WOHMs - how do you find balance?

[Green_Tea]

This past fall, after almost 10 years as a SAHM, I went back to work full time. I started out as a student teacher, and was hired to teach full time right at the end of my placement. I leave around 7 am each morning, and pick up the kids from aftercare between 5 and 5:30. DH brings them to school each day. They spend about 90 min - 2 hours in aftercare a day, so not a lot IMO.

I am really struggling with find some time - any time - for me to enjoy without guilt. I have to do quite a bit of work at home in the evenings and on the weekends. My kids HATE this, and, although it's now been the "new normal" since September, haven't really adjusted. They complain about me being gone and beg me not to continue to work next year (I will work - not working is not an option). My oldest DD flat out told me that she didn't think I'd ever go back to work, which I find baffling because they knew all along that I was in grad school to become a teacher.

This past week was February vacation. I have basically been with them non-stop for 8+ days. We've been bowling, rock climbing, visited friends, had sleepovers, and been out for dinner and lunch several times. Last night when DH and I went out to dinner and my parents (who my kids LOVE) came to babysit, my girls flipped out. They basically want me to be with them ALL. THE. TIME. Tonight I am meeting a few friends for drinks, and DD1 is beside herself (crying, sobbing, carrying on) - even though I have basically been with her since she woke up. I explained to her that this is my vacation, too, and that I want to spend time with my friends just like she got to see hers, but she's having none of it and neither is DD2. They just want ME 24/7.

I feel smothered and resentful. I have so very little time to myself to do anything. I can't even go to the grocery store in the evening without someone bursting into tears. No matter how much I give, they want more. I know this is pretty typical kid behavior, but I am really losing patience and sympathy for it. They have a great relationship with DH, and he's a patient, affectionate, fun parent. Leaving the kids with him while I see friends is no punishment. He's a warm, capable parent.

I always thought being a SAHM was the right choice, but I am seriously doubting the wisdom of my timing. It seems to me that this adjustment would have been easier on my kids - psychologically, at least - if it had happened when they were MUCH younger.

So...if you WOH, how do you find some balance? Please don't tell me that my kids need me more than my friends, or that you simply don't do anything social without the kids, because for me that's not an option. The fact of the matter is that *I* need my friends. I need time for me.

[egoldber]

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. When I went back to work, it was much easier on my younger DD who was 2.5 than it was on older DD who was 8. Older DD for a LONG time (as in for YEARS) would say things like, "It was soooo much better when you didn't work." Nice. But I will say that she did adjust. It just took her much longer than I would have expected.

Also, unless we are going on vacation, I put the kids in camp when school is out. It is so much harder on them to be with me 24/7 and then not at all than it is to just keep the normal routine. The camps are fun and they have a great time.

Your need for downtime and fun is valid and real. You absolutely need that time, so don't feel bad about it.

Looking at it from being back at work for almost 4 years now, it is worth it and in many ways I think the kids are better off. But it was a long, hard adjustment period for them and me. :hug:

[Green_Tea]

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. When I went back to work, it was much easier on my younger DD who was 2.5 than it was on older DD who was 8. Older DD for a LONG time (as in for YEARS) would say things like, "It was soooo much better when you didn't work." Nice. But I will say that she did adjust. It just took her much longer than I would have expected.



Thank you. DS (who is 6, and can be a huge handful) has handled the transition so much better than my DDs. He has never once told me how wants me to stay home, and loves to ask me about "my kids" (students). The girls are just miserable about it, though, and constantly question WHY I have to work. I have reminded them many, many times that they have me for vacations and holidays and snow days and summer, but they don't care. They want me all the time.

I am glad to hear that a long adjustment is something that you experienced - it makes me feel less alone!

[niccig]

I'm not quite where you are as still in school, but DS burst into tears when he asked how much longer I have in school.

I was SAHM until he was 6yrs, so he was used to me being around and taking him on school field trips, picking him up from school. I agree that it's the transition from having you when they want to now having to share you with other things. In the long run, I do think it's better for DS. He is more independent with doing things he is perfectly capable of doing. DH spends more time with him on weekends doing father/son activities and their relationship is closer.

