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View Full Version : IEP meeting-finally progress, but so exhausting



JustMe
02-18-2013, 06:07 PM
Just wanted to post and hopefully hear back from some people who understand. We had another IEP meeting for dd this past week. She originally qualified in October after a 2 year journey to try to get services for her, and I was mortified when I saw the IEP they produced after the meeting; I didn't recognize it as something to address dd's needs and in some way preferred the 504 it was replacing!

Several meetings, including one with a high up big-wig, and much stress later I finally have in front of me an IEP that I think gets close to meeting her needs (still has a ways to go, but I feel like I'm reading about something dd needs when I read it). This last meeting was one of the worst, and attended by 2 of the spec. ed big wigs. During at least one part, I know I did not act wonderfully b/c my frustration level is so high and I am literally running on fumes like a car with no gas left...but finally some progress. I am exhausted!

karstmama
02-18-2013, 07:27 PM
gosh, i'm sorry. that does sound exhausting. i've almost always felt that everyone at the iep meetings really had ds's best interests at heart and in mind. (well, except for one woman who acted like everything came directly from her salary...but she was easy to plow over.) are there iep coaches/mentors/handholders in your district? sounds like someone to bounce ideas off of and practice your firm but cheerful approach would help.

Gena
02-19-2013, 03:11 PM
IEPs can be exhausting, especially when they get contentious and drag out. :hug:

It sounds like you're still not happy with the IEP. Did you sign it or are you still negotiating? Are you working with an advocate or a parent mentor at all?

It's taken me a lot practice to stay calm and keep my cool during particularly difficult IEP meetings and other school meetings. Going to training sessions and conferences has helped me a lot in knowing what to say, what not to say, and how to answer district personnel.

crl
02-19-2013, 03:15 PM
I am glad there is progress at least! :grouphug:

Catherine

VClute
02-19-2013, 06:12 PM
IEPs can be exhausting, especially when they get contentious and drag out. :hug:

It sounds like you're still not happy with the IEP. Did you sign it or are you still negotiating? Are you working with an advocate or a parent mentor at all?

It's taken me a lot practice to stay calm and keep my cool during particularly difficult IEP meetings and other school meetings. Going to training sessions and conferences has helped me a lot in knowing what to say, what not to say, and how to answer district personnel.

We have a potentially contentious meeting coming up. I've done a lot of homework, and I think I'll be able to maintain my cool, but I'm curious what advice you'd offer re: what to say and what not to say and how to answer district personnel. You're such a wealth of knowledge!

JustMe
02-19-2013, 08:25 PM
Thanks so much for the responses and support! I never figured out how to do multiple quotes on this, but I think I get most of people's questions/comments by responding to Gina's quote below.




It sounds like you're still not happy with the IEP. Did you sign it or are you still negotiating? Are you working with an advocate or a parent mentor at all?

It's taken me a lot practice to stay calm and keep my cool during particularly difficult IEP meetings and other school meetings. Going to training sessions and conferences has helped me a lot in knowing what to say, what not to say, and how to answer district personnel.


You know, it seems to be different here. I never get to sign the IEP (or refuse to). I can either say I want another meeting, which would be scheduled quite a ways from now or not. I think for now, I see enough positive changes on the IEP that I will leave things for now. One of the administrators mentioned meeting in the Spring, to look at how dd is doing in math; as I wanted a goal added and they want to continue to wait and see if other interventions work first---so, I think I will wait until then. I did send out an e-mail with some relevant info about one of her goals and how it relates to her diagnosis as a way of addressing why I don't feel a different goal is the one that is needed, but I will leave it at that for now.

You know the cheerful, firm part is interesting. I know that is what is generally recommended and it is generally what I do. However, I have found this so frustrating that I have been anything but cheerful, and I have to say I get a better response (not that they are happy with me, but that they know to take me seriously) when I am clear about how dissatisfied I am.

I actually am going to an IEP training for parents on Thursday. Hoping to learn some good info.

I am working with an agency that is not quite an advocate but something in between...they help mediate and have been the reason why the big wigs attended the meeting, and that is good as that is why the progress is made. They don't do things like facilitate the meeting when I am being ignored (or point that out), help the team understand where I am coming from, etc. I have looked for advocates, but here it seems the only choice would be an attorney...and I don't necessarily think any laws are broken here--it just has been difficult to get them to do things/design goals that help dd due to her diagnosis--but I don't think they are doing anything illegal.

