Help me keep up with my son--how do you answer the Big questions? Death, heaven, etc

[ExcitedMamma]

This weekend DS showed me how little I know about the next stage of parenting in answering the Big questions. He asked me where my grandparents are. :47: well they've been dead since before he was born.

He's always had a little freckle that I told him was his angel kiss and he just got a new one so he was asking about angels and where they live.

And Easter is coming up so...

How do you answer the Big questions? Death? Heaven? Religion?

Any good parenting books you recommend for me? Good age appropriate kid books?

I've seen threads about loss and kids but since thankfully we aren't faced with that how do I gently answer these questions?

For those of who are Christian any advice on Easter? Book recs?

I grew up with no religion but always believed in God and became a Christian in my 20s and I've read a lot on religion but I have no idea how to explain this to DS without it scaring him! I'm honestly intimidated by church since I've never been and its not what I grew up with. How is this presented in Sunday school?

Thank you so much!!

[rin]

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, I would just try to answer questions as they come up, and then move on.

My older DD is just about the same age (she's turning 3 this May) and she's started asking a lot of questions about death lately, asking where my DH's parents are (they died before she was born) and so on. She overheard a discussion recently about an older friend of the family who became very ill and stopped eating, necessitating a feeding tube, and whose children decided to remove the feeding tube. My mother and I didn't realize DD could hear or would understand, but she's been asking about it a lot.

We've tried to be super matter-of-fact about it; we tell her that DH's parents are not here right now, and that they died. We've told her that everybody has a time to die, and that when it's your time, your spirit leaves your body, but that your body stays here and goes to rest in a graveyard, and that your family goes to the graveyard to think about you and remember you; that sometimes people are sad you're gone because they miss you but that your spirit will always be close to the people you love.

I think kids take a lot of cues from their family about how to approach death, and we're trying very hard to give DD a healthy attitude towards death, namely not terrified or anxious about it.

[maestramommy]

To be honest I don't know how it is addressed in our Sunday School, and I think every church has a different way of talking about it. I do know the teacher of the 3-4-K class skims over the death part pretty quickly. I do not depend on our church to talk to my kids about this. Generally I just answer whatever questions my kids have and don't go into too much detail unless/until they ask. DD1 has been asking a lot more lately since MLK day and Presidents Day (they are also learning about Lincoln), because she learned they were both killed by gunshot. And then our neighbor's dog passed away yesterday. I try to answer her questions as clearly as I can but also as matter-of-factly as I can. She is just now understanding that death can be very sad, whereas before she used to just think well when we die we go to be with God, which sounds great to a kid, I guess. our town cemetery is across the street from our church and dh has taken the kids there on beautiful days just to hang out. They understand what it is. whenever the convo comes up we stick with the theme that death is part of life, but for most people it usually doesn't happen for a long time. But I suspect they are going to see an exception in the next year or two as one of my friends has a DS with a terminal illness.

[Pyrodjm]

I just teach them what we believe in terms they can understand. Try not to complicate things needlessly and remember that young kids think literally.ie. "where is god?" "in the heavens. In the sky up above the clouds." Let answering questions matter-of-factlly as they ask them seems to be working for us.

I grew up attending religious services and my girls come with us. We don't have Sunday school so kids sit through the main service with thier parents. We explain things after if needed.

Sometimes kids really surprise you. My SUPER sensitive and emotional 3yo understood the concept of death (end of life, permanent) perfectly, neither DH or I have ever explained it. We did touch on our spiritual beliefs about death. She has never freaked cried or worried about anything related to death, much to our surprise.

[ShanaMama]

Great question. My 4 yo has been asking these questions & I've been answering as honestly as I am able. And she is exhibiting signs of anxiety as a result. I don't know what to do differently but I've been contemplating getting some help with this.

I'll be watching this thread.

[vonfirmath]

By questions about Easter -- you mean Jesus's death? in SS we do talk about Jesus dying on the cross. That is essential to salvation. At the young ages, the punishment he endured BEFORE his death, as well as how painful dying on the cross actually is are not spelled out.

But kids can understand that, when they do wrong, there is a punishment that is earned. That the punishment for sin is eternal death. But that Jesus, who never sinned, died and, having conquered death, rose again so that we could live an eternal life with God instead of suffering this punishment. Easter is a celebration of God's love for us.

[jgm]

I have three kids, and talk openly about death with them, obviously more so with the seven and five year-old than the three year old. My mom, their grandma, passed away when my oldest was just three and second oldest was one. So, dying to them, means going to heaven and getting to see Grandma again. The thought of Grandma waiting for them is quite fun and exciting to them, as if she is checking it all out. They say things like, "will you be there too?" And I say "yes, but we might not go together. I might go first and you will meet me there." It is all very matter-of-fact and nothing scary about it. "The angels come and take you there" is my standard reply to how you get to heaven. I try not to discuss the burial with them, but they do visit the cemetery and see "Grandma's rock" as they call it, and they know it is there to remember the person who has died. My seven year old is just now beginning to understand that your body gets buried and your soul/spirit goes to heaven, and "you live forever in heaven" and is also comforted to know that "everyone is always happy in heaven, it is the most fun and perfect place imaginable, nobody is ever sad or sick in heaven."

[clb]

Subscribing to this thread so I hopefully remember to update. Dealing with this now. It is so very hard:(
I am getting a recommendation on a book that explains death by comparing to a tree going through the seasons. I just can't remember the name of the author right now.

[magnoliaparadise]

I just answer the questions concretely, but acknowledge when I/we don't know more and I don't discuss more than my DD1 (just turned 5) wants to know. She has been exposed to death more than some of her friends because her cousin (my nephew) died when she was 1 and we talk about him a lot. She will ask about him and I will always say that I carry him in my heart.

Yesterday, she asked me if I had grandparents and who they were. Then she asked me if they died. I said yes, but I carried them in my heart. She said, 'then I carry them in my heart' and she jumped up matter of factly to tell my parents that she carried my grandparents in her heart. For some reason, that hit my core and I teared up a bit - I'm not sure why, but I think because I was touched that she would want to support me like that and I thought how much my grandparents would have loved that.

[klwa]

We were given this book http://www.amazon.com/Next-Place-Warren-Hanson/dp/0931674328 when my mom passed away. It's not specifically Christian, but was a good leaping off point to discuss with DS at the time where Mam was.

[KDsMommy]

DS asks me all the time about death and heaven. He seems very excited about the idea of heaven. This morning as I walked him into school he asked me if Santa Claus visits the kids in heaven. Ummmm...I said yep!

He's asked me on numerous occasions if when kids get shot do they go to heaven. I'm thinking he may have heard something about Newtown. I know his teacher didn't speak to the class about it, but he may have heard something from the other kids.

The only time he's gotten upset about death is when he was asking about our cat dying (she's not even a year old) and I told him that she wouldn't die for a long, long time. He's very attached to the kitty and started crying when thinking about her dying and leaving him.

I just try to be very matter of fact about death, and pass on my beliefs to him that our souls go to heaven and live forever there, happy and pain-free. Several times he's said he can't wait to go to heaven. I'm not exactly sure what they teach in Sunday school, but I know they do explain that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

[DietCokeLover]

For Easter, resurrection eggs are a great way to explain Easter from the Christian perspective. We do them every year.

[clb]

OP, your children are too young for it but the name of the book I mentioned is The Fall of Freddie the Leaf.