teaching gratitude / eliminating entitlement?

[lmh2402]

would appreciate advice on how to help DS regain his gratitude

at the ripe old age of nearly 4, he's become quite the little ingrate lately

this morning he threw a massive tantrum b/c he didn't get anything with wheels for valentine's day

despite the excessive amount of stuff he did get.

we have clearly created this monster. how can we undo?

we don't give him gifts all the time out of the blue. he receives birthday and christmas. a few things in his easter basket and at valentine's day

however, he does also get little trinkets if we're out some place special - like at a museum or at a concert, he'll get a t-shirt or something

i'm just really disgusted and disappointed.

thanks.

[bisous]

You know, I think part of this is just being four years old and clearly very loved. If I were you, I would give him a hug, say "Happy Valentine's Day" and then not worry about it too much--either from the angle of worrying about getting him something with wheels or worrying about his sense of entitlement. If you think he is mature enough, maybe you could have a little talk about how gifts are given out of love and that you hope that he will be grateful for the nice Valentine's toys he's received. But at 4, I wouldn't worry too much if he isn't quite ready for that lesson.

If you're worried, maybe you could cut down on the "just because" stuff that he is getting? The holidays are so fun to celebrate and it doesn't sound like you are going overboard there.

I know with my kids I bought them a churro ONE time at the zoo. It took like 10 zoo trips without a churro for them not to expect to get one every time. It can be a little frustrating but my older two are big enough now (9 and 5) where we can talk about how sometimes we get extra things but they're only special because they don't happen all the time. And they're still learning and sometimes they're ungrateful. But they are getting better!

[daisymommy]

I agree. He's only 4, and prone to being emotional and sensitive anyway. So I doubt it's the actual "stuff" that's the problem, but more that he (and many other 4 year olds!) have trouble dealing with disappointment and emotion. Add to that the excitement of a holiday, and many kids are giddy and over the top. My kids were nuts this morning by the time they had stepped onto the bus!
I wouldn't stress over it.

Hope the rest of your day is better!


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[123LuckyMom]

My DS, who is really a lovely boy, threw a fit last night because I gave him two crackers with his cheese and crackers, and he wanted 3 crackers. This same boy remembers who has gotten him every single thing he owns, and he owns a lot. I really think it's the age. I treat it like whining. EVERY time he does it I give him an alternate script. "Oh, mama, thank you for the crackers. May I have a third one, please?" I do also sometimes say something like, "You can enjoy your two crackers and be content, or I can take them away so you have no crackers. Why don't you take a minute to decide which you prefer." I do this all without yelling or chastising.

I also talk to him about gratitude and contentment. Every night we say prayers where he has a chance to say sorry for something he knows was wrong, ask for help to do something better, pray for someone else who might need help, and express gratitude. You could easily do this without the God part.

I think it's just a maturity issue and if I keep plugging away and modeling the behavior I want to see, it will get better.

[elektra]

Even though I experience disappointment when DS does this type of thing too, I think it's pretty normal and nothing to be disgusted about or worry that he is turning into an ingrate. :)
DH has a hard time with this and will get angry, pointing out all the things that we have done for the kids. I admit I do that sometimes too, like say stuff along the lines of, "I have just rearranged everything, purchased xyz, all for you to do abc and all you are dong is crying/complaining??!!!?"

It's almost like the cooler the thing is the more likely they are to flip out. It's like its all too much excitement or something.

For instance, this morning DD had a meltdown and I think it had to do with being overly excited about her Valentines party at school. She too complained that the candy treat I had gotten for her this morning was all wrong. Maybe it was just the change in routine.

ETA: we have been talking a lot about being "generous" lately. I give DS tons of praise when he does something generous. He is very good about offering things to comfort DD or me or just to be nice. So praising for the good things does seem to be helping, but it obviously isn't totally stopping the demanding behavior or tantrums.

[maestramommy]

He's 4. I think for most kids 5 and under (sometimes older!) you do something once and it's carved in stone. Teaching gratitude is a lifelong lesson. Esp. if one's existence is never in deprivation. And like someone here once said, you wouldn't want it any other way, right?

[Aishe]

As far as I'm concerned, 4yos are mild sociopaths. It's 1 pm here and my own 4yo has already thrown three epic tantrums today. I don't even know what they were about. I wouldn't sweat it. He'll grow out of it.

[cellenly]

I know with my kids I bought them a churro ONE time at the zoo. It took like 10 zoo trips without a churro for them not to expect to get one every time.


I agree with everything bisous wrote.

