Need advice on parent interaction..Update in Post #13

[jacksmomtobe]

Ok so this will probably be a long one. I need advice. DS has had a kids in his class the last 3 years. This kid has been problematic with his behavior. I would say it has gotten elevated each year. Ds & this kid did get along though he was not ds's close friend ds was always kind to him and last year especially ds was seated at this kids table often as he did not bring out this boy's reactive behavior. Though ds was not directly impacted by some of this child's outbursts the whole class experienced the fall out and often ds would mention what occurred. This child punched the Teacher, other kids etc. The boys played one sport together and though both are competitive there were no issues. This fall however the boy punched my son in two incidents in two consecutive days. The first of which the Teacher may not have been aware of until the 2nd occurred. The 2nd was a more significant incident with multiple punches and was done right in front of one of the Teachers. From all parties it was indicated that this was clearly a one sided incident. This occurred before Thanksgiving and the child has been in school only 2 days since then and when he was in school those 2 days there was an incident between the two boys where the other child accused my son of hitting him on the playground but as it happened the School Counselor was right there to witness this exchange. Per the SC my son was in the motion of throwing a football and grazed the other child as he was following through. I (&sometimes my husband) have had multiple discussions with the Principal, Teacher & SC on these incidents. Ds was particularly upset about the first incident because he had done something kind for the boy early that day so he had a hard time dealing why this kid would punch him for no reason when he had been so kind to him earlier that day. DS is very much a rule follower and a sensitive, competitive guy. Originally he said he never wanted to talk to this kid again as time has passed he has said that he would be ok if this kid had just said he was sorry. And he actually said if this kid comes back then the other kids should give him a chance. I was really impressed by the kindness my son was willing to show this kid. We talked about how if/when this kid does return he should be given a chance to try to be apart of their community again otherwise if the kids are closed minded then he is set up for failure. It made me feel good that my son was so willing to give this child another shot (though he was not looking to be close friends with this kid) but also hoping that this other child wouldn't squash the kindness by repeating his prior behavior.

So that's the child interaction background. The parents...well I've been friendly with the Mom since right before the kids started school (they are in 3rd grade) and with sports team last year we were around each other a lot. I would consider us fairly friendly. The Dad & I have both been active at the school. He is very type A & comes across with a male smugness on occasion when dealing in groups of mostly woman volunteers. I don't put up with that crap and often use sarcasm to diffuse it in our interactions so we have a different dynamic. I feel like the Mom has been overwhelmed since the birth of her last child who is 2 1/2. Though I feel this child has significant issues I also feel a portion of his behavior has not been helped by the parents. I feel like they put the child under a lot of pressure especially in athletic situations. I also feel he has been given power in some situations by their actions.

It is unclear what is going to happen with the child as far as the school is concerned. I'm not sure the school system itself knows for certain what the plan will be. Obviously they don't disclose certain things to me but at one point it seemed that he would not be returning to school and would possibly be attending a program at another school (these are public neighborhood schools) and then be mainstreamed back into another school closer to our area. My son and I have had recent conversations about this child as I was anticipating that we might run into him around the playing fields (they are on different travel teams). However recently there seems to be a change of thought and now the child is coming into the school each day and being tutored onsite for a portion of the day.

I seem to be a magnet for the Mom. I keep running into her at school when she is dropping or picking her child off at random times. I feel incredibly awkward in these situations. I've done a quick hi how are you and then looked away for the most part. The Dad & I are in meetings together that occur once a month but we've had little interaction until today. Though I don't agree with exactly how they have handled things with this child I know that their parenting is only a piece of a very complex puzzle. So recently due to conversations with ds & this kid's presence in the school I have been pondering reaching out to the parents to eliminate the awkwardness...maybe more so with the Mom than the Dad. I had been thinking about asking them for coffee to catch up. Sort of to clear the air in a way. So today I was at the school and the Dad came in to pick up his son so I mentioned the idea. I expressed it more from the perspective of what occurred between the two boys. The Dad said that the reason that his child is out of school has nothing to do with what occurred between the two boys which I get because clearly the incidents would not have led him to be out of school for this length of time. Though I think what occurred is a result of the reason why he is out of school. After our exchange I emailed the Mom & Dad to set up a time. The Dad in his response reiterated that why his son is out of school has nothing to do with my son but that they did appreciate me reaching out to them. We would not be able to meet until after Feb Vacation.