I was older than your DC when Mum went back teaching, my sisters and I were 15, 13, 12 - it was a difficult transition and I remember saying we wish she didn't work either. Mum had a couple of melt-downs about how we had to help more at home. We did adjust to the change and got into a routine of helping with our own chores, starting dinner if Mum wasn't home yet etc.

I also think your DC are lucky to get you the entire week, but they won't realize that. DS and I have Spring Break at same time and our routine is that I work in the morning and if he lets me do that, then we do something fun after lunch.

As to answer the question of why you have to work, my mother had to work as had divorced my dad, we knew that but still didn't like her working at first. When DS asks me, I say I'm studying to be a SLP as it'll be a better job for me to have and we need me to work so we can pay for house, clothes, food, and have savings. I still don't expect DS to get it at 8yo, heck, I didn't get it at 13 either, all I could see was what I was missing out on, but I did understand eventually. I also give same reason for why DH has to work - need to pay for house, clothes, food, and have savings.

[janine]

I hear you and no solutions here. I have always been a WOHM and sometimes when I read SAHM talk about balance and missing work I feel like saying, it's not much better on the other side, just less time!

There is no time for me. I work, commute, and when home it's dinner and all kids until bedtime (which is late since I can't see them all day obviously) and then I clean the kitchen and in bed by midnight. Weekends - it's laundry, errands, kids to library. DH and I haven't had a date night since we were actually dating. I haven't been able to go out with friends so they've faded away. We don't take vacations since it's more work than enjoyment. My me time is at work when I'm surfing the net (although I run errands too while at work) and on the computer while in the playroom with the kids. It's depressing really. I've started to just accept it instead of fighting it.

[westwoodmom04]

You will have some time over the summer to recharge, right? When your kids realize they get that time with you,they may chill out some. The first year of a new job and the first year as a working mom is a double whammy. Next year will be easier.

I went back to work right after my youngest turned two. He cried every morning when I left for the two and a half years I worked. I think it is more a question of personality than an age thing. I'd take it as a compliment that your daughter misses you so much even though it is annoying.

[anamika]

Agree with Beth that it is much harder with older kids. I have been working on and off and the older DD gets, the more resentful she is of time I spend on work.
Certainly not what I expected.
That sounds tough. Can your DH plan something fun for them when you want to go out? For my the balance seems to be in relaxing my standards. So if I want to go out, DD will get to watch a movie then. I have even stooped to letting her eat a lollipop or something if it will make everyone happier ;)

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i've only been working for a few months, though just wanted to say i too found that the transition was MUCH harder on my older child (and my oldest was barely 3 when i started, and mine are basically a year apart!). And in my case as well, my younger one was a more difficult child in general (more needy, more clingy, more stranger-averse, MUCH less independent) so I was surprised. FOr a good few months DS would be so down in the mornings, in tears that he "didn't want to go to school" and "I don't want Mommy to work." No advice here, as i'm still new at this, other than I get where you're coming from.

[hillview]

Well I am a working mom (I work from home -- on calls etc not available or I travel). I find that when I travel for more than a couple of days the kids get more clingy. Personally I would allow for the time away and tell the girls how it was going to work out (give them a schedule to set expectations) and then go with my friends. I am also that parent who has left kids crying at home with a sitter.

Do you think you are at all on the fence when you talk with them about your work or going out? I find if I am on the fence or a little hesitant or unsure that they feed off of that.

HUGS it is hard. Good luck!

[abh5e8]

oh wow...its hard! kids just need a lot of time and attention from parents. for me, my "me time" is at work. even on super busy, never-get-to-pee-or-sit-and-eat 12 hour shifts, I feel professional and useful and helpful and pretty "on." So when I get home, I spend my time with my kids. (as a rule, i don't bring work home, but i know thats also not possible for everyone). i don't do nights out or weekends away with friends...i keep up with them at work or by phone/email on lunch break or in the car. BUT, that totally works for me. if your current schedule isn't working for you, i'd try to carve out some more time for yourself. but i think it will likely be met with resistance from your dc....and thats ok. they won't die. and on the other hand, they won't be little (and this needy) forever :)

[Philly Mom]