Also, the above is soooo true for me too. Sometimes I want to get them something, but I don't because I don't want to deal with setting a precedent or dealing with the future begging. My husband just sees it as a one time thing where I seem to amplify the smallest things to something bigger/part of some bigger pattern.

If it gets bad, you could go cold turkey in the buying toys front.

This Christmas, my son did not receive any gifts. (well, he got to split a box of cookies given to him & his sister and one little flashlight that I didn't get to intercept in time). It was hard explaining to others about the situation that led to him not being able to get any christmas presents. (he lost them over a period of time one decision at a time). People thought it was cruel/crazy. It was sad for me too especially seeing deals on things he would love. But looking back, ive seen marked improvement after Christmas, and I'm glad I did it. I really think my 5 yo was really testing boundaries with me.

[LMPC]

I agree that it comes with the age. They are still pretty emotionally disregulated at this age. Everything seems like such a big deal to them. HUGS!

[AnnieW625]

He's 4. I think for most kids 5 and under (sometimes older!) you do something once and it's carved in stone. Teaching gratitude is a lifelong lesson. Esp. if one's existence is never in deprivation. And like someone here once said, you wouldn't want it any other way, right?

very well said. However if your DS doesn't do well with surprises and Valentine's Day might just have been that for him maybe try limiting the emphasis on that until he really gets the meaning of Valentine's Day when he is older. I think Valentine's Day is hard to explain why people are getting gifts or treats vs. something like Easter where you have a basket and you often have an egg hunt and look for things to put in the basket, kwim? Or for a birthday or Christmas where everyone talks about what they want or what they need for months before and kids very simply pick up on that and the giving is done in a community situation, esp. at Christmas so everyone else is getting something as well.

I am probably one of the few people here, but I would much rather buy my kid a special treat at a museum store or a concert than keep a gift closet full of random stuff or buy them random toys each time I see something on the clearance rack because it is a good deal.

[daisysmom]

My daughter will be 6 next month, and we have seen a huge noticeable gain in being grateful and not being selfish in the last year. She was a little queen at times before that. I do think it comes with the age. Don't stress about it too much, but keep being firm is my advice (meaning, don't go get a wheeled present today :) )

[egoldber]

It's almost like the cooler the thing is the more likely they are to flip out. It's like its all too much excitement or something.

:yeahthat:

For many people (not just kids) giving and receiving gifts is a very anxiety provoking activity.

[brittone2]

Just agreeing with PPs. Very normal for the age. They are by nature very self-centered at that age; it doesn't predict how they'll be in the future. Yeah, you work on it and try to grow them into respectable adults, but I wouldn't read much into a few days like this at 4.

We do find it helpful to set the expectation in advance when we go out places. My kids rarely get anything on a random trip to a store. When they were 4-5 yo we started giving each 1-2 bucks to spend on something at WFs, mostly because it gave them practice in what they could/couldn't afford, and it also made things we don't normally buy (like a giant cookie, or orange juice, or whatever....) not off limits. When we take a trip to a museum or similar, we let them know they have $x to spend, or that we won't be buying anything today, or that they can bring their own money to make a small purchase if they wish. But at 4, that's still tough for them to grasp even with the expectation set in advance.

[crl]

I totally understand how you feel! I think it is mostly developmental.

For a long time, when I put ds to bed I made him tell me one thing from the day he was grateful for and I said one thing I was grateful for. I just felt like he needed the practice thinking of things in that light.

Catherine

[AnnieW625]

:yeahthat: (to what Brittone2 said) DD1 is almost 7 and is just starting to get it. We went to the Lego store a few weeks ago and she wanted one of the Lego Friends sets and it was over $20 and I told her she could pick out one that was $10. She was getting mad at me for that, but then I told her she could save her money and bring it with her next time. In the past couple of weeks she has mentioned wanting something and then mentioned she needs to bring her money with her.

[lmh2402]

ok, so now i feel like a monster

so glad i posted this. i almost didn't b/c i was so embarrassed to admit his behavior

now i'm embarrassed about my own

he was screaming and threw his glasses across the room. i gathered up the stuff i had given him. told him i was taking it back since he was so ungrateful.

i put it in the basement and also told him he wasn't allowed to open the presents sent by his grandparents

sent him off to school whimpering and asking me not to tell his teacher that he is an ingrate

based on the replies, i now feel absolutely awful.

so...i will give him his stuff back. we've also been talking about "generous" lately and/but, i need to do a better job of praising him when he goes out of his way to be kind.

thanks, guys. i wish i could be wiser in the moment.

[Simon]

Don't beat yourself up. I think many of us are sensitive to specific behaviors in our kids and it clearly pushed your buttons.

