If you have a large age gap between your oldest and youngest...

[sarahsthreads]

I'm just a crazy thread-starter today!

So I'm starting to feel panicky. I know in my head that I am nowhere near the only one to have kids as far apart as mine will be. But in September I will have a nearly 9 year old 4th grader, a newly 5 year old Kindergartener, and a brand new baby.

I am starting to feel terrified. Of course, it's far too late for second thoughts. But how on earth will this work? My oldest is transitioning to a new school. My middle will be starting school for the first time. And my baby will be brand spankin' new.

It took DD1 a good *solid* 6 weeks to transition to Kindergarten, and that was with a nurturing, marvelous teacher. Separately, it took her (and us) a good solid month before we all managed to figure out the family of four vs. three thing. So I'm terrified that I'm setting DD2 up for the worst month or two of her entire life that will cause her to need therapy until she's old and gray...

DD1 does not handle change well. Up until now she's had kind, loving, easy-going teachers in a nurturing primary school...but I've heard that the intermediate school is not so warm and friendly as that. They switch classes for math and have to dress out for PE and have a locker. Add to that now having another younger sibling and starting to go through pre-teen angst and hormonal changes, and I'm terrified *she's* going to have a ridiculously rough transition to 4th grade.

Tell me we will figure this out. Tell me it's not going to be the end of the world to have a baby and put my older kids on the bus less than a week later, and that they and I will all survive this...?

Sarah :)

[ahisma]

We have a pretty big gap. DD is 14, DS1 is 6, DS2 is 4.

DS 2 was my baby carrier (wrap) baby. He lived in a wrap carrier and loved it. Sometimes it's a bit of a wild ride, but all in all it works out really well.

There are times when it hits me, like when I realize that I'll spend a total of 14 years with a kid in our elementary school and I'm not even halfway through it. That prompted me to start bringing the secretary more cookies:)

There are a ton of benefits too. We have a built-in babysitter. DD, as a teen, is really great with her brothers. She gets tons of babysitting gigs from friends.

In general, things go MUCH easier the third time around. That gives you space to sort out the things for the older kids who are doing things the first time around.

[JBaxter]

21, 18, 9 & 4. The only issues are Jack misses his brothers at college. We face time them :D

[georgiegirl]

I'm there with you. Dd will be 7.5 and DS will be 4. I'm super excited to have alone time with the baby and to have two older helpers. I'm due on the second day of school and DD will be attending a brand new school, so that should be interesting. I think the age gap will be easier than having them all close.

[pinkmomagain]

We survived a very similar situation. Same age differences. And dd3 was born at the very beginning of October about a month after dd2 started 1st grade.

It all works out fine. DD2 was/is my anxious one and in some ways having a 3rd forced me to stop wringing my hands about dd2, and allowed her to grow up a little.

I will say that it is wonderful now to have a 16, 13 and 7 year old. The older ones watch the younger one for me...built in babysitters. And I get to hug and love a little 7 yo while dealing with the two teens!

[AngB]

Will it help if I tell you that I was 13, my sister 11, my brother 10, when my youngest brother was born? I was just about to start high school, my brother middle school.

We all survived it and aren't scarred by it at all. Now that kid comes in handy for manual labor projects. The hardest part definitely was leaving for college and missing him. "Will you come home yet?"

It was definitely the easiest for my mom and dad. We tweens changed diapers, made bottles, put him in the car seat, etc. It was like they had a full time nanny for free.

[AnnieW625]

My girls are 4 yrs. and 25 days apart.

I am sure your girls will do just fine.

FWIW I am 10 yrs. and 2 weeks older than my sister. She was due on my birthday.

[sntm]

Ds1 is almost 10. DS2 is almost 10 months :)

They adore each other.

My younger (half)brother is 14 years younger. It's a different relationship than with my sister but wr are still close

[Cam&Clay]

In September, DS1 starts highschool. DS2 will start kindergarten. They will be 15 and 5.

You will be fine. Big gaps can be great! Older kids are more helpful and don't get jealous.

[bcafe]

We have a 11.5 year gap between #2 and 3. Our oldest was almost 22 when her littlest sister was born. It has been fun!

[edurnemk]

That's the exact spacing between my brothers and me! When my youngest brother was born I was 8 years, 9 months and my other brother was 5. He was also born in September. It'll be fine! Both my DB1 and I were thrilled to have a baby in the house and help out. And I started babysitting at 13, so that was a huge advantage for my parents.

