DH & Depression

[khalloc]

This is really wired to come out and write. but I could use some insight or someone who has BTDT. DH has been really really sad lately. I don't know why. He claims he doesn't know why. last week he saw a counselor for the first time. he goes again tomorrow. which is good, right? But I'm kind of struggling with this because he will start crying for no reason at all. Like he just went to pick up his dry cleaning and came back, seemed fine, but then was in the Mudroom in tears! Like the kind of tears I might do if apparent died or something. I've never seems a therapist or really been depressed, so this is all new to me. But I can't help but take it personally, since he's obviously not happy about something and me and the kids play a big part of his life.

Things that I can think off of the bat is that he hasn't been thrilled with our sex life, but its not THAT bad. We still do it at least once a week it seems. More often than that usually. I definitely do not think he's having an affair or anything like that. He left a very stressful job last year to move to a new company that was going to cause us to relocate. But he hated that job too and left it in November to go back to his old company at a less stressful job. He was management and now he is not. He claims to like just working and not be the guy putting out fires. he's been complaining in the past month about having no life...we don't hang out with friends much. Almost never really since we don't really have any friends with kids. So there is that. It's dreary and wintertime here. We usually take a tropical vacation in the winter but are not doing that this year because we have some house projects we want to do instead. Could it be winter blues? I really don't know what to do or when to expect this counseling to kick in and do its job. I'm trying to encourage him to exercise or go out with friends but I can't force him. he has a good job, makes good money, has a great family (parents & siblings)...is he having some sort of midlife crisis??? Has anyone else had a DH go thru something like this?

[kara97210]

:hug: This sounds really tough.

My DH doesn't suffer from depression, but he definitely lives in his own head a lot, so I can sympathize with not really understanding what he is going through. I think the best thing is for your DH to stay in therapy, and for you to make sure that he knows that you are open to talk whenever he wants. I have to stop myself from getting frustrated with DH, because he completely shuts down when I ask him what is going on, but he will come to me on his own to work through problems.

Also, I would recommend individual therapy for you, so that you have a neutral party that you can talk to about this and work through any issues that come up in his therapy. If he is suffering from depression it will be a big drain on your entire family.

[BunnyBee]

Good for him for seeking treatment! I'd encourage him to get a thorough physical to rule out any medical reasons. Will the counselor meet with you to give you suggestions on how best to support him?

[wellyes]

I'm so sorry he is going through a mental health crisis. It's really hard and frustrating to watch someone be irrationally emotional that way. Obviously this is a difficult time for HIM, but I know it is for you too.

I second the advice to get a thorough physical. I also advise patience, which is no easy feat. He is doing the right things and so are you. Good luck.

[KDsMommy]

This is so hard. I suffer from Major Depression and have been exactly where your DH is and it's awful and uncontrollable. Definitely get him to a doctor and if therapy doesn't seem to help, a psychiatrist for possible medication. Depression really sucks for all involved. Hugs to you.

[egoldber]

But I can't help but take it personally, since he's obviously not happy about something and me and the kids play a big part of his life.

Depression isn't about being upset with someone or some aspect of your life. It's a mood disorder caused by a chemical imbalance. You need to think of it as like being diabetic, not that he is sad or upset with you. Depressive episodes may be associated with a trigger, but sometimes there is no trigger. Some people are just genetically predisposed to depression and mood disorders.

He is absolutely doing the right thing by seeing a mental health professional. He may need medication (short or long term) to help him stabilize his mood.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/what-is-depression.shtml

[mjs64]

Depression isn't about being upset with someone or some aspect of your life. It's a mood disorder caused by a chemical imbalance. You need to think of it as like being diabetic, not that he is sad or upset with you. Depressive episodes may be associated with a trigger, but sometimes there is no trigger. Some people are just genetically predisposed to depression and mood disorders.

He is absolutely doing the right thing by seeing a mental health professional. He may need medication (short or long term) to help him stabilize his mood.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/what-is-depression.shtml

Incredibly well put. I suffer from depression as well, and, even though it may seem like I'm mad at DH, it's not about him. It's a medical condition--that negatively affects all of us. Hugs to you.

