How involved is your DH in *playing* with the kids?

[ourbabygirl]

Just thinking about this after reading a friend's FB status about her DH playing in the play room with their son (narrating what they were saying). Also reflecting on how interesting it was to hear my DH reading bedtime stories to DD tonight... it's been *so long* since he has, and he only did tonight because I asked him if he could get started on that while I got the kids' bedrooms ready upstairs. Usually I'm with the kids all day (SAHM), then we have dinner when DH is done with work (works from home unless he travels). Then he cleans up after dinner and I hang out with the kids (I'd rather clean up and have him play with them, since I'm burned out from being with them all day). If they take a bath I'm usually the one doing it, since he doesn't like doing it (I don't, either, but it has to get done). He might take the kids for a car ride after dinner so I can get some cleaning done, or take them up for an errand like to the grocery store or to get gas or a car wash. But rarely *plays* with them. DH will rough-house with the kids a bit, but almost never goes in to their play room or another room to actually *play* with them. I don't want to nag him to, and I'm hoping he'll engage with them more when they're older (they're 2 and 4). Is this pretty normal for guys?

How often, and in what capacity, does your DH play with your kids? What age are they?
Thanks for sharing...

(poll coming)

[niccig]

DH does. He's better than me at it. I could never get into playing with matchbox cars and blocks on the floor. Now they build legos or other inventions and play sports outside. I *can* do all these things too, but let DH do it. DH reads at bedtime if he's home in time. Now he's changed jobs to better hours, he reads most nights. DS usually reads to me first as working on his reading, then DH takes over and reads a chapter from the book they've got going - either DH's choice or DS's choice. DS is 8yo.

[weech]

DH does a lot. He doesn't have much of an attention span for "playing" inside, but he loves taking DS outside and on what he calls "adventures." Usually their adventures invole walking on a local trail, going to Starbucks, finding a creek to throw rocks in or just playing in the neighborhood. He puts DS to bed at least 2-3 nights a week because I'm at work (and he did the same before I started working evenings). He's usually in charge of baths and he always cuts DS's nails because I'm kind of afraid to :bag The only thing I'd change is that I wish DH would put his damn phone away and be a little bit more present.

[MamaMolly]

As my girls are getting older he's doing a lot better playing with them. He'll draw with Them, play board and card games, and build with magnatiles and blocks. He's been known to sport a head full of teensie barrettes and a plastic tiara every now and then, too.

Most Barbie clothes are too fiddly for him. He tends to give up when their pinkies get stuck in the arms.

Also I voted that he plays outside with them, but mostly that is when we are in a snowy climate. When we go to the beach he'd prefer to sit in a lounge chair to supervising or playing with the kids. It evens out because my snow threshold is LOW and I can build sandcastle a forever.

[codex57]

We generally split duties and/or kids. I bathe both, but DW usually dries and dresses just the boy. The girl is all mine cuz dealing with long hair is a pain so DW doesn't wanna deal with it (DD also cries a lot less when I'm the one combing her tangles out). DD is a total daddy's girl so I play with her, take her out on errands after DS goes to bed (she's younger but needs less sleep or something), I take both to activities unless I'm at work (and if the activities require parental help, that's me), I do the school stuff (altho DW will be attending her first parent-teacher conference soon), I read bedtime stories to them (but DW ends up doing the homework stuff with DS cuz I get home late), I make their lunches (DW prepares dinner, but it's often leftovers from stuff I cooked), and I sleep with the girl and she sleeps with the boy. Shoot, I'm on here doing the research for all the baby stuff (well, I do the research on everything).

And no, she doesn't think I do enough.

[lalasmama]

DD is 9.

I checked just about everything on the list... He's uber-involved. Almost annoyingly so :) With DD, he helps with everything except showers (which she does herself). He plays with her, even when she wants to play pretty princess goes to the beauty salon (where, of course, future-DH is the poor person being "beautified"). He chats with her about what her dolls are up to. When we move, he's picked her teacher out and will attend all school functions that don't interfere with his class functions (he's a teacher). He was there for almost every tball game, and hasn't missed a class program yet. If asked, he could tell you her current clothing sizes without a second thought. He's just as involved as I am.

We're both WOH parents, if that matters, and DD is in school all day long, so we have a break from the continous badgering that a SAH parent would get.