[queenmama]

Our only two kids are 12 years apart. It has been a huge adjustment going from having a self-sufficient, late-sleeping (aah, the sleep!) tween to also having a very demanding baby who doesn't love sleep so much.

I worried how it would affect him. We were so close... too close, many said. But I loved our time together, hanging out and goofing around. We had (have?) an amazing bond. I knew that would change.

He's been amazing with her. He adores her and of course she's crazy about him. He's been patient and understanding in regards to her needs taking time away from him.

Me? I'm tired. I miss Henry. It breaks my heart that we will never be the same. I know this is probably good for him to gain some independence, but I feel a loss.

I love Agnes more than I realized was possible. I couldn't imagine loving another person like I love Henry. Unfathomable! But she's incredible and I'm in awe of her. God knew.

She will turn 1 next month and he will be 13 in June. One in diapers, one going through puberty. She'll start kindergarten his senior year. She will turn 18 the year he turns 30 (that one hit me just the other day. O. M. G.). I don't know how close they'll be with such a gap, but right now they are in love and so am I!

You and your kids will make the adjustment, too! It might be a little bumpy at times but you'll fall into a rhythm and forget what life was like before! Good luck!

Lara

[Beth24]

It will work. I promise. Things will change and you guys will adjust. My kids are 15, 10 and 2. My family went through a lot (we lost a child that was the middle child between my first 2), so having my little one helped our family heal in many ways. But more than that, the relationship my older kids have with him is so special and not subject to the same sibling rivalry/fighting they have with each other. I guess I would say that I never planned things this way, but it does work. Please try not to worry.

[klwa]

Not me, but SIL has 23, 20, 8, & just turned 6. Her oldest DD was a senior in high school when her youngest was born. :)

[scrooks]

Our gap won't be quite as big but dd will be 6 and ds almost 4 . Dd is starting k in the fall too and I have the same fears you do.... How will I juggle this and make her transition smooth???!!!

[mushka]

I am 12 years older than my sister. Ours is not a standard sister relationship. I see her as my baby, not just my sister. She has been my baby since the day she was born. We never had any sibling rivalries. And we are very close. I think the age difference was good for my parents too. They always had a responsible babysitter.

[ncat]

Mine will have nearly the same age gap as yours! (I remember reading your posts when your older DD was a baby, not too much older than my DD).

Fortunately DD will stay at the same school for 4th grade. Unfortunately, DS1 just misses our new K cutoff, and will be home another year. DD is already worried because none of her friends families have babies, and there will be less attention for her and another "annoying" little brother.

[alexsmommy]

Instead of thinking how crazy it may be, think of all of the good! My oldest helps out all of the time with the youngest...without me asking. Oldest can buckle his youngest brother in the car (properly), makes simple snacks in microwave and toaster oven, and helps out our sitters. With oldest moving to later activity brackets, it's easier to get all three to various activities (as opposed to same age kids wanting to do different things...at the same time...at opposite sides of town, which happens to my girlfriend with 1.5 year spacing for her three all of the time). DH is coaching DS1's basketball team and feels he'll be able to do this for each boy in one of their sports at various times. DS1 is becoming increasingly independent and can walk to and from various activites and playdates when DS3 is napping.
We did not plan on the 4.5y spacing b/w DS1 and DS2 but would up dealing with secondary infertility. I found out later I LOVED the spacing. Due to my age, DS2 and DS3 are 2.5 years apart and that was so much harder. DS2 was still a baby in many ways and juggling their needs was harder until DS2 turned that corner at 3.5.
I thought things like Disney would be a challenge (who wants to do what) but it worked pretty seemlessly this last time. DS2 floated b/w big boy and little boy activities depending on his interest (loves rides and was just tall enough for most, but was still into Disney Jr so he hung out doing that stuff with DS3 and me while DH took DS1 on the scary ride).
On planes, with a family of five, DS1 is old enough to sit in an aisle by himself (he actually loves the independence) and when traveling without DH, DS1 can manage DS3 when I need to take DS2 to the bathroom etc.
The crazy with three kids would be there regardless of age spread, three personalities. But I have found the things I feared with the age spread have not come to fruition at all. The age spread makes it easier. My three have such distinct personalities that if they were closer in age I would be running totally different directions (DS1 all team sports, all the time DS2 more into arts and individual sports, DS3? seems to possibly be a combination, but that may be him wanting to do whatever both big brothers are into at this age).
In 1.5 years I will have three at three schools. Again the staggering of times makes me less concerns. Our middle school starts an hour later than our elementary and preschool starts 15 minutes after the middle school. So it will work.
I love LOVE love the dynamic of three. I really do. It's crazy at times, but a good, fun crazy.
DS1 only has one other close friend with a younger sibling as young as DS3. It is so much fun to watch his buddies be fascinated by his baby brother. They go out of their way to include the baby and indulge him with "Yes, DS3, you are a big boy too!" So wonderful to watch them flex their nutruring muscles.
Have fun!