[dogmom]

Yes, it's not you. It's not his life. It's a medical condition. The best description I had about severe depression is that if you were lying in bed, unable to get out of it because of depression, and there was a button right on the nightstand that you could push and make it go away, you still couldn't manage to push the button. Depression is something that the normal things you do to make yourself feel better (enjoy playing with you kids, enjoy a hobby, go for a walk) has no joy, or the joy it does bring is so fleeting that it doesn't make a dent in your depression. To ask him, or give him the impression, that you feel like he is unhappy with your or your family is just going to put an extra burden on him, don't do that. I think it took me years to get across to my DH that if I do have depression, real clinical depression, it has nothing to do with him anymore that if I got cancer. And I just get in some funks, not the full blown depression I had before I met him. Just support him in seeing the therapist and taking medications if he goes that route.

The one caveat I do have, and it doesn't sound like this is the issue, is this does not give him the right to blame you for his illness. He also should be mindful, but not over run with guilt, on the burden the illness places on the family.

[ShanaMama]

:hug: This sounds really tough.

My DH doesn't suffer from depression, but he definitely lives in his own head a lot, so I can sympathize with not really understanding what he is going through. I think the best thing is for your DH to stay in therapy, and for you to make sure that he knows that you are open to talk whenever he wants. I have to stop myself from getting frustrated with DH, because he completely shuts down when I ask him what is going on, but he will come to me on his own to work through problems.

Also, I would recommend individual therapy for you, so that you have a neutral party that you can talk to about this and work through any issues that come up in his therapy. If he is suffering from depression it will be a big drain on your entire family.
My DH is a lot like this. I am the best friend he has but sometimes I have no idea what's going on in his head. He doesn't just share every thought that occurs to him.
Op, please don't take it personally. He can have everything going for him & still be depressed. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong & you shouldn't change to try & compensate. Would he be ok with you joining one of the therapy sessions? This way you could get some clarity & coping tips as well.
Keep in mind that it sometimes takes a few tries to find the right therapist, so if he doesn't feel like its helping him, encourage him to try someone else.

[Indianamom2]

Depression isn't about being upset with someone or some aspect of your life. It's a mood disorder caused by a chemical imbalance. You need to think of it as like being diabetic, not that he is sad or upset with you. Depressive episodes may be associated with a trigger, but sometimes there is no trigger. Some people are just genetically predisposed to depression and mood disorders.

He is absolutely doing the right thing by seeing a mental health professional. He may need medication (short or long term) to help him stabilize his mood.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/what-is-depression.shtml

:yeahthat: x's 1000

My Dh went through this a few years ago (would cry a lot) and it was really getting bad. I knew in his case that it was depression as he had struggled with it and has a long family history. However he had to stop taking his antidepressant suddenly due to some potential serious side effects and trying to sort out what was causing them and it sent him into the worst tailspin I've ever seen for him. I was truly scared and even the kids were starting to notice. He knew what was happening, yet couldn't control it. When he was finally able to get back on medicine, he was like a different person. Well, not really, but he was just back to being the stable dad and husband that we love.

I know how hard it is and the fact that your DH is willing to go to counseling is a HUGE step in the right direction. But sometimes it does take more than just talking to get things back on track, so a trip to the regular doctor would be a good idea too. :hug:

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Depression isn't about being upset with someone or some aspect of your life. It's a mood disorder caused by a chemical imbalance. You need to think of it as like being diabetic, not that he is sad or upset with you. Depressive episodes may be associated with a trigger, but sometimes there is no trigger. Some people are just genetically predisposed to depression and mood disorders.

He is absolutely doing the right thing by seeing a mental health professional. He may need medication (short or long term) to help him stabilize his mood.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/what-is-depression.shtml

:yeahthat:

i went through depression last summer after starting to wean DD (prior to that i had been pregnant and/or nursing for 3 years straight). dh had a hard time dealing with it, as he would take it really personally...e.g. i must be sad because he must not be doing enough to help me, and he was failing at something somehow. So many times I wanted to SCREAM at him that this was not it at all. I had an illness. Not something that would be cured by him working harder or by doing this or that for me. It was much more helpful for him when he finally realized this.

I ended up seeing a doctor and taking Lexapro (for anxiety as well, since i had that too) and it helped tremendously. I felt like a different person, like i could actually enjoy my life.

[khalloc]

The medication thing worries me. He tends to have an addictive personality. He takes lorazepam for anxiety. It started out for flying purposes and he's slowly taken it more and more. And pills like that really screw him up. He's not himself when he takes it and he's totally out of it and off in la la land. I don't think his immediate family has any depression issues either. The med thing worries me I guess. I hope he gets enough help just talking with a counselor I guess.

