confession

[lmh2402]

not even sure how to start this or what i'm seeking...

my personality has always been fearful. fearful of the unknown. petrified of failure. i feel like i've lived every moment of every day squeaking by, not sure how i wasn't found out to be the total fraud i secretly know i am. does that make sense?

with work. with relationships.

and now, most significantly, with motherhood

i've posted here so many times over about the struggles we've faced with DS. and always in my mind i'm wondering if i've imagined things to be worse than they really are. maybe others would think everything is normal and fine. but i just can't hack it.

and when planning for having a second, i had pretty much a year long panic attack at the thought of trying to take care of two kids.

why? who knows why. most of the world has more than one kid, right? yet i was...am...convinced that i will just never be good at it b/c i'm just so tired all the time. and everything feels hard. and i get so frustrated and angry.

so then i got pregnant and with all of DS' appts for therapy, etc, we decided to get an au pair. that way there would be continuity for him through the newborn days and months, and he wouldn't miss appts or miss classes, etc.

fast-forward and DD is now 7 months old. our au pair has been a god send.

but she has also been a major crutch for me. i mean, i guess that was the point, right? but truly, i cannot imagine being totally on my own for days on end.

she was supposed to leave in May, but she has recently - like two days ago - said she would like to extend another six months.

i think we're going to extend. but i'm feeling shamed at the thought of the absolute panic i feel whenever i think of what will happen when she's gone

it's like i'm afraid of my children

afraid to be "stuck" with them

please don't flame me. you can't imagine how hard this is for me to type. i don't even really know why i'm typing it. i just feel like i need to confess.

i'm certain that i will never be as good a mother as they deserve.

seriously.

my temper is short. i get caught up in the little things. i put pressure on myself for things that are not important, and i KNOW i've already been doing this a lot...way too much...to DS.

i've had more than one person tell me - without realizing how it hits me in the gut - "wow, he really looks to you for approval constantly. it's like he's always trying so hard to please you."

i feel like i'm raising him to be as miserable as i was...am...

and i'm afraid to be alone with them. like i can't even imagine having enough mental energy to just...get through it all. the craziness of each and every morning. the massive hysteria over god-knows-what. the weird, obsessive, totally non-functional fixations. on my own.

how awful. to be too tired, too overwhelmed, too lazy... too focused on the wrong things...like having time to prepare all the "right" meals, or organize the closest, or some other not-life-threatening chore. i watch the clock each day for when the au pair will be on duty so i will have a "break." a chance to run to the grocery without the baby, to pick up DS but not have to wake DD from a nap, to take DD to a doc appt but not have to drag DS with me

basically, i use her to co-parent so...even though DD is a little over seven months old...i've really still only been taking care of one child at a time more of the time. one of us focuses on the needs of DS, and one of us focuses on the needs of DD

so now i think we will have her here until Nov. and then i'll take a deep breath and step into the role i'm supposed to have...as their mother...to both of them...to focus on both of them at the same time and still meet both their needs b/c that's what people do. and they all do it without the pathetic crutch of live-in help.

and what if i can't do it? what happens if i just can't do it? and my cover is blown for real...

is any of this relate-able? i don't know what's wrong with me. so many people manage so much more and they do it without all this pathetic whining and weird, crazy stream-of-consciousness dialogue on a parenting board. they just do it. b/c they can and it's their job.

[KpbS]

not even sure how to start this or what i'm seeking...

my personality has always been fearful. fearful of the unknown. petrified of failure. i feel like i've lived every moment of every day squeaking by, not sure how i wasn't found out to be the total fraud i secretly know i am. does that make sense?

with work. with relationships.

and now, most significantly, with motherhood

i've posted here so many times over about the struggles we've faced with DS. and always in my mind i'm wondering if i've imagined things to be worse than they really are. maybe others would think everything is normal and fine. but i just can't hack it.

and when planning for having a second, i had pretty much a year long panic attack at the thought of trying to take care of two kids.

why? who knows why. most of the world has more than one kid, right? yet i was...am...convinced that i will just never be good at it b/c i'm just so tired all the time. and everything feels hard. and i get so frustrated and angry.

so then i got pregnant and with all of DS' appts for therapy, etc, we decided to get an au pair. that way there would be continuity for him through the newborn days and months, and he wouldn't miss appts or miss classes, etc.

