Struggling with feeling like a failure ALL day, every day

[wifecat]

I'm a (mostly) SAHM of two kids, ages 2 and almost 4. I have two small part-time jobs, and the rest of the time, I'm with the kids. I'm homeschooling them, and for now obviously, that's preschool. Our plan has been to homeschool them for as long as it works for our family.

But currently, I feel like a failure every day, all day. My house is a mess, my kids are fighting, the laundry isn't done, the lunch was frozen taquitos from Costco...

I used to feel like I did a great job being a SAHM. We were out of the house a lot, involved with other people, off to field trips and activities, and engaged in playing and learning at home. We still do all that stuff, but now everything is a battle - my dd throws tantrums constantly and basically being around her makes me want to drink (I'm not, for the record, but I acknowledge that I want a drink or five in the middle of the day). I know how awful that sounds. And that's why I'm here.

Dd is constantly telling ds how to play and what he's doing wrong. He is able to mostly ignore her until it just gets to be too much, but I haven't been able to make a dent in her bossing him around, and it is so annoying to all of us. She battles with us on everything. It's just exhausting, and at least 50% of her words come out as a whine (though it never ever gets her what she wants!).

I don't know. Maybe all of this is just completely normal, but I feel so overwhelmed, ill-equiped, and like I'm failing at every. single. aspect. of life. I think the feeling got worse by taking on a couple of part-time gigs. Even though they're small time commitments, I definitely get a sense of satisfaction at doing a good job and being even slightly appreciated. Maybe that's heightening the lack of reinforcement for the job I do at home. I don't know.

Sorry for the novel. I'm just losing it over here.

[candaceb]

Do you have access to a mother's day out program or something like that? Sounds like you could benefit from some sort of arrangement that would give you some time to yourself. DS is in a 2 day a week 2 hour a time nursery school program and just that little bit of time is enough to save my sanity.

[maestramommy]

Given your kids ages you are really in the trenches right now. :hug: 2 and 4 are such tough ages, and a combo can be really painful to watch. my younger 2 are 3 and 5, and watching them play sometimes makes me cringe. The older tries to boss the younger, but the younger is much more strong-willed, and older is not the greatest communicator. It always ends with older having a major meltdown and younger cool as a cucumber doing what she wants.

I know you are homeschooling, but I will just say that 5 mornings of school a week AND a sitter has saved my sanity. Maybe if you just got a mothers helper a couple of times a week to play with one while you take the other. I find after having 3 that having just one is sooooo much easier and we actually have fun together in a way that is simply not possible when you add one more.

You are not a failure:hug: Your situation is just really tough, in the most ordinary way.

[westwoodmom04]

Given your kids ages you are really in the trenches right now. :hug: 2 and 4 are such tough ages, and a combo can be really painful to watch. my younger 2 are 3 and 5, and watching them play sometimes makes me cringe. The older tries to boss the younger, but the younger is much more strong-willed, and older is not the greatest communicator. It always ends with older having a major meltdown and younger cool as a cucumber doing what she wants.

I know you are homeschooling, but I will just say that 5 mornings of school a week AND a sitter has saved my sanity. Maybe if you just got a mothers helper a couple of times a week to play with one while you take the other. I find after having 3 that having just one is sooooo much easier and we actually have fun together in a way that is simply not possible when you add one more.

You are not a failure:hug: Your situation is just really tough, in the most ordinary way.


This exactly. I went back to work (temporarily) when my kids were that age. It really helped me be a better mother to get a break from them. Is there any chance that you might reconsider the homeschooling? That might make it easier both for you to continue to take p/t paid work gigs and to get a break from them.

[hillview]

Given your kids ages you are really in the trenches right now. :hug: 2 and 4 are such tough ages, and a combo can be really painful to watch. ne more.

You are not a failure:hug: Your situation is just really tough, in the most ordinary way.
1000 x :yeahthat:

when DSs were that age it was horrible. It isnt you! I agree, get help if you can. Good luck and take care of yourself!

[daisyd]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Like PP said 2 and 4 are tough ages and it sounds like you don't have me-time to recharge your batteries. If you can get a sitter or do part-time preschool while you exercise and may be meet up with friends it would lift you up. Exercise and peer support for perspective are magic.