[ged]

The medication thing worries me. He tends to have an addictive personality. He takes lorazepam for anxiety. It started out for flying purposes and he's slowly taken it more and more. And pills like that really screw him up. He's not himself when he takes it and he's totally out of it and off in la la land. I don't think his immediate family has any depression issues either. The med thing worries me I guess. I hope he gets enough help just talking with a counselor I guess.

I can understand why you would not want him on too much medication, but it may be the best option (depending of course on the diagnosis/Doctor/etc). Lorazepam really knocks someone out, while other meds. will not be as noticeable. Lorazepam is designed to be fast acting to quell the feeling in that moment, whereas others he may need to take will not be the same; rather, for general mood stability and will not make him a total zombie, if taken at the right dosage. However, finding the right med/dosage is all about trial and error, and it may take months before your family feels like all is "OK" again. Hang in there. Not easy for you, at all. Feel free to PM me anytime.

[egoldber]

Lorazepam (Ativan) is not meant to be taken frequently. He would probably benefit from taking a daily, maintenance dose of an SSRI like Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro, etc.

I was HIGHLY resistant to meds for older DD's anxiety and mild depression, but seriously Prozac has changed her life. Like a PP, she said it makes it so that her mind is calm instead of always buzzing with worries. She spent two years in CBT but was not able to actually use the tools because she couldn't be calm enough to apply the tools she was learning in therapy.

It did take two meds and about 8 weeks to find the right med and then another few months to tweak the dose to the right level.

[daisyd]

I can understand why you would not want him on too much medication, but it may be the best option (depending of course on the diagnosis/Doctor/etc). Lorazepam really knocks someone out, while other meds. will not be as noticeable. Lorazepam is designed to be fast acting to quell the feeling in that moment, whereas others he may need to take will not be the same; rather, for general mood stability and will not make him a total zombie, if taken at the right dosage. However, finding the right med/dosage is all about trial and error, and it may take months before your family feels like all is "OK" again. Hang in there. Not easy for you, at all. Feel free to PM me anytime.

:yeahthat:

[khalloc]

Thanks for the advice. its nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing this either with their spouse or themselves. The person he is seeing now is just a counselor. I dont think she can prescribe medication. He's only seen her once though I believe he has another appointment today. She said that she wanted to see him one more time (today) before really commenting on anything. Or at least that was how he relayed it to me.

How often should he be seeing her? Is once a week enough? I feel like maybe he should amp it up for a month or so and then maybe cut back to once a week? Or is once a week pretty standard? I just wish he would not be so sad out of the blue. It started with him being very mopey and soft spoken for like 2 weeks. Then in the past 1-2 weeks I've seen him be pretty normal most of the time. Like laughing and acting like he regularly would.

The other wierd thing is he stopped eating. He dropped like 25 pounds in 4 weeks. He's trying to eat more now. But he always has an upset stomach. He's always been like this but it seems his upset stomachs are constant now. I think he probably has IBS and just never tells the doctor how bad it is.

[daisyd]

Lorazepam (Ativan) is not meant to be taken frequently. He would probably benefit from taking a daily, maintenance dose of an SSRI like Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro, etc.

I was HIGHLY resistant to meds for older DD's anxiety and mild depression, but seriously Prozac has changed her life. Like a PP, she said it makes it so that her mind is calm instead of always buzzing with worries. She spent two years in CBT but was not able to actually use the tools because she couldn't be calm enough to apply the tools she was learning in therapy.

It did take two meds and about 8 weeks to find the right med and then another few months to tweak the dose to the right level.

Exactly this. Depression and anxiety are intertwined and one can worsen the other. Its hard to engage in therapy and learn skills in the midst of severe depression. In this scenario meds and therapy complement each other.

FWIW, antidepressants don't tend to be addicting. They also help with anxiety generally. It may be possible to do meds and therapy short-term and then take off meds and do only therapy.

Another vote for checking with a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist to rule out medical causes of depression like thyroid issues. It may be worthwhile to do this soonest, before his symptoms start affecting his parenting and before it becomes noticeable at work.

On a separate note, if you think your DH may be addicted to the Lorazepam, it requires treatment in itself.

Hugs, this is incredibly hard on the entire family. P & PT for your DH and family.

[daisyd]

Just saw your most recent post. Weekly therapy is common although more frequent and biweekly therapy is also done. The frequency and length of sessions (30 mins vs 1 hour) are unfortunately dictated by insurance (unless you pay out of pocket) and not only by the need of the patient.