Ok so thank you for reading my long post my question are...should I go ahead with this coffee? Is the reason I am suggesting this get together because I am placing more importance on what occurred btwn the two boys than there actually is? Do I have anything to lose by having coffee with them? Would you do it?

[sariana]

I am assuming this other child has Special Needs? Your DS deserves the biggest kudos you can give him for continuing to be kind to the other child.

I don't have time to write a long response. As the mom of a child with SN, I would be very appreciative of someone who reached out in this way, especially after an incident as you described. I ask you: What do you have to lose? You could be the lifeline this family needs to feel normal. I think you are doing a very good thing by making this gesture.

[MamaMolly]

Just a quick question, did you mention anything in your email about the altercation between the boys? If you did then I can see why the dad reiterated the thing about the reason his son is not in school. If not, the dad seems SUPER defensive. I'm just curious ;)

I think it would be a really nice gesture to go. I'd be inclined to reply with a cheerful note along the lines of 'all the better reason for us to catch up and enjoy each other's company. How about we meet up at XYZ on ABC day?'

[hillview]

I think it is nice of you to reach out. Since you did, I would go ahead and follow through. I would plan to just chat and catch up vs dig into what is going on with their DS as the DH seems defensive.

[jacksmomtobe]

Sariana - This boy is on target academically. His issues are all behavior related. I would not consider him developmentally disabled and he has never had an aide in the classroom. We have kids around the school on the spectrum and with developmental based delays and I would not put him in the same category as those children. He clearly has psychological issues which have become elevated and before leaving school was spending significant time with the school psychologist. He has impulse issue where most kids will stop themselves to think he just reacts and he reacts big. The Teacher was working on a program with the whole class about impulsive behavior this fall. When I met with her about keeping my child safe she said that they do not know what sets off this child so it is hard to predict when he will explode and thus it is hard to come up with a solution. I would say that he knows things he does are wrong but has no worries about the consequences. He has called the Principal an idiot and as I mentioned above hit last year's teacher. The Principal implied that this year's Teacher felt that she could work with the child if given a chance. His younger brother has started to exhibits some of the same behavior ie throwing tantrums during sports games.

Mama Molly - in my email to the Mom & Dad I just said hey ran to husband at school and as I mentioned to him I thought it would be good for us to catch up and then suggested some times. I did not mention the relationship between the two boys. The Dad in person and in the email said I'm not sure what the Principal or the Teacher has told anyone why xboy is not at school but it has nothing to do with the interaction between the two boys. For full disclosure due to my role within the PTO I meet with the Principal on a regular basis. The Parents have not communicated well with the Principal. The Mom bringing the younger child to school has ignored the Principal when he has said hi how are you to her. They have used the School Counselor as their primary method of contact which has not helped the overall communication. So maybe he is reading something in from that angle.

Hillview - i was thinking that whatever they shared about their child would be up to them and that I would not as any questions in that area.

Originally I was thinking about explaining how all my ds wanted was an apology and how he was willing to give this kid another chance showing how kids are much more forgiving them us adults but now I'm re-thinking that. Clearly I get that this is not all about what happened between my son and this kid but I do come at the issue from the perspective of how it impacted my child. So maybe we just connect as parents in a face to face way to remove the awkwardness i feel but don't touch on my son at all.

