Update: How do we tell DD that she's not going to be a Big Sister after all?

[sunshine873]

15 weeks, bleeding, 3 cm dilated, and now my water broke. :(. I Amin the hospital now, waiting for the end to follow course. I won't go into detail about my feelings of failure to have a normal, healthy pregnancy.

My question is, what do we say to 4 yr old DD? She has been so excited about being a big sister. She doesn't have any experience with death and likens being "sick" to having a cold or fever. I don't want to cause problems with the way she sees things down the line. She's already freaked out because we went to the ER and Mommy was crying. I told her I'm fine, but I was just sad. How do we explain this to her?

UPDATE:
The MC is complete. Turns out the baby was a boy. It was a rough night (mentally more than anything,) but I am recovering and if my blood count comes back normal, will be heading home in the morning. DH went home in time for DDs bedtime last night. She definitely was worried about Mommy, so they called me and that seemed to put her at ease. Before I knew it, she was asking for her bed time routine, so we said her prayers together over the phone and then said goodbye so Daddy could read her books.

I showed this post and all the wonderful responses to DH before he left last night. From the bottom of our hearts, Thank You. Your suggestions helped us to talk through how we should approach this with DD and your support has gone a long way to helping us begin to heal. I am touched, to say the least, by the outpouring from friends at the BBB, but DH was blown away by the support. I think it helped him feel OK about grieving and feeling as heartbroken as he is and for that, again, I thank you.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I'm sure some other mamas will have something to tell your DD, but I just wanted to offer some hugs and prayer for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.:hug:

[sarahsthreads]

Oh, no. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. :hug:

I don't know how to answer your question, but I couldn't read without posting. I hadn't told my children that I was pregnant before I miscarried last time (I was only 8 weeks a the time), so all they knew was that I didn't feel well for a while. I am sure no matter how you tell her it's going to be a grieving process for everyone in your family.

Prayers to all of you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Sarah

[ezcc]

I'm so sorry. I have been there twice, and for my first m/c my dc (5 and 8 at the time) knew. We just told them that sometimes your body thinks it is pregnant/having a baby but that it is wrong/a mistake. I avoided saying that the baby died, just seemed more sad than necessary for them. I wasn't quite as far along so they hadn't seen any ultrasounds or anything yet. We didn't get a lot of questions. Hugs.

[HonoluluMom]

I'm sure others will have suggestions, but I want to say I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this and just want to offer a lot of :hug:.

[TxCat]

:grouphug:

As I reading your post, all I could think was no, no, no. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I went through two miscarriages this summer, and while they were earlier in the pregnancy and early enough that we hadn't really told DD, it was devastating. There are no words to express how sorry I am that you are going through this.

No good advice for what to tell your DD. But I couldn't not post after reading.

[JanBaby]

I'm so very, very sorry. No words of wisdom, just hugs.

[FTMLuc]

:hug: I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I am sorry, no advice re your question.

[citymama]

Oh, sweetie, I am so very sorry for your loss. Big hugs and P&PT coming your way from me. :hug:

Don't stress out about how to tell your DD. I don't think you need to talk about death, but just that you aren't pregnant any more :( and she will have to wait a little longer to be a big sister. That you love her like crazy and need her to be a little patient with mama who isn't feeling so well. Take care.

[smilequeen]

I'm so sorry :(

When I was pregnant with my 3rd, I had had 2 miscarriages and I was really nervous. But I was very sick and DS1 knew something was up. When I told him about the baby I told him that growing a baby is very difficult and sometimes something goes wrong and the baby doesn't grow properly and you have to take some time and then start over. I wasn't ready to tell him anything more indepth than that.

I don't know if that helps at all, but I am so so sorry you are going through this. It's not fair.

[Snow mom]

No advice but I wanted to send you hugs and lots of P+PT. I'm sorry your family is going through this.

[Philly Mom]

Hugs to you a thousand times over. I have not btdt, but my SIL has had some miscarriages after telling the older kids. Her kids were older than 4 so were better to able to understand and didn't need to repeat it more than once. I know she cuddled her kids and told them. I would keep it simple but know you may need to repeat.

[doberbrat]

just wanted to offer a hug. I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[Seitvonzu]

couldn't read and not *hug* i think PP have given you great advice about how to talk to DD. *HUGSandmoreHUGS*

[Globetrotter]

:hug:

I think you've gotten some good advice.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm so sorry.

