Teachers, Coaches- what to do when you do not like a child?

[elektra]

Yes, I am admitting that I really don't like a girl on DD's softball team and I am the coach.
She has been mean to DD and is a know-it-all on the softball field.
She goes to DD's school, and when DD asked to play with her on the playground, she told DD that maybe she could play with her next month.
And now DD seems fixated with earning this other girl's friendship, saying she doesn't mind waiting a month etc.

DD also told me that this other girl is missing softball practice today so that she can get ready for the Father/Daughter dance at school. The dance starts 30 minutes after practice ends, and the school is 10 minutes from the field. Maybe the dad wants to take the girl out beforehand or something but how much prep does a Kindergartner need to do for a dance? DD is saying that (girl) must have a really fancy dress!

So my question is, are you ever annoyed with a child and if so, do you just try your hardest not to show it?

I am trying to refrain from saying anything bad about this girl in front of DD. I did however tell DD that she didn't deserve to be someone's "maybe in a month" friend and that she is super fun and I am sure plenty of kids would want to play with her. I also told her that sometimes people act differently in different situations (school vs. outside of school activities) and that you just try to let it roll off your back.

FTR, I do not think this girl is horrible, or overly nasty. She is just the queen bee type who can be quite charming and nice too.
I am forced into the situation with her though, as the coach and I don't want to be fixated and would love any advice on how to get over my issues with her.

[boolady]

Hmm. Well, I can't answer as a coach or teacher, at least not in the context of your specific question, but I can as a mom, because DD has taken to a girl with the exact type of personality you describe who lives in our neighborhood. Nice one minute, not so much the next. It's very "what have you done for me lately" on the girl's part, and DD's complete committment (sp?) to the friendship on the other.

I have resigned myself, despite knowing that at some point, DD's heart may be broken by a friend for the first time, that it's going to have to run its course. I do say things to DD like you have-- "real friends don't treat you that way;" "you have other friends who treat you the way you deserve to be treated;" etc. I think it's in one ear and out the other, because DD tends to want to be friends with everyone and she is actually a good friend-- good at sharing, playing what other people want to play, etc. I know she's not perfect, by a long shot, but I think she wants to see the best in others, too.

So that was my long-winded way of saying you might just have to fake it until you make it with the girl, because whatever friendship she's going to have with your DD or isn't will have to figure itself out. DH and I have discussed this many times, and just accepted that I think it's a life lesson DD's going to have to learn about friendship. This girl hasn't done anything so outright mean or acted in a way that I wouldn't permit her in my home, I just think she's not great at being a friend.

As to the dance thing, I don't think it's unreasonable to want/need more than a 1/2 hour to leave practice, go home, wash or wipe up, have a drink or snack, if needed, get changed, take any photos at home, and get to the dance. DD's daddy-daughter dance was last Friday, and I don't think I would have thought a 1/2 hour was enough time. I'm sure that's a personal thing, though, and DD dawdles like nobody's business.

[Pyrodjm]

I try really hard to find one thing I like about him and focus on it when they annoy me. My favorite student of all time was the one kid I couldnt control in that class and I decided that I HAD to love him in order to not quit. It worked.

If that doesn't work I take extra care to make sure I'm not treat that child any differently. Making the extra effort to give the kid a chance to show me a redeeming quality.

[elektra]

As to the dance thing, I don't think it's unreasonable to want/need more than a 1/2 hour to leave practice, go home, wash or wipe up, have a drink or snack, if needed, get changed, take any photos at home, and get to the dance. DD's daddy-daughter dance was last Friday, and I don't think I would have thought a 1/2 hour was enough time. I'm sure that's a personal thing, though, and DD dawdles like nobody's business.

Thanks for the reply. I too see this as a life lesson for her and it's one of the reasons I have the kids signed up for team sports.