[daisymommy]

My oldest is 10.5, and we have the baby.
When I had my third child, it was 2 weeks before my oldest started public school for the first time (we had homeschooled before that). So I hear you on being stressed. In reality, it was the best thing ever to have school started right away so that I didn't have so many kids at home all at once all day long. It was a huge help!!! And I'm hoping it is for you too.
I was able to have bonding time with my baby one on one, and take a nap when I needed it.
Really, it all worked out just fine.

And as far as the spacing goes, I have purposely spaced my kids 3 or more years apart for sanity reasons. It is so awesome to have 2 built in helpers to entertain the baby and relatively keep her safe while I cook dinner, get a shower, take a phone call, whatever. My 6 year old DD is very maternal, and a better babysitter than my 10 year old DS! You may be pleasantly surprised that your third go around with a baby may be the easiest. It was for me!

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[lizzywednesday]

I'm the eldest of 4 and there are 7.5 years and 2 brothers between my sister (the youngest) and me. I am just under 4 actual years older than the next sibling down (my brother Ger) but we are 4 school-years apart - I'm a March birthday, while he's late October.

I spent a lot of time being the "default" baby sitter once I was 11 or so, but that's what worked out for my family. Mostly, it was a few hours after school during the week if I didn't have soccer or basketball practice.

I did ask for help with my brothers when I was 13, because they wouldn't listen to me and I didn't know how to deal with them without resorting to bully behaviors, so my parents paid for after-school care.

By high school, I would bring my sister with me to chorus & drama club rehearsals if my brothers were rowdy or otherwise unreliable sources of childcare. (I'd set the kid up in a corner with a coloring book after showing her where the bathrooms were & my friends would help keep an eye out for her.)

I think a lot of the dynamic depends on what your expectations are. My parents didn't necessarily expect my siblings and I to be "friends" (like my SIL seems to expect her children to be friends; they are all spaced fairly close together) but they did expect we'd treat each other with respect & make an attempt to get along with each other. Now that we're grown, we do get on a great deal better than we used to, but we did work at it.

[ezcc]

Tons of answers already, but I will add to the chorus- it's great! DS was 9 when ds2 was born, and dd 6. They ADORE their brother- they are also so much help to me- ds1 (now 10) especially can carry him up and down stairs, get him up from his crib, and both will take him outside and watch him and they play with him more than I do. I am careful that dd doesn't get lost in the shuffle too much as ds1 is really bonded w/dh and they are often doing projects in the house or playing baseball but it's been good for her to develop some independence from me. It's also nice b/c they are in school all day and I feel like ds2 is actually on a better nap schedule than dd ever was- it was much harder having a baby and a preschooler who had different places to be all day.

[sarahsthreads]

You all are making me cry reading your responses! I so appreciate having such a supportive group I can turn to when I'm feeling overwhelmed. :heartbeat:

The crazy bit is that I'm the oldest of three - I have a brother 3 years younger and a brother 9 years younger. As one of you said, my youngest brother...I was like a second mommy to him. And I see those same maternal, nurturing traits in my DD1. I don't remember it being hard for me when he came along. I have no idea how hard it was for my mom, though...but he was born in January, so we were well-established in our school routines by that point in the year.

I think for me it's less the unknowns about the three kids and what their relationships between each other be like and more the timing. The best I can hope for is two weeks or so before school starts, and the worst? What if baby is late and I'm still in the hospital on the first day of school? My DDs would never forgive me. :( (Heck, I would never forgive me.)

You all are right, I should be focusing on what's going to be good. It's going to be good. I'm just going to have to be prepared super early for that first day of school, have a contingency plan in place for someone else to put the girls on the bus if needed (and take a billion pictures), and take it a day at a time. Panicking is probably not the best use of the next several months. :)

Sarah :)

[Melaine]

Everything will be fine! I really love the gap between DDs and DS (5.5 years)...it has been great so far. And I am 9.5 years older than my sister (with two brothers in between) and we had a great relationship growing up (and still do). Don't worry too much!