First, I am a firm believer in me time and my role models of dual income households are too. Sometimes that is couple time and sometimes that is traveling with friends. Kids grow up and maintaining your own life separate from them is important to my sanity and many others I know. Second, my mentor is a working mom. I have been working with her since her daughter was a teenager. When she was young she would yell at her mom for bringing work home (lawyer so not much of a choice), etc. now, the daughter is 23 and her mom is her role model. They have sleep overs at the daughters apartment. I have seen how much having a working, loving mom has influenced the daughter for all the positive reasons. Her daughter is her number one supporter of her career. I know it was not always easy for either of them but they wouldn't change a thing. As an aside, my mentor always let her daughter know that she was the most important thing in the world and was always there for her daughter when her daughter needed her.

[Green_Tea]

Do you think you are at all on the fence when you talk with them about your work or going out? I find if I am on the fence or a little hesitant or unsure that they feed off of that.



Perhaps I have been a little on the fence. I have been trying to be empathetic and listen to their feelings on the matter, but frankly it doesn't matter how they feel - I am going to continue to work full time. I think that giving them a sounding board has, perhaps, given them the impression that they have a say in the matter. They don't. I am not sure that kids their age are able to distinguish between "Mom is sympathetic to how I feel" and "If I cry enough, Mom will change her mind and stay home." I think it's best to be firm and not engage in discussion, even if it feels a little cold.

I do think that giving the kids the heads up that I was going out tonight was a good thing. DD1 was initially a mess, but OK by the time I left.

FWIW, I do think it's really important to model strong adult friendships. My own parents have only a handful of friends that are scattered about, and now that they are nearing retirement age they don't really have a community of friends with which to enjoy it. I want my kids - especially my girls - to see healthy adult friendships, and to know that they are able to cultivate a strong, supportive network independent of family and marriage. The happiest, healthiest people I know are ones who have an active social life and wonderful friends. It simply not something I am willing to give up, and I don't think that, ultimately, I would be doing my kids any favors if I did.

[turtle12]

What do think about taking a day off occasionally, maybe once a month or every other month, while the kids are at school? Then you will have some dedicated time to yourself to do whatever you'd like, have lunch with a friend, catch a nap, go shopping/movies, etc.

I would also suggest that when you leave for somewhere (grocery store, etc) it's none of their business where you are going or why. Treat it very matter of factly, you are leaving, will be back in 2 hours, love them and goodbye. And just leave -- no extended farewells, put your coat on and go... Sort of how they tell parents in preschool -- the quicker goodbye is best, trust us the minute you leave the crying stops pretty quickly.

Good luck, hope things will improve soon.

[Green_Tea]

What do think about taking a day off occasionally, maybe once a month or every other month, while the kids are at school? Then you will have some dedicated time to yourself to do whatever you'd like, have lunch with a friend, catch a nap, go shopping/movies, etc.

I would also suggest that when you leave for somewhere (grocery store, etc) it's none of their business where you are going or why. Treat it very matter of factly, you are leaving, will be back in 2 hours, love them and goodbye. And just leave -- no extended farewells, put your coat on and go... Sort of how they tell parents in preschool -- the quicker goodbye is best, trust us the minute you leave the crying stops pretty quickly.

Good luck, hope things will improve soon.

I wish I could take the occasional day off for myself, but that's really not an option for teachers.

As for leaving and not telling them where I am going, that's a totally acceptable tactic for preschoolers (and one I frequently employed!), but I really can't imagine it flying with an 8.5 and 10 year old. I actually think it would make them lose their minds with worry. DD1, especially, is a kid who gets upset if I have a headache and have to take Advil. It would create much more drama than it it's worth!

[wolverine2]

I hear you, and I work in a school too, but I'm not a teacher so I have less at-home work. It's really hard to fit everything in. My kids hate it when I go out, whether they are with DH or a babysitter, but we do it anyway- not enough, but enough that it's not that unusual for the kids.

I don't work in the summer, so I spend more time w/ them then, but it's honestly a hard transition every June, while we get used to being around each other all the time, and every September, when I go back to work.

I try to go to the gym at 6am and get ready for school at the gym- that's some me time.