fast-forward and DD is now 7 months old. our au pair has been a god send.

but she has also been a major crutch for me. i mean, i guess that was the point, right? but truly, i cannot imagine being totally on my own for days on end.

she was supposed to leave in May, but she has recently - like two days ago - said she would like to extend another six months.

i think we're going to extend. but i'm feeling shamed at the thought of the absolute panic i feel whenever i think of what will happen when she's gone

it's like i'm afraid of my children

afraid to be "stuck" with them

please don't flame me. you can't imagine how hard this is for me to type. i don't even really know why i'm typing it. i just feel like i need to confess.

i'm certain that i will never be as good a mother as they deserve.

seriously.

my temper is short. i get caught up in the little things. i put pressure on myself for things that are not important, and i KNOW i've already been doing this a lot...way too much...to DS.

i've had more than one person tell me - without realizing how it hits me in the gut - "wow, he really looks to you for approval constantly. it's like he's always trying so hard to please you."

i feel like i'm raising him to be as miserable as i was...am...

and i'm afraid to be alone with them. like i can't even imagine having enough mental energy to just...get through it all. the craziness of each and every morning. the massive hysteria over god-knows-what. the weird, obsessive, totally non-functional fixations. on my own.

how awful. to be too tired, too overwhelmed, too lazy... too focused on the wrong things...like having time to prepare all the "right" meals, or organize the closest, or some other not-life-threatening chore. i watch the clock each day for when the au pair will be on duty so i will have a "break." a chance to run to the grocery without the baby, to pick up DS but not have to wake DD from a nap, to take DD to a doc appt but not have to drag DS with me

basically, i use her to co-parent so...even though DD is a little over seven months old...i've really still only been taking care of one child at a time more of the time. one of us focuses on the needs of DS, and one of us focuses on the needs of DD

so now i think we will have her here until Nov. and then i'll take a deep breath and step into the role i'm supposed to have...as their mother...to both of them...to focus on both of them at the same time and still meet both their needs b/c that's what people do. and they all do it without the pathetic crutch of live-in help.

and what if i can't do it? what happens if i just can't do it? and my cover is blown for real...

is any of this relate-able? i don't know what's wrong with me. so many people manage so much more and they do it without all this pathetic whining and weird, crazy stream-of-consciousness dialogue on a parenting board. they just do it. b/c they can and it's their job.

First of all, hugs! Big, huge hugs! What you have typed to a LOT of guts to write. :hug: :hug: :hug:

To me, the layman, what you are describing is anxiety--serious, life altering anxiety. Have you ever found someone you feel comfortable reaching out to--a therapist/counselor? If not, I would encourage you to make that call tomorrow, asap!

[BayGirl2]

What you posted is SO relatable to me. And I am a very competent, confident, professional person. But it took me a long time to feel comfortable being alone with 2 kids and I still find myself just mentally numbed if I have to be a full time parent for an extended amount of time. I'm sure there are parents here who find it totally natural and love the role, and they'll think I am crazy/selfish/lazy/whatever, but that doesn't really matter to me. I will continue to have a team of qualified professionals help me raise my kids because they are more skilled and tolerant than I am with small children. I don't think that at all makes me a bad parent, rather a better one because I know my strengths and find compensation for my weaknesses. But I often feel like you do.

I don't think I have level of anxiety about it that you do though. I agree with PP that it sounds like you are feeling a very high level of stress and anxiety and that's making the usual challenges of parenting even harder for you. Talking to someone about it may help you figure out if there's an underlying cause for your feelings.

[SnuggleBuggles]

A lot of times, one of the perks of having a 2nd is being much more relaxed and chill. I think that your standards and expectations might be too high. Lots of us are just getting by and are happy that our kids are fed even though we know we could do better with the quality of said meal. :) I know it can be really hard to let some of it go, especially if you deal with something far more complex issue like anxiety. Truly though, lots of us fake a lot. The good thing is when you find good friends and can open up and find that you aren't alone at all. The worst is sitting there assuming that everyone has their stuff together and then putting on a front that you do too. If you don't have any mom friends that you can share a glass of wine with and admit the challenges, I highly recommend it. It really does help. ((((((hugs))))))

[lcarlson90]

First of all...hugs. :hug: Your post resonates with me because I feel this way much of the time as well. I never had a nanny but DH has always been a really involved parent. I feel like I am okay when both of us are home and with the boys but whenever he has to travel or is gone for a full weekend day I cringe. Just the thought of being alone with the kids all day long produces a lot of anxiety for me. I too feel tired and like my fuse is short all the time. I think I may have some depression/anxiety issues and maybe that's the cause...I have been thinking of talking to a therapist.