Just to offer another perspective, it sounds as though he received many things but nothing that fit his "love language" meaning something with wheels. From your perspective he got several gifts, but if he doesn't value those things, even if he usually likes/wants/needs them, then it might not felt like he got anything. kwim? I know I felt the same way sometimes as a child, "I didn't get anything" even though I really did, they just were not things that I happened to care about and so it didn't feel like they counted. Also, as an adult you have that long term perspective that recalls the last several times that you got him something, but he probably doesn't remember.

[maestramommy]

:hug: Like Simon said, don't beat yourself up. You are under incredible stress, and things like this don't help. yes, it's normal, but how were you to know? he's your first kid to get this far. that's what BB is for, to ask these questions!

DD1 is 7 now, and much more thoughtful, generous, and empathetic that she was just a year ago. Things she learns at school and during bedtime convos really sink in now.

[daisymommy]

Don't beat yourself up. It's so much easier to see things clearly from the outside--wether it be good or bad. Lately I have started asking myself--what would I advise someone on the BBB in this moment? Or what would the moms on the BBB say? It takes some of the emotion out of the equation so I can be more level headed about it. When things are up close and personal, it's so hard not to take it...well, personally. Hugs!


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[crl]

Oh I think we have all had those parenting moments. The over reaction because it is just something that pushes your buttons or came at completely the wrong moment. It will be fine.

My strategy when this has happened to me is to take the opportunity to model what we do when we make a mistake. Apologize. Make reparations (give the stuff back). Hug. And move on. And this is totally advice I got from the BBB.

:hug:
Catherine

[niccig]

Just agreeing with PPs. Very normal for the age. They are by nature very self-centered at that age; it doesn't predict how they'll be in the future. Yeah, you work on it and try to grow them into respectable adults, but I wouldn't read much into a few days like this at 4.

We do find it helpful to set the expectation in advance when we go out places. My kids rarely get anything on a random trip to a store. When they were 4-5 yo we started giving each 1-2 bucks to spend on something at WFs, mostly because it gave them practice in what they could/couldn't afford, and it also made things we don't normally buy (like a giant cookie, or orange juice, or whatever....) not off limits. When we take a trip to a museum or similar, we let them know they have $x to spend, or that we won't be buying anything today, or that they can bring their own money to make a small purchase if they wish. But at 4, that's still tough for them to grasp even with the expectation set in advance.

We do the same.

At 8 I still go through the "when you get a present what do you do? What do you do if you dont' like it? etc" so DS is reminded of how to behave. I still tell him upfront the expectations and make him spend his own money to get something.

OP, I still don't know all that is age expected. I read many of the posts about older kids to get a heads up of what is to come. I'm in an educational psychology class and was told ability to self-regulate when frustrated really isn't until age 9 -so my expecting DS at 8 to not get upset over math problem on homework isn't reasonable. He still needs help learning this. :oops:

[AnnieW625]

........
based on the replies, i now feel absolutely awful.

so...i will give him his stuff back. we've also been talking about "generous" lately and/but, i need to do a better job of praising him when he goes out of his way to be kind.

thanks, guys. i wish i could be wiser in the moment.

DH would have done the same thing without even thinking twice.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

As far as I'm concerned, 4yos are mild sociopaths. It's 1 pm here and my own 4yo has already thrown three epic tantrums today. I don't even know what they were about. I wouldn't sweat it. He'll grow out of it.

:yeahthat: My 3yo was going totally apesh!t this evening..would demand something (e.g. an apple), then when we got it for him he would say he didn't wnat it and throw it across the room. I think part of it is being 3 years old, and also a lot of it is the hype and excitement over Valentine's day..they had pizza for lunch at school, had a party and people gave valentines with buttloads of candy and sweets.

PP's post about the churro at the zoo...wow that is exactly my DS to a T. he is fairly OCD as well so if i give him say juice in a red cup at one place, next time he goes there, he has to have the same thing, in red cup. If not, meltdown ensues. You know Sheldon from The BIg Bang Theory..that is the adult version of my DS.

So trust me, you did NOT "create this monster"! I dont think i've ever come across a preschooler who was always polite and didn't have crazy demands.

And don't beat yourself up about it. I yelled at DS the other day after yet another whining/throwing phase and he suddenly got all scared and said "Don't yell at me, Mommy." I felt horrible but seriously, listening to a 3yo whine and push his sister around while you already feel like you're working so hard, it can really test your patience. I remember someone saying how age 3 made them understand while child abuse occurs, and I totally get that.