ETA: The day that my sister was born was one of the best days of my life! I can't imagine life without her. I loved being the oldest in my family.

[Melbel]

DS was 8.5 and DD1 was 6.75 when DD2 was born. While our spacing is not text book, I would not change a thing. DS and DD1 often told me their best days ever were when they learned I was pregnant with DD2 and when she was born. They adore her (almost all of the time). DS taught DD2 how to read, they build forts together, help bathe DD2 (now not in the early years), etc. She has had many more car naps and has attended many practices, but it all works out. I loved having 1:1 time with her while the big kids were at school.

Will it be crazy? Yes, at times. Will you and your big kids adapt? Absolutely.

Our biggest challenge has been with DD1 as a middle child who already is predisposed to thinking she gets the short end of the stick. Our situation was particularly complex after DS became so sick and he was getting a disproportionate share of our attention for a prolonged time period. To help mitigate this issue, I make special efforts to spend 1:1 time with her to make her feel special.

[candybomiller]

You're not the only one stressing. If we go ahead and decide to have #3 there will be an 11 year gap between my oldest and youngest. My middle ds will be 6 years older than the baby. Writing that out makes me hyperventilate. I can't believe we're considering diapers and formula again! I know it will all work out, but it still stresses me.

[doberbrat]

I think dh is 19yrs younger than his oldest sibling and his youngest sister (who is a 1/2 sister) is 15 yrs younger than he is.

It does all work out. DH is close to his older siblings. The 1/2 sister has virtually no relationship with the older ones but thats mostly b/c of the step parent relationship.

I think you'll be fine. In some ways, a larger gap makes it easier. Honestly, no matter what the spacing in a family, there is always good/bad side of things. Congrats on the new addition :heartbeat:

[cono0507]

I'm the oldest of 4 kids. My youngest brother is 8 years younger than I am and by far he and I are closest of all the kids and we talk/text regularly.

[daisymommy]

Maybe I'm strange, but I never even considered the gap between my oldest and my youngest. I figure, the more kids you have, the more of a gap there will be--that's just math and reality. I personally love the Duggar family show. Their oldest is married with 2 kids of his own, and yet they still have toddlers at home. But they're fine! Don't stress about it, it will all be good :)


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[hellokitty]

You will be fine. Big gaps can be great! Older kids are more helpful and don't get jealous.

:yeahthat: I have a 3 yr old, 7 yr old and a 9 yr old. The 7 and 9 yr old are 18 mo apart and that just about killed me. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The 4 yr gap btwn my last and middle one was WONDERFUL, but I told friends if I did it over again, I would have made it a 5 yr gap, ideally a 4-5 yr gap btwn all 3 of my kids. My older boys sometimes get annoyed with the youngest, but are overall wonderful older brothers and are helpful when needed. There have been zero jealousy issues with the younger one added to the family, but there is probably just jealous from DS2 toward DS1, b/c they are so close in age and are often into the same thing. I feel that when they are farther apart, they get to do their own thing without being overshadowed by a sibling who is close in age. DS2's issue is that he always wants to do with DS1 is doing and usually we let him, but there are times where there is an age limit, so he can't do it, so he sulks.

Anyway, I am excited for you about your age gap. If I could do it over, I would have 4-5 yrs btwn all my kids. I know some ppl would think I was crazy, but I feel badly that I had DS2 so soon and didn't get to enjoy him as much. With a bigger age gap, I feel like you can cherish those moment with the youngest child at the time, a little bit more, kwim? With DS2 and DS1 being so close in age, I was frazzled and barely surviving. Definitely the low point of my parenting yrs.

[daphne]

DS was 7 1/2 and DD1 was 5, when DD2 was born (Aug '12) It has been much easier on me, having such a big age gap this time. The oldest 2 can do so much for themselves & are off in school full-time, so I get lots of quiet baby time during the day. It's been hard on my DS and DD1, though. I'm tired & I feel spread pretty thin, particularly during the before- and after-school time, when they need me the most. It's getting easier, now that DD2 is 7 months, but (I'm not going to lie) it was hard at the start of the school year b/c DD1 was starting full-day K. She was clingy, exhausted and moody. I was nursing all.the.time, so it was like running the gauntlet before & after school daily. I miss out on things at school b/c of the baby, too (ie couldn't chaperone DS's field trip). We're adjusting, though, and DD2 is really a great baby. We all adore her & I'm so glad we have her.