[niccig]

First, :hug: and more :hug:

No one has it all together. No one. You may think other people do, but they do not. We're all human, no one is perfect.

I would also remind you that you've had a VERY tough year and your DH isn't available to help. I would totally be relying on the au pair as well. So cut yourself some slack on that one.

I agree with the other posters that you sound very anxious about being the best mom. You just need to be their mom and be there. I would go talk to someone about your fears, so you can work through it.

ETA..oh and if anyone does tell you they've got it all together..they're either full of it, or not being honest.

[anonomom]

First things first: :hug: You are so not alone. When I worked, my friends and I (beautiful, smart accomplished women) used to marvel at how each and every one of us felt like we were imposters and were secretly terrified we'd be found out. I think everyone feels that way a lot of the time, some people are just better at hiding/denying it.

Second, what you are describing sounds a lot like a possible post-partum hormone issue. At least, it's very similar to how I was feeling when DS was less than a year old (and in fact, I think it peaked at about 7-9 months). I talked myself out of getting help, but don't be like me. :wink2: Call your OB, maybe she can put you in touch with some resources. And if you can't do that (again, I couldn't), at least you can know that the worst will pass soon.

[karstmama]

agree with pp - you are not alone in your feelings, but i think with some help you could feel less anxious. i think most of us feel like we're faking this 'responsible adult' thing. YOU ARE THE BEST PARENT FOR YOUR KIDS! but that doesn't mean you have to *be* the 'best parent ever in the world' for them to love you and be able to fake the responsible adult thing themselves someday. all you have to aim for is meeting the minimums 80% of the time.

please reach out in real life to a therapist or counselor, and consider some anxiety meds if they think they might help. no need to run on the treadmill when you can walk on the beach & get the same stuff done, honey. hugs.

[egoldber]

convinced that i will just never be good at it b/c i'm just so tired all the time. and everything feels hard. and i get so frustrated and angry.

This sounds like depression to me. Based on your posts, you do also sound anxious, and depression and anxiety often go hand in hand.

I would urge you to find a professional to talk to. Not because your feelings of being overwhelmed by motherhood are not common, because they are! I think none of us is the ideal mother that we wish we could be. But you sound like you are in pain and unable to get out of the depressive/anxious mindset. People who are already depressed or anxious (even mildly) are more likely to experience PPD/PPA so it could definitely have a hormonal component as well.

[gatorsmom]

Oh, sweetie, you are not the only one who feels that way. And frankly, with all the challenges you have been presented with, I can understand why you feel this way. Heck, my first 2 kids were easy and I still watched the clock til the mother's helper came in the afternoon. I think given the circumstances, you have done an incredible job.

I know how you feel to a certain extent. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my 5yo son, Greenbean. I never know when he's going to just melt down and start throwing toys (or knives, rely just anything in front of him) or wrecking things right in front of me. It is totally exhausting. And I have found that the only time during the day when I can relax and let me guard down is when he is asleep. Or at school. Or really sick.

There is no right or wrong way to parent, despite what people like you to believe. Just keep finding ways to get through it- the au pair, Mom's day out meetings, the child care at the Ymca, A good therapist or any other ways you can keep your sanity. Recognize your shortcomings, accept them, and find ways to survive. Given the hand you were dealt, I think you are doing a fantastic job. :hug:

[hillview]

First of all, hugs! Big, huge hugs! What you have typed to a LOT of guts to write. :hug: :hug: :hug:

To me, the layman, what you are describing is anxiety--serious, life altering anxiety. Have you ever found someone you feel comfortable reaching out to--a therapist/counselor? If not, I would encourage you to make that call tomorrow, asap!


This sounds like depression to me. Based on your posts, you do also sound anxious, and depression and anxiety often go hand in hand.

I would urge you to find a professional to talk to. Not because your feelings of being overwhelmed by motherhood are not common, because they are! I think none of us is the ideal mother that we wish we could be. But you sound like you are in pain and unable to get out of the depressive/anxious mindset. People who are already depressed or anxious (even mildly) are more likely to experience PPD/PPA so it could definitely have a hormonal component as well.