[newg]

DH does bath time most nights, and we'll take turns with bedtimes. He loves being outside in the yard, and the girls love to tag along to "help". DD1 got a wheel barrow for Christmas and is so excited for our mulch to get delivered this spring so she can help ;)

He'll do errands with the girls, takes them swimming .........playing inside is probably his biggest "weakness", but something he'll do if I'm not around.

also, like PP mentioned.......DH needs to put his phone down more and be "in the moment".

[KrisM]

He does a lot.

No errands because he doesn't do errands :).
I do evening activities by my choice. I like having the break.
He does most of the reading out loud.

[BayGirl2]

I checked nearly everything. Actually I usually do bath and bedtime and he does everything in the morning, but sometimes we switch. We are very balanced in the effort we put into the kids and household. If one of us feels out of balance or we need to switch things up we discuss it. We've made a conscious effort at this since we decided to have kids.

[kaharris83]

My DH is fantastic with the boys and very involved. He plays with them in and out of the house and also reads to them. We shower both boys and he is usually the one in charge while I get them on the handoff when they're clean for the dressing and hair combing. He doesn't do errands usually so he doesn't take them out of the house by himself. I think he's a little overwhelmed by that thought, but he has taken DS1 out a few times and they're taking swimming lessons together in a few months.

[Mopey]

Well, in the BP I was glowing about my hubby earlier since it's been a rough day so I will say he does A LOT. Miss Mopey will be ONE in a week!!!

As long as he is not working late (maybe once or twice a week and not every week) he always does bath and then we do bottle and book/bed together. Sometimes if he's early enough he can handle dinner too. He always takes Mopey to his parents for breakfast when I'm working on the weekend, to the park, museums, groceries, restaurant, stores, etc. (No classes as yet but I found a good deal for one today!)

And he reads to her incessantly as he is trying to improve his own reading speed (I am the champ in that dept!). And he will always get down on the LR carpet and play, tickle, wrestle, build with her blocks, puppet voices, all of it. And we three cuddle puddle on the bed as often as we can :D

He is a handsome peach that tall Daddy I live with :heartbeat:

[brittone2]

He does everything on your list but school conferences. But we HS ;) He does discuss HSing and curriculum with me, so he's involved with that anyway. Since I'm their teacher, perhaps that constitutes a conference :rotflmao:

He's a great and very involved dad. I'm so, so thankful.

eta: he's generally home by 5-5:15 pm, which makes his participation in the above easier than it would be for some dads.

[twowhat?]

My DH does play with the kids, especially when they ask him to. I know he doesn't always enjoy it (the girls play, well, like girls and DH is, well, a boy). But who can turn down a kid who asks? LOL. The only thing that bugs me is that DH won't put his phone away (like PPs have mentioned!). He doesn't do baths unless I'm sick or out of town. It makes his back hurt.

Reading your OP reminds me of when I was a SAHM. DH would get home from work and then start trying to take care of household stuff - dishes, laundry. Finally I had enough and I told him that I would rather him TAKE THE BABIES when he got home, because I had the babies ALL DAY and I WANTED to do the dishes and laundry because I was honestly tired of touching babies! I also pointed out that since he didn't get to see the babies at all during the day, that they could use some time with their Daddy. He got it. So maybe just talk to your DH about it - he is clearly trying to help (at least he is doing dishes and not just putting his feet up!) and maybe just needs you to tell him how you really want him to help.

The flip side of that is that maybe he would rather do dishes:) Which I get too, because doing dishes is a heck of a lot easier and less tiring than entertaining kids after a long day at work. But - both dishes and kid time need to be done. You did your kid time all day, and now he can do it for an hour in the evenings so you can do some other chore that benefits the family.

Good luck! I TOTALLY get how you feel about wanting to do something other than play with the kids when your DH gets home.

[maestramommy]

Dh does pretty much everything on the list, except maybe take them to visit relatives. I do that, or we go as a family. Oh wait, he doesn't play dolls or tea party with them. But he does play with them. he helps them practice riding their bike, or will draw with sidewalk chalk with them on our driveway. usually he draws mazes for them to run through, or huge pics of castles or traces their body.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I checked nearly everything. Actually I usually do bath and bedtime and he does everything in the morning, but sometimes we switch. We are very balanced in the effort we put into the kids and household. If one of us feels out of balance or we need to switch things up we discuss it. We've made a conscious effort at this since we decided to have kids.