[pinkmomagain]

The other wierd thing is he stopped eating. He dropped like 25 pounds in 4 weeks. He's trying to eat more now. But he always has an upset stomach. He's always been like this but it seems his upset stomachs are constant now. I think he probably has IBS and just never tells the doctor how bad it is.

I would get him to a physician and accompany him to the appointment ASAP. A depressed person can have physical pains and changes in appetite, but 25 lbs weight loss in a month sounds pretty significant and I would want to rule out any all physical causes before assuming it's psychologically based.

[egoldber]

The other wierd thing is he stopped eating. He dropped like 25 pounds in 4 weeks. He's trying to eat more now. But he always has an upset stomach. He's always been like this but it seems his upset stomachs are constant now. I think he probably has IBS and just never tells the doctor how bad it is.

This is very common with depression and anxiety. Weight loss is a common symptom of depression. Stomach upset is a classic anxiety symptom.

Older DD sees a therapist at varying intervals, weekly at times and monthly at others depending on her needs. She also sees a psychiatrist for medication management. The therapist never mentioned meds to us, I asked her about them. For awhile she (therapist) thought we could help her without meds and it is worth trying for awhile. But if there is no improvement, then meds are the next best course.

If the primary issue is depression vs. anxiety, then meds are more likely to be most helpful. If anxiety is primary, then therapy alone can be very effective, but generally a goal based therapy like CBT vs. "talk therapy".

http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm

ETA: With all his physical symptoms combined with the depression/mood, I definitely second pinkmom's suggestion of a physician visit ASAP.

[Indianamom2]

I agree with others that I think it would be really wise to seek out a medical doctor right now. Likely the weight loss is related to anxiety/depression, but it is a lot to lose in one month which either means he's REALLY worried/depressed maybe more than either of you realizes or there's something else physical going on like a thyroid issue (which can also cause depression/anxiety/weight loss).

Also, I can understand your fears about the meds and addiction, but I think the commonly used SSRI's aren't truly addictive. Dh and I have taken most of the popular ones between us and haven't been addicted at all. They take some weaning off, but they're not addictive per se.

[cindys]

Well, I may not be the right person to chime in here but some of your DHs signs were some things I saw in my DH...

He was quiet alot, he slept alot, he seemed depressed, he started losing weight and was always popping antacids because his stomach bothered him...

I thought it was because he was getting frustrated because we had been house hunting for months with no luck and it was starting to bother not just him but me.

And then, out of the blue he said he wasnt happy and didnt get to hang out with his friends, go golfing or hunting enough..He said he had "lost himself"...

Weeks later he was gone...moved out and never looked back.

I am saying this to you so that you can make sure this isnt anything he is struggling with because of your marriage and if it is then hopefully you can get help together or seperately..

There were so many other things that also happened but I will spare everyone the gory details.

I am so sorry you are going thru this, its a hard situtation to be in, when you want to help but yet feel helpless.

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...21, 6 & 4 :heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat:

[khalloc]

Well today DH had his 2nd appointment with the therapist. She wants to start seeing him twice a week. And she wants him to go to his doctor with his stomach issues and ask about getting on an antidepressant. She said he could take something to get him thru the winter and until they make more progress with therapy. I guess that doesn't sound so bad. He seemed better today. He ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, the he said he had a nutrigrain bar later in the morning and he even ate some of the pasta I made for the kids tonight.

he's always been able to easily curb his appetite and lose weight quickly. He is 6' and if he doesn't watch his weight he can be 225 or so. So when he stops eating or drinking beer he can drop pounds very easily. He did just have a physical in January. But he will go back soon and talk to the doc again.

Cindys - I hope my DH doesn't do what yours did. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't on my mind though. But he assures me it's not. W do have issues we need to work on though. He feels I don't pay enough attention to him. I don't make enough effort to do things he likes in bed, yadda yadda...I'm trying to be better.

[Jupiter]

I think the hardest thing for the significant other of a person with depression is accepting that the depression has nothing to do with them or anything they can really control.

Medication is not the worst thing in the world. I was scared to death to take medication but it has improved my life a million times over. Talk therapy is also important and might be something you should both go to.

Hope this heled I have a newborn and haven't slept well. so I tried to just get the important points

[Jupiter]

W do have issues we need to work on though. He feels I don't pay enough attention to him. I don't make enough effort to do things he likes in bed, yadda yadda...I'm trying to be better.

Sometimes people with depression blame others because they don't understand themselves how they can be so sad for no reason. I have blamed many people for thing. Till I realized it wasn't them, it was me. It's a very difficult situation, you are in my thoughts.