What do you do with a child who is a pessimist? Who chooses to be miserable?

[cilantromapuche]

This is something that I struggle with DD. She is almost seven and this is her personality. My uncle thinks it is because she is a Gemini and DH is convinced that she is bipolar. I think she is too young to be bipolar (and I have worked with kids who are).
I just don't know how to handle her.
Please, give me any advice whatsoever!!!!!

[Twoboos]

We struggle with the with DD2. Check out the workbook "what to do when you grumble too much." She really gets into it. But we need to review it more regularly - when faced with some kind of challenge she forgets her plans to overcome stuff.

[MamaMolly]

I'm not sure I can offer advice, but I can relate a little. BIL is like this. I jokingly call him Eyeore in a wet diaper (not to his face, of course!). He always chooses to seek out, comment upon, etc. the bad parts of life to the point where people have a hard time being around him. On the other hand, he is really kind, funny and would go out of his way to help you. It makes me sad because I wish he could be happy, but he really can't.

I hope someone has good advice to offer, I can send hugs!

[sste]

Get this. http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Child-Negative-Thinking/dp/0738211850

We also have done sticker charts for coming up with a "fortunately" -- meaning the bright side of a situation. Since toddlerhood, my DS's favorite word has been "UN-for-tu-nately!"

[cilantromapuche]

Thanks so much for the suggestions. I really am at my wits end. People who know her say that I am all set for the teenage years because she really can't be much worse. I just get sad thinking she has a long life ahead of her.
Ii hate travelling with her or paying for her to do any kind of camp because it will be a fight to get her to enjoy anything. Even if it is something she loves. We are going to Europe this summer and I am dreading it.

[Twoboos]

Get this. http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Child-Negative-Thinking/dp/0738211850

We also have done sticker charts for coming up with a "fortunately" -- meaning the bright side of a situation. Since toddlerhood, my DS's favorite word has been "UN-for-tu-nately!"

Thanks for the reminder, I have to dig this book out!

I like the "fortunately" idea too.

[Meatball Mommie]

I feel your pain! DS2 is like this. He actually was worse as a 5-6 year old and seems to be getting better. We have said many of the same things:

-He's a "glass is half empty" kind of person
-Maybe he's bipolar
-He has an "observer" vs. "do-er" personality
-He had no grey areas either - everything was THE WORST, not just bad

We actually dreaded doing things as a family because he was always so negative and determined NOT to have fun! He hated birthday parties too... As soon as we'd get somewhere, he'd beg to go home. He was miserable and wanted us all to be miserable with him.

We actually went through a time where we called the negative side of him "Mr Grumpy" :) Only half jokingly and he knew it! We used to tell him to put Mr Grumpy away (in the closet, out the window...) That helped that we would recognize that he was in a grumpy mood and he needed to get out of his funk.

I have those books that are recommended by others and they helped. We talked a lot about word choices too (always, never, everyone...) I don't know whether the things we did/said helped or if he outgrew it a bit, but he's not bad now. Yes, there are times when he's unhappy and grumpy but for the most part, he's not. He will never be the raging optimist ;) but he is not so negative.

Good luck and hang in there!

[Green22]

Honestly, I am like this. I wish I wasn't and I have tried a lot to change the way I think but not with a lot of success without meds. I think it is just how you are born (and also some brain chemistry).

I read a thread once where someone (I think clr?) said that she used to talk about one thing she was grateful for, and had her son do the same at night. I am trying to do this at dinner with my family - let's talk about 2 things we are gratfeul for today. I have read that gratitude kind of counteracts negativity so it might be a good thing to start pushing (not that you don't already). I am terrible at searching but the thread was about trying to counteract entitlement and there were some good thankful/grateful ideas on there. Good luck.

[hellokitty]

OP, my 9 yr old DS is a lot like this too. If it's not something that HE wants to do, he is a total gloom and doom person (on top of being social awkward and having trouble making friends). Most often DS will pull this attitude when we are out trying to do something fun as a family, and will put a big dampner on our family fun.

What is most worrisome is that my mil and my dad are BOTH like this. Negative Nellies, who are incapable of being happy and worse yet, they LOVE to gossip when bad things happen to ppl, which is really disturbing. DS doesn't have that issue, but his gloom and doom, party pooper attitude is definitely similar to mil and my dad's and we just would really like to avoid him going down that path. DH and I have joked that he will be goth when he's in high school. Joy.

We try to talk him out of his bad mood or coax him out of it using some humor. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't and he just basically sulks through whatever it is that we are doing. Sometimes we get angry with him, which I feel bad about and then we end up apologizing to him for getting angry with him. I feel like we do too much of the, "you have a bad attitude" talk, which like you have said is more of a teen problem, not a problem for a 9 yr old (he's been like this since he was about 4-5 yrs old though). It is definitely part of his personality.