Gena
02-22-2013, 11:25 AM
We have a potentially contentious meeting coming up. I've done a lot of homework, and I think I'll be able to maintain my cool, but I'm curious what advice you'd offer re: what to say and what not to say and how to answer district personnel. You're such a wealth of knowledge!

Everything I know I learned from Wrightslaw, our Parent Mentor, and other Moms in our Autism group.

This is one that you probably know, but sometimes it's easy to forget: Never say that a particular service or method would be "best" for your child. The law guarantees your child a Free and Appropriate Education (FAPE), not the best education. So always say that the service/accommodation/method you want is "the most appropriate" for your child.

Pete Wright recommends maintaining an approach that is a cross between Miss Manners (polite) and Detective Columbo. At the start of the meeting, I always thank the teachers and therapists for coming and for the work they do with DS. I mention how much he enjoys class/therapy sessions.

Do you remember the old Columbo movies? He was very humble and non-accusatory. Sometimes he appeared to be completely clueless (but obviously wasn't), and always solved the case because he knew how to ask questions that lead his opponent to give the answer Columbo wanted all along. This method looks like this:

Mom: "DC has a very hard time listening to the teacher sometimes. He/she really wants to pay attention, but gets distracted by other things going on in the room. I wonder what we can do to help him/her attend to the teacher more easily?"
Staff: "Let's write that he/she needs to sit up front, close to the teacher."
Mom: "Oh, that's a wonderful idea."
(Of course you wanted preferential seating all along.)

Along those lines, I never tell the district staff that something is against the law, even when I know it is. District personnel often think that they know the law, but in reality they don't have a clear understanding. So I say, "I am confused by what you said regarding X. Is there some kind of rule about that?" Then someone will usually say, "well, the law says...." except they are wrong and I know they are wrong. So I lay my copy of Special Education Law 2nd Edition (http://www.amazon.com/Wrightslaw-Special-Education-Law-Edition/dp/1892320169/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361544448&sr=8-1&keywords=wrightslaw) (contains the whole of IDEA and some other laws) on the table and say, "Can you show me in the law where it says that? I don't remember that from when I read it." Usually they can't show me, so we look it up in the book together. We read the actual law and talk about what it means.

(My bookmarks in this book are a pamphlet from a state Special Education Advocacy Group and the business card of a friend's spouse who is a lawyer. This makes the district personnel more careful because they suspect that I have an attorney working on DS's case.)

Another tactic that helps is when school district staff say things that you don't agree with, restate what they have said, to make sure that you understand it correctly. "So you are saying that DC can only have speech therapy twice a month? And this is because budget cuts have left the district short staffed? Am I understanding that correctly?" This way you can make sure that your understanding of what the staff says is in fact what they actually mean.

I find it help to take my own notes during the IEP meeting. At first, the case manager would always try to tell me that it wasn't necessary for me to take notes, because she does. I would always cheerfully reply, "Oh I know. These are just for my own records." I use a simple table format with the following columns:
Issue Discussed - Accepted/Rejected - Reason - Responsible Party-Date

This format helps me organize my thoughts during the meeting and I have a record of everything later. Going along with the previous example, if the staff confirms that yes, DC can only have therapy twice a month and budget cuts are a reason, my next questions are "Who was responsible for that decision? When was that decision made?" And I write it all down.

When the district personnel see me write these things down, they are more careful about what they say and how they say it. They think about things more carefully and compromise more often. There is the unspoken understanding that notes can later become evidence in a due process hearing. And the task keeps me more focused. (Also I can write my sarcastic little comments in the margin - and remove them later - instead of saying them out loud. So they serve as a good outlet for that too.)

DS has a complicated IEP - with lots of services, lots of accommodations, and lots of goals. I never plan to get through it and come to an agreement with all the teachers/therapists in a single meeting. I always refer to the first meeting as "first round negotiations." I don't let the district personnel rush me to a decision about any aspect of the IEP. If there is something I need to think about or research or discuss with DS's doctor, I calmly say that and tell them that we will discuss further it at a follow up meeting.

At the end of the meeting, I again thank everyone for coming, thank them for their work, and cheerfully assert that I'm sure we will be able to come to an agreement on the remaining points.

Anyway - that's a few pointers of how I approach IEP meetings. I hope it helps.

hillview
02-22-2013, 12:06 PM
Gena you are a fountain of knowledge. thanks so much for posting so much. OP thanks for the thread!