Mom politics at preschool - WWYD?

[twotimesblue]

Last week we found out that DS has been accepted into the 'hot ticket' preschool. We couldn't quite believe it, as it has an incredible reputation and gets over 1000 applications a year for only 8-10 places. We had already accepted a place at a smaller, more 'low key' preschool but decided that given how great the 'hot ticket' place (preschool 'A') is - the director has written many books and is regarded as one of the authorities on the Reggio Emilia philosophy - that we should forfeit the small deposit we paid to preschool B and accept the new offer. We were delighted to learn that two of DS's friends, who he's known since he was 5 months old, will be in his class at preschool A, and that also influenced our decision.
Anyway... today I find out that another mom I know has had her son accepted into preschool A, too. I really don't get on with this mom at all and she is less than friendly to me. It all stems from an incident two years ago, when DS1 was being a colicky, difficult, sleep-refusing infant. This mom insisted that I try her method of 'cry it out' sleep training. She sent her nanny to my house with the book and called me several times to see if I was following through with it.
DH and I, desperate as we were, tried her method for one night and decided it was totally the wrong thing for us. DS1 was distraught and so were we, so I told this mom that we were not going to pursue the CIO method (after thanking her for the book etc etc). She then launched into a diatribe about how I was failing my son by not seeing this method through; how if I truly loved him then I would use this technique to help him sleep: I was shocked at her reaction, and she pretty much started ignoring me from that point forward. It has been very awkward between us ever since: I saw her at a birthday party last weekend and congratulated her on her pregnancy; she was very unfriendly.
Things are complicated by the fact that she is super wealthy, with a semi-famous DH. The other two moms who will be sending their kids to preschool A are very nice, but they are both awe-struck by the CIO mom and pander to her because of her perceived status etc.

The long and the short of it is - will the awkwardness with CIO mom negatively affect my experience with preschool A? I know DS1 will do great at either this school or our original choice. It seems crazy but part of me is thinking of switching him back to preschool B (we still have that option for another week) to avoid the potential drama. Preschool A requires a lot of parent involvement and participation, something I was looking forward to before, but now it fills me with mild dread as I really don't want to hang with this mom at all.
WWYD?

[ShanaMama]

Yikes. Does she have more influence in the school because of her star status? I'm pretty sure I recall a few threads where schools weren't addressing pp issues because o other wealthy parents. I think you have a valid concern. Proceed with caution.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I don't think it will be an issue unless you make it one. You know now that she's opinionated...you can just keep conversations on neutral subjects or just nod along with her theories on the world. She should have had more tact but I think you are giving her too much consideration. :) There are always going to be people that rub you wrong but you can't change plans for them. Who knows? Maybe time has mellowed her too. I was a lot more certain in my parenting when ds1 was young (and a good sleeper and nurser). I was darned sure I knew better than other people and am happy some people stuck with me despite probably being a know it all.

But, all that said, preschool B sounds lovely. I would consider B.

[edurnemk]

I wouldn't switch schools based only on this. it's just one mom. You will meet many others and make more friends. And other moms will probably grow tired of CIO mom eventually since she's such a controlling, nosy person.

You will find obnoxios and know-it-all parents in every school, so just learn to smile and nod, and ignore their comments. Don't let them stress you out or affect your decisions.

[barkley1]

Will your DS be in her DC's class all the years of preschool, or just this one? If it's just this one, I don't think I'd be able to pass up the opportunity at Preschool A. But, that's just me...I have the flawed thinking sometimes that just b/c something's more exclusive or harder to get, it's better, but that's certainly not always true. You need to do what's best for you and DS...in the end, that's what's better.

Also, if you tried Preschool A and the mom was a PITA, could you go to preschool B next year? I know it's hard to get into as they get older, and you may feel as if you've burned a bridge since you've already given a deposit on it....but maybe not!

[mommylamb]

She sounds super insecure about her parenting philosophy. I mean why should she care if you didn't find sleep training to work. Every family and baby is different.

I think you should just ignore her.

[chozen]

Last yr. when dd was getting ready for preschool we passed on what looked like the best school in the area(the one all the richy rich were attending) and decided to go with the low key school it was for sure the best choice for us. A lot less pressure much more layed back which has been great!