HUGS. I agree it sounds like something worth talking to a therapist about. I rely on my therapist every few months to keep me marginally sane. I think you should take this post you wrote up and share it with a professional. I am glad you posted here. I feel the way you described at times but if it is a regular/always thing you need a break. FWIW I am totally dependent on a LOT of help (my parents, a cleaning person etc) so don't feel bad about that! HUGS you have a lot on your plate.

[Carrots]

Hey there,
I just wanted to say what others have said: That you are not alone. In fact, I have also been ashamed to admit that I feel the same most of the time... and I see a therapist. I am glad you have a nanny and I don't think you are using her as a crutch. In fact, I think you were very smart to recognize that you needed help with two children. Do you need to let her go? I would hang on to her, and if you feel that you do need to let her go (or cut her time down), I wouldn't do it cold turkey, but ease your way into staying with both children.

Your post is very timely, since I am actually at my breaking point and MUST get help with my kids. I watch the clock until my DH comes home!!

:hug::hug::hug:

[nfowife]

I think you have anxiety that should be treated. See a therapist and consider meds. You can achieve the right balance to feel better. You should not have to be afraid all the time! Hugs.

[daisymommy]

Hugs! I'm so sorry. I absolutely agree with the others, what you are describing is called chronic anxiety. My husband has it, and has been on medication just to be able to live life relatively happy--for the last 10 years. That's hard to admit, but it's the truth. I urge you to seek professional help, so that you can enjoy your children and your life. It shouldn't have to feel that hard on a daily continual ongoing basis.

I would also say there is no shame at all in keeping your nanny around. We all need help, but most of us don't get it. You also have a challenging son with lots of therapy appointments and a baby to take care of. If you can afford the help, please keep it! I would!

It's too bad that as moms we feel like we have to hide behind a mask and put up a good front of having it all together. Because the honest truth is, the majority of us do not! Its safe to be real here :)


Sent from my iPad

[Philly Mom]

Hugs to you. You are definitely not alone. I also agree with the others that you should see someone. As for having help, in your position that is completely normal and should not make you feel badly. I have many friends in your position with DHs who are never home and even when they are home aren't really present. Certain careers are so high stress and so all consuming they affect the spouse as well (my DH had one). When many of these friends had second children they got mother's helpers for the witching hours from 5-8 to help with dinner and bedtime every weeknight. These friends all had relatively easy kids too, ie no special needs. I highly recommend that when your au pair leaves you consider a mother's helper for the witching hour at least until your LO is over 2.

[Gena]

First of all: Hugs :hug: You are a GREAT MOM!

Secondly: You are going through a lot with your kids. I'm natural to feel overwhelmed and frustrated.

Your DS is not neurotypical. Whether he eventually ends up with a diagnosis of Asperger's (or whatever term they switch to) or ADHD and anxiety or OCD or whatever, the fact remains that he is not neurotypical. Now, I'm not saying that he isn't a great, wonderful kid - I know he is. But he will always have additional challenges and you will always have to deal with things that parents of typically developing kids do not have to deal with. That can cause a lot of stress and confusion and even some guilt to the parents. In cases like your son's, where the diagnosis is uncertain, it can be even more stressful for parents because they it can feel like you don't really have any answers or that you are lacking a road map. Plus he is at an age that (although a lot of fun at times) can be really difficult developmentally.

On top of that, there has been some health concerns regarding your DD and what you had to go through with getting the CF testing would rattle anyone. I hope that you are close to getting things figured out with her issues.

So...you are really going through a lot and it sounds like you don't get much support from your DH. Be gentle with yourself. I think a support group for Moms of kids with special needs might help you a lot - especially one for Moms of kids with ASD or ADHD. Most groups won't care whether or not your son has an official diagnosis; in my group we certainly don't. We're all struggling with the same issues and we are there to help and support each other. It's something to think about.

Again, hugs. :hug:

[Mopey]

I cannot even tell you how many people helped raise me and my sister! And how much help I need now!!!!! I don't think there is any shame if you are not a perfect parent! I am happier with time away and am pissed at myself for feeling guilty and I am putting myself a bit first again. No one is the same, no one does it or handles it the same. Hang in there momma, and put yourself first as much as you can.