[pinay]

I'm a teacher too, but I have been doing the juggling act since I finished maternity leave for DD1. She's almost 6 now, and she completely understands that I have to do things for school sometimes when I'm at home. I try not to bring work home but that isn't always possible. I've found that she likes to "help" me when she can- she likes to hand me notebooks, or stack papers, that sort of thing. I tell her stories about my students sometimes, or that I talked about her in class today, and that also seems to help. She knows that we get to spend vacation time together and that we are really lucky to get that time, so it makes it a lot easier in that regard. I still have a hard time fitting in friends, but I certainly make an effort even if DD1 is upset about it. She's getting used to the idea that the world doesn't revolve around her, especially now that DD2 is here and we have to do things around her schedule too.

Your kids will definitely adjust, it will just take time. I know that doesn't mke it any easier, but there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

[turtle12]

I wish I could take the occasional day off for myself, but that's really not an option for teachers.

Oops sorry I should have read your original spot more closely!

[cilantromapuche]

I second Beth's idea of putting kids in camp. They need the energy spent and it gives me some time during the breaks before we all go back to work. I think it is important the DC see that we have friends and nurture that, as well as relationships.
Our local college does a tennis camp that is from 9-12 mon.-thurs. during breaks. It is great.

[wolverine2]

I second Beth's idea of putting kids in camp. They need the energy spent and it gives me some time during the breaks before we all go back to work. I think it is important the DC see that we have friends and nurture that, as well as relationships.
Our local college does a tennis camp that is from 9-12 mon.-thurs. during breaks. It is great.

I do put my kids in day camp for 3 weeks out of our 10 week summer. I consider that my yearly "mommy time." It allows me to get stuff done in the house at least once a year. :)

[arivecchi]

:hug: Your kids are still adjusting and they are old enough to be pretty vocal. Here's what I do to recharge in case any of it is helpful:

Get up at 5 am to work out.
We hire twin sitters once a week so DH and i can go out (the kids love our sitters so they look forward to it as well).
We invite friends with kids for dinner/movies so the kids can hang out while the parents enjoy some adult time.
DH stays home with the boys on weekends so I can go shopping or hang out with friends.
Watch a good show with DH at night.

I think your kids will eventually get used to it once they know it's not really an option for you not to work. Can you plan playdates or hire a sitter they love so you can go out without the guilt trip? Distraction may still work at that age perhaps?

[Green_Tea]

Thanks everyone. We do have a sitter they like, and DH is great about giving me time on my own, but the girls just HATE when I leave, no matter how fun the sitter or DH is. I know it's something they just need to adjust to, but it's HARD. There's no easy way to explain to a 10 year old why you sometimes will chose to have dinner with friends rather than watch endless episodes of Jesse and Cupcake Wars with them. There's not an explanation that satisfies them.

For people who suggested camps in the summer - I LOVE that idea. My question for you is this: would you send your kids even if they resisted? My DDs have never been happy at a day camp (it's usually starts out OK, but by day 3 they are begging and pleading not to go), and had a disappointing overnight camp experience last year. I REALLY wish they'd try another overnight camp, because I know they'd love the right one, but when camp - any camp - comes up, they reiterate their complete opposition to going.

The funny thing is that my kids are NOT clingy or shy or socially awkward. They are super independent and well adjusted, will happily sleep over at friends' houses, go on playdates, and are generally extroverts. They are not shy around new people or adults. Before I started working they happily waved goodbye to me when I flew cross country to visit a friend, and never had a problem with me going out. I knew that going back to work would be an adjustment, I just didn't anticipate that my kids would still be this unhappy 6 months into it, and asking me to stop working.

[dogmom]

Some day camps offer a daily rate and you can enroll for just 3 days or so, but not all. I only work 3 12 hour shifts, so some weeks I will take the kids out of camp for one day to do something fun (Wed or Thursday) and let them go back for the Friday activities most day camps have. And yes, I do make them go. I feel bad, but my DH helps me get a spine. I'm reminded of the female comedian that said something like: If you kids had a choice between you deliriously happy and in Hawaii or on the verge of suicide in the next room they will always pick in the next room. Also, with the older girl I think you can start having the conversation soon about financial stability and working. There are lost of cautionary tales about woman who were completely dependent on a male for their financial stability. I think it helps to think of what would you want for your daughters if they were in your situation? You are their primary role model, so even if they whine now, it is important in the long run. Likewise, it's a good role for you son to see. I know my life is a lot easier that my DH had a single mother who worked, there are a whole bunch of things he does not expect me to do for him.

