If you do Evites for birthday parties.....do you expect siblings to attend?

[AnnieW625]

or request for siblings?

Siblings seem to show up at birthday parties where Evites are sent out. A few times I have been asked where is DD2? Today she had her gym class at the same time as a party DD1 was invited to, but it seems like more often than not one or two siblings show up to a party and I am always asked where is DD2? (when I have left her at home because she was not invited as I was always taught that is the proper thing to do).

[sarahsthreads]

When I use evite for kids parties I use the parents' email address, but create the name for the contact as the child's first name & last initial. In the case of sibling pairs that we are intentionally inviting both, it's first_name1 & first_name2 last_initial.

I would assume anyone old enough to have children must know by this point in their lives that only the person/people named on the invitation are invited. I'm guessing most of them have sent out or received wedding invitations at some point in the past, which are generally on the formal end of the etiquette spectrum.

I would never, ever bring an uninvited sibling to a party, no matter what the method of invitation was. An evite does't imply an open house, it's just a speedier way of getting party information out to people than a paper invite.

Sarah :)

[twotimesblue]

I think it really depends on the age of the siblings. DS is not quite 3, so all his friends' siblings are babies or young toddlers (2 or under). I always assume that the young sibling will come to DS's parties/playdates because I don't think the parent should have to pay a sitter in order to bring the older DC out. That said, I can see bringing older sibs would be problematic if the party is at a venue that charges per head.

[crl]

I would never assume a younger sibling is invited regardless of the method of invitation. I have had people contact me about bringing siblings and have always said yes as it has never been a problem for us. I have also specifically invited siblings for some parties.

Catherine

[Globetrotter]

When I use evite for kids parties I use the parents' email address, but create the name for the contact as the child's first name & last initial. In the case of sibling pairs that we are intentionally inviting both, it's first_name1 & first_name2 last_initial.

I would assume anyone old enough to have children must know by this point in their lives that only the person/people named on the invitation are invited. I'm guessing most of them have sent out or received wedding invitations at some point in the past, which are generally on the formal end of the etiquette spectrum.

:yeahthat:

[citymama]

I'm grappling with this myself! DDs 7th bday party is a week away.

As a guest, I usually take only the invited child or ask if it's ok to bring siblings (unless the Evite specifies that it is). In general, I always set Evite options so parents can specify the number of kids/adults.

But I find most parents assume it's ok to bring siblings without asking. At playground parties this may be fine (although not if the host is expected to provide favors for all your kids). But not in all settings.

In the past, we've always welcomed siblings - this one is intended as a playdate with a few good friends and the invite was worded that way. DDs Evite states clearly it is a small party, in our home, you're welcome to drop off your child (not children). I need to have enough of the craft activity for every kid so please RSVP. Well, the rsvps say things like: "Lizzie and her sister Jane are excited to attend!" but Jane is 4, and all the other kids are 7. The craft requires some skill. And I ordered enough for the invited kids but not their sibs! Ugh. It's too late to order more of the same (from Oriental Trading) but I'm going to get some simpler crafts (and favors) from Joanns to have on hand for the sibs I know will show up!

[niccig]

Some people assume, some people ask.
Lately I've seen people say right on the invite "Siblings welcome" or "Due to space constraints, we can't accomodate siblings."

There's no wrong answer, just let people know.

[chozen]

I'm grappling with this myself! DDs 7th bday party is a week away.

As a guest, I usually take only the invited child or ask if it's ok to bring siblings (unless the Evite specifies that it is). In general, I always set Evite options so parents can specify the number of kids/adults.

But I find most parents assume it's ok to bring siblings without asking. At playground parties this may be fine (although not if the host is expected to provide favors for all your kids). But not in all settings.

In the past, we've always welcomed siblings - this one is intended as a playdate with a few good friends and the invite was worded that way. DDs Evite states clearly it is a small party, in our home, you're welcome to drop off your child (not children). I need to have enough of the craft activity for every kid so please RSVP. Well, the rsvps say things like: "Lizzie and her sister Jane are excited to attend!" but Jane is 4, and all the other kids are 7. The craft requires some skill. And I ordered enough for the invited kids but not their sibs! Ugh. It's too late to order more of the same (from Oriental Trading) but I'm going to get some simpler crafts (and favors) from Joanns to have on hand for the sibs I know will show up!

I just think that is so rude of them! You specified enough on the invite. Wow.

[magnoliaparadise]

For my DD's 5 yo party, I used Evite. I would have used Paperless Post, which is more refined to the guest, but honestly, the Evite is set up and I know how to use it so easier for me.