:yeahthat: Same here, except DH does bathtime routine usually (except when he's traveling). If he is here he gives the bath, takes them to brush teeth..then we both do stories with them, play a bit, then we each take one DC and rock them/put them to sleep (they are in different rooms). DH also gets them ready in the morning and takes them to school as well as picks them up, and is the default person for taking him to doctor appts. He takes them to Target or grocery store by himself (the kids were 1 and 2 before he finally took them on his own by himself, but now he does it all the time). He also takes them to swim class (i come straight from work).

When DH is OOT, the kids can really sense it and get a bit restless after a couple days...they love having Daddy there to play and roughhouse with them (I don't really do roughhousing..not my thing!). Last time DH was traveling, after 3 days of being gone, DS said sadly (his voice cracking, as if he was about to cry) "I want Daddy to be here." Aw. It is rough on all of us when he is gone, which I guess proves to me over and over how much he really does when he is here.

I think the only thing i didn't check on that list was involve them in household projects, bc they're just too young (2 and 3) and would make things much harder! He can put together simple stuff together with them but more than that, no. Also, he has never taken the kids to visit relatives by himself, as the closest family is 6 hour drive away (our DC are really young still, we've always been together for roadtrips). If he had family closer than that, then yeah, he probably would.

[icunurse]

All of the above. For not having a great example from his father, DH is an excellent and involved Dad.

[TwinFoxes]

I checked everything except visit relatives, we don't have many near here. I do their bedtime routine because I like it, but he'll happily do it. I BF until they were 16 mos, so I guess I got in the habit of putting them to bed.

[SnuggleBuggles]

All of the above. He's a keeper. :)

[edurnemk]

He does a LOT when he's home: DS's bath and bedtime, plays with him for hours (on the weekend), etc. Plays with DD when I'm not nursing her.

But I still voted that I wish he was more involved, because during the week he's not home, he travels all the time, and even when he's here his work hours are crazy. So he misses most school functions, and I do everything alone M-F.

[candybomiller]

I'm uber-blessed to have a DH who is very involved with the boys ages 10 and 5. He does everything on the list except visit relatives, which makes sense because the only relatives within visiting distance are my sister and her partner.

It definitely gets easy to take everything he does for granted. Thanks for posting this poll so I can tell DH how much I appreciate him.

[baymom]

I checked every box on the list--DH is extremely involved. On top of the items on the list, he also coaches both kids' sports teams every year. The only thing is that he often works late and at least two nights a week, comes home after they are in bed. But when he's home, I feel like I can 'check out'. He left a very demanding job to do what he does now (same profession, but self employed) because he was so worried that the kids would grow up and he'd miss out on too much. They used to tell him 'Bye! See you tomorrow!!' when he left for work in the morning and I know it broke his heart a little. His hours are more flexible now and he truly gets to be the involved Dad he always wanted to be. I'm a lucky Mama, for sure!

[mominma]

This is a tough area for me. My DH will give DS2 a bath and put him to sleep, but rather than play with the kids he will supervise while playing/surfing on his phone.

Once in a while if he needs to take the kids out of the house, he will go to a park or take them somewhere, but usually everything is done as a family or I am responsible for it - conferences, playing, orchestrating the schedules, etc.

[mommyp]

DH does everything on the list. Except visit relatives, which we only do all together after a long plane trip! Definitely a keeper. :)

[citymama]

I chose every single one except the last 3. DH excels in outdoor play, rough housing, gardening with kids, cooking with kids. He takes them to almost all their activities as well as errands. He always joins me to parent teacher conferences. He used to be on the board of DD1s preschool.

I do more bathing/bedtime/reading/imaginative play with kids, and more doctor appointments. He does more of the activities above. We probably do an equal amount of homework with DD1.

[wellyes]

I am a SAHM and our deal is, when he gets home from work, he takes over with the kids. We both like it that way.

[StantonHyde]

It has morphed quite a bit over time. I always do the morning routine because he often works late nights or has to be at work at 7am. He does baths and reading. But he picks up on his days off. I cook dinner while he does homework with the kids. He is actually much better at "playing" with the kids than I am--cards, games, etc. I am the activity mom. I take them places--we are on the go.

He started taking them to see his mom by himself which is great since it means flying with them alone. He even takes them to see my dad on 1-2 all day outings year, because I would shoot everyone involved if I had to do it!!