[DietCokeLover]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are heartbroken.

In talking with DD, I would keep it simple and optimistic. I like PP's statement the it looks like she will need to wait a little longer to be a big sister.

[MamaMolly]

I'm so, so, sorry. Big loving hugs. PPs have given great advice, so I'll pile on the love. :grouphug:

[Melaine]

I'm so very sorry...prayers for your family.

[curiousgeorge]

I have no advice but just wanted to offer hugs, and P&PT to you and your family. I'm so sorry.

[AngB]

:hug: I'm so sorry.

There are some good books out there written on a children's level, "We were gonna have a baby but we had an angel instead" http://www.amazon.com/Were-Gonna-Have-Angel-Instead/dp/0972424113/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top "Something Happened" http://somethinghappenedbook.com/.

I didn't have DC when we lost DD, but I know it is advised to be pretty straightforward with older siblings. I don't think I would gloss over it-(ie. what if you decide not to try again and you've told her she has to wait longer to be a big sister..)and I don't think most counselors advise that either. Not that you have to be super detailed or in depth, but you can tell her she has a baby sister/brother in heaven. I don't think they really get it until awhile later no matter how you explain it, but I'm not sure I would act like the baby just disappeared/never existed.

Find out if there is any pregnancy/infant loss support staff at the hospital. We have a fantastic "bereavement services" support nurse who deals exclusively with pregnancy and neonatal losses, she always has really great advice and a huge lending library with both of the books I mentioned, they may have more specific advice for you because unfortunately they deal with this all of the time.

Hugs again. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[georgiegirl]

Many hugs. I am so sorry. What an incredibly difficult situation for you and your family.

My DD had asked why I didn't tell her immediately when I got pregnant, and I told her that a lot of things can go wrong in a pregnancy and a lot of tiny babies die before they are born.

[wendibird22]

I couldn't read without offering my thoughts and hugs to you. Sending you many P&PT for physical and emotional healing.

[mikala]

I couldn't read without offering my thoughts and hugs to you. Sending you many P&PT for physical and emotional healing.

Yeah that. Huge hugs.

[scrooks]

I couldn't not post... I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there too. I am sending your family lots of prayers!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

oh my goodness, i am so, sorry. :hug: no advice, just lots of prayers and hugs. am so sorry.

[elephantmeg]

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and P+PT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mmommy]

Lots of hugs for you and your family. :grouphug:

[sidmand]

I don't have any advice but wanted to add my hugs too. So sorry for your loss.

[weabie]

I am so very sorry this is happening. There really are no words. I suffered a loss at 16 weeks when my son was 5. We did talk about the baby getting sick, but I think you have gotten other ideas about what to say. You will be in my thoughts. I know it is so hard.

[nfowife]

I'm so sorry.

[candaceb]

I am so sorry for your loss.
The first book that AngB recommended has been really helpful for several families in my infant loss support group who had pre-school aged kids.

[ourbabygirl]

No advice, just lots of hugs, prayers, and positive thoughts for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[kaharris83]

I'm so very, very sorry. Sending strength to you during this difficult time.

[MamaInMarch]

:grouphug: to you and your family.

I am sorry I don't have any words of advice. But I could not read with out replying.

[MommyofAmaya]

:hug: for you and your daughter.

[brittone2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your entire family will be in my thoughts. :hug:

[boltfam]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to send a big :hug:. So sorry for your loss. What a loving mom to immediately think of your dd.

[Tenasparkl]

I'm so sorry

[kdeunc]

I am so sorry for your loss. :hug: My m/c was early on and my boys did not know about the baby. When I got pregnant again we did not tell them until I was 16 weeks. (I was waiting for amnio results before I told anyone really).

[Momit]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs.

[arivecchi]

Hope you get the advice you need here. Just wanted to say I am so sorry as well. :hug:

[pastrygirl]

I'm so sorry... :(

[mommylamb]

That is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm very sorry. :hug: Many P&PT to you and your family. What a good mama you are to be thinking about your DD right now.

[crl]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Catherine

[s7714]

:hug: I'm sorry.