We were at a venue that charged me for each additional child over 13. Not too much - $15 - but it adds up, blah blah blah.

Two guests asked to bring a sibling (one an older sibling) to participate and I said yes.

One guest asked at the last minute to bring a sibling and I said no because we had passed our max for kids at the venue and the gym had called.

Then at the last minute, two more families showed up with a younger sibling each. I was surprised that they hadn't asked. I would have!

And, on the other side, when I am a guest, even if DD2 is not invited, I do ask if my DD2 can come along with DD1 to birthday parties - for me, it is logistics and money - I don't have a partner to take DD2 so if I can't bring her I have to get a sitter and it is expensive and more time away from DD2. BUT I would never bring DD2 without asking and if I ask and the hosts say no, I completely understand.

If the hosts say that DD2 can come, I am very generous with my gift from DD1 and bring an extra gift from DD2 - and if I find out that the venue charged extra for DD2 (which hasn't happened yet because DD2 is only 17 months), I will insist on paying for her.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm grappling with this myself! DDs 7th bday party is a week away.

As a guest, I usually take only the invited child or ask if it's ok to bring siblings (unless the Evite specifies that it is). In general, I always set Evite options so parents can specify the number of kids/adults.

But I find most parents assume it's ok to bring siblings without asking. At playground parties this may be fine (although not if the host is expected to provide favors for all your kids). But not in all settings.

In the past, we've always welcomed siblings - this one is intended as a playdate with a few good friends and the invite was worded that way. DDs Evite states clearly it is a small party, in our home, you're welcome to drop off your child (not children). I need to have enough of the craft activity for every kid so please RSVP. Well, the rsvps say things like: "Lizzie and her sister Jane are excited to attend!" but Jane is 4, and all the other kids are 7. The craft requires some skill. And I ordered enough for the invited kids but not their sibs! Ugh. It's too late to order more of the same (from Oriental Trading) but I'm going to get some simpler crafts (and favors) from Joanns to have on hand for the sibs I know will show up!

Lizzie and Jane's mom just sounds rude and is instilling a fine sense of entitlement in her kids. Why deal with a four year old who is disappointed her sister is going to a party...just foist her on the host and make it the host's problem!

I'm with crl, I wouldn't bring a sibling no matter the invitation method. Trust me, I'm not looking forward to the first party where only on DD is invited, but it's just not fair to the host.

[jk3]

Not an issue here as it is expected that only the invited child attends. From time to time a family will ask to bring a sibling but it is rare.

[lhafer]

For my DD's 5 yo party, I used Evite. I would have used Paperless Post, which is more refined to the guest, but honestly, the Evite is set up and I know how to use it so easier for me.

We were at a venue that charged me for each additional child over 13. Not too much - $15 - but it adds up, blah blah blah.

Two guests asked to bring a sibling (one an older sibling) to participate and I said yes.

One guest asked at the last minute to bring a sibling and I said no because we had passed our max for kids at the venue and the gym had called.

Then at the last minute, two more families showed up with a younger sibling each. I was surprised that they hadn't asked. I would have!

And, on the other side, when I am a guest, even if DD2 is not invited, I do ask if my DD2 can come along with DD1 to birthday parties - for me, it is logistics and money - I don't have a partner to take DD2 so if I can't bring her I have to get a sitter and it is expensive and more time away from DD2. BUT I would never bring DD2 without asking and if I ask and the hosts say no, I completely understand.

If the hosts say that DD2 can come, I am very generous with my gift from DD1 and bring an extra gift from DD2 - and if I find out that the venue charged extra for DD2 (which hasn't happened yet because DD2 is only 17 months), I will insist on paying for her.

This is what I'm afraid is going to happen to me!

DD1s party is next week at a local gymnastics place. They told me that the party was for 1-15 guests, including the birthday kid. I had to send some invites through her teacher because I didn't have contact info for the parents. She wanted to add a few more people to the list a couple of days later. i called the gym and asked what they charge if we go over the 15 kid limit, because most places charge x amount of $ per kid over the limit.

Not this place! For the party with 1-15 kids (remember this includes the birthday kid) it's $175. For 16-30 kids, they charge $300! Whaaaa? So that means if I invite 13 kids (because kid 14 and 15 are my 2 kids....I can't really expect my 3 year not to go to her own sisters's party!), and someone brings a sibling, I will automatically have to pay $300. I don't understand why if my party list goes from 15-->16 or 17, that those 1-2 extra kids cost an additional $125! I unspderstand froma staffing perspective if 20+ kids show up, that's different. So DD1 was forced to cut 2 people from her list and I asked my best friend not to bring her younger daughter. Ugh.