[brittone2]

Is your spouse stepping up to help, especially now that you have a PT job? I HS, cook most meals, etc. but that's only possible because DH does a LOT to help out. He knows HSing is my job, and therefore realizes he has to help out around the house a lot. If he didn't, I'd lose my mind.

Are you getting any time to recharge at all? Because for me, when I start feeling like that, I really need to work on my self care. Even if that means other things have to slide. I *need* time to myself or well, everyone else ends up miserable because of me. So I prioritize it.

February, IMO, is also a rough time of the year for many people. I often feel in a rut, I'm tired of not getting enough outside time, etc. I sometimes pick up new curriculum, a few educational games, etc. to change things up for ALL of us this time of the year. I don't think anyone should make major life changing decisions about homeschooling during February. I'm half kidding on that ;) but really, it is tough to not feel unmotivated, bored, stir crazy, etc. this time of the year with kids at home.

Those are tough ages. I know that doesn't help. If you can get a mother's helper, a babysitter, etc. definitely do that. Try to work out some "you" time if you can, or tell your DH you could really use some help (paid help or more help from him).

[daniele_ut]

But currently, I feel like a failure every day, all day. My house is a mess, my kids are fighting, the laundry isn't done, the lunch was frozen taquitos from Costco...

I had to comment, if only to let you know that we had the same frozen Taquitos from Costco for lunch today!

Seriously, though, stop feeling guilty. I've only been at the SAHM thing for a year, though my kids are 8, 5 and 1, and it's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. The monotony of the day to day routine gets to me and then I get thrown off the routine when we have crazy weeks and get behind on everything. Most weeks I feel like I can't win! I have been beating myself up about this for a while, but dh has been on me to stop. He wants me to enjoy the time while the kids are little and stop worrying so much about the house and the laundry and what I think other people expect of me as a SAHM. I know he's right.

When I was working FT, THAT was when I really had the sense I was failing at every aspect of my life because I was doing nothing well - not my job, not mothering, not homemaking. I still take on a few part time tasks at my former employer and enjoy the break I get when I do, but I know that going back full time isn't the answer.

I agree with PP that you need to get some time to yourself. I am notoriously bad at this and sometimes dh will force the issue and kick me out of the house for a while. I always feel better when I come home from book club, but that's only once a month.

I really agree with Brittone that February is just plain hard. I know I have a touch of SAD and by this time every winter I am in a terrible rut. It's cold out, we can't go play at the park because it's wet and snow covered, and we get these dreary temperature inversions that mean we don't see the sun for weeks. Ick.

[MamaMolly]

I've never been much for working out but I really made the commitment to doing it 3 times a week and I know that is what has kept me from loosing my marbles. So much so that when we relocate this fall finding a gym with child care determined where our house hunt will take place.

Also, you have a LOT on your plate. Homeschooling is a BIG deal in terms of time and energy. For example, Dolly goes to preschool 3 mornings a week for three hours. And even then they go out of the classroom for music, PE, computers and gardening. So it's not like the teacher is teaching them all that time.

I think you are bein really hard on yourself, and need to reevaluate your expectations of what one person can get done, and get done well, in any given day.

[anonomom]

I feel for you, perhaps because I feel the exact same way. :hug: I don't have advice to offer 'cause I can't seem to help myself, but I had to at least send you some good vibes.

[twowhat?]

Given your kids ages you are really in the trenches right now. :hug: 2 and 4 are such tough ages, and a combo can be really painful to watch.

:yeahthat: That whole range between 2 and 4 was awful for us, and ITA that having 2 of them makes it exponentially harder. Was I happy to not be a SAHM and be able to drop those terrors off at daycare? Absolutely. Hang in there:)

[wifecat]

Are you getting any time to recharge at all? /snip/

February, IMO, is also a rough time of the year for many people. I often feel in a rut, I'm tired of not getting enough outside time, etc. I sometimes pick up new curriculum, a few educational games, etc. to change things up for ALL of us this time of the year. I don't think anyone should make major life changing decisions about homeschooling during February.

I usually work out 5x/wk and my kids are either at childcare at the gym or with Dad. That's part of the problem, actually. My kids were sick, so I couldn't take them to childcare, then I was sick, then I got injured and now am nursing a peroneal tendon injury that I acquired during a half marathon two weeks ago. Next week I get to add in swimming, and that will help a ton because I get to go back to the gym. Running is my sanity, and erm, clearly I have none right now!