I accidentally let it slip that I'd been pregnant prior to DD1 and both DDs caught my slip. I just told them essentially what a PP said, that sometimes your body thinks it's pregnant but isn't. But then we also talked about the fact sometimes babies are born way before they're ready to be born and don't make it because I had issues during my pregnancy with DS. My DDs are a lot older than your's though.

[bekahjean]

I'm so so sorry. :(

[happymom]

Just wanted to say that I am so so sorry. Many hugs to you.

[speo]

I am so sorry. Lots of hugs and PT for you family.

[wellyes]

I'm so sad for you - strength & peace to your family.

[twowhat?]

Oh no:( So, so sorry :hug:

I like what one PP said about saying something like "A baby is a lot of work to grow and sometimes something goes wrong and your body just has to start over." That's something my kids would've bought at that age.

Will be thinking of you.

[mjs64]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[karstmama]

oh, i'm so sorry.

[LMPC]

I like what one PP said about saying something like "A baby is a lot of work to grow and sometimes something goes wrong and your body just has to start over." That's something my kids would've bought at that age.


I like this as well! After that, I would just take her lead on questions.

You are in my thoughts! I am so very sorry for your loss!

[mom2MandC]

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

[KrisM]

I'm so sorry.:hug:

[chottumommy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug: I didn't face this for my pregnancies but my friend lost her baby at 5 months. My son (he was 3+) knew she was expecting a baby and after her loss I explained to him how sometimes babies are born before they are ready and cannot survive outside mommy's tummy. He didn't question the explanation but was so concerned for my friend - he freaked out that something would happen to her. So please do tell your DD that you yourself are fine healthwise. Lots of P&T to you and your family.

[R2sweetboys]

:hug: I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take care.

[blue]

:hug: I am very sorry.

[babyonway]

I am so sorry for your loss :grouphug:

[infomama]

I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of you all. :hug:

[sewarsh]

So very sorry for your loss.

Reassure DD that God needs her little baby sibling to watch after her from heaven?? Thats what my SIL told me nieces when she lost her baby at 28 weeks.

So so sad. Again i'm sorry.

[g-mama]

I'm so sorry :hug: I wish I had some words of wisdom. I've had a miscarriage, too, but my older ds was too young to have told so I didn't have that extra heartache. My thoughts are with you.

[div_0305]

:hug: You and your family are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult position of explaining to your 4yr old. I don't know what is best for a 4 yr old under these circumstances, and what they would understand. I agree with prior posts that less information is better, and to make sure she knows that you are here to stay.

[SoCalMommy]

I'm sure some other mamas will have something to tell your DD, but I just wanted to offer some hugs and prayer for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.:hug:

:yeahthat:

[edurnemk]

I'm so sorry. :hug:

No experience with telling a DC, but I wanted to send you hugs. My mom had a miscarriage at 20 weeks, I was 7 and my brother was 4, I don't remember much of the details of how they told us, except my dad and grandparents telling us that the baby had gotten sick and gone back to Heaven because he wasn't well enough to be born, so mom was in the hospital. Honestly I remember being sad but my brother and I got over it pretty quickly.

[westwoodmom04]

Not much to add, sending you lots of hugs. I had two miscarriages both before my first child was born, and remember how sad I felt.

[KDsMommy]

Oh I'm so so sorry.

[Pennylane]

So sorry for your loss.

Ann

[Rarick0]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[hillview]

so sorry for your loss:hug:

[kara97210]

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

When I was 5 or 6 my mom was pregnant and had a loss. I don't remember exactly what my parents said to us, but I do remember it was the first time that sat us down for a serious talk. I grew up in a religious household and believe that my parents said something like god's plan and our plans are not always the same. It's generally how they did, and still do, approach loss. It was definitely a sad time, but not something that effected me in the long term. My sister, who is a really wonderful person, was born about a year later.

[todzwife]

I'm so so sorry. :(

[lmh2402]

oh no. i'm so sorry. very, very sorry for your loss

[jk3]

I'm so sorry.

[Kindra178]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Thinking of you.

