"sexy" among kindergarteners, really? WWYD?

[dcmom2b3]

Last night DD asked me what "sexy" meant. I countered by asking her where she'd heard the word. She told me that X told her she was "sexy." (X is the same boy who nicknamed DD "new treasure" when she started at this school last fall. So he's already on my watch list. Joking. Sort of.)

I told her that the word was an expression of appreciation for her in some way, but (i) that it wasn't appropriate for kids her age to use and (ii) we'd talk about its meaning in more detail as she gets older.

My thought is that this is a kinder-crush on his part and he may be using words that he's heard but doesn't fully understand. On the other hand, I don't want DD to be branded the "sexy" girl from now 'til 12th grade -- these kids are a cohort that will be together until senior year and I worry about peers' perceptions promoting her choices later down the line, etc. etc. Already she's gained a fervent interest in makeup, fashion, and femininity this school year. That's another post.

Is there anything else I should be doing?

I know I'm overthinking this. I have to. As a single mom I have to get out in front of things before they start to go badly, since I can't count on having the resources to deal with them when a "problem" pops up.

ETA: I grew up pretty sheltered and socially conservative and a racial minority in my community. My only hook was my brain. That's all that anyone ever acknowledged me for until I got to college. In other words, I was uber nerd. Maybe the girl is just destined to be the prom queen/stealth Fullbright fellow and I need to get over it? Learn to cope with it?

Any thoughts, insight, or just commiseration would be appreciated.

[AnnieW625]

I would have given my dd the same explanation you did. Kids hear so much stuff on TV and on the radio so he was probably inspired by that.

I have no other advice really in regards to the k-12 education challenges but like any school kids will come and go thoughout the years. I also think it is safe to say that this kid will most likely grow up soon and by the first grade he will want very little to do with the girls in his class.

[buddyleebaby]

DD2 (also in kindy) asked me what "sexy" meant and I told her that it is a way for an adult to tell another adult that he/she thinks they are attractive but that is a word ONLY used to describe grown-ups and that kids can not be sexy. Kids are pretty or handsome.

I told her that some kids may know the word from songs but it's not appropriate to use in conversation if you are under the age of 18 :rotflmao:and she accepted that response.

[Twoboos]

One boy in another class (which DD2's 2nd grade class interacts with often) was telling the girls they were hot and sexy. Once he started using this language on DD2, she didn't like it, and I went straight to the teacher. She was HORRIFIED and shut it down immediately. Once the teacher talked to the class, DD told me she and a friend were so relieved that this talk wouldn't be happening anymore. I knew it was bugging her but I underestimated how much, and I felt badly for not acting on it sooner.

If it happens again I told DD she should tell the boy she doesn't like that kind of talking and go to me or the teacher asap.

So, that's a long way of saying I would talk to the teacher. If it's bugging your daughter, it's probably bothering other kids, too.

As you said, it's probably using a word they have heard and don't understand, or they have older siblings talking like this.

[Katigre]

I bet the kids heard it in a song.

Sent from my Android phone using Swift Key Flow (http://www.swiftkey.net/flow/)

[reneed]

Gangnam Style is the song where my son and his K classmates heard it. He says "hey sexy lady...." The song is now banned in his K class Lol

[hellokitty]

The kids probably don't understand what it really means. Ds2 came home from kindergarten telling us that some of the girls told him he was sexy. He had no clue what it meant. I said it was a way to describe how some ppl feel about others, but should only be used among adults.

[o_mom]

Gangnam Style is the song where my son and his K classmates heard it. He says "hey sexy lady...."

:yeahthat:

I finally downloaded the KidzBop version which just says "Hey, hey lady" and played it for like 48 hours straight until the new lyrics were burned into their little brains. :tongue5:

I like Alicia's explanation - that it's only used to describe grownups.

[Kindra178]

Gangnam Style is the song where my son and his K classmates heard it. He says "hey sexy lady...." The song is now banned in his K class Lol

Sexy and I know it and Gangnam Style brought that word to the forefront in our house.

[MamaMolly]

I had a BP about 'I'm sexy and I know it' a while ago. And Lula is in Kinder. And I also tend to over think these things, I think because I grew up in the Bible belt with very strict social lines between 'good' girls and 'bad' girls and a very puritanical view of sex in general.

I have no idea how to raise daughters with a healthy outlook towards sex, though I have a very strong desire to do so!!

[KpbS]

Gangnam Style is the song where my son and his K classmates heard it. He says "hey sexy lady...." The song is now banned in his K class Lol

Yes, and this is why my kids don't listen to pop music.