I did not include on my paper invites siblings aren't included. It didn't cross my mind. So now I'm sweating bullets about it. Especially since the last 2 parties we've been to people brought older siblings. Would it be okay for me to email these parents now specifying only the invited kids can come? I wouldn't know how to word it.

I have a party next week that I may have to bring my older daughter to (the party is for my younger child). But I know the venue (a bounce house place), so parties aren't private, and I will pay the cost to bring an extra child...Becuase its x amount over the imit. And I will of course ask the host if thesis okay.

[billysmommy]

I've had people show up with siblings (both older and younger) at birthday parties without checking first and expecting them to participate. I've told them that unfortunately we're not able to accommodate them. A couple of parents have gotten upset at that and I've said that if we had advance notice we may have been able to make it work. It's always the same families that do this so I didn't feel bad. If it was a true change of plans (babysitter was sick, etc) I would let them participate if the numbers allowed but these families did it at all the parties in their class

[MamaMolly]

I also think it is dependent on the culture of where you are living. Here it is the norm to bring siblings even though they are not invited. I've had people bring kids they were babysitting, but at least that mom called first to check. Grandparents sometimes come too, but I don't worry about the extra adults like I do about the extra kids. Granny isn't expecting a goody bag!

Even though it is common here I'm not comfortable doing it, and I think it is OK for my kids to learn that there are going to be parties where one gets to go and the other doesn't. Neither of them particularly like it but that isn't the point. Luckily they are at that sweet age where they happily share the goody bag contents, which helps with hurt feelings.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Lhafer- I'd just email and say that due to staffing requirements at the gym, you can't accommodate siblings and to contact you if they have any questions. I think it's best to be straight forward, simple and honest. Hopefully people will get it.

Citymama- are these close family friends? I was just wondering b/c we have a set of friends that lives a little far away and us parents are the friends, not really the kids. So, all parties are family affairs. If not that situtation, I'd totally email back and say that, "Oh, I'm so sorry but due to the nature of the activity, the party is for the bigger kids. Jane is welcome to come for the last 30 minutes of the party for cake though [if you feel like offering that up]".

[MamaMolly]

This is what I'm afraid is going to happen to me!

DD1s party is next week at a local gymnastics place. They told me that the party was for 1-15 guests, including the birthday kid. I had to send some invites through her teacher because I didn't have contact info for the parents. She wanted to add a few more people to the list a couple of days later. i called the gym and asked what they charge if we go over the 15 kid limit, because most places charge x amount of $ per kid over the limit.

Not this place! For the party with 1-15 kids (remember this includes the birthday kid) it's $175. For 16-30 kids, they charge $300! Whaaaa? So that means if I invite 13 kids (because kid 14 and 15 are my 2 kids....I can't really expect my 3 year not to go to her own sisters's party!), and someone brings a sibling, I will automatically have to pay $300. I don't understand why if my party list goes from 15-->16 or 17, that those 1-2 extra kids cost an additional $125! I unspderstand froma staffing perspective if 20+ kids show up, that's different. So DD1 was forced to cut 2 people from her list and I asked my best friend not to bring her younger daughter. Ugh.

I did not include on my paper invites siblings aren't included. It didn't cross my mind. So now I'm sweating bullets about it. Especially since the last 2 parties we've been to people brought older siblings. Would it be okay for me to email these parents now specifying only the invited kids can come? I wouldn't know how to word it.

I have a party next week that I may have to bring my older daughter to (the party is for my younger child). But I know the venue (a bounce house place), so parties aren't private, and I will pay the cost to bring an extra child...Becuase its x amount over the imit. And I will of course ask the host if thesis okay.

For the party where you are bringing your older one, I think you'll get bonus points if you just do it before the host can get to it. ;) As a host I'd appreciate your offer but I wouldn't let you do it!

I think in the case of the gymnastics party you are FINE to send a reminder email (or a paper reminder on Monday) about the party, and just mention that due to space restrictions siblings can't be accommodated.

[Ceepa]

When you plan a party you are already working the number of invitees into the equation. When a parent brings another child or even asks, IMO, it sets up an awkward situation for all.

[citymama]

Citymama - are these close family friends? I was just wondering b/c we have a set of friends that lives a little far away and us parents are the friends, not really the kids. So, all parties are family affairs. If not that situtation, I'd totally email back and say that, "Oh, I'm so sorry but due to the nature of the activity, the party is for the bigger kids. Jane is welcome to come for the last 30 minutes of the party for cake though [if you feel like offering that up]".