[maestramommy]

I think it could go either way, but I am a little biased, so my disclaimer is unless you know for a fact that a preschool really sucks for substantive reasons I don't buy into the notion of "top notch" preschools. Which is my roundabout way of saying I could easily see myself going with preschool B. I'd say IF you have good reason to think this mom is going to be very influential at the school I'd go with preschool B. If however you think she's just a snooty beeyotch it shouldn't matter if the other moms fawn on her. I don't think it will have any bearing on your DS's friendship with their boys. Yes, volunteering at the school might be awkward at first but you can also kill her with kindness and not let her get to you at all. Your DS has just as much right to be there as her kid.

[TwinFoxes]

I would go with the preschool that's best for your DS. I just don't get involved in drama. It's what, two years? And really only 18 months are in school. If she really goes around telling people "if you really love your child you'd..." She won't have many friends (or teeth) for long.

[crl]

You never know there might be someone even more obnoxious at the other school. Go where you think your kid will be happiest.

Catherine

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I think it could go either way, but I am a little biased, so my disclaimer is unless you know for a fact that a preschool really sucks for substantive reasons I don't buy into the notion of "top notch" preschools. Which is my roundabout way of saying I could easily see myself going with preschool B. I'd say IF you have good reason to think this mom is going to be very influential at the school I'd go with preschool B. If however you think she's just a snooty beeyotch it shouldn't matter if the other moms fawn on her. I don't think it will have any bearing on your DS's friendship with their boys. Yes, volunteering at the school might be awkward at first but you can also kill her with kindness and not let her get to you at all. Your DS has just as much right to be there as her kid.

:yeahthat: exactly this, to all of it. i personally don't buy into the notion of "top-notch" preschools, and probably would choose preschool B just because i'd less likely have to deal with political crap brought on by snobs like this mom you're describing. However, as PP pointed out, you could easily end up having to deal with an obnoxious parent at ANY school you go to, so i wouldn't let her be the deciding factor. i would go where you think your dc would be most comfortable and would thrive. if he wants to go to the same school as his friends then by all means i'd totally send him there.

and can i just say i'm just shocked at how crazy and insecure this mama sounds. i just don't get how your baby crying was any of her business...she wasn't the one to deal with it. it sounds like she was extremely insecure about her parenting, and still is, given you say she gives you the cold shoulder even years later. i would have no issue brushing people like that off, though i'd be annoyed if my other friends looked up to her or were afraid to stand up to her. that sounds so 7th-gradey and would have me wanting to shop for new friends. bleh.

[belovedgandp]

You never know there might be someone even more obnoxious at the other school. Go where you think your kid will be happiest.

Catherine

Absolutely! The three ladies you know going into the school year are not the only parents at the school. If it is a good fit for your kid then go and see who else is there.

[bisous]

I don't know. That's tough. I was pretty thin-skinned when DS1 was a preschooler. He was a very, very difficult child and got lots of disdainful looks and comments from other moms. It was really hard for me. I think now, though, that I wouldn't be nearly as bothered and would just roll with it. I think you ultimately have to determine how bad this would be for you!

I do think you should decide what is best for your child and go with that. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the "desirable" preschool has the snobbier parents. I have three children and we've been at (I'm almost embarrassed to say) 8 schools. Of those, the "richest" districts were not the places where we had the problem. The middle class preschool had the snobbiest moms by far. And really it was only two moms.

[larig]

The long and the short of it is - will the awkwardness with CIO mom negatively affect my experience with preschool A? I know DS1 will do great at either this school or our original choice. It seems crazy but part of me is thinking of switching him back to preschool B (we still have that option for another week) to avoid the potential drama. Preschool A requires a lot of parent involvement and participation, something I was looking forward to before, but now it fills me with mild dread as I really don't want to hang with this mom at all.
WWYD?

As a learning scientist in my pre-kid life, I'm fascinated by Reggio preschools, and think they sound wonderful. My colleagues who have observed or had kids in them love them. So, knowing A is Reggio, I'd be inclined to make it work.