I did check having him more involved just because he works every other weekend and often does not get home till 8 or he starts work at 5 pm. So if you pile up a bunch of those days in a row, its hard.

[MontrealMum]

DH is an incredibly involved dad and he's great at just playing with DS. Better than I am at times...probably because he's still a kid at heart.

He does everything on the list except school conferences and that's because it usually doesn't work out with his work schedule. My work is more flexible and gets out earlier. In addition to the choices on the list he also does the morning routine and always has. Daily. He gets DS ready, feeds him, makes sure he's dressed, and delivers him to school. I do pickups and the night stuff. DH often works late but he's frequently home for a bit of playtime before bed and the actual bedtime. We take turns reading to DS at bedtime. He has occasionally done medical things with DS as well, though again, that's dependent on his work schedule which is less flexible than mine.

It's important to both of us that DH is very involved with DS. We wouldn't have it any other way. That's why we chose to have a kid :)

[elephantmeg]

DH supervises but doesn't play much. He does do some excursions on the occasional Sun after church while I'm sleeping between 2 night shifts. He does have evening/bath/bedtime duty 3 nights a week while I'm at work though. I do 95% of conferences/Dr's apts/activities though.

[belovedgandp]

At our house he is generally engaged. He'll play on the floor and goes outside with the kids. I just know our routine and do a lot of saying "will you please do this with so and so" I used to feel like I should not have to point it out, but now it is natural. He doesn't know where we are in the homework routine, so I tell him what books to read with DS2. Things like that.

But to the outside world, he must look like a slacker. He's never at school and rarely at any of the activities. It just doesn't work in his schedule and when I don't have to take all the kids with me to an activity because he's actually home, I feel like it is a break.

[hillview]

when DH is home he is very involved. He does the whole bed time routine with both boys (teeth, PJs and books), on weekends he plays with them and we usually both go to tennis with them. When he can he attends school events and always makes it to conferences.

[wellyes]

OP, instead of taking the kids for a car ride so you can clean, have him play a really simple board board game with them (Go Away Monster is simple enough for a 2 year old) or do some puzzles? I'm sure the kids would love it.

One thing my DH does a lot is just lie on the floor and let the kids crawl over him and snuggle. That touch and affection is low energy for him but precious to the kids.

[arivecchi]

My DH is not perfect any any means, but he is a super dad. He plays with the boys all the time and kids in general love him because he is mr. fun. I've had several friends say that it is great he is so playful and involved with the boys. He does a ton with them both during the week (he is in charge of them in the mornings and on weekends he plays with them a ton). They are constantly roughhousing! He definitely pulls his weight and more in this regard!

[Momit]

My DH is WAY better at free play with DS than I am. They do Legos and trains, but also make up all kinds of crazy games, pretend play, funny voices etc. as well as the usual rough housing, chasing etc. I feel kind of lame sometimes because DH is so great at losing himself in the play in a way that I can't.

I do better with structured things like reading or a craft project rather than the free-form stuff.

OP we have a similar arrangement to yours in that I SAH and DH works from home or travels. We all clear the table after dinner then I finish cleanup while DH and DS play. Then I do bath and bed time because I enjoy it and that's become our routine.

ETA just answered the poll and it reminded me of one more thing. DH involves DS as much as possible with house projects - so DS has learned how to hammer a nail, put in a screw, all kinds of things I never would have thought to do wih a 4-year-old. The other day DH showed him how to use a dolly to move a box in the garage!

[twowhat?]

DH involves DS as much as possible with house projects - so DS has learned how to hammer a nail, put in a screw, all kinds of things I never would have thought to do wih a 4-year-old. The other day DH showed him how to use a dolly to move a box in the garage!

My DH does this too with our girls:) They may not do it well, but they know how to hammer in nails, screw in screws, tighten bolts, etc. They've even gotten to spackle and paint over repairs in the wall.

[Myira]

DH is better at engaging the kids than me, and they think Daddy is so much more fun! He roughhouses and does all kinds of silly slapstick stuff with them. They adore him :) On the flip side they find mommy a tad boring at this point. I am just much more serious and cannot engage kids this age especially my DS.

[Giantbear]

where is the "he does it all" choice??

