Family advice for DB?

[mctlaw]

Hoping the breadth of experience can help my DB (dear little brother) here...

DB and his wife live in the same town as my parents, small town, but on the other side of it. They are due with their first child in early summer. DB's wife's parents live by and they are very close. We're very happy for DB and his wife as they've been trying for years for kids. It's an unusual situation as DB is disabled and his wife will have to do all physical childcare. SO she'll need some helping hands to say the least.

DB is not very close with our mom, he feels like they have an awkward relationship. I feel somewhat the same way, though I will say things have improved since I had kids. My dad is super not helpful (has early ALZ) and my mom is usually dealing with something related to that. It can be a struggle having them visit (we live in another state so they always come for at least a long weekend), because my mom tries to help, but has a bad back, knees, is limited in what she can do, and dad, see above. My DH ends up cooking for them every night they are here because they do not take any initiative in that dept. Just adding this detail for a flavor of what might bother my DB.

My folks have been looking around for a house and without telling my DB, they put a contract on a house 5 doors down from DB. He called me freaked out because he can't imagine having them as neighbors. He said he sees them constantly stopping by and asking them to take care of their dog when they travel (which they do quite a bit). He wants to say something. I think it's too late for him to do so. He asked for my advice. I told him I'd think on it but I think the best he can do is lay down strong ground rules for visits, like to tell them we need help with this and that, not a social visit.

My mom did mention to me before this transpired that she was looking to be closer to DB, so she could help them with the baby. But not 5 doors down, LOL.

Would love your advice, BBBers! TIA!

[alexsmommy]

Oh my, your poor DB... and DSIL!

Set firm, consistent boundaries EARLY. Good fences make good neighbors....applies to relatives too.

We live a few houses from my parents. DH was very much in on this decision, but he was clear that while he thought this would be great with my parents, there is NO WAY we could live that close to any of his family (except his father). He puts it this way to people..."My in-laws are helpful without being intrusive." If my Dad is watching the kids and notices that we are low on paper towels and he is running Costco, he'll pick up a pack for us, but will just put them on our back porch rather than ring the doorbell when we aren't expecting him. The only times they let themselves in my house is if they have the kids at their house and need something for the boys (ie change of clothes). Otherwise, they ALWAYS let us know if they are coming over. I never worry that when I pull up in my car my phone will start ringing... It's been the best thing ever. If anything, my boys are pretty "intrusive" in their lives. Run out of tape for an art project? Go ask Grandma and Grandpa if they have some. No milk left for cereal? Take the bowl down the street... you get the picture. I've had to ask my parents if they would like us to reel the boys in, but they love it and as my mom says, they would just not answer the door if they minded.

I'd encourage your DB and SIL to come up with written requests to respect one anothers privacy...

Call before ASKING (not announcing) to come over
Let one anothers comings and goings be private ("Hey, I saw your car was gone, where were you??" No.)
Do not share personal information with other neighbors without clearing it first ("Did you hear? We're going to be Grandparents again!... They are in shock because it was unplanned but we are thrilled!" No.)

Frame it in the "we want to have a great relationship with you all and want to avoid any problems up front. This is what we would prefer... what is important to you all to make sure we avoid any hurt feelings?"

[sarahsthreads]

Well, I live next door to my parents, so I think it can be done.

However, my parents are not retired, and are pretty much never home. I hire a teenage babysitter and don't bother asking them to baby sit very often. They never come over without calling first (and I don't go over there without calling, though sometimes one of the girls will run over and ring the doorbell if their cars are in the driveway.)

On the other hand, I'm expecting (hopefully not setting myself up for disappointment here) that they will be able to help us out a bit more this fall when things are crazy and DC3 arrives. My mom did mention wanting to help out with my "do I pull the girls out of dance because it's going to be too difficult to get them there, or will they resent their little brother/sister for that?" dilemma, so we'll see.

It is nice because both households have a dog, so if someone's caught away longer than planned from home, we can cover for each other, and we always bring in mail & papers when the other household is away.

DH is fine with this arrangement (they were in their house before we bought ours anyway) but also feels, like a PP's DH, that it would never in a million years work if it were his family. :)

Sarah :)

[MamaMolly]

Oh my, your poor DB... and DSIL!

Set firm, consistent boundaries EARLY. Good fences make good neighbors....applies to relatives too.

We live a few houses from my parents. DH was very much in on this decision, but he was clear that while he thought this would be great with my parents, there is NO WAY we could live that close to any of his family (except his father). He puts it this way to people..."My in-laws are helpful without being intrusive." If my Dad is watching the kids and notices that we are low on paper towels and he is running Costco, he'll pick up a pack for us, but will just put them on our back porch rather than ring the doorbell when we aren't expecting him. The only times they let themselves in my house is if they have the kids at their house and need something for the boys (ie change of clothes). Otherwise, they ALWAYS let us know if they are coming over. I never worry that when I pull up in my car my phone will start ringing... It's been the best thing ever. If anything, my boys are pretty "intrusive" in their lives. Run out of tape for an art project? Go ask Grandma and Grandpa if they have some. No milk left for cereal? Take the bowl down the street... you get the picture. I've had to ask my parents if they would like us to reel the boys in, but they love it and as my mom says, they would just not answer the door if they minded.

I'd encourage your DB and SIL to come up with written requests to respect one anothers privacy...

Call before ASKING (not announcing) to come over
Let one anothers comings and goings be private ("Hey, I saw your car was gone, where were you??" No.)
Do not share personal information with other neighbors without clearing it first ("Did you hear? We're going to be Grandparents again!... They are in shock because it was unplanned but we are thrilled!" No.)

Frame it in the "we want to have a great relationship with you all and want to avoid any problems up front. This is what we would prefer... what is important to you all to make sure we avoid any hurt feelings?"

This sounds like a lovely relationship! I envy you, in the very nicest way. :)

[alexsmommy]

This sounds like a lovely relationship! I envy you, in the very nicest way. :)


I am very, very, very fortunate.
I thank them all of the time because I was a "handful" in high school ;)

[mctlaw]

Thank you all! I'm going to talk to DB to see if he thinks this is doable. Great solutions!

[hillview]

my parents live with us (in a 2 family). they respect our privacy and are a HUGE help with the kids. I would make clear boundaries but also be hopeful it will work out well.

[wellyes]

Putting in an offer before mentioning it to them does not set the stage for good boundaries!! But, hopefully, it will work out well for all.

[elektra]

Putting in an offer before mentioning it to them does not set the stage for good boundaries!! But, hopefully, it will work out well for all.

My dad lives 5 doors up from us and it has worked out really well. He bought the house a little over a year ago, after we had to put my mom with alzheimers in a home a few blocks away from where we are now.

I think it works because we all discussed it before, and it was a sort of joint decision. My dad has always helped out with the kids and he does so even more now, mostly with short stints of watching them early in the morning or an evening here or there.
We also go swimming quite a bit at his house in the summer.

I think alexsmommy's rules look good, and I am always checking in with my dad about how things are going, if I can do anything for him.

We include him in a lot of family activities but sometimes we wwant it to be just the 4 of us too. I can see where that balance could be hard to find but we somehow make it work.
Good luck to your DB. My kids have a great relationship with my dad - it is really special. Hopefully it will work out that way for your DN as well.