[gatorsmom]

My first grader asked that recently. I told him that "sexy" was a way to say that someone looked nice. But I also told I'm it's not a very good word to use and he should use other words instead. Hs teacher won't allow the word to be used in the classroom and won't allow kids to say it, although they don't get punished if they do. She just corrects them with a more specific adjective.

When we talked about it at home, all my kids seemed fine with not repeating it. They seem to understand that it's just not a word we use like swear words or "that sucks".

[edurnemk]

Yes, and this is why my kids don't listen to pop music.

Neither do mine, but even so I've heard DS singing songs that I deem inappropriate. I asked where he heard them, and he says his friends sing them. Sadly, there's only so much we can control in their lives.

[jent]

Gangnam Style is the song where my son and his K classmates heard it.

This is where DD heard it too...


DD2 (also in kindy) asked me what "sexy" meant and I told her that it is a way for an adult to tell another adult that he/she thinks they are attractive but that is a word ONLY used to describe grown-ups and that kids can not be sexy. Kids are pretty or handsome.

I told her that some kids may know the word from songs but it's not appropriate to use in conversation if you are under the age of 18 :rotflmao:and she accepted that response.

And that's exactly what I told her.


:yeahthat:

I finally downloaded the KidzBop version which just says "Hey, hey lady" and played it for like 48 hours straight until the new lyrics were burned into their little brains. :tongue5:


Genius. I'm going to download that.

I have to admit, I've let DD listen to the real thing-- we play it and jump around like crazy dancing like the guy in the video. Good times. So I could possibly be responsible for the promotion of that song in the K class. :bag Though DD learned it from her friend who has a sister in middle school.

[o_mom]

.

I have to admit, I've let DD listen to the real thing-- we play it and jump around like crazy dancing like the guy in the video. Good times. So I could possibly be responsible for the promotion of that song in the K class. :bag Though DD learned it from her friend who has a sister in middle school.

Mine heard it (and Sexy and I know it) on the bus from a fourth grader. It's catchy and it's everywhere. There are worse ones out there.

Really, though, they have a ton of older cousins, kids on the bus up to grade 5 (so 10-11 yos) and they are going to hear stuff. The older two understand not to repeat everything they hear, but the kindergartner doesn't get it. Unfortunately, 'sexy' is the least of our worries here. :bag

[niccig]

Sexy and I know it and Gangnam Style brought that word to the forefront in our house.

:yeahthat: DS didn't know what it meant and never used it, thankfully. I just explained it to him by saying it means pretty but it's an adult word and not a word for an 8 yo to use.

He's heard swear words thanks to me :bag but I got lucky with him that if you say to not used a word, he doesn't use it.

[brittone2]

:yeahthat: DS didn't know what it meant and never used it, thankfully. I just explained it to him by saying it means pretty but it's an adult word and not a word for an 8 yo to use.

He's heard swear words thanks to me :bag but I got lucky with him that if you say to not used a word, he doesn't use it.
In our house, the rule is you can say those words once you pay taxes. :bag It has worked quite well so far.

[MamaMolly]

In our house, the rule is you can say those words once you pay taxes. :bag It has worked quite well so far.

Hmmm. Dolly would owe the government a LOT of money in that case. :bag She might have heard me say d@mn!t a time or two and it just might be her very favorite thing to say when frustrated.

[reneed]

In our house, the rule is you can say those words once you pay taxes. :bag It has worked quite well so far.

I'm dying laughing. If DS uses a word he shouldn't and then says well so and so said it my response is always that he can use whatever word he wants to in his house where he pays the mortgage and taxes. Love it.

[chozen]

Yes, and this is why my kids don't listen to pop music.

:yeahthat::yeahthat:

[wellyes]

I think you handled it just fine. Vague definition plus warning of inappropriateness.

I think it's often an older sibling more than a parent who exposes kids to these kinds of words or references ( unintentionally).

[sophiesmom03]

I wonder how the kid's dad/brothers/male role models talk about women. He has to be getting it somewhere?

[lalasmama]

:bag I introduced DD to the word "sexy." Not on puropose though! She asked me why I don't like Tinkerbell in our house. I told her that I think Tink needs to dress less sexily, and, of course, DD asked what it meant. She was in 2nd grade, I think, maybe 1st. I think I said something to the effect of, "Grownups have feelings that make them want to have babies, and those feelings often happen when someone doesn't have enough clothes on. And Tinkerbell goes running around in her tiny little dress, which isn't a good idea unless you are ready and old enough to have babies, and then, it's only okay to dress like that at home." Now she tells me when someone needs to cover up because "they aren't old enough for babies!"