[BabyBearsMom]

My DH is pretty great with the kids. He does DD2's wake up and bedtime routine. He also does DD1's daycare drop off and pick up. He usually plays with the kids when they are up and we are home. He will take the kids on errands and he often takes DD1 to her gymnastic class. He does a lot of the outside play with DD1 (DD2 doesn't do much outside at this point). We don't often visit family separately and DH is less comfortable taking the kids to activities (play dates, birthday parties or major events, like I just took DD1 to Disney on Ice), but that is more because he is introverted by nature and doesn't like to be in social situations with people he doesn't know well. He will do it if I am unavailable.

[twowhat?]

where is the "he does it all" choice??

:( Sorry, GB.

[o_mom]

He might take the kids for a car ride after dinner so I can get some cleaning done, or take them up for an errand like to the grocery store or to get gas or a car wash. But rarely *plays* with them. DH will rough-house with the kids a bit, but almost never goes in to their play room or another room to actually *play* with them.

All the division of labor issues aside (which might be your bigger issues), I think you might also look at re-framing your mindset on this.

His way of interacting with them may not be the same as yours, or what you pictured, but that does not make it any less valid. Many times over the years posters here complained that DH couldn't match outfits right or didn't do the bath in the right order, etc. The overwheming response has always been 'Let him do it his way'. I think the same thing applies here - roughhousing may not be your cup of tea and might not be the same as playing house with them but it is still a time of connection and interaction. Some kids (or parents) are not cuddlers, and rough-housing fills their need for contact.

Taking them on errands is not a horrible thing either - mine *love* to go on errands with Daddy. We try to split them up so that they get 1:1 time doing that. They learn plenty on those outings that they won't get at home playing with toys. To be honest - I hated with a passion pretend play with the kids at that age. I was happy they had each other to play with. I would look for ways to encourage his relationship with them - and that may mean explicitly saying 'you spend time with them, I'll do the clean up', but be open that it does not have to be play in the playroom with kid toys.

[egoldber]

:yeahthat:

I think DH is a great, involved dad. But he would rather put his eye out with a poker than sit on the floor and play pretend play with the kids. Frankly, so would I. I don't really think that's a bad thing.

[BabbyO]

DH is great and does almost everything you listed...except the school stuff. Our kids aren't in school. He does outings, but usually only if I'm there or if I push him to do it. He actually does all the AM care/getting them out the door and to the sitter. I prep it for him by getting clothes, etc. out.

Frankly, sometime I complain that he's too good at playing with them. He'll ignore the chores around the house and play. I wish I could learn how to do that, though. He'll have many more memories of playing with them after dinner when they were little than I will...because I'm always preoccupied with prepping for the next day and doing dishes.

He's also great at free play and making up stories, which Stachio LOVES. He also encourages Stachio to cook with him, which they both LOVE to do. He can get Peanut to bed better than I can many nights, and if Peanut wakes up in the middle of the night, DH is the only one who can get him calmed down and back in his bed.

Yesterday he went to Peanut's 18 mo WCC and he took Stachio to the doc this morning because he developed croup (doesn't respond to steam/cold air) and DH didn't bat an eye lash about it. My boys and I are pretty lucky!

[codex57]

All the division of labor issues aside (which might be your bigger issues), I think you might also look at re-framing your mindset on this.

His way of interacting with them may not be the same as yours, or what you pictured, but that does not make it any less valid. Many times over the years posters here complained that DH couldn't match outfits right or didn't do the bath in the right order, etc. The overwheming response has always been 'Let him do it his way'. I think the same thing applies here - roughhousing may not be your cup of tea and might not be the same as playing house with them but it is still a time of connection and interaction. Some kids (or parents) are not cuddlers, and rough-housing fills their need for contact.

Taking them on errands is not a horrible thing either - mine *love* to go on errands with Daddy. We try to split them up so that they get 1:1 time doing that. They learn plenty on those outings that they won't get at home playing with toys. To be honest - I hated with a passion pretend play with the kids at that age. I was happy they had each other to play with. I would look for ways to encourage his relationship with them - and that may mean explicitly saying 'you spend time with them, I'll do the clean up', but be open that it does not have to be play in the playroom with kid toys.

