Has your child ever broken your heart?

[BigDog]

My oldest DS is 5. I also have a 2yr old DS and Im pregnant with a third DS. My 5 yr old has really been exhibiting a lot of anxiety and fears and I do my best to help him but sometimes my patience as a mother fails me. I've also realized that he must feel so must pressure in his role as big brother, and I'm sure I sometimes (unintentionally) add to that. When we told him months ago that he was going to have another little brother he responded with "but I really want a big brother", and that's when it really hit me how much pressure we must put on him.

Anyhow, today I yelled at him so many times for pushing DS2. I finally lost it when he pushed him again in the bathtub tonight and DS2 fell over. I yelled at him so much, told him he couldn't watch tv tomorrow and then said the Easter bunny wasn't going to bring him anything. In the end we were both crying. After calming down and talking to him, he broke down and told me that he didn't think he was special. It hit me like a brick and the tears just started pouring out of my eyes. I'm so broken hearted. I feel like I failed as a mother. And I just can't stop crying. I never ever want any of my children to feel like they're not special. :(

[Katigre]

Do you know his love language?

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[twowhat?]

Awwww, just wanted to send hugs!!! You had a rough day.

[wellyes]

I'm so sorry. I have 2 about that age and they can wear me down so much. Add being pregnant and it's much harder, I'm sure.

Every mom has a bad day. Your son knows how much you love him. Don't focus on the worst, tomorrow is another day.

[lmh2402]

Do you know his love language?

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interesting...how can you assess this in a young kid? (is that a dumb question? i see mention of the love language thing in marital threads, but i really don't know how it is determined.)

OP, yes. i can really relate. my DS has been having a mighty struggle for what seems like forever... and when he starts sobbing and crying that he wants me to be happy. that he wants himself to be happy. really there is nothing more painful.

i'm sorry you're having such a tough day. :hug:, mama. your DS knows you love him. i'm sure of it. but i really do understand how your heart is breaking

[BigDog]

Do you know his love language?

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I have no idea what this even means! Where can I find out what his love language is and how can I use that to help him?

[queenmama]

I have no idea what this even means! Where can I find out what his love language is and how can I use that to help him?

Judging by what you've said, he might be Words of Affirmation, so you need to be extra careful about criticizing and heap on the praise when he earns it!

I know there is a book for kids, you can check Gary Chapman's website.


Lara

[lalasmama]

Kids have love languages--what makes them feel loved--just like adults. There's a book. Some love languages are things like physical touch, quality time, gifts, etc.

My DD, no doubt, is physical touch. When she needs love, she climbs up and burrows in, and it doesn't stop until her "love bank" is filled again.

[Myira]

:hug: mama. It has definitely happened to me, my DD constantly is testing the limits. Just last weekend, she was trying my patience when we had to go on a playdate for her and then when I threatened to call it off, she told me "mama please take me, X will never call me for a playdate to her house again she will instead call another girl Y". Those words from her mouth just broke my heart for her, especially since she has self esteem issues and is very sensitive already. I cried and she cried and then we went and had a wonderful playdate and she was an angel for a few hours!

Didn't mean to go off on a tangent, but I completely understand what you are going through.

[citymama]

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I'd like to tell you you're not all alone. I'm exasperated a lot of the time with DD1. I sometimes threaten dire things (last week I said "no birthday party!" what???) knowing full well they are ridiculous. Sometimes your back is pushed against a wall and you say or do things you know you shouldn't. It happens to all of us. You are wise to realize the consequences but don't beat yourself up. It has broken my heart when we've been in a similar situation and DD says "I know you don't love me" - makes me want to cry. But overall, we are doing ok. Showing lots of love when you can is really important - cuddles and snuggles and special time together, knowing there will be some regrettable moments when you or he aren't able to measure your words. Hang in there. :grouphug:

[magnoliaparadise]

I am so sorry. I have a 5 year old and 17 month old and totally hear you. One thing that might help if you want him to feel special - besides time and a date with him, which always helps with my DD1 - when my mother's friend came, she started calmly singing this chant that was something like
'Mama loves DD1, Mama loves DD1, Mama loves DD1, she's a spe - cial girl.' and then "Nana loves DD1... etc. and then she'd start adding names, and asked my DD1 for her friends to add. (It's a song, but you can make up your own tune - the important thing is the words and the lullaby-like continuous quality).
I looked at them and thought that my mother's friend was insane and that my DD1 would roll her eyes, but before I knew it, my DD1 was cuddled into my mom's friend like a baby and quiet and listening... and I realized that she just really needs to hear that people love her, even though I rarely do (besides telling her that I love her myself) because I assume that she knows it.
Now, sometimes when she is being wild or when she is going to sleep, I will sing this chant/song to her and it can go on for a bit of time honestly and she just seems to really settle. I would NEVER have believed it myself. I am amazed by it.

[BigDog]

Just wanted to thank everyone for all the kind words, support and advice. Your suggestions are really helpful. Today's a new day and I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with DS1 and hopefully making him realize how special he truly is.

[Momit]

Hugs, OP - and glad to see your most recent post! I can definitely relate and have had many parenting moments I wish I could take back. You are doing a good thing by starting fresh today.

I want to echo investigating the Love Language thing. I had read about it here but was a little skeptical. I finally got the book on my Kindle and read it, and wow - it makes so much sense! I told DH all about it, and while he hasn't read the book, he read a bunch of articles online and found a quiz we both took to confirm what we suspected were our own, and each other's, love languages. They explain it like this - you can spend a lot of time showing what you think is love to another person, but if you are not doing it in their "love language" it's as if you're speaking Chinese for 20 minutes to a person who only speaks English. They may know you were trying to tell them something but they won't know what it is. So if you keep saying "I love you! You're special!" to a kid whose love language is actually quality time, it may not have the same effect as if you give them your undivided attention and sit down to do a puzzle together. It's good stuff.