Does your mother tell you what to do?

[KLD313]

Or rather what she thinks you should be doing? Does she question you all the time and nag you about things?

I'm just trying to figure out how dysfunctional our mother/daughter relationship is. She's not a bad person and she really would do anything for me and she helps me a ton but she drives me nuts. I talk to her a couple of times a day, mostly because my father passed away and she's alone. Every conversation is the same. What am I doing, why am I doing it, you should do this, you should do that, why doesn't DD talk more, why don't you cut DS's hair, why are you eating red meat, you should take vitamin D, you need a haircut, why aren't you losing weight. I could go on and on.

I told her it's annoying, she tells me she gets it but she's my mother and if she can't tell me things than who can. Why does she have to tell me anything. I'm almost 39 years old, I'm not going to change because of her opinions. She so hyper-focused on me and my kids it's crazy. I know she has nothing else going on in her life but that's not my fault.

So, I'm wondering if other mothers are like this?

[eagle]

you need to work on her. you need to get her more involved in her community one way or another. go more often to church, join a church, volunteer, learn how to knit, get a job, something.

[barkley1]

No, my mom isn't like that....she usually only offers her opinion if I'm asking or she feels like it's something that would really affect my future. I can't imagine how you must feel...almost like constant criticism :( sorry :cry:

[BunnyBee]

Nope. I wouldn't have many conversations with my mom if she did.

[maestramommy]

Yes, she does, but not as often as she used to. Getting married, then having kids, then moving thousands of miles away makes a difference. We talk on the phone once every few weeks, or every week, depending on if there's a need or if we feel like it. In your case maybe I'd say don't talk on the phone as often?

My mom used to say the same line, "if I don't say these things who will??" Not any more though.

[teresah00]

No she doesn't. She asks what I'm doing and what the kids are up to. She'll occasionally tell me if she thinks of a different way of doing things. But bc it doesn't happen often I can consider it. Can you help her find other things to get involved in?


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[willow33]

My mom is also alone...my dad died a few years ago and we live about 1,000 miles away from her. I talk to her at least once a day and she will sometimes offer her opinion on things, but no where near the rate your mom does. I will agree that maybe your mom needs some things in her life of her own to focus on? I'm thankful my mom is very active and has interests that keep her busy. She goes to the gym every day, loves to snow shoe, meets friends for lunch, etc... Does your mom do things like this? Sounds like she is lonely and maybe focusing on you and your family is helping her cope with that.

[KLD313]

Ugh, you're all lucky, I'm jealous. ;).

No, she does nothing. She doesn't like to do anything by herself, she's afraid of everything. What if I crash? I'm scared. If I had a dollar for every time she said that... I told her she needs to find a hobby or a boyfriend. Oh God I wish she would a find a boyfriend but her answer to all my suggestions is always the same... I don't want to. I just want to see the kids. :banghead:

Her anxiety level is through the roof. I told her she should be medicated. Guess what her answer was? Uh huh, she doesn't want to!

[trales]

Yes she does, I love her but wish she would get her own life.

[edurnemk]

She doesn't always openly tell me, she just kind of tries to take over my life and do verything herself :shake: I KNOW we have a dysfunctional relationship. I'm still a teenager in her eyes, and she spends 100% of her energy on me and my brothers, she really needs to find a hobbie, take a class, volunteer, whatever, but you can't even hint at that without ther being huge drama.

[wellyes]

She does, but I don't talk to her that much, and I've learned to laugh it off.

It sounds like her anxiety is debilitating, which is sad. I would push far more on the"talk to your doctor" issue, her quality of life could be improved so much. If she is going to hound you with advice constantly, turn the tables. Since enforcing boundaries by cutting her off isnt an option because you are worried about her (which I think is understandable).

[KLD313]

She does, but I don't talk to her that much, and I've learned to laugh it off.

It sounds like her anxiety is debilitating, which is sad. I would push far more on the"talk to your doctor" issue, her quality of life could be improved so much. If she is going to hound you with advice constantly, turn the tables. Since enforcing boundaries by cutting her off isnt an option because you are worried about her (which I think is understandable).

Yes! It really is debilitating and I don't get why she doesn't care. She's depressed also. Her father died then a couple of years later my father died, then her mother two years ago and her brother died totally unexpectedly three weeks ago. She took anti-depressants for a month or so once and it was by far the best month of my life. When she went off of them I wanted to go on them to cope with her going off, seriously. I was devastated. She was so pleasant to be around but she said she didn't like feeling nothing. So, I guess feeling miserable constantly is better for her. That's why I suggested anti-anxiety meds, I figured maybe she would be more open to that. Idk what to do to get her to understand.