Btw, I don't know a single mom who does it alone, working or not. And I have two dear friends who worship their au pairs. My sister and I still talk, write with and email our Basque nanny who lives in Spain! Hell, once we outgrew her she got a job right by our school and we would go have Friday lunch with her every week!

IT TAKES A VILLAGE!! :D

[TwinFoxes]

This sounds like depression to me. Based on your posts, you do also sound anxious, and depression and anxiety often go hand in hand.

I would urge you to find a professional to talk to. Not because your feelings of being overwhelmed by motherhood are not common, because they are! I think none of us is the ideal mother that we wish we could be. But you sound like you are in pain and unable to get out of the depressive/anxious mindset. People who are already depressed or anxious (even mildly) are more likely to experience PPD/PPA so it could definitely have a hormonal component as well.

:yeahthat: I would encourage you to look into getting medication. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help. I know people who have really been helped by anti-anxiety meds. It doesn't have to be this hard. :hug: Or even just therapy might help, having someone to talk to.

[Blue Hydrangea]

:hug: :hug: and more :hug:

How very brave of you to write out what you've been feeling, and hopefully now you can see that you are not alone. Motherhood has stressful and overwhelming aspects for all of us, even those of us who are not dealing with the added difficulties of special needs.

What I noticed in your post is how debilitating your feelings are, and how they have been present ever since you can remember. What you've written shows very strong signs of both depression and anxiety, and if there could ever be a silver lining to what probably seems like insurmountable situation, both depression and anxiety are treatable with both counseling and medication. It's not failure or weakness. It's a medical condition.

Don't give up the au pair, or anything else that helps you manage your life. Please consider seeing a mental health counselor. With help, the cloud can lift.

[momm]

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting some help parenting. NOTHING.

My heart aches to read how hard you are being on yourself.

I take my hat off to people who "do it all" themselves, and alone, but that does not mean no one wishes to go to the grocery store by themselves. Does that make sense?

It's a lot about survival, making one day work at a time.

Also no one has all the answers.. we all break down, wish for more strength, wish for more knowledge. not to diminish what you are feeling at ALL.

Dont know what else to tell you but hugs.

[sste]

LMH, I read this and I can discern only two differences between you and me: 1) you are I agree with PP likely dealing with some depression and/or anxiety at a substantial level; and 2) you perceive the degree of help you need as problematic!!

I feel exactly as you do and so does my husband. We are terrified and I believe rightly so(!) of doing long days solo with the kids with no support. We, and in fact a very large share of the population (probably the majority) are not built to provide high-quality childcare and parenting for hours on end with no break. I am thinking about taking a year off from work if we have another chld and I will be keeping my nanny 3/4 time if I do so I can have time to write, exercise and spend 1:1 time with the kids. And the nanny absolutely is my co-parent! H*ll to the yes!

You are being ridiculously hard on yourself! Esp in light of your son's special needs and your daughter's reflux. Call some closet organizers and a therapist/psychiatrist. See if the nanny or someone else can freeze some healthy meals. And for today focus on spending 20 minutes each playing with and enjoying each of your children. Without a list of expecations and self-critique. That is do-able and you will feel much better!

[BunnyBee]

I think every mom has those feelings. The concern is that they aren't fleeting and are affecting your life negatively. It's clear from your posts how much you adore your kids! Maybe a therapist would be able to help you enjoy them (and yourself) more.

[MamaInMarch]

First of all, :hug::hug:

I think most of us are really just getting by... We all have strengths and weaknesses as parents. No one is perfect.

I also think it might be helpful to talk to someone and help put your vision of how you are as a parent in perspective.

There are many times I feel like a giant failure in so many ways. Not the right foods, not the right way to spend our time, wanting to get away for a while, raising my voice, etc... On and on. This parenting gig is TOUGH!

[MamaInMarch]

:yeahthat:
LMH, I read this and I can discern only two differences between you and me: 1) you are I agree with PP likely dealing with some depression and/or anxiety at a substantial level; and 2) you perceive the degree of help you need as problematic!!

I feel exactly as you do and so does my husband. We are terrified and I believe rightly so(!) of doing long days solo with the kids with no support. We, and in fact a very large share of the population (probably the majority) are not built to provide high-quality childcare and parenting for hours on end with no break. I am thinking about taking a year off from work if we have another chld and I will be keeping my nanny 3/4 time if I do so I can have time to write, exercise and spend 1:1 time with the kids. And the nanny absolutely is my co-parent! H*ll to the yes!