And you're so right about February. You shouldn't cut your hair or make decisions about homeschooling (or anything else major)!

And, TMI, but I'm on my period and that just makes everything worse. Dh is coming home tonight so I can go to a (non-running event) at one of my fave running stores, and hopefully I'll feel refreshed after that.

[edurnemk]

2-4 is such a rough age, oh, just remembering the constant whining sends chills down my spine! I can't say we're out of the woods yet, DS still acts like a mini-teenager sometimes, but it does get better, I promise! During that 2-4 stage I often felt like a failure, too, and I felt sooo guilty about not wanting to be around my child. I can't imagine adding HS to that! You are not a failure, you just have a lot on your plate, and I agree some me-time helps a lot.

[sste]

I just wanted to add that in my view preschool is not inconsistent with long-term homeschooling (in fact I have never grasped the point of homeschooling preschool since preschool is essentially large-group socialization and acculturation).

However, for your purposes preschool a few days per week could just be an outlet for lots of kid activities -- a terrific preschool is very high-end childcare IME. A similar alternative (which my husband did when I did an academic visit) is to find a homescholling group that has some sort of co-op activity. The main point being that most parents cannot provide 100% of the stimulation needed by these active kiddos, esp. at that age. It is for that reason I believe that you see so much group and drop-off activity among homeschoolers. Everyone needs to mix it up!

Also, your DD sounds like she could be a very bright and curious kid who is just getting into mischief and bad habits if she is not kept very occupied. Which is not realistic for any one parent to do! Frankly, my son would take our house down and have DH and crawling on hands and knees for psychotherapy if he did not have a full slate of preschool and activities . . . he is just that socially and cognitively active of a kid.

Good luck! You are being much too hard on yourself here. I would find a preschool or a homeschool co-op two or three days a week and give yourself some much deserved time to recharge!

[wifecat]

Good luck! You are being much too hard on yourself here. I would find a preschool or a homeschool co-op two or three days a week and give yourself some much deserved time to recharge!

We're a part of a homeschool co-op, and the kids go to gymnastics 2x/wk, but my son is too young for a drop-off class, so I do the mommy and me class with him. It's not a break for me the way I'd like it to be, though it's nice to spend some one on one time with ds. We do lots of activities - story time at the library, playdates with other homeschoolers, bounce places, etc. It's just not helping right now. It used to, but right now...ugh. I don't know. All of that stuff is a battle.

[MamaMolly]

\ It used to, but right now...ugh. I don't know. All of that stuff is a battle.

I totally get it. We have occasionally hit a point where going out to do ANYTHING was more insufferable than just staying home. Have hope, this too shall pass. ;)

[Cuckoomamma]

It doesn't sound like this is the case for you, but for us, my taking on a pt job had increased the stress level here so that everyone was acting out (and I don't have toddlers).

I had to pull back on other committments in order to keep the the job. I'm still trying to work on our schedule so that I''m not as stressed, but for me, while there's huge satisfaction in my work and the pay that comes with it, our whole family is suffering from it, including me. Balancing a pt job, homeschooling, running a household, children with food allergies and an intensive extracurricular schedule is putting us all over the edge.

We really enjoy homeschooling and thrive on that aspect. We're just all not doing well balancing my work, as well.

[sste]

Just another thought . . . can you take a "mental health day." Hire a sitter for a nice long stretch -- 4-6 hours, meet up with a friend, read a book at the coffee shop, etc.

Sometimes it makes sense to start with the smaller tweaks first and then work your way up.

When you describe your schedule even with the co-op it does not sound like you are getting a real, sustained break - - just an hour here and there. Some preschools or drop off programs take two year olds too!

[mmommy]

When I read the title of your post my first thought was "I bet she has a 3.5 yo." I'd be right these with you, but DD1 is in preschool, so my feeling like a failure is limited to 7-9am and 3-8pm. The rest of the day I'm competent, happy, and even successful in my career and parenting DD2 (9mo).
Don't know if you've read "Your 3 year old"http://www.amazon.com/Your-Three-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361557998&sr=8-1&keywords=your+3+year+old+friend+or+enemy but it helped me to understand what was developmental and some strategies to minimize the conflict. But repeatedly they recommend preschool. I have to wholeheartedly agree. At least for me, it has saves my self esteem, self respect, and sanity.