That said, my understanding of Reggio is that it does indeed require a great deal of parental involvement, but I don't know that it requires parental involvement with other parents, or if it is apart from others? Certainly you are supposed to work with the staff, I know, but perhaps less so with the other parents. Can you find that out?

[twotimesblue]

The mom in question is pretty insecure. She is young (in her mid-20s), attractive and her DH (the semi-famous one) is around 30 years older. She definitely has a chip on her shoulder about being seen as a 'trophy wife'.

I'm not sure how much influence she'll have on the school as there are quite a few wealthy families that attend - there are dozens on full 'scholarships' too, though, and the director is very big on diversity. Neither myself or the other two moms I know are attending are anything close to well-off, and even though it is a private preschool the vibe is more like a public school, with a very diverse mix of ethnicities and socio-economic backgrounds, male as well as female teachers etc. We live in a high COL area (that we can barely afford to stay in!) and I have been told that the director isn't impressed by wealth, she likes the parents that pitch in and help with the school - everyone is expected to volunteer to shovel sand/sharpen pencils/paint the facility etc. There were a number of 'famous' kids that attended but the director banned celebrities as they were proving too distracting for the other families. I respect her for doing that and would never have sent DS if there was any chance paparazzi would be lurking outside the playground!

It is important to us that DS isn't only around privileged kids, especially as he will almost certainly be going to public school after this 2-year preschool program.

Both preschools are Reggio-based, and preschool B is lovely. Small, quaint and with a very warm director. Preschool A is very urban - in the centre of town - which was initially a turn-off but DS will LOVE the fact that he will get to bake cookies to sell at the farmer's market that takes place literally outside the school. There is also a chicken coop and a pirate ship in the playground and various things that I know DS would adore. That being said, he would be happy at preschool B, too - it is a sweet, 'safe' school, with a great reputation. We agonized over losing our deposit for preschool B but were finally comfortable with our decision to switch - then I find out this crazy mom will be going, too, and it has definitely made me second-guess our new choice. The excitement has definitely gone!:cry:

[niccig]

Choose best school for your child and your family.

Ignore the insecure mom. Smile, say hello, keep conversation to superficial topics. Make friends with other families.

[citymama]

You never know there might be someone even more obnoxious at the other school. Go where you think your kid will be happiest.

Catherine

:yeahthat: choose the school you like most. As long as she's not the preschool teacher, you'll be fine with school A. It's not about the moms, it's about the kids.

She sounds obnoxious beyond belief! The problem with so-called prestigious A list schools is they attract A list snobs who tend to be annoying too. But if the school is so fabulous, they will know well how to deal with these moms and not let their personalities affect the classroom. My DD1 went to a Reggio Emilia preschool and we were very happy with it. DD2 is going to more of a B list school, and surprisingly, we're pretty happy with it too!

[dogmom]

I think it depends on some things. How badly do you want to go to top-notch preschool? How is your area in general? Will this be a sign of things to come? If so, you might just want to jump into the shark pool now and get it over with. The only advice I have is smile and kill them with kindness. Don't be fake, but don't get drawn in, and act how you would want your kids to see you act. I find these situations tend to pan out in the end and people are seen for what they are. If the school is that good whatever this Mom does should not reflect on your child. Also I find these situations great times to check on my internal prejudices and make sure there is no chip on my shoulder I'm balancing, even a small one, and be a better person for it.

[MamaMolly]

Meh. I'm sure that Mommy Drive By will continue on her wrath but I really wouldn't worry about it. She'll Godzilla her way through the preschool and enjoy the rewards of her well earned reputation.

I'd kill her with kindness. Deeply insecure people are easy to deal with. Agree with them (it shuts them up) and then ignore them and do what you want.

[lil_acorn]

I would kill the CIO mom with kindness and choose the school that is best for your child.

But I am dying to know who this semi-famous DH is....