Thank you. Guys just do things differently than girls. Your life becomes a lot easier when you accept that fact and don't expect him to act like you. Roughhousing is how guys play. Yes, I'll play tea party with DD or Legos with DS, but we also start roughhousing after a bit. Or skip the toys and just wrestle each other. Not always in the "play" room. But, that's still "playing" with kids and bonding with them. Same with taking them out on errands. That's bonding time too. Since DD likes to stick with me and DW doesn't like running errands, I take DD with me. We talk and stuff. Sometimes, I put on music I'd like them to grow up liking (similar to how I like Elvis and oldies cuz that's what I listened to when riding around with my parents). Guys have their own way of doing things (and order) so it'll stress you out less if you just ignore how and when he does it for about 12-24 hours (like chores - he may do other stuff instead of cleaning up right after a meal, and choose to do it late at night or in the morning). As long as it gets done in a reasonable amount of time, just be glad it was done and you don't have to do it. Who cares how it was done? Your way probably is more efficient or whatever, but hey, it got done. If it never gets done in a "reasonable" amount of time, then feel free to complain. Just know that a guy's definition of "reasonable" amount of time is usually quite different from girls. That's why I say give him 12-24 hours before deciding that he'll "never" do it.

For example, the cleaning up after dinner. Same with toys. It bugs DW that the house is dirty from dishes and toys after I get home. My line of thinking is, "hey, I get home late. I'm tired and I have limited time with my kids before its their bedtime. Cleaning is a low priority to me right now." Oftentimes, the mess is still there when she wakes up to go to work in the morning. Me and the kids wake up later and I take em to school. However, by the time she gets home today with the kids and she's all tired, everything will have been put away and the dishes will be clean and she doesn't have to look at it or do it. She's learn that for us, 12-24 hours is a "reasonable" amount of time. What matters is she doesn't want to come home to a dirty house (well, she'd prefer never but compromise and when she's most tired is when it bugs her the most) and she doesn't.

[A1icia]

I checked almost all the activities. DH are I both very involved - actually a lot the activities we generally do as a family.

My only complaint is the amount for time DH spends on his Smartphone. I frequently want to pry it from his hands and stomp on it.

[joonbug]

DH does dinner every day and the evening routine every other day (we take turns): that includes bath, teeth, PJs, story and sitting with DD untill she falls asleep. He also plays with her - on the weekends as he usually makes it home just for dinner during the week - more physical play than me (ball, obstacle courses, takes her to the park when I have 'me time' on Saturday or Sunday, or errands). I'm more into imaginative play, cars, dolls, etc. However, in the last month or DH's schedule has been CRAZY to the point we have not really seen him during the week and it's starting to take its toll :/... So he's been trying to spend the whole weekend day with DD, hopefully next week it's back to normal. I do wish he was more engaged into playing with her, or letting her play by herself - she'll whine but eventually, she figures out something. He relays on TV too much.... I don't mind DD being bored and teaching her to occupy herself once in a while ;).

[ourbabygirl]

Thanks, Everyone. Yeah, I appreciate the times that DH will take the kids up to Home Depot or something (I do most of the errands and all of the dr. & dentist appts. and conferences). Usually he just kind of checks out and goes into his office after dinner or a lot of times on weekends, so I'm the automatic default left with the kids since I'm the mom and even more so since I'm the SAHM, I guess. I don't have an office to go escape to like he does (he could sit and play video games on his computer for hours if I didn't nag him to come and hang out with us after a while). He'll come with us on a walk in the neighborhood or to the library on occasion, or out to play in the back yard, but he does so very begrudgingly. So I'm either mad/ resentful that I'm taking the initiative and taking the kids out on my own, or I feel bad/ guilty if I ask him to come and do stuff with us and he grumbles about it or acts p!ssed off or checked out when we're out doing something (gets mad at the kids quickly if they're being a bit too loud in the library or sits on his phone while we do our thing there).

Anyhow.... I appreciate your feedback and suggestions.

[Giantbear]

Thanks, Everyone. Yeah, I appreciate the times that DH will take the kids up to Home Depot or something (I do most of the errands and all of the dr. & dentist appts. and conferences). Usually he just kind of checks out and goes into his office after dinner or a lot of times on weekends, so I'm the automatic default left with the kids since I'm the mom and even more so since I'm the SAHM, I guess. I don't have an office to go escape to like he does (he could sit and play video games on his computer for hours if I didn't nag him to come and hang out with us after a while). He'll come with us on a walk in the neighborhood or to the library on occasion, or out to play in the back yard, but he does so very begrudgingly. So I'm either mad/ resentful that I'm taking the initiative and taking the kids out on my own, or I feel bad/ guilty if I ask him to come and do stuff with us and he grumbles about it or acts p!ssed off or checked out when we're out doing something (gets mad at the kids quickly if they're being a bit too loud in the library or sits on his phone while we do our thing there).