[hillview]

I think there are some subtle differences. Is she
- pragmatic and thoughtful about what might be bad (like going to the park, it could rain) so in this case coming up with a plan or strategy to overcome this problem might help?
- is she observant and tends to highlight the bad things that happened (DS1 is like this). With DS1 he tends to remember the negative things that happen and need to talk about them, process them. That said it doesn't mean he is unhappy or sad about things just that is what he needs. I find with him it varies so some months he is more "negative" than other months depending on how things are going overall. We got DS1 to see a therapist to help work through this, a lot of it seemed tied to DS2 and sibling rilvary.
- is she seeing the bad side and feeling bad which I would be most concerned about

Regardless given what you posted, it might be good to take her to a pedi psych to help her cope better or at least give you and DH some peace of mind if it is "normal"

ETA the reason for the therapist suggestion is if your DH thinks she is really bipolar (in any real way) it would be good to talk with someone. Finally I think it is smart to be cautious of labeling kids at least to their face (not that you are doing this!). I was always the one who was "overly emotional" or "making a big deal out of something" it didn't help me :)

[Giantbear]

My wife is a gemini and is a pessimist, your uncle may be on to something...

Right now, my wife is doing two things, every day she makes a list of 5 good things that happened during the day and, when she gets doom and gloom on something, i have her write down her negative prediction and then the ultimate result so she can see just how far from negative the results really were.

I am also working with my wife to stop lamenting negatively and, when a problem or issue arises, to come up with several different solutions to choose from.

I am guessing, if you asked your dd if she believes in fate or that we determine our future, she would say fate.

[janine]

I agree that it depends on the context.

Personally I'm a bit of a negative person - I almost am reading some of these suggestions for myself, haha. I do think it can be a personality issue (flaw?) or a form of self-protection.

I see it in my DD too in how she tends to assume negative things - like NO we can't do that it will rain or I don't like to do that,etc.

It is exhausting but I tend to think of it as simply her way of trying to prevent disappointment (vs. all the other more negative assumptions). Maybe seeing it from that angle will help and then counering with an opposite comment. Perhaps that can help condition a child to not "expect" the worse in order to protect themselves. Show them that usually the good thing happens! It's not too late for these little ones like it might be for the grumpy grown ups :bag

[crl]

Honestly, I am like this. I wish I wasn't and I have tried a lot to change the way I think but not with a lot of success without meds. I think it is just how you are born (and also some brain chemistry).

I read a thread once where someone (I think clr?) said that she used to talk about one thing she was grateful for, and had her son do the same at night. I am trying to do this at dinner with my family - let's talk about 2 things we are gratfeul for today. I have read that gratitude kind of counteracts negativity so it might be a good thing to start pushing (not that you don't already). I am terrible at searching but the thread was about trying to counteract entitlement and there were some good thankful/grateful ideas on there. Good luck.

That was me. :). Yes, for a very long period I made ds tell me one thing he was grateful for and I would say one thing I was grateful for at bedtime. It was a struggle sometimes, but I do think it was somewhat helpful in getting him to reframe things. He was somewhat entitled (pretty typical for the age) and tended to focus on the negative.

He has gotten better with age and seems to have picked up on some of our discussions about self-talk and focusing on the positive. (He recently told me that some of the kids in his class get frustrated when they fail a timed math quiz, but he just tells himself he will work at it and get it the next time. I was stunned that he had come up with that kind of positive self-talk on his own.)

OPer your child sounds more negative than ds was though and I think checking in with a child psychologist or the like might be a good idea. They could help you figure out how to best approach this issue.

Catherine

[janine]

My wife is a gemini and is a pessimist, your uncle may be on to something...

Right now, my wife is doing two things, every day she makes a list of 5 good things that happened during the day and, when she gets doom and gloom on something, i have her write down her negative prediction and then the ultimate result so she can see just how far from negative the results really were.

I am also working with my wife to stop lamenting negatively and, when a problem or issue arises, to come up with several different solutions to choose from.

I am guessing, if you asked your dd if she believes in fate or that we determine our future, she would say fate.

You are some kind of saint GB. I'm sometimes a doom and gloom and let's just say I'm more likely to hear criticism from DH rather than a more supportive approach. That is huge. Ok side bar over.

PS I am a cusp Gemini (with Cancer).

[KLD313]

My wife is a gemini and is a pessimist, your uncle may be on to something...

Right now, my wife is doing two things, every day she makes a list of 5 good things that happened during the day and, when she gets doom and gloom on something, i have her write down her negative prediction and then the ultimate result so she can see just how far from negative the results really were.

I am also working with my wife to stop lamenting negatively and, when a problem or issue arises, to come up with several different solutions to choose from.

I am guessing, if you asked your dd if she believes in fate or that we determine our future, she would say fate.

My BF is a Gemini and extremely difficult to live with. Always talking about negative things, dreaming up negative scenarios that can happen, it's exhausting. I often wonder if he'sbipolar or it's just Gemini behavior and I usually think it's a Gemini thing.