[Nooknookmom]

Last week we found out that DS has been accepted into the 'hot ticket' preschool. We couldn't quite believe it, as it has an incredible reputation and gets over 1000 applications a year for only 8-10 places. We had already accepted a place at a smaller, more 'low key' preschool but decided that given how great the 'hot ticket' place (preschool 'A') is - the director has written many books and is regarded as one of the authorities on the Reggio Emilia philosophy - that we should forfeit the small deposit we paid to preschool B and accept the new offer. We were delighted to learn that two of DS's friends, who he's known since he was 5 months old, will be in his class at preschool A, and that also influenced our decision.
Anyway... today I find out that another mom I know has had her son accepted into preschool A, too. I really don't get on with this mom at all and she is less than friendly to me. It all stems from an incident two years ago, when DS1 was being a colicky, difficult, sleep-refusing infant. This mom insisted that I try her method of 'cry it out' sleep training. She sent her nanny to my house with the book and called me several times to see if I was following through with it.
DH and I, desperate as we were, tried her method for one night and decided it was totally the wrong thing for us. DS1 was distraught and so were we, so I told this mom that we were not going to pursue the CIO method (after thanking her for the book etc etc). She then launched into a diatribe about how I was failing my son by not seeing this method through; how if I truly loved him then I would use this technique to help him sleep: I was shocked at her reaction, and she pretty much started ignoring me from that point forward. It has been very awkward between us ever since: I saw her at a birthday party last weekend and congratulated her on her pregnancy; she was very unfriendly.
Things are complicated by the fact that she is super wealthy, with a semi-famous DH. The other two moms who will be sending their kids to preschool A are very nice, but they are both awe-struck by the CIO mom and pander to her because of her perceived status etc.

The long and the short of it is - will the awkwardness with CIO mom negatively affect my experience with preschool A? I know DS1 will do great at either this school or our original choice. It seems crazy but part of me is thinking of switching him back to preschool B (we still have that option for another week) to avoid the potential drama. Preschool A requires a lot of parent involvement and participation, something I was looking forward to before, but now it fills me with mild dread as I really don't want to hang with this mom at all.
WWYD?

Life's too short to worry about that high school cr*p. I would walk in with my kid and my head held high and be polite to annoying mom & ENJOY my son and his short preschool moments. It's going to fly by, trust me. Don't let some snob ruin your time.

I think I would have stuck with school B....sounded more family oriented. I mean it is preschool, not high school.

Oh ad DD1 was a refluxer and screamed 24/7-been down that road too and all the recs of CIO I kicked to the curb too!

[brittone2]

I would choose the best fit for your family, period. I know that's easier said than done, however. I would try to not get sucked into the school's reputation and the "opportunity" unless I thought it was really the best fit. I think RE can be fantastic, but don't choose it just based off of it being highly desired. If I thought RE was the best fit for my DC, I would ignore the mommy drama and not let that get in the way of what was the best fit for my DC.

I agree that you can find moms exhibiting that type of behavior in lots of settings. I just act polite and then roll my eyes in private, or laugh with DH about some of the high school behavior some grown adults exhibit. We have that type of thing at DD's dance class...it makes for funny stories and texts to DH because they are so ridiculously amusing ;)

[cvanbrunt]

It's only politics/drama if you engage. If you think it really is unavoidable, then is a pirate ship worth it? It really is just pre-school. Your other option equivalent.

[infocrazy]

You never know there might be someone even more obnoxious at the other school. Go where you think your kid will be happiest.

Catherine

:yeahthat: and then hope her new DC helps her to understand babies do not read books on how they should sleep!

[mackmama]

I wouldn't switch schools based only on this. it's just one mom. You will meet many others and make more friends. And other moms will probably grow tired of CIO mom eventually since she's such a controlling, nosy person.

You will find obnoxios and know-it-all parents in every school, so just learn to smile and nod, and ignore their comments. Don't let them stress you out or affect your decisions.

Yeah that. This mom's behavior is unfortunate, but I wouldn't let her sway you away from preschool A.

[Corie]

But I am dying to know who this semi-famous DH is....



Me too!! :)

[TxCat]

If you think your DS would be equally happy at either school, I think I'd go for the more low-key school, to make life easier on myself. This woman is oreads diminishing your enthusiasm for the school - it might be a real PITA for 2 years. If you think DS will be happier at school A, then look at this as a lesson for how to deal with obnoxious parents you might encounter for the next 14 years or so.