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View Full Version : Parenting and other help with ADHD (likely dx) with poor impulse control



hillview
01-21-2013, 03:53 PM
DS2 (5.5) is likely heading to an ADHD dx. We are seeing a child psych this weekend. I am going to
- figure out how to get him a full assessment
- figure out if he should stay in Montessori next year or go to the public schools
- figure out what services and help DS needs and how to get it
- figure out what part of this insurance will pay for

AND
I also desparately need some pareting help. DS2 routinely calls everyone in the family names when stressed (stress can mean someone talks when he is talking). He also hits. When he was little it was less of an issue. Today he cold clock slapped me across my face at breakfast at a restaurant because "you interrupeted me mommy" and then was not really very apologetic afterwards. No amount of what I'd call my NORMAL parenting skills work here. I have just started ignoring MOST behavior (not the slapping) but name calling etc. Ignoring seems to be the most productive but man I don't like it. So where do you get parenting help??

Thanks for listening!

JTsMom
01-21-2013, 05:07 PM
O wish I had a great answer for you. if you figure it out, please let me know. Have you read The Explosive Child? It's been the most helpful of the dozens of parenting books I've read.

Pepper
01-22-2013, 09:19 PM
I just read a good article on the Wrightslaw website, I found it in that link to Top Ten articles that someone posted here recently. It was about ADHD and discipline, and they said that they used boredom as a means to discipline - the kids were sent to the bathroom for 15 min as " punishment." They also said to try and avoid arguing back & forth with the kid b/c ADHD finds that too stimulating.

I can't use the bathroom trick with my DS1 -omg, the mess he would make! - but I get the point about the arguing. I often feel like he's trying to pick a fight. He has a mood disorder in addition to the ADHD so I don't know how much that plays into things, but we get a lot of sudden aggression here too and "traditional" methods with positive & negative reinforcement do not work.

I'd read the Explosive Child book a couple years ago and it makes sense to me, but DS was not verbal enough back then to try the approach. Now he can talk but his outbursts are so unpredictable, it's hard to have a conversation with him about how to develop a strategy around problems because we never know what will set him off.

We have started working with a psychologist who has trained in the Explosive Child methods, though, so I'm hoping she'll have some more ideas about how to approach things. She has suggested that I try to reach deep for my compassion when DS is acting up, but man oh man, that's so hard when he's calling names, being mean to DS2, or trying to hit me. What does seem to help is if I can tell that he's escalating - and that's a big IF - I can take his hand and say gee honey, you look like you're getting upset, let's go find something to do that you really enjoy so you can calm down. But most of the time, he just explodes too fast for me to see it coming.

hillview
01-22-2013, 09:28 PM
Thanks to you both for replying. It does help to know I am not alone. I have the Explosive Child but dont remember reading it or if I did it was for DS1 not DS2. I will pull it off the shelf.

I have an intake appointment tomorrow to start the process to get DS2 evaluated. I feel like maybe a dx and then a plan from a therapist may start to get DS2 (and me) some assistance. I also have signed up for 2 special needs/CHADD groups which have some wonderful parents!

Thanks for your posts it helps to know I am not alone!

crl
01-22-2013, 10:21 PM
I really recommend a therapist for you to talk parenting strategies with. I have a friend who has difficult kids and she has found that invaluable.

I will third The Explosive Child. It was the only parenting book I ever read that I felt like was talking about my child.

Catherine

sste
01-23-2013, 02:00 PM
Hill, what happened after he slapped you? Was it a school day? What we were told in our behavior class for something like that during an outing the child is immediately taken home, as in slap, get up with unfinished breakfast, get coat, kid goes in car and goes home with one parent or with whole family, fun scheduled activities are now off for the morning. It sounds dreadful I know but they used this method with significant success with both typically and non typically dev. kids, many of whom had impulse control challenges.

And of course lots of preventative stuff to do too but that is more individual to the child.

mikeys_mom
01-23-2013, 02:50 PM
The Explosive Child was very insightful for me to read. It changed my entire outlook on parenting for DS.

DS has only hit me a handfull of times but he can certainly say some extremely hurtful things. The book gave me the power to see beyond his words. While it still stings a bit when he says certain things, I can now take a deep breathe and move forward. It is such a relief to not be constantly yelling at him or feeling like I need to punish him each time and that if I don't use traditional types of discipline, then I'm too permissive in my parenting.

He also calls his sisters names when he is upset, not even necessarily with them. We are still working on that.

DH, DS and I are also working with a social worker who is helping up with specific strategies to implement to prevent outbursts. That has been very helpful for all of us.

hillview
01-27-2013, 08:24 AM
O wish I had a great answer for you. if you figure it out, please let me know. Have you read The Explosive Child? It's been the most helpful of the dozens of parenting books I've read.


I just read a good article on the Wrightslaw website, I found it in that link to Top Ten articles that someone posted here recently. It was about ADHD and discipline, and they said that they used boredom as a means to discipline - the kids were sent to the bathroom for 15 min as " punishment." They also said to try and avoid arguing back & forth with the kid b/c ADHD finds that too stimulating.

I can't use the bathroom trick with my DS1 -omg, the mess he would make! - but I get the point about the arguing. I often feel like he's trying to pick a fight. He has a mood disorder in addition to the ADHD so I don't know how much that plays into things, but we get a lot of sudden aggression here too and "traditional" methods with positive & negative reinforcement do not work.

I'd read the Explosive Child book a couple years ago and it makes sense to me, but DS was not verbal enough back then to try the approach. Now he can talk but his outbursts are so unpredictable, it's hard to have a conversation with him about how to develop a strategy around problems because we never know what will set him off.

We have started working with a psychologist who has trained in the Explosive Child methods, though, so I'm hoping she'll have some more ideas about how to approach things. She has suggested that I try to reach deep for my compassion when DS is acting up, but man oh man, that's so hard when he's calling names, being mean to DS2, or trying to hit me. What does seem to help is if I can tell that he's escalating - and that's a big IF - I can take his hand and say gee honey, you look like you're getting upset, let's go find something to do that you really enjoy so you can calm down. But most of the time, he just explodes too fast for me to see it coming.


I really recommend a therapist for you to talk parenting strategies with. I have a friend who has difficult kids and she has found that invaluable.

I will third The Explosive Child. It was the only parenting book I ever read that I felt like was talking about my child.

Catherine


The Explosive Child was very insightful for me to read. It changed my entire outlook on parenting for DS.

DS has only hit me a handfull of times but he can certainly say some extremely hurtful things. The book gave me the power to see beyond his words. While it still stings a bit when he says certain things, I can now take a deep breathe and move forward. It is such a relief to not be constantly yelling at him or feeling like I need to punish him each time and that if I don't use traditional types of discipline, then I'm too permissive in my parenting.

He also calls his sisters names when he is upset, not even necessarily with them. We are still working on that.

DH, DS and I are also working with a social worker who is helping up with specific strategies to implement to prevent outbursts. That has been very helpful for all of us.

thanks to you all for recommending the explosive child. I am halfway through it and it is SO DS2 and helpful so far. Thank you!!!