You are being ridiculously hard on yourself! Esp in light of your son's special needs and your daughter's reflux. Call some closet organizers and a therapist/psychiatrist. See if the nanny or someone else can freeze some healthy meals. And for today focus on spending 20 minutes each playing with and enjoying each of your children. Without a list of expecations and self-critique. That is do-able and you will feel much better!

I already replied once, but I thought this was spot on so I had to come back to say...

[inmypjs]

It sounds like getting an au pair was an incredibly smart decision. Please do not feel guilty for relying on her or needing her. Just pay her as well as you can and be grateful that you have her. When you have children with special needs, you can't do it all yourself.

[Indianamom2]

I agree with Beth (egoldberg)...and I speak from experience as well....you sound depressed and anxious (which very often go hand in hand). Even a low maintenance dose of meds could be life-changing. Talking to a therapist would be helpful....there are things you can do to help you get through this, but it does sound like you might need some help.

Also, I think your decision to hire help was incredibly wise. You have said your DH works a ton and perhaps isn't the most helpful/supportive. With two "neurotypical" kids that's hard enough, but with an infant and a child with extra needs, you NEED help.

You can do this. You should see my house. My kids are 8.5 and 3.5 years. My house is always a wreck. We don't eat what we should...but we're healthy and generally happy and thriving. Give yourself a lot of slack. You don't have to be perfect because I promise you....no one else is either.:hug:

[daisysmom]

I only have one child --- but I have felt this way many-a-time. Parenting is much harder than it looks! When I had a newborn who was about a month old, one of my best friends (a mother of 3) came over to my house and I finally broke down and said "Why didn't you or anyone else tell me it was going to be this hard?" as I sobbed. She said "If we all told that secret, no one would ever have any kids!" I always think of that when my younger (childless) sister tells me that we should be doing something different on raising my daughter -- she has no idea how tough it is until she has one.

I also think, honestly, that my mother doesn't even understand the pressures that mothers have today to be the best moms they can be. While my mom (and my MIL) had 4 children, they were not nearly as involved in childraising as I am and I WOTH and just have one child. When I was growing up in the 70s, kids spent hours upon hours playing outside and there was so much more independence/so much less parent handwringing. Plus, they had a social network (cul de sac) of other mothers perfectly happy to gossip and trade secrets.

So I guess what I mean is... you aren't alone. We had a nanny until last Aug (when my DD started kindergarten) and I was really nervous to have her leave too. She was like my wife -- it was so nice to have 2 involved parents (me and the nanny) ... as much as I love my DH, that is just the truth.

As my DD approaches 6, I am FINALLY getting glimpses at my daughter who understands how hard parenting is, and loves me for my faults. It has been a long road. Just this weekend she, out of the blue, said "I am sorry I said you were irritating Mom." (and honestly, I never heard her say it... so she must have been thinking it really loud in her head). I thanked her for the apology and she followed up with "I mean, I know that everyone is irritating sometimes. Even I am irritating sometimes." I swear I looked up to Heaven in thanks. Finally.... some modicum of understanding.

[BunnyBee]

You may want to check out something like The Way We Never Were (Stephanie Coontz) to help yourself realize that the mom doing it all is NOT normal or the way it's always been! It's a post-WWII fictionalization, perhaps created to help women transition from their war roles in the workplaces back into the homes so the returning soldiers would have jobs again. Only the economy had changed and suburbia and single-family dwellings exploded. No more extended families living together, helping each other... Anyway, that's the very simplistic version (and it's been a long time since grad school!).

I think we're killing ourselves trying to be Martha Stewart/Mrs. Cleaver/Marissa Meyer all rolled into one. Oh, and add on fantastic spouse/sex kitten! :loveeyes: It truly is impossible to do everything, and knowing what you can do and getting help for the rest isn't something you should be "confessing." It's fantastic that you can afford help, and that you recognize that you aren't some mythical creature! As far as what happens in November, well, you start prepping for that in August, right? You aren't expected to suddenly become two or three people. :22:

[pinkmomagain]

Just wanted to say that I so admire your courage and self-awareness.

Agreeing with others recommending you seek treatment for anxiety/depression. It is very treatable. The potential is there to significantly improve your quality of life.

Hugs to you!