[KLD313]

She doesn't always openly tell me, she just kind of tries to take over my life and do verything herself :shake: I KNOW we have a dysfunctional relationship. I'm still a teenager in her eyes, and she spends 100% of her energy on me and my brothers, she really needs to find a hobbie, take a class, volunteer, whatever, but you can't even hint at that without ther being huge drama.

At least you have brothers, it's all me! I'm not minimizing your issue at all, I get it, I really do but if only I had siblings to take some of her focus off me it would be better.

[minnie-zb]

Wow. I don't think I've ever encountered someone who has such a similar relationship as i do to my mother. I'm also an only. My mother is way too involved in my life. Things go much better when she's seeing her therapist, but she hasn't been in a while. I assume she isn't going back.

We should form a support group.

[KLD313]

Wow. I don't think I've ever encountered someone who has such a similar relationship as i do to my mother. I'm also an only. My mother is way too involved in my life. Things go much better when she's seeing her therapist, but she hasn't been in a while. I assume she isn't going back.

We should form a support group.

Wait, she went to therapy? OMG that would be a dream come true for me.

I'm in for a support group!

[hapimommy]

My mom sounds just like your mom, but she actually comes to visit whenever she wants, and while telling me what to do, she rearranges our house. I know she has an anxiety problem, and I know she loves me, but I had to finally tell her that she is not welcome unless I call and invite her first. She really stresses me out, and I am not an only, but I am the only one out of her three kids that has kids. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. She also drives dh nuts, so if she is visiting, he will not come home, which makes things with the kids even more difficult.

[wifecat]

My mother-daughter relationship is ridiculously unhealthy. My mom handles bad news well - she'll be supportive and consoling. But I don't like sharing bad stuff - I want to focus on the good things. She doesn't handle that well and basically hopes it turns bad for you. I was sick last week, just before my first half-marathon. Before the run she was like, "I don't think you should do this. You might not even finish." And it makes me wonder if she's met me. After the race (8 mi up a mountain, 5.1 down) she said, "I was thinking of you during the race. Wondered if you'd even be able to finish." Super negative Nelly. I try to ignore it, but it's ridiculous. Call and tell her your best friend has cancer and she's really nice and supportive. Tell her you are now a sponsored athlete and she says, "Huh."

[hellokitty]

KLD, I can relate. My mom is very opinionated and controlling as well. However, my dad is still alive and she is in a miserable marriage (we have begged her to divorce him, but she refuses to do it, for some reason she is very loyal to him, even though he treats her horribly). She projects a lot of the controlling behavior that my dad puts onto her, onto me. I have siblings, but I am the only daughter, and I get the brunt of it. I do not, however, speak to her everyday, b/c I can't handle it. I know she would like it if I talked to her everyday, but I get so frustrated talking to her, we often end up in an argument, b/c she tries to tell me what to do, I disagree and then somewhere my dad gets brought up and things go totally downhill, b/c no matter what, she will always stick up for him, and tell me that I am wrong. She keeps herself busy, so it's not that she doesn't have a life, but she just thinks that she has the right to tell me what to do. Like your mom, she feels that she is entitled, as my mom to tell me how to, "improve" myself, b/c she CAAAAAARES about me. Both of my parents have always been hypercritical, and IDK what it is about it driving me more nuts than before. Maybe it is b/c she still treats me like a child, or maybe it's b/c I'm a mom now and I just have less patience. The worst thing was my weight. She bugged me for DECADES about her weight, until I finally lost it on her a couple yrs ago, and now she has backed off a lot about it. However, she will guilt me over it, saying she doesn't feel that it's rightt hat she can't talk to me openly, blah, blah, in a passive aggressive way that just makes me stew.

My mil is the one who has the debilitating anxiety that your mom has, and omg, it is waaay worse than dealing with my mom. At least I feel like I can tell my mom to cut the crap when she gets really bad and let it vent out. However, I can't do that with mil. My mom's behavior can get annoying, my mil is annoying AND crazy. She is too scared to do anything, like your mom and always wants ppl to feel sorry for her. She is very needy and sucks the soul out of anyone she comes into contact with, b/c she always wants more and it's never enough. Even dh said it, his words were, "she sucks the joy out of everything." Ever since we got rid of our landline, dh mostly deals directly with his mother. However, I can't deal with her, she also feels entitled to tell not just dh, but ME, what to do, and doesn't seem to have any sense of boundaries at all. It's not just the anxiety, but she is really selfish and manipulative and don't get me started on her habit of lying, I think that she lies so much, she can't even keep them straight, so I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. She decided to come over with less than one hr of notice today under really irritating circumstances (never gives us more than 1 hr notice, often they are alrady on the way when she calls!!!) and it put me in such a funk, that I told dh I was leaving the house, b/c I couldn't deal with his mom. He couldn't stand how crabby I was about his mom (and he no longer makes excuses for her, since he finally realizes that she is nuts, but he gets upset that I don't just coddle his mother, like he does), that he told me to just go out shopping. The worst part is that she refuses to take meds (her pcp has tried to put her an anti-depressants before), but she is so miserable to be around, I feel like *I* need to be medicated in order to deal with her. Like we have had a thread here before about someone asking if her pcp could give her a few pills in order to deal with her mil visiting. That's how I feel, like I need to be on something in order to be able to deal with her. It sounds unhealthy, but there have been times, that I've had a glass of wine, mostly during the holidays, before mil came over, as a coping mechanism. It makes me sound awful, but I am NOT a drinker at all. I have never gotten drunk in my entire life, half a glass of wine is usually all that I drink at one time. I honestly don't know how dh does it, except that his mother brainwashed, he, his brother and fil very early on that they should always pity her. So, he thinks that this is normal. My sil and I think that mil is flipping nuts though and we can see the dysfunction, but my dh, bil and fil insist that it's just normal. At least I acknowledge that my family (parents) is dysfunctional.