All the guests in question are her school friends. She wanted to have an arts and crafts small party with her friends from school. That's why we set it up so we have enough adults to cover drop-offs (DH and I plus grandparents and aunt). I should have worded the invite differently, I guess.

[Globetrotter]

Not this place! For the party with 1-15 kids (remember this includes the birthday kid) it's $175. For 16-30 kids, they charge $300! Whaaaa

Whoa! That is nuts. I would definitely send out a message saying "DD is looking forward to celebrating with her friends. She is excited that your girls can make it! Parents are welcome to stay or drop off but unfortunately, due to strict space limitations at the gym, we cannot accommodate siblings. "

This year I had one parent offer to pay for her older sibling to attend. I was under the limit so I told her not to worry about it. One time we were at the limit and it was a drop off party. One of the moms dropped off her kid but the older sister was there, and she was upset that she didn't get to stay. I didn't offer as we were at the limit and I would have to pay extra and, frankly, I thought she was being a bit obnoxious. I can understand a preschooler being upset, but not a nine year old! Oh, that was the time that my friend's dh brought his invited kid and their two older cousins! Not only was I not informed (um, no party favors for them, obviously) but he just walked in with them and never said a word about it. They come from an ethnic group that is known for large parties, probably all done at home, so I know it was partly cultural but I thought it was weird. At least I can understand the sibling thing. I guess they must have had the cousins over that weekend.

[Globetrotter]

All the guests in question are her school friends. She wanted to have an arts and crafts small party with her friends from school. That's why we set it up so we have enough adults to cover drop-offs (DH and I plus grandparents and aunt). I should have worded the invite differently, I guess.

I have learned to say upfront "Sorry, but we cannot accommodate siblings." It's a little trickier if it's at home and you can't blame it on the venue :) I think your guests are just used to having family parties, but that changes as they get older. Now, in our close circle, the assumption is no siblings.

I would just let it go this time, but from now onwards just state it upfront so there is no confusion. Next year I would just talk to my friends and explain that dd just wants to celebrate with her friends and no siblings.

[lhafer]

Whoa! That is nuts. I would definitely send out a message saying "DD is looking forward to celebrating with her friends. She is excited that your girls can make it! Parents are welcome to stay or drop off but unfortunately, due to strict space limitations at the gym, we cannot accommodate siblings. ".

I just might have to quote this! Thanks, love this wording.

[TwinFoxes]

I would just let it go this time, but from now onwards just state it upfront so there is no confusion. Next year I would just talk to my friends and explain that dd just wants to celebrate with her friends and no siblings.

The only problem is the craft sounds like it's inappropriate for her age...plus it's a drop off party, I wonder if the 3 year old will be dropped off too?

Citymama, I think your wording was pretty clear.

[Momit]

I don't think the invitation method affects whether people bring uninvited siblings - those same people will be clueless no matter what type of invite they receive.

DS is an only so this isn't an issue for us as guests, but for his 4th birthday we did have several people show up with siblings. It was ok because we had a couple of spaces, but I would have had to pay $15 or something for going over the 15 kid limit. A couple of the parents offered to pay when they came in but I said no it was fine. Some seemed to just assume it was ok. I realize now that people seem to put "siblings welcome" or nothing at all, so maybe the nothing implies invited kid only.

4-year-olds are definitely not drop off age for parties here, so in Citymama's case I would be surprised if the parents would drop off a 4-year-old for a party where the other kids are 7. That would be incredibly rude!

[bostonsmama]

At home-based parties, it is always assumed (in my group of friends), that siblings (AND HUSBANDS) are invited. Who could afford to get a sitter for other children just to attend a silly birthday party? Now, when parties are held at a place (bounce house, gym, field house, Chuck-e-Cheese, etc), I always ask, but most moms specify with "just let me know how many you're bringing so we know how much food to order." I really don't think this is so much of a problem until kids hit about 7 years old, because then the maturity required to play (and enjoy) certain games increases. In that case, I understand how frustrating it would be to have younger siblings impeding the girlie flow of a spa-themed, girls-only party or mixed group of 9-year-olds doing a scavenger hunt. So far, every single party I've been to has been on a weekend where husband, wife and any and all children are welcome to come. Sometimes I've seen teens stay home b/c they didn't think they'd enjoy a young pool party or something.

I wouldn't be offended if a host asked for only 1 child (haha-I only have one anyways) to come, but I would want it spelled out in the e-vite. *I* think that once you do an evite, though, you can't presume that just because one name is on the email list that people are going to "get it." Send a paper invite if you want to follow etiquette. I really don't love evite.

[Globetrotter]

Citymama, I think your wording was pretty clear.

It was clear to me, but I find most folks skim over invites quickly so I have learned to spell it out in a nice but firm way.