[sariana]

I am so very sorry. My heart sank when I read your post title. :( :hug:

[kittymom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

I had many losses, some early and a couple of late losses. My latest was twins at 18weeks so my son (4 at the time) knew I was pregnant. I was in the hospital too for a couple of days bc of a bad infection so he was scared. Once I was home, I told him I was fine and healthy but mommy has trouble staying pregnant and the babies are not in my tummy anymore. My son accepted that explanation. Mostly they want to feel secure in the world so offer lots of reassurance even though it's hard bc you are sad. I've since had a daughter after a high risk pregnancy involving hospital bedrest and he remembers the babies mommy lost, but he is mostly focused on his sister.

((hugs)) and feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm so so sorry for your loss!

If it were me I would tell the truth. The baby passed away, and you are very sad. Answer any questions simply and honestly.

I was about 4 when my mother had a still born baby. I wasn't really able to understand fully, but it helped me to know why she was sad.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

[trales]

I am so sorry for you loss. Lots of hugs from here.

[malphy]

I have no advice but I just wanted to give you a hug. I have been down the mc road many times and it is miserable. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

[theriviera]

I don't have any advice but want to offer many hugs. Sending many PTs your way.

[daisyd]

I'm so sorry...

[cuca_]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[BabyBearsMom]

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[Kira's Mommy]

I am so so sorry. Hugs.

[Cuckoomamma]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

We lost a baby when dd was 2.5. We believe in heaven and so explained that the baby's body must not have been strong enough and that her sister had gone to heaven.

After we had dd2, we had four more losses. Each time we've pretty much said the same thing. I don't think that there will be another baby, as I'm getting older now, and I'm emotionally drained from all the losses.

One time the girls were with me when I had the u/s and found out that the baby's heart was no longer beating. The tech wouldn't confirm it but left to call the dr. I told them what I suspected, and we talked about how sad it was. The tech let me speak with the dr by phone and he then confirmed that the baby had died.

Every so often the girls will talk about the siblings they have in heaven or remember seeing the baby on an ultrasound.

Once again, I'm just so sorry for your loss.

[ShanaMama]

I am so so sorry.

[lcarlson90]

I don't have any advice but I couldn't read this without telling you how very sorry I am for your loss.

[plusbellelavie]

So sorry for your loss! Lots of P&PT for you and your family!

What a good friend who lost her baby at 5 months did with her boys (5 and 9 at the time) was to plant a tree and surrondd it with flowers in their backyard to remember the baby. They are very reiligous so that they also explain to the boys that it was Gods wish and prayed often. They acknowledge the loss the boys were feeling throughout the following years. She and her DH also talked about and allowed the boys to see their saddness over the loss. The boys continue to help their parent take care and change the flowers around the tree in the Spring when the baby would have been born. HTH

[zukeypur]

So sorry for your loss.

[MMMommy]

I'm so sorry. :hug:

[AnnieW625]

:hug: I don't know what to tell her. My DD1 was 3 when we lost baby 2, she would have been 3/1/2 when baby 2 was born. She knew mommy wasn't healthy and she knew I was sad. A few days after the loss she asked me about the baby and when it was coming home, but before i could answer she said "the baby stayed at the hospital." I left it at that and gave her a big hug, and a kiss. A few months passed and we were in the locker room at the YMCA and she saw a poster of a dr. checking a lady's heart or lungs and she turned to me and said "the doctor made mommy feel all better." It was moments like that which really got me through it. Hugs to you, your DH, and your DD.

[maestramommy]

I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[Roleysmom]

I have nothing to add to the wise advice you've received but want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself and take good care.

[ged]

I lost my son at 19 weeks, one day after my older daughter turned 4. It was horrible. I was finishing up baking some cupcakes for her birthday at pre-school when I had a significant bleed, etc. Later that afternoon, she was with me at the Drs office and when the ambulance had to take me to the hospital, she (and I!) was a mess...and all this was ON her birthday. I then had to stay in the hospital for 2 nights...it was horrible all around. I was so sad about the loss, but also so worried about my 4 y.o. and how scarred she would be. I mean, what kind of birthday is that?! During my hospital stay, we planned for a little jumper/bounce house to arrive at the home the day I got back. We had mini impromptu b-day party (with very few guests) and it was my way of addressing her needs (or at least what I thought she needed). When we think back to that time, I see the pain and loss, but I also see the joy in her face regarding her party, and all the positive memories overshadowing all the scary ones. She really mainly just remembers the party.