[egoldber]

I guess I've never presented camp as optional. :o It's always been, "OK, these are your choices, which ones do you want to do." Especially for the 8 and 10 year old, there are really amazing options available.

What do they love to do? Swimming, drama, tennis, golf, chess, soccer,.... There's a camp for everything.

We are fortunate because the place they do most camps is the same place that older DD went to preschool, younger DD went to for preschool and then full day care, they now both go to for after care. So it is very familiar and comfortable for both of them to be there. Plus it is really fun and well run.

I think part of the key is finding a place that is well run and that can be hard. Many camps are pretty Lord of the Flies-esqe where it's a free for all. Some kids like this, but some kids hate it.

[bigsis]

Your need for downtime and fun is valid and real. You absolutely need that time, so don't feel bad about it.

ITA. Your kids will squeeze guilt from you as much as they can. Yes, they need you, but you need time for yourself too. I think when they give you the guilt trip, you get off the phone/leave as soon as it happens so they know you will not allow it.

[hillview]

camp is not optional for us. They get to pick a week a summer they spend with grandma and grandpa and then we go to the cape for a month (I work during this time but have some flexibility) they are in camp for ~ 6 weeks.

[wolverine2]

My kids whine and moan about going to camp, but I can tell at the end of the day that they've had a good time. I let them have some input into where they go. Maybe it's just a matter of finding the right camp?

[Simon]

I think of new jobs as being like new siblings. Kids don't have any input or choice, it impacts their life in complicated ways, and they often have emotions they can't even identify yet alone explain to us so it comes out as whining.

I wouldn't send unwilling kids to an overnight camp at those ages. Day camp yes and middle and high school, sure. Do you have 1/2 day options for day camp? Ds1 did lots of 1/2 day camps sometimes extended into lunch, sometimes not. It worked well for him (got him excited without the whining about missing me) and it worked for me because he was asking to stay the whole day by the end of the summer.

Maybe try and get each Dd alone and talk with her about what she misses most. Make them focus on that vs. endless general venting and then either just let them express their sadness and offer hugs without trying to convince them its okay or else brainstorm ways to find a replacement.

I wonder if they were you expecting to have a semester off after student teaching? Perhaps they thought it was just the fall and then life would get easier in the winter.

Could Dh help the girls transition by having them leave you first? Its an old toddler trick but its often easier for kids to leave vs. being left. So even if he just rounds them up out of the kitchen and takes them into another room for X activity (or outside, etc) before you leave the house on errands, they may find it easier. I also think, at that age, its perfectly okay for you to sneak out and skip the goodbyes if they cause lots of drama. These aren't babies/toddlers who can't understand the situation so I don't see any reason not to bypass the rough spots when possible.

[niccig]

For people who suggested camps in the summer - I LOVE that idea. My question for you is this: would you send your kids even if they resisted? My DDs have never been happy at a day camp (it's usually starts out OK, but by day 3 they are begging and pleading not to go), and had a disappointing overnight camp experience last year. I REALLY wish they'd try another overnight camp, because I know they'd love the right one, but when camp - any camp - comes up, they reiterate their complete opposition to going.


Do you need camp all summer or just certain times? Surely as you need to get your classroom ready, you'll need to go into school.

DS has to do camp the last 2 weeks of his summer as I start classes before he does. We talked about options and I told him if we didn't get his first choice, he'll have to do a different camp. There are another 2x 1 week camps that he wants to do, and we'll try to do them. I don't need him in those 2 extra camps, but he wants to do them so I'll try to make it work (and schedule some things those weeks for me!) We'll also have several weeks of him at home with me or visiting family.

DS has complained for the camp when it was 6 weeks 3x week. He had no choice but to go as I was in a summer class so not at home.

I would look at your summer and work out when you need the girls in camp and then see what options you have. Some camps are 9-3, some are 9-12 or you can go 2 or 3 days a week. And they don't have a choice, as you will not be at home. It's like school, you have to go.