And the above scenario is totally valid. It will actually be tight having to go right from one thing to the other for us, but since I am the coach, I want to make sure I can get to the practice if at all possible. I think my beef is that this girl has been telling DD all week about how she is missing the practice to prep for sock hop. It is making DD insecure about doing both. I told DD to just tell the girl that that is great but that she is fine doing both.

Can I just say that at my son's practice, they just were excited to play ball??? And declared that they were all best friends at the end?
Boys seem so much less drama in this type of situation. :/

[khm]

Can I just say that at my son's practice, they just were excited to play ball??? And declared that they were all best friends at the end?
Boys seem so much less drama in this type of situation. :/

Ha, enjoy that now. My son is 8. His last soccer season was a NIGHTMARE. All caps NIGHTMARE. They were all loaded with drama - amongst themselves and with the opposing teams. x1000 when we played teams from our own school / friends.

My daughter is 10, and his teams' drama makes any drama she has endured seem quaint.

[elektra]

Ha, enjoy that now. My son is 8. His last soccer season was a NIGHTMARE. All caps NIGHTMARE. They were all loaded with drama - amongst themselves and with the opposing teams. x1000 when we played teams from our own school / friends.

My daughter is 10, and his teams' drama makes any drama she has endured seem quaint.

Yikes! I will make sure to enjoy it while I can then!

[maestramommy]

I usually manage to find something to like about even my most annoying rubbing-me-the-wrong-way student. though it can sometimes take quite a while!:p Since you mention she is charming, I'd play along with that as a way of making sure she does what she is told, and getting her to lay off the others.

I also think you're right in telling your DD to tell the girl she is fine doing both. Because she doesn't want to miss out on either:icon_twisted:

[niccig]

I agree with the others, but I also think you pull her into line if she starts to act up. If she's telling everyone else what to do, you can tell her that they know what they're doing and don't need her help.

DH was ref. on DS's soccer team and he was told by the league to also work on the players attitudes towards each other. He called kids on it if they were gloating over how many goals when DS's team was being decimated, and then the following week had to tell DS's team to stop gloating. He intervened during spats about "you pushed me, no I didn't" etc and also pulled them up on rule violations.

If you think your DD needs some space, then as coach you can not pair them up together for any drills etc.

[nmosur]

Having been in a similar situation as OP, I have come to realize that DD's attitude towards the friendship is what causes me to dislike the other kid. It's almost like I can't "fix" DD so instead I am blaming the other kid for this. This perspective is what helps me move my focus back to helping DD.

[Globetrotter]

Don't do what dh did, which is give said child time out!!! :6:

The situation was different because it was a group of close friends who were doing a science bowl type activity together. One child was always out of control - keep in mind these were 12 year olds - not listening, arguing constantly, doing her own thing, not following instructions, going around the room touching stuff after we tell her not to (this is the same kid I have talked about before re. a bullying situation a few years and other behavioral issues, though they have improved now). DH couldn't handle it and he told me he will never coach her again for anything. The other girls were well behaved in contrast. the parents are in denial, though I have brought up issues in the past.

I think he was right to separate her and talk to her, but he shouldn't have been so obvious or call it time out!

[bisous]

That's hard. I think you're already doing a good thing by trying to make a concerted effort to be kind to her despite the fact that she is not nice to your DD. I think you are in a position to do a lot of good modeling for her on how to treat other people. That might make the difference for her! She is only 5 (I'm guessing if she's the same age as your DD) so she has a lot of learning and growing in the social graces still to do. I'm thinking that if your DD sees you comfortable and assertive in dealing with this girl, it will make her more confident also. It looks like you're in a great position to help DD!

[crl]

I have been in this position as a parent, so not the same. But I have found that focusing on the positive helps. And time often helps too, because usually the kid dynamics shift around some and usually I have more opportunities to see positives.

Catherine

[dowlinal]

Do you have another coach that works with you? I have a similar situation with one of my Girl Scout troops. There is a girl who actively tries to come between my DD and her best friend. She is always wants to be the center of attention and can be quite rude to the other girls. My co-leader knows about my issues with the girl so she handles most of the stuff involving her.