[maestramommy]

I think both you and your DS deserve a lot of kudos for continuing to reach out the kid and parents. I think if the date and time for coffee are already set, I would go. I probably wouldn't bring up the thing about your DS wanting an apology. Maybe just mention that he has been thinking about their son and wondering when he will come back. If the child is not an on IEP that doesn't mean he shouldn't be, but from your description it doesn't sound like the parents are interacting very well with the school, for whatever reason. You obviously can't ask for any info from the school, but when you get together with the parents maybe you can say your sons were friends for a long time so if there is anything you can do to support them to let you know? It's probably a repetition of your emails but just in person.

[rin]

I would say that it would be ok to bring up that your son had noticed that theirs was out of school, and that he would still like to have a friendship with this boy (I wouldn't say "willing to give him another chance"; that would make me feel awful as a parent), but that he's still a bit hurt about the incident and he would like an apology.

[hillview]

If the child is not an on IEP that doesn't mean he shouldn't be.
:yeahthat:
That was my thought as well. Most kids don't act this way. I'd assume there was something (diagnosed or not) going on with him.

[cvanbrunt]

What is your goal here? It's really not clear to me why you want to get together. You don't like the dad so why get together socially? I may not be reading this correctly but you seem to be making an awful lot of assumptions about this boy and his family. You have third hand information and no actual knowledge about their situation. Do you want them to explain to what's going on in their life? Do you want them to know your son has had his feelings hurt? I think you need to clarify for yourself what you want from this first.

[minnie-zb]

I think it is fine to have coffee with them, but I don't think you should discuss school. Personally, I would not have made this overture -- there's a lot more going on with this child than you know and it comes across you want to know more about what is going on.

This child may have an IEP, by law, it is no ones business if he does or does not.

We went through something similar last year with a boy who was obsessed with our child and would act out physically and inappropriately. We never dreamed of going to the parents. If anything I really felt for the parents and knew they were in a bad spot too.

[Gena]

So today I was at the school and the Dad came in to pick up his son so I mentioned the idea. I expressed it more from the perspective of what occurred between the two boys. The Dad said that the reason that his child is out of school has nothing to do with what occurred between the two boys which I get because clearly the incidents would not have led him to be out of school for this length of time. Though I think what occurred is a result of the reason why he is out of school. After our exchange I emailed the Mom & Dad to set up a time. The Dad in his response reiterated that why his son is out of school has nothing to do with my son but that they did appreciate me reaching out to them. We would not be able to meet until after Feb Vacation.

To me, this seems to read as: "Thanks for your concern. We're handling it privately. Please leave us alone."

From your description, I get the impression that your relationship with the Mom is being friendly because you see each other a lot, but not particularly close, and with the Dad as somewhat strained. So personally, I would back off. You've reached out, if they are interested in following up with you they will. If not, let it drop.


This boy is on target academically. His issues are all behavior related. I would not consider him developmentally disabled and he has never had an aide in the classroom. We have kids around the school on the spectrum and with developmental based delays and I would not put him in the same category as those children.

Many children with developmental disorders are on target academically, so that doesn't indicate anything diagnostically. However, it can make the school district more reluctant to provide services. You really aren't qualified to say whether or not this child has any impairments. Since the boy hasn't been in school, it seems that the parents are seeking help elsewhere.

(And I'm not even going to get into how much the phrase "those children" grates on me.)


...So maybe we just connect as parents in a face to face way to remove the awkwardness i feel ...

I understand that your intentions are good. But these parents have a lot on their plate right now. I doubt that your feelings of awkwardness are a priority for them.

Again, you've made the gesture. If they are interested and they respond, go ahead and meet with them. If they don't follow up or they keep putting it off, let it go.

[jacksmomtobe]

I was not very effective in choosing some of my words so I apologize that some of the words I chose were unintentionally offensive. I try my best to help my kids understand kids with disabilities and I see in hindsight that my choice of those children was a poor one.