Anyhow.... I appreciate your feedback and suggestions.sound slike dad needs to adjust his priorities

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Thanks, Everyone. Yeah, I appreciate the times that DH will take the kids up to Home Depot or something (I do most of the errands and all of the dr. & dentist appts. and conferences). Usually he just kind of checks out and goes into his office after dinner or a lot of times on weekends, so I'm the automatic default left with the kids since I'm the mom and even more so since I'm the SAHM, I guess. I don't have an office to go escape to like he does (he could sit and play video games on his computer for hours if I didn't nag him to come and hang out with us after a while). He'll come with us on a walk in the neighborhood or to the library on occasion, or out to play in the back yard, but he does so very begrudgingly. So I'm either mad/ resentful that I'm taking the initiative and taking the kids out on my own, or I feel bad/ guilty if I ask him to come and do stuff with us and he grumbles about it or acts p!ssed off or checked out when we're out doing something (gets mad at the kids quickly if they're being a bit too loud in the library or sits on his phone while we do our thing there).

Anyhow.... I appreciate your feedback and suggestions.

so sorry., that stinks. when i was a SAHM i did what wellyes said and i handed him the kids as soon as he was off work..at least for an hour or so...i would do dishes, laundry or whatnot without kids grabbing me constantly. as other PP said i would explain to him (maybe not while kids are there, DH & i can never have meaninful conversations while kids are awake) that after he gets home from work he's on kid duty for a while. I would explain it's not just to give you a break, but so kids and can spend time with him, and so you can get other stuff done around the house. Here we kind of think of it is taking "shifts" with the kids..like i ll say "Ok, you give the kids a bath and while I clean up the kitchen/make their lunches." It may be easier if he has explicit instructions n what to do.

and while i agree with codex, that some guys just aren't into "playing" with kids in the traditional sense, i do also think that in many cases guys just need to suck it up and quit using the "i'm tired from work" excuse. Not wanting to play with kids after 8 hours of working is not just a guy thing.. Heck, the last thing *I* want to do when i walk in the door is change a poopy diaper and have kids climbing over me and shouting at me to play with them. It's not fun & games for me either. I'd rather sit down and eat my dinner in silence (i'm usually starving), but that's usually not what happens of course. :)

[codex57]

Thanks, Everyone. Yeah, I appreciate the times that DH will take the kids up to Home Depot or something (I do most of the errands and all of the dr. & dentist appts. and conferences). Usually he just kind of checks out and goes into his office after dinner or a lot of times on weekends, so I'm the automatic default left with the kids since I'm the mom and even more so since I'm the SAHM, I guess. I don't have an office to go escape to like he does (he could sit and play video games on his computer for hours if I didn't nag him to come and hang out with us after a while). He'll come with us on a walk in the neighborhood or to the library on occasion, or out to play in the back yard, but he does so very begrudgingly. So I'm either mad/ resentful that I'm taking the initiative and taking the kids out on my own, or I feel bad/ guilty if I ask him to come and do stuff with us and he grumbles about it or acts p!ssed off or checked out when we're out doing something (gets mad at the kids quickly if they're being a bit too loud in the library or sits on his phone while we do our thing there).

Anyhow.... I appreciate your feedback and suggestions.

That ain't cool. Yeah, everyone needs their me time, but that doesn't just mean him. He isn't the worst dad in the world, but there's definitely room for improvement. Sometimes someone needs to be the one to take initiative and that can get tiring, but things will never be totally equal. However, he's gotta meet you halfway tho. He can retreat and get me time after the kids go to bed.

The phone thing... well, I think that's a problem across all generations now. When your kids get older, you'll be fighting to pry the phones outta their hands too.

[elektra]

While we are still not near 50/50, DH has gotten a lot better in the past 2 years. I think he saw some other active dads in action and he realized he should be doing more. I also think he just does better with older kids. His involvement is not the playing barbies type of thing. He likes to take the kids on errands and has them help him around the house with projects on the weekends. And he likes to wrestle with them or practice baseball/softball. Not a ton of deep conversations- more doing. He is also trying hard to help DD with reading lately. And I have never seen him leave work as early as he has the past month for the once a week practices for DS's baseball team. He struggles though because it is his nature to want to just come home and crawl off on his own for some alone time. He hates eating together- he would rather eat in complete isolation and peace.