[lmh2402]

thanks everyone

i greatly appreciate the support and hugs

i've sought therapy many times over the years for depression and anxiety

but i've never found it to help me really change anything

perhaps the wrong therapists. perhaps my mindset was never quite right.

perhaps i did/do need medication.

who knows.

but for now, i'm grateful for the kindness. and i'm tired.

i think i need to try and sleep more. that might help make everything better.

oh, and as affirmation that it's not just me...DS was in epic crazy violent mode today and i had the clarity to see that there just ain't no way life like this with him is "normal." just not possible.

anyway, thank you.

[pastrygirl]

I relate 100% and even wrote about it on my blog a couple of weeks ago. My youngest is 3.5yo and I am just starting to feel normal, like maybe I can parent both my kids. But for a LONG time, it was awful and scary and I avoided it as much as possible. I would've killed for a nanny to help me through all that time. I haven't read the other replies, but I say USE HER FOR AS LONG AS YOU'RE ABLE. It's not forever, but if it helps you bet through a tough time, then so be it.

I'm sorry you're struggling... :(


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[Tondi G]

My situation was a little different but I went through a crazy bout of what my therapist said was Post traumatic stress disorder when DS2 was born. DS1 was colicky ... MISERABLE! If he wasn't eating he was crying .... he slept no more than 20 to 30 minutes for naps and only in 1 or 2 hr blocks at night. He nursed for 45 minutes at a time. I was BEAT! I was SO thankful I had my Mom around... she was my savior. She went away one weekend for work, my sister was also out of town and DS1 ended up constipated at 6 wks of age. It was the most difficult weekend of my life (Dh too). As DS1 got older his outlook on life improved and he was a happier kid. I put a lot of the craziness behind me. When DS2 came along all was well at first. About a week after his birth we were home and DH took him outside to visit with the neighbors a bit ... he started crying and DH flipped out, he came inside, put DS2 in my arms and said "I can't do this again". Well I about lost it cause it all came flooding back. DH managed to keep it together and I LOST IT! I ended up with awful panic attacks and anxiety ... couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... it was awful. I felt like the worst mommy in the world cause I couldn't parent my child. He was a different baby but I guess I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to turn into DS1. Therapy didn't cut it, taking vitamins and supplements didn't cut it. I ended up taking Lexapro and after about 3 or 4 weeks I was back to being the in control Mommy that everyone knew. I actually think it helped me to be a better, more patient parent than I was with DS1. I stayed on the meds till DS2 was around a year and a half. I wouldn't hesitate to go back on the medication if I felt I needed it. It made a tremendous difference in my life. If I hadn't had my Mom so close I don't really know what I would do. I am a firm believer in "It takes a Village" to raise children. Whether it is a family member (grandmas or aunts or cousins) or a Nanny or Au pair.... we all need someone we can lean on and get help from. As your little one gets older it will be easier to parent 2 kids at the same time. I would do your best to not stress about when your Au pair is leaving but to maximize and enjoy the help while you have it. If she leaves and you find you need more assistance then maybe you can look into hiring a part time Nanny.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be so hard on yourself. If you think your anxiety level has reached a level that it can't be dealt with through therapy, maybe consider trying something like Lexapro (it really is a good med to treat anxiety). You can always try the meds and see if things improve ... you do have to give it a good 6 weeks or so though. If it isn't doing the trick for you, then you wean off and pursue other ways of managing your anxiety. I was so hesitant to take anything and I finally realized I couldn't beat it myself.... if I had a medical condition that needed medication I would take it .... this is no different. I didn't have to stay on it forever ... just needed to reset my brain chemistry and get through that tough 1st year and a half.

Oh and yeah ... anyone who tells you life is perfect is lying to themselves!!! Being a Mommy is HARD WORK!!!! (((HUGS))) you'll get through this!

[StantonHyde]

Meds--try meds. And you need Cognitive Behavior Therapy for anxiety. YOur DS would stress out anybody. My DS had me totally stressed out the first 6 weeks of his life--I called the doctor and asked what I could take and still breastfeed. Zoloft it was. Thank you sweet Jesus!!!! I am still on it. All of the coping skills I worked on in therapy--I can use those now. Or I don't even have to use them because my BRAIN works. Truly awesome.

Make a call to your OB today--get a recommendation for a psychiatrist or APRN and go. It is truly worth a try.