Anyway, sorry to go off on my own vent, but I do feel like I understand a lot of what you are going through and btwn my sibs and dh's brother, dh and I are the geographically the closest to both sets of parents, which is why we both bear the brunt of the craziness. We're thinking about moving and a lot of it is in order to get away from both sets of parents. It sounds awful to type that out, but that's how negatively our relationship with our parents affect us. It is exhausting and frustrating to deal with ppl like this. They just suck the life right out of you, and no matter what you do, it's never enough. I actually refuse to answer the phone if it's mil, I let it go to VM, and I know that it drives her nuts, but my sil does the same thing, b/c she too can't deal with my mil. So, I don't feel as bad about it, b/c I'm not the only one who can't cope with mil.

[HannaAddict]

My mother-daughter relationship is ridiculously unhealthy. My mom handles bad news well - she'll be supportive and consoling. But I don't like sharing bad stuff - I want to focus on the good things. She doesn't handle that well and basically hopes it turns bad for you. I was sick last week, just before my first half-marathon. Before the run she was like, "I don't think you should do this. You might not even finish." And it makes me wonder if she's met me. After the race (8 mi up a mountain, 5.1 down) she said, "I was thinking of you during the race. Wondered if you'd even be able to finish." Super negative Nelly. I try to ignore it, but it's ridiculous. Call and tell her your best friend has cancer and she's really nice and supportive. Tell her you are now a sponsored athlete and she says, "Huh."

That is my MIL. She is giddy with excitement to share anyone's bad news. Happy, giddy, exhilarated. But good news or just everything is fine and she is negative and awful. We only tell her good things and only things she gets are on a "need to know" basis. The minute you let down your guard or boundaries she is toxic and actively working against you. She also did a trial of anti-depressants and it was great, she was finally decent to be around. She went off them since she gained five pounds and also likes the negative feelings. She's been like this her whole life.

[kellij]

My mom definitely nags. She nags about whatever it is until it isn't an issue any more. Almost like a verbal tick.

It's funny, I was at my dermatologist today and I was talking to him about my almost 3yo saying "no lotion!" when I try to put lotion on his little tushy that gets eczema on it. The derm said, "well, you're his mom, you just have to do it. Isn't that what mothers do? Nag. My mom is 85 and she still is nagging me." He's probably in his fifties. I think it's pretty common.

My mom has gotten better since she started reading books regularly. I think it helped her to obsess less about things. She definitely has a high level of anxiety, which seems to be much better if she can distract herself with something like reading.

[niccig]

Yes, she does, but not as often as she used to. Getting married, then having kids, then moving thousands of miles away makes a difference. We talk on the phone once every few weeks, or every week, depending on if there's a need or if we feel like it. In your case maybe I'd say don't talk on the phone as often?


This is key. My mother is like your mother. My younger sister complains about mum telling her what to do. I respond "don't tell her what's going on then she can't criticize it." I've found it's all in the delivery. I don't tell her what DH and I are considering, I tell her when we've made a decision. Otherwise, it's a chance for her to butt in before the decision is made.

[Nooknookmom]

you need to work on her. you need to get her more involved in her community one way or another. go more often to church, join a church, volunteer, learn how to knit, get a job, something.

Doubt it will help, my mother is 83, I'm 42, her opinions and habits are NOT going to change. She accepts that she is how she is...and she's alone all day too my dad retired but took a job bc he was bored. She refuses to join anything. Says she keeps busy at home.

Can't change an old horse. Or mule...but one can be happy we still have them around to boss us and project their opinion coz as my best gf told me recently....

"You will miss that when she is gone". Just a thought!

Eta that they did go to church for a long time (dad was a deacon) and were very active in the youth group and feeding the local kids and they donated a lot of time (they cooked for 50-100 each wed) and money...but like most groups, it turned into an adult high school situation and they were NOT into that hot mess and left, so I retract she did try something!!!