[twowhat?]

That ain't cool. Yeah, everyone needs their me time, but that doesn't just mean him. He isn't the worst dad in the world, but there's definitely room for improvement. Sometimes someone needs to be the one to take initiative and that can get tiring, but things will never be totally equal. However, he's gotta meet you halfway tho. He can retreat and get me time after the kids go to bed.

The phone thing... well, I think that's a problem across all generations now. When your kids get older, you'll be fighting to pry the phones outta their hands too.

One thing that helped DH see where I was coming from was to explain that if I was "working" in the evening (either taking care of the kids, entertaining them, or doing housework), then I needed him to "work" too (i.e. if I am doing dishes, he can entertain the kids. If I am doing bath, he can do the dishes) so that by the time the girls go to bed, we can both finish up whatever is left and BOTH of us can have me time. In other words, at the end of a tiring day, it's not fair for one person to retreat into an office to unwind while the other gets stuck doing kid duty. I get that this is fine SOMETIMES (DH has a particularly hard day at work or whatever - I'm OK with pulling more than my share when that happens) but it cannot be the norm!

Codex, your earlier post made me laugh because DH is the same way - he's fine with letting dishes sit with the intent of getting around to them the next morning. I've had to learn that that's OK so long as they get done:) But - it drives me nuts ;)

[elektra]

Codex, your earlier post made me laugh because DH is the same way - he's fine with letting dishes sit with the intent of getting around to them the next morning. I've had to learn that that's OK so long as they get done:) But - it drives me nuts ;)

I was laughing too but because I am the one who can leave dirty dishes for awhile and be ok with it.
DH wants them cleaned up "right this instant". Like even before the meal is served. He does not care if his/our food gets cold- he will clean up almost all the cooking dishes before sitting down to eat.
I do 95% of our weekday cooking and kid nighttime routine and he can't seem to understand why sometimes he will come home from work I have not yet sprayed down the table right after we eat. Sorry, but sometimes I need to start the bath right away if its getting late and the table can be sprayed after they are in bed!

[codex57]

Codex, your earlier post made me laugh because DH is the same way - he's fine with letting dishes sit with the intent of getting around to them the next morning. I've had to learn that that's OK so long as they get done:) But - it drives me nuts ;)

I know, I know. Drives DW nuts too for the most part. She's getting better at accepting it. I'm just trying to explain the thought process behind it so that others know that we actually do have a reason for letting it sit. You may think it's a stupid reason, but it makes sense in our heads. :) Hopefully, you'll be willing to work on a compromise. I am too. I rarely let them go overnight now. She's allowing them to sit beyond immediately and I've generally gotten to the point where they'll at least be done before she wakes up. We're never gonna see eye to eye on that one. lol

[mackmama]

DH doesn't do very much alone with DC (who is 2yo). I'm a SAHM and am the one who does most of what's on your poll. On the weekends or in the evenings, we're usually all hanging out together as a family - during which time DH is fairly involved and having fun with DC. Occasionally I will ask DH to take DC somewhere on a weekend for an hour or two so that I can get a short break - but I don't think that's ever happened without my specifically asking. DH does read the bedtime story which is great. While I do wish that he'd be a little more proactive in doing stuff alone with DC, I am generally happy with DH's involvement, though. He works very hard, and he also does a lot around the house.

[alexsmommy]

I'm on here because DH is upstairs manning the bedtime routine. If he's home he does bedtime. He reads to them. He will play ball with them. If he's available he will happily take them to their activities. He just coached one of DS1's teams and if DS2 and DS3 likes a sport he feels confident coaching, he'll do it again. When DS1 has been hospitalized (pneumonia, asthma, Kawasaki's) he did all of the overnights with him. He's not the greatest at imaginitive play, but he will take sips of "tea" and bites of "pizza" when presented with wood versions of these and will call DS3 "Buzz Lightyear" when "Buzz" comes running up from the playroom. He will help with homework when I ask and is equally active in talking to our boys about life lessons and who we want them to be as people.

He's not as good when they aren't talking yet, but I never felt as though I couldn't go out and leave him with them even when they were tiny babies.

He's a great Dad. I feel very fortunate.