I agree with PPs and suggest you keep it short and simple. And reassure her that you are fine. You love her, etc. She may, like my daughter, have really wanted a sibling. It breaks your heart to have to tell them that it won't happen now. But, as believers, we just told her that it was God's plan, and even if we don't understand it, we know that He loves us. If God wants us to have a brother/sister then it will happen.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is so hard.

This happened about 4 years ago for us. I just want to say that my older DD is fine. She's not scarred. She knows about loss, but not in a painful/scary way. We now have another little girl in our family. She (my older daughter) will still occasionally draw family pictures that include her little brother.

[elizabethkott]

I am so very sorry for your loss.
Sending you P&PT to help you and your family right now.
(((((hugs)))))

[tmahanes]

I don't have any advice to add.... I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Sent from my DROID RAZR

[boilermakermom]

I am so sorry!! Hugs!

[Twoboos]

I am so sorry for your loss. P&PT to you and your family for getting through this. :hug:

[WatchingThemGrow]

Thanks for the update. I hope you will all find a way to memorialize your baby boy and make peace after such a difficult event. So sorry.

[liz]

I am just seeing this now. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending p&pt to you and DH :hug::hug:.

[elephantmeg]

continuing to pray for you all! Hope you get to go home soon!

[egoldber]

I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:

My older DD was 3.5 when we lost our second child. It was a full term loss, so of course older DD knew all about the baby and was looking forward to being a big sister and we had hyped up the whole thing.

We are not religious, but what we said was just that sometimes babies are not strong enough to live outside the mother's body and they die.

She was pretty verbal at that point and she talked about the loss for a long time, wanting to know where the baby actually was, what happened, etc. Helping her process was almost the hardest part of the loss. It was also hard when I was pregnant again with younger DD because she wanted to know if she would die too. We did not tell her about that pregnancy until I was almost into the third trimester.

I would be prepared for questions for a long time. This is normal. She also acted out the loss with her dolls for some time as well. Again, this is normal although it can be distressing to hear as a parent when you are also still grieving. Also, don't be afraid to let her see you cry. Just tell her you are thinking about the baby and are sad and that you miss him.

Every year, we plant flowers on her birthday. It's a private way we have as a family to remember her.

[TwoBees]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. :( :hug::hug:

[Ceepa]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Gena]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

[misshollygolightly]

I'm late to this thread, but just wanted to send you hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am praying for you and your family.

[Mali]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Radswd]

I am so very sorry about your loss. Praying for you & your family during this difficult time.

[Melbel]

Sending heartfelt prayers and positive thoughts. I am so sorry for your loss.

[goldenpig]

I am so sorry for your loss. Huge hugs to you and your family. :grouphug:

[SASM]

Oh my...I am so sorry for your loss. I still grieve for my losses, 10 and 9 years ago. i have to keep reminding myself that if it werent for those two m/c's, I wouldn't have my beautiful babies. I found the following article in Mothering magazine shortly after my first...This helped me A LOT after both of my m/c:

“Spirit Baby“ Part IV of BabyCatcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.
Stunned when the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.
Colin asked, “Are you crying about the baby?” and when I nodded tearfully, he said, “Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother.”
I must have looked puzzled because he said, “Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!” But he could see my perplexity.
So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, “Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?
“So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.
“But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?” I nodded wordlessly. “Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom.”
In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.
Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. “Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?”
He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.
“Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!”
Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. “Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it.”
It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision. So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we “needed a baby in the house.” Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.
I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.


(((((HUGE HUGS)))))

[Carrots]

15 weeks, bleeding, 3 cm dilated, and now my water broke. :(. I Amin the hospital now, waiting for the end to follow course. I won't go into detail about my feelings of failure to have a normal, healthy pregnancy.

My question is, what do we say to 4 yr old DD? She has been so excited about being a big sister. She doesn't have any experience with death and likens being "sick" to having a cold or fever. I don't want to cause problems with the way she sees things down the line. She's already freaked out because we went to the ER and Mommy was crying. I told her I'm fine, but I was just sad. How do we explain this to her?

UPDATE:
The MC is complete. Turns out the baby was a boy. It was a rough night (mentally more than anything,) but I am recovering and if my blood count comes back normal, will be heading home in the morning. DH went home in time for DDs bedtime last night. She definitely was worried about Mommy, so they called me and that seemed to put her at ease. Before I knew it, she was asking for her bed time routine, so we said her prayers together over the phone and then said goodbye so Daddy could read her books.