We went to Disneyland this year (well, LOL, this week, just got back a few hours ago), and I bought DD a Tink halloween costume to wear while we were there. You better believe she had a long-sleeve tshirt and leggings on undernieth! LOL... She was just so excited to "be" Tinkerbell, she would have likely concented to wearing a burlap sack over the outfit! (We don't celebrate halloween, so dressing up and going out somewhere like that is about the coolest thing in her little 8-year-old world.)

[wifecat]

I accidentally introduced dd to the word sexy. She's 3. I got some boots last winter (so, um, she was 2) and dh was checking out my legs in them. I said, "I know, right? They're sexy boots!" And that was it. Nothing else was ever said.

Fast forward a couple month to dh's parents visiting us. We went to leave the house, I put on my boots, and dd says, "Oooh, Mama's sexy boots!" It was funny and embarrassing all at once.

She had no idea what that descriptor meant, and I'm guessing most littles don't - they hear it and want to apply it, just like hearing orange or cute or friendly.

I think you handled the situation really well.

[sewarsh]

What about that song that was out about 6-12 months ago..
"I'm sexy and I know it..."
Can't remember who sings it but 1st grader DD thought it said "I'm 60 and I know it...."
I just let her sing it that way. :)

In your instance, I think you handled it perfectly with your DD. I would also talk to the teacher - make sure she's/he's aware.

[o_mom]

I wonder how the kid's dad/brothers/male role models talk about women. He has to be getting it somewhere?

It could be the bus, the playground, a TV commercial or any number of places. It's a huge assumption that it's coming from home. All it takes is hearing it once.

[ang79]

Yes, and this is why my kids don't listen to pop music.

My daughter's K-3rd school had a PTO sponsored Halloween party on a Friday evening for the whole family to attend. So I took my 4 yr. old and 6 yr. old and they were all excited to dance (there was a DJ that the school had used before). I was a bit appalled when I heard "Hey Sexy Lady" (I hadn't heard Gangam Style before that) and that a lot of the kids were singing right along. Thankfully my kids are more interested in listening to their princess music or kids praise songs from church, so pop music and the radio have not even entered their radar yet (they call anything not sung by kids mommy and daddy music!). DD1 does come home and starts to tell me about the "disgusting words" that some of the 2nd and 3rd grade boys on her bus use, but so far they've only been potty words, nothing worse thank goodness!

[sophiesmom03]

It could be the bus, the playground, a TV commercial or any number of places. It's a huge assumption that it's coming from home. All it takes is hearing it once.

It's the combination of the 2 comments from the same kid. I did say male role models - those don't have to be home.

[o_mom]

It's the combination of the 2 comments from the same kid. I did say male role models - those don't have to be home.

It's still a judgement about who the parents set up as role-models (and who says it has to be male role-models saying these things?). My point is, that it may have nothing at all to do with how the child is parented.

[dogmom]

I'm a little uncomfortable about the judgement in some of the posts. I mean, are we bad parents if my DH calls me sexy when I dress up to go out? Who knows where a kid picked up on a word, or how it was used. I think one needs to put it into a bigger context. How else does the the boy behave towards your DD? I feel like we are in this weird place where we are not allowed to acknowledge any sexuality in children and at the same time have it saturated in our culture. It just seems like an all or nothing thing to me. Exactly when am I supposed to start modeling what I want for my DD for sexuality? Anything else we model from an infant, how to be good person, do the right thing, share, etc. But am I really supposed to wait until they are using tampons before I start to model what I think is appropriate? I've already had multiple discussions with my 10 yo son, much to his displeasure, about stupid ideas he might get as a boy once he starts puberty. I don't want him in middle school in 3 years getting faced with internet porn or sexting from someone in school, or someone's older sibling, and have no idea what it is or have thought about what to do about it.

I guess my response when my DD brings things up is sexy is how you describe a grown up woman, not a little girl. Because little girls are not meant to have sex, no matter what some adult says. Seems pretty straight forward to me.

[BunnyBee]

I agree, dogmom! DH has been known to call me sexy occasionally, and the word is *everywhere*! That "Gangnam Style" song was all over. A kid knowing the word doesn't mean he and his family are a bunch of perverts.

If the child is told that the word isn't appropriate and makes your child uncomfortable and he continues to use it, then there's a problem. Otherwise I'd just give the teacher a heads up and tell my daughter it's a grown up word meaning attractive, but it's only used for people who are old enough to have babies. That's how we defined it for our kids when they asked.

[daisysmom]

I am clearly in the minority that I don't have a problem with my kindergartener and the 6 other girls in her class do the "hey sexy lady" dance where they leap sideways and act like they are swinging a lasso. If she referrred to herself as sexy or someone called her sexy, I would say it was inappropriate. But I guess I think that sexy has a much broader meaning than "wanting to have sex". I think it means attractive in a grown up way. I guess I don't think it is wrong to say - and our school kinder teachers haven't quelched the dancing and singing of that song.