In our initial conversation the Dad did make a comment of how he appreciated that someone was reaching out to him. In his email he suggested a few dates after vacation and said we should touch base a few days before. I will leave it up to them to follow up and if they don't I will not pursue it. My desire is not to probe them about their child. I guess I just wanted to open a door probably more so for the Mom because we have had some degree of friendliness and because I feel i definitely put some distance between us after the incidents between the boys. I get that they have a lot on their plate and will leave the ball in their court.

[jacksmomtobe]

Update: I met both parents for coffee today. It went well. I did not go into it with any agenda or clear idea on what I thought would occur. I felt I would just go with the flow and not ask any them any particular questions. Both parents were grateful that I reached out to them. They have been hurt that no one has bothered to ask them why their kid was not in school. I said that people probably wanted to respect their privacy. They said that they wished someone had reached out to them and that if they had not wanted to discuss the situation they said they could have always responded that it was a private matter. I did not ask why their son was out however they were actually very straight forward on why their son was out. It related to an incident that occurred when my family was out of town but one that I was aware of. They said that they were fine if people knew what occurred and wished someone had cared to ask. I think they really wanted to have someone to talk to. We had a good conversation parent to parent. My gut told me to reach out to them and though I wasn't clear on what I wanted to achieve I'm glad I decided to do so.

[AngB]

Update: I met both parents for coffee today. It went well. I did not go into it with any agenda or clear idea on what I thought would occur. I felt I would just go with the flow and not ask any them any particular questions. Both parents were grateful that I reached out to them. They have been hurt that no one has bothered to ask them why their kid was not in school. I said that people probably wanted to respect their privacy. They said that they wished someone had reached out to them and that if they had not wanted to discuss the situation they said they could have always responded that it was a private matter. I did not ask why their son was out however they were actually very straight forward on why their son was out. It related to an incident that occurred when my family was out of town but one that I was aware of. They said that they were fine if people knew what occurred and wished someone had cared to ask. I think they really wanted to have someone to talk to. We had a good conversation parent to parent. My gut told me to reach out to them and though I wasn't clear on what I wanted to achieve I'm glad I decided to do so.

I think this is very nice of you.

[maestramommy]

Oh my heart aches for them. How lonely they must feel. I'm glad the meeting went well, and good for you for reaching out.

[MamaMolly]

Good job mama! And thanks for the update.

[sariana]

Thank you for the update. You did a good thing. :)

[Tondi G]

Thanks for the update ... I'm glad the meeting went well, and good for you for reaching out. They are in a tough spot.

[Sweetum]

I have not read all the responses, but I had a few thoughts:
- do the parents know why you want to meet them? If not, it may be important to let them know.
- while it may be that the dad is defensive, it is also possible that a lot of things have happened since the incident within their family vis-a-vis this child. So, they are probably really busy trying t figure things out and likely don't have the bandwidth for a coffee (and I mean emotional state) about a negative incident. it might not be something that they are up for at this time.

However, since you did reach out, and the dad mentioned possibly after te feb break, I would reach out one more time and if no response, leave it at that.

Sometimes a family needs its time to deal with large situations and it is possible that your hunch about the altercation not being a big deal in the grand scheme of their things may be true. It may have been the last thing they saw before something major.

ETA: just saw your update. I am glad you did reach out and that it was well received. Hope everything goes well for the family.

[kwc]

Kudos to you for reaching out, esp. as your DS had been affected by the other child's behavior in the past.
I can only imagine how isolated they were feeling.
When DS was in a biting phase in preschool, I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole, even
though other parents were quite understanding.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm glad you were able to be a support to them. Good for you for trusting your intuition!

[ShanaMama]

I'm glad you were able to be a support to them. Good for you for trusting your intuition!

:yeahthat: interesting how they opened up to you after the dad kept telling you they were dealing with their issue privately. Maybe he finally realized you were just trying to be friendly & supportive. It was really nice of you to reach out to them.