I showed this post and all the wonderful responses to DH before he left last night. From the bottom of our hearts, Thank You. Your suggestions helped us to talk through how we should approach this with DD and your support has gone a long way to helping us begin to heal. I am touched, to say the least, by the outpouring from friends at the BBB, but DH was blown away by the support. I think it helped him feel OK about grieving and feeling as heartbroken as he is and for that, again, I thank you.

Oh my. I am just catching this now. I am so incredibly sorry. I lost triplets at 24 weeks in 2007 and I will always grieve for them. It hurts my heart to see when others suffer losses too.

Although I don't have any advice for how to explain your loss to your DD, I can see that you have received some wonderful suggestions.

I am so sorry. :grouphug:

[Melaine]

I'm praying for you today, OP.

[scrooks]

Oh my...I am so sorry for your loss. I still grieve for my losses, 10 and 9 years ago. i have to keep reminding myself that if it werent for those two m/c's, I wouldn't have my beautiful babies. I found the following article in Mothering magazine shortly after my first...This helped me A LOT after both of my m/c:

“Spirit Baby“ Part IV of BabyCatcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.
Stunned when the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.
Colin asked, “Are you crying about the baby?” and when I nodded tearfully, he said, “Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother.”
I must have looked puzzled because he said, “Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!” But he could see my perplexity.
So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, “Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?
“So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.
“But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?” I nodded wordlessly. “Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom.”
In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.
Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. “Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?”
He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.
“Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!”
Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. “Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it.”
It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision. So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we “needed a baby in the house.” Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.
I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.


(((((HUGE HUGS)))))
I love this story....it captures how I feel after dealing with multiple losses. I really feel this has happened in my life.


Sunshine...I am praying for you and your family in your time of such loss....

[mikala]

I'm sitting here nursing my "spirit baby" while I read this thread and that story has me bawling my eyes out. It's such a beautiful way to look at it.

Op, huge hugs.

[sariana]

I already replied once, but I couldn't let your one comment go. There is no failure on your part. Your abbreviated pregnancies are in no way your fault. I know it probably won't make any difference for me to say so, but as a mom of two preemies myself, I could not let that comment to without responding.

I still envy those women who are out shopping at 39 1/2 weeks. I get frustrated--no angry-- when people say "I want this baby out now! I'm at 38 weeks and ready!" I would have given anything to trade those last few weeks with someone who didn't want them.

More hugs to you as you grieve and start to heal.

[PunkyBoo]

Prayers and hugs to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[mum-to-be]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you today.

[Indianamom2]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. May you have peace and quick healing during this time.:hug:

[BabbyO]

I'm sorry, I didn't see your post until today. I'm so sorry for your loss and I think you've received some great recommendations. I remember being about 4 or 5 and having that talk with my mom (about not being a big sister). It is going to be difficult no matter what, but I pray for you to have Strength and Wisdom and Healing poured on your family!

[todzwife]

My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

[trcy]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[rin]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep your beautiful boy in my thoughts today.

My two miscarriages were before DDs were born, so I didn't have to explain them to a child, but I know how heartbreaking it is. Are you familiar with the online community glowinthewoods? There's a lot of support there from other families who've experienced the loss of children.

[Nemesia]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for you today.

[LizLemon]

My deepest condolences for your loss. I waited to share the news of my pregnancy until 5 months with my coworkers and most friends, due to almost paralyzing fears of having a miscarriage and then having to break the news to people. I can't even imagine what you are going through, with a daughter to explain things to do as well. :hug:

One thing I will add is that kids are generally incredibly resilient. I bet you will be amazed by how your daughter comes through this. Just be sure to take enough time for yourself, in your efforts to care for the rest of your family.

[ArizonaGirl]

I am crying for you while reading this. I know that I am late to this post, but I wish you all the best in recovering from this loss and hope that you are getting the support that you all need right now.

:hug:

[blisstwins]

Thoughts and prayers for your children and family.

[jbbhb]

I'm late to this also, but thinking of you and your family tonight. :hug:

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

[missym]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts & prayers. :hug:

[daisymommy]

I am so sorry for your pain and loss (((HUGS))). We're here for you!


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