[KLD313]

This is key. My mother is like your mother. My younger sister complains about mum telling her what to do. I respond "don't tell her what's going on then she can't criticize it." I've found it's all in the delivery. I don't tell her what DH and I are considering, I tell her when we've made a decision. Otherwise, it's a chance for her to butt in before the decision is made.

That's the thing. I don't say a lot about what goes on. She juts brings up random stuff about what I should do. I barely speak when we're on the phone and it's funny because it's so reminiscent of how she was with her mother. My grandma would talk amd talk and talk and my mom would say yeah yeah yeah. Lol. My mother has become her mother and I really hope I don't end up like that.

Like some else said, she's not going to change. She's tried a few things and quit them. She's only 64, she's too young to keep living like this. Her parents died in their 90's, I can't imagine her being like this for the next 30 years.

[karstmama]

mine does tell me things to do, and often it's not worth either ignoring it and getting the sighs or talking her out of it, so if it's small stuff, i do it her way. she's awesome, though, about knowing i'm ds's mother, not her, and totally knows those boundaries, so i don't have a lot of negative to say about her. she's both my rock and my soft place to land.

[joonbug]

Not my mom, thank God. She is pretty chill, sometimes she tries to give me advice but realized pretty quickly that if I vent to her, I just need to talk. Not ask for advice. We live on different continents, and she has a busy life, that helps :). But also, she has never been a very involved mother. My grandma, on the other hand, is like that. She would bug and nag about smallest the least important thing, has a lot of anxieties. Sadly, one of the reasons we don't talk much :(.

[brittone2]

I had issues with my mom a bit pre-kids. In one instance she was pissed about something and called my (soon to be) MIL to b!tch about it. I completely flipped out on her, as no matter what the issue, that's just 100% inappropriate. My mom and dad had butted in with my siblings as adults, and gave some input about things with their kids and so forth. My siblings are roughly all a decade older than I am, so I witnessed first hand how this really was not a good thing. In my parents' defense, some of the things they were concerned about were quite significant with my siblings, and my SILs all had a terrible habit of calling my parents every time they got into an argument with their spouses. Oversharing kind of leads to that, IMO.

After that big flip out with my parents, my mom pretty much never did it again. She's been tremendously supportive of us as parents, and we've really never had an issue since the kids were born.

My MIL on the other hand was fine until we had kids, and then she was a nightmare. She called my mom to complain that we were using a midwife for my maternity care with DS1, when she didn't even know what that meant other than in her words, "someone who delivers Amish babies." :ROTFLMAO: If she had concerns, she could have talked to me and I could have at least talked her through the training, credentials, etc. That was the tip of the iceberg; it continued on for DS1's first year or two of life, and then DH and I finally had a very big blowup with them. Around that time we also moved 9 hours away, and well, absence made the heart grow fonder I guess. On the upside, we have a very, very good relationship with the ILs now, so I think it was good that we aired things out back in the day. DH jokes that we really paved the way for his brother and SIL, as MIL/FIL have never really done the same to them, despite BIL/SIL doing things like BFing, cosleeping, holding their babies a lot, and lots of other things they criticized us for doing. In MIL and FIL's defense, our kids were also their first grandkids, so I think it was new thing for them. My parents had already been down that path multiple times, and I think had already learned that butting in and offering unwanted advice, etc. is rarely well received. THey had experience on their side ;)

As I've grown more confident as a mom, I also find myself more willing to let lots of things roll off my back. For example, DH's 90 yo grandmother (still very mentally sharp) doesn't approve of HSing, and I really just don't get bothered by it at all.

ILs and parents do not get involved in our parenting and are very supportive. My mom has never been one who can reliably listen without giving advice, so I have never involved her in any day to day types of stressors, because she gets really worked up and it just isn't worth it. For example, I would never, ever tell my parents if DH and I had a run of the mill argument. My siblings' spouses always would end up calling my parents to gripe about stuff like that. To me, that type of oversharing with your parent/IL can certainly make it tough for them to maintain their distance.

[sste]

My mom did. She had real issues with the way she spoke to people and her respect of their boundaries. However, I also came to see over time that she desperately wanted to be needed and to feel part of our family. She felt I think that she would be more a part of my life if she was providing a needed service to her loved ones (this was her view of her nagging and criticism, no doubt in my mind). It was a horrible cycle and I bet I have an ulcer from all I heard over the years. The best luck with improving the situation I had was when I gave her a "job" that she loveds and is good at that made her feel needed. She adored shopping for children's clothes and one year I sucked it up as I love to buy the kids clothes and told her I really needed her help, I was so busy with work, could she pick out the kids clothes and I would pay for them. She was so happy and I didn't hear comments for many weeks after that.

Sorry to digress so much . . . I hope that helps.