[niccig]

It was clear to me, but I find most folks skim over invites quickly so I have learned to spell it out in a nice but firm way.

I agree, but very upfront about it. Then still expect some people to call and ask. DS's friends are old enough, so I say "space is limited, but you can drop off Jimmy as they're are enough parents to supervise." We all know each other, so this has normally worked..but the reverse can be that they're 15 mins late to pick up Jimmy!

[BayGirl2]

I also just thing sibling/no sibling has more to do with the age of the child, same as drop off/no drop off. I don't think the nature of the invitation matters at all.
I think for a younger age party where parents stay its a given that siblings will be there. For older kids with drop off it can be unclear, especially if the sibling is close in age and also plays with the birthday child.

If you have a preference, state it on the Evite in a nice way and I think most people will understand. The tip about the contact names should help too. But I think that's the case for paper or Evite.

[Ceepa]

It was ok because we had a couple of spaces, but I would have had to pay $15 or something for going over the 15 kid limit. A couple of the parents offered to pay when they came in but I said no it was fine. Some seemed to just assume it was ok.

This is something else that I've encountered. Parents offer to pay for uninvited siblings. We did not invite your other children. We do not have the party supplies for other children. My child doesn't play with your other children. My ILs offered to pay extra for a list of guests above and beyond what we had agreed to for our wedding. I didn't know these people. DH didn't know these people. I didn't see the point of having them attend our ceremony or reception, which were out of town.

[Aishe]

OP, I'm in SoCal as well and people always bring siblings IME. In fact, the only reason I started asking if I could bring my ds to parties dd is invited to is because I'd read posts here about how rude it is to bring siblings! And every time I've asked, people have acted as if it was a really weird question and have always said that of course they expected ds to come. So I voted that it's common in my area. We recently had dd's 7th bday party and we had several siblings come, including a 9yo older sibling. I expected it and planned for it.

[vonfirmath]

I wouldn't be offended if a host asked for only 1 child (haha-I only have one anyways) to come, but I would want it spelled out in the e-vite. *I* think that once you do an evite, though, you can't presume that just because one name is on the email list that people are going to "get it." Send a paper invite if you want to follow etiquette. I really don't love evite.

Agreed. Evite does not make it obvious who is and is not invited.

[AnnieW625]

Thanks for all of the input so far. So I RSVP'd yesterday for the party and just RSVP'd for 1 adult, and Dd1. The two families who are the usual suspects who always bring their younger sibling (who are both within 5 months older than DD2 and will most likely be in DD2's class if we stay in the same area) responded for +2 kids. A 3rd family responded with an extra sibling, but that extra sibling is friends/classmates with two of the birthday kids' older siblings (the party is a combined party for two different kids in DD1's class) so I assume that it was talked about off evite. I don't usually do drop off so who knows maybe one of the moms told the other two moms to bring their kids as well, but part of me thinks not. Maybe they will tell me the same thing for DD2, but if they don't I care and I will be proud I stuck to my guns. There are two other families with multiple younger siblings who have not RSVP'd yet so it will be interesting to see how this pans out.

Oh and DH is half Mexican so this thing of only inviting the birthday child and not the whole family is completely new to him.

Here is kind of the back story as to while I feel like I do:

One of the moms who is a habitual "bring the sibling" to the party person gave me a horrible look at her best friend's daughter party last year when at the last minute we had a plumbing emergency at home and I had to bring DD2 (because it was easier for DH to fix the plumbing emergency). I felt soo bad and like I had stepped on someone's shoes. The party host was fine, but still since then the thought of bringing DD2 has always seemed rude if not invited. So then DD1's party was two weeks later and sibling mom told me point blank a few days later thwt she had already gotten a sitter for her DD, but I had assumed that her DD2 would be coming and told her that she could bring her DD (and was fine with that because it was at our house).

[MMMommy]

With Evite, I always use the invited child's name (parent's email address, invited child's name), and I don't allow the invitee to select the number of people going. They have to reply either yes, no, or maybe. I haven't really had any issues with people bringing siblings. Just the invited child shows up and stays for the party. I think using just the invited child's name makes it clear who is invited. If If I am inviting siblings, the name would say "Jack and Jill" instead of "Jack."

[rlu]

I sent out my first evite this morning and we are inviting families so I noted that in the message ("Your family is invited to join us to celebrate"). I did put the kid's name as the guest but I'm pretty sure the message makes it clear sibs and parents are invited. I'm taking notes if we ever have a party where we need to restrict the attendees.

[Ceepa]

Thought of this thread just now when we received a birthday evite.