When my DD turned 3, my FIL got her a barbie that my husband and I tried to put away as we immediately termed it "Slutty barbie". No princess dress - just short shorts, a tight t-shirt, suspenders, and lace up midthigh boots. It wasn't what I wanted my daughter's first introduction to barbies to be. But she stuck around, and DD has laughingly called her slutty barbie manytimes.

I know that we have to worry and be mindful of our kids using this knowledge to insult someone else (such as, by saying another child looks slutty). But at least in our social environment, kids see and hear things. All the kids in her class watched the superbowl commercials... they see the news that has phrases like "sexual abuse" on it. I just think it is very hard to keep this knowledge from a 6 year old without confusing them more. Understand that I am in the minority here on this though, just wanted to get that out.

[sophiesmom03]

It's still a judgement about who the parents set up as role-models (and who says it has to be male role-models saying these things?). My point is, that it may have nothing at all to do with how the child is parented.


I think you are reading into what I am saying. I'm not judging anyone by saying he could have heard it at home. I didn't say that's a bad thing, I'm saying he could be modeling on what he's heard. I don't think the kid meant anything bad by it, and even if the context is in his home, it does not mean it was not said in a loving way.

No judgement from me, I don't know about you in how you're reading me. :)

[sophiesmom03]

I agree, dogmom! DH has been known to call me sexy occasionally, and the word is *everywhere*! That "Gangnam Style" song was all over. A kid knowing the word doesn't mean he and his family are a bunch of perverts.


Are you referring to what I said?

Again, to be clear, I never, ever made any sort of judgement or name calling (as you did, above) on this kid's family. I just said maybe he heard it at home - and you just made that a possibility by saying your DH calls you sexy sometimes - he could have heard the word at home.

[BunnyBee]

Are you referring to what I said?

Again, to be clear, I never, ever made any sort of judgement or name calling (as you did, above) on this kid's family. I just said maybe he heard it at home - and you just made that a possibility by saying your DH calls you sexy sometimes - he could have heard the word at home.

I call DH sexy sometimes as well. "Hey, sexy, come take out the trash!" :) So it could be from moms/sisters/female role models. I wasn't specifically replying to your post, but now having gone back to read it, it does *sound* like you're making negative assumptions about 1) where the kid heard the word and 2) the men the kid is around, which are big leaps from a one-off comment of a word that is very much a part of the current vernacular. The sentence you wrote does not come across value-neutral, but again, I wasn't replying to you and it's not my kid so I don't really care! :)

[LizLemon]

I agree, dogmom! DH has been known to call me sexy occasionally, and the word is *everywhere*! That "Gangnam Style" song was all over. A kid knowing the word doesn't mean he and his family are a bunch of perverts.

If the child is told that the word isn't appropriate and makes your child uncomfortable and he continues to use it, then there's a problem. Otherwise I'd just give the teacher a heads up and tell my daughter it's a grown up word meaning attractive, but it's only used for people who are old enough to have babies. That's how we defined it for our kids when they asked.
Unfortunately that's becoming an increasing number of 9- and 10-year-old girls with the age of puberty dropping lower and lower. I think there is a wholesale early sexualization of kids, particularly girls, that starts with the the media level but also is reflected in things such as fashion trends. Absolutely no judgment here, but it makes me sad to think of my daughter potentially calling things 'slutty' as a preschooler or doing a sexy dance when she is in kindergarten. And that's not a reflection of anyone as a parent, just how much things have changed so quickly. It seems like kids should have some times to be kids - playing outside, not acting like seniors in high school. And they will have time to learn about sexuality - I think arguably be better able to do so if these concepts aren't better foisted upon them too early.

[Twoboos]

Just wanted to add something to my previous response (essentially, go to the teacher and shut it down).

I know the word sexy is out there, and the kids will hear it and probably use it. My kids learned "I'm Sexy and I Know It" and sang it loud and proud when M-n-M's used it in a commercial. :rolleye0014: My kids asked what it means and I said it's an adult way to say pretty, and it's not for children to use.

However, IMO if it's being directed at your daughter, and she is uncomfortable with it, it needs to stop. If the kid called her fat or ugly, you'd put an end to it. Those words are out there too, and just as inappropriate to call someone.

[egoldber]

:yeahthat:

Even though the word is out there, if it's becoming an issue in the OP's DD's classroom as a way for some kids to make other uncomfortable, the teacher should know about it and shut it down.