[daisysmom]

I learned somewhere on this board to have family dinners discussions like this: each person names a thorn, a rose, and a new bud in their day (something bad, something good that happened, and something new that happened). The key isn't just naming the good thing, but being able to name a bad thing and then transition off of it to the good thing, and the new thing. Sometimes being gloomy or negative is easier to be because expectations are low-- you don't get disappointed when you lave low expectations. But helping your child name something bad but also that something good happened that day is key- teaching that life sways back and forth (it's not always roses).

I wouldn't say that my daughter is a pessimist- but I have the rosy optimist personally and my dh can be the downer. So I see dd learn from him! All of us have benefited a lit from this ritual.

[kellij]

My wife is a gemini and is a pessimist, your uncle may be on to something...

Right now, my wife is doing two things, every day she makes a list of 5 good things that happened during the day and, when she gets doom and gloom on something, i have her write down her negative prediction and then the ultimate result so she can see just how far from negative the results really were.

I am also working with my wife to stop lamenting negatively and, when a problem or issue arises, to come up with several different solutions to choose from.

I am guessing, if you asked your dd if she believes in fate or that we determine our future, she would say fate.

Geez people, stop beating up the Geminis! GB, I think your daughter and I share a birthday, is she negative? I am not, so I disagree that this is an issue at all! I think a lot of how happy you are in life is how you choose to see things. It snowballs.

As for your dd, I think there is absolutely no question you should seek out a therapist. What could it hurt? If she just seemed negative, in general, maybe it wouldn't be such an issue, but the fact that you dread doing things with her makes me think you need to take a proactive approach to trying to help her out. It would be such a shame if everyone just suffered for years if she actually has a medical condition, and if she does need treatment then you could just enjoy her so much more.

[Giantbear]

Geez people, stop beating up the Geminis! GB, I think your daughter and I share a birthday, is she negative? I am not, so I disagree that this is an issue at all! I think a lot of how happy you are in life is how you choose to see things. It snowballs.

As for your dd, I think there is absolutely no question you should seek out a therapist. What could it hurt? If she just seemed negative, in general, maybe it wouldn't be such an issue, but the fact that you dread doing things with her makes me think you need to take a proactive approach to trying to help her out. It would be such a shame if everyone just suffered for years if she actually has a medical condition, and if she does need treatment then you could just enjoy her so much more.DD is almost 3, moody a bit, but actually a very happy person. I have been very active in presenting everything in a positive light. One of my big fears is that she adopts my wife's attitude towards life, but my wife is also dealing with depression and a few other gems.

[hellokitty]

Geez people, stop beating up the Geminis!

Don't worry. My DH is a gemini and he is the most happy-go-lucky person and we also have several friends who are geminis and they are all super laid back and optimistic ppl too. I am the one who is the worrier and tends to be more negative, although I think that a lot of that has to do with my upbringing.

[daisyd]

I agree with PPs who suggested a child psychologist/psychiatrist. Hugs. It must be hard for you and DC. It must be so hard being a child and so down and not knowing what to do with that emotion.

[cilantromapuche]

Once again thanks for the advice. It is very hard for me to relate to DD's pessimism because I was raised in a country with a lot of poverty by grandparents who grew up in the depression and then lost everyone/everything in the Holocaust.
I do hope that she outgrows it. I do know that a part of it (not a big part) is perfectionism but still... to let it ruin every happy moments and have everyone on edge.
DS (who is 9) is always very protective (that isn't the right word but you know what I mean) and I have to constantly tell him that it isn't his job to make her happy.

[LizLemon]

Once again thanks for the advice. It is very hard for me to relate to DD's pessimism because I was raised in a country with a lot of poverty by grandparents who grew up in the depression and then lost everyone/everything in the Holocaust.
I do hope that she outgrows it. I do know that a part of it (not a big part) is perfectionism but still... to let it ruin every happy moments and have everyone on edge.
DS (who is 9) is always very protective (that isn't the right word but you know what I mean) and I have to constantly tell him that it isn't his job to make her happy.

Your mentions of pessimism, perfectionism, and (it sounds like) irritability make me wonder about anxiety. Regardless of the cause it definitely sounds like it is causing impairment and distress for her, so getting it check out would be a good idea.

[StantonHyde]

This is my DS. But he usually gets somewhere and then has a great time. He just does not transition well. I stopped prepping him for transitions because he would just starting whining--it was easier not to tell him till the last minute. Finally, he is at the point where we can say "remember what happened last time? You didn't want to go and then you had a great time". And he sees that we are right. He has even called himself on it a few times!

DS takes Zoloft for anxiety and sees a psychologist every 1-2 months. It is very helpful.

This kind of thinking can lead to depression or the inability to cope when things don't go well. It does not bode well and should be combatted.

DH is a pessimist but he is not negative like DS is--at all.