Terrible confession--I don't really like my 18 mo right now.

[bisous]

This is terrible to admit but I don't really enjoy or feel connected to my 18mo. He temperament is SO difficult. He spends a large part of each day having a tantrum while hanging on my leg. When he is sick (like right now) I find it difficult to do anything at all. I'm really tired of not getting anything done. I'm tired of having to wait until he is asleep to clean the house. I'm tired of missing out on my (very pleasant) 5yo and 9yo who have been so patient with my lack of attentiveness. I'm tired of eating frozen lasagna or packaged foods for dinner because I cannot cook with DS underfoot.

But what is really killing me is that I just plain don't feel connected to DS3 like I do to DS1 and DS2. I'm sure I am less effective at figuring out what to do to help DS3 because I am disconnected from him. Half of the time during his fits I just walk away and truly don't care. This is in direct contrast to my DS1 who was ALSO difficult (albeit in a different way) and I spent all my energy figuring out how to help him! I feel badly that I don't feel a similar drive. Instead I roll my eyes and can't wait until he is asleep.

My neighbor who does childcare said she hasn't seen a baby quite this difficult before so I know he is exceptional. On a day to day basis, I've come up with routines that make life manageable for us but I need to conquer my inner feelings and I really don't know how. I have never felt this way towards a child before and I feel terrible! DS3 deserves better.

[bisous]

I wanted to say also, that I've left a lot of my threads hanging lately and that isn't on purpose! It has just been that kind of week. I'm really looking forward to any suggestions anyone has but I may not be able to reply until this evening.

Thank you!

[mommylamb]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to just send hugs. I'm sure this must be tearing you up. Some kids are really hard. It doesn't mean you don't love them, and it's ok to need a break from them. I hope you can get one.

[Mopey]

No advice but big hugs. I had a terror of a day yesterday so I know how you are feeling - especially about not getting anything done. Hang in there and I hope it gets much better very soon!

:hug:

[mjs64]

Hugs. Big hugs. I had a really really hard time with DS at that age (and you have 3 to handle!). I couldn't get anything done. One
Saturday I spent 3 hours trying to do one load of laundry.

I hope you can give yourself a break. It's so hard!

[bisous]

Thank you for your sweet thoughts. I think on some level I need a "break" and on some level we need to work through our relationship some how. It breaks my heart that I just can't figure out how to give this child what he needs--and that sometimes I give up even WANTING to know what he needs, you know?

I'm trying to figure out some way of connecting to with him and I'm just coming up empty. Maybe this is a stage type of thing and it will get better?

[anonomom]

:hug: 18 months can be infuriating. I wish I had advice for you.

[MSWR0319]

18-24 months was the WORST with DS1 and he sounds like yours. It's a good thing I didn't know how bad he really was since he was the first. I didn't get ANYTHING done for months and always found myself wondering how other people did all this stuff when they had kids that age. DS2 is a whole different world. He's only 10 months old and I can tell he's not going to be like his brother, thank goodness! I feel your pain, I really do. I still have days when I find myself really struggling to try and deal with him and he's 4.5. I usually take a step bavk and just try to do something fun with him and that helps me feel better with him, but it's hard at 18 months. Just know you aren't alone. Can you find someone who can help you get a break once in awhile?

[Philly Mom]

Hugs to you. Is there a program he can go to a couple says a week to give you a break. May give you a break and give him an energy outlet.

[Nooknookmom]

This is terrible to admit but I don't really enjoy or feel connected to my 18mo. He temperament is SO difficult. He spends a large part of each day having a tantrum while hanging on my leg. When he is sick (like right now) I find it difficult to do anything at all. I'm really tired of not getting anything done. I'm tired of having to wait until he is asleep to clean the house. I'm tired of missing out on my (very pleasant) 5yo and 9yo who have been so patient with my lack of attentiveness. I'm tired of eating frozen lasagna or packaged foods for dinner because I cannot cook with DS underfoot.

But what is really killing me is that I just plain don't feel connected to DS3 like I do to DS1 and DS2. I'm sure I am less effective at figuring out what to do to help DS3 because I am disconnected from him. Half of the time during his fits I just walk away and truly don't care. This is in direct contrast to my DS1 who was ALSO difficult (albeit in a different way) and I spent all my energy figuring out how to help him! I feel badly that I don't feel a similar drive. Instead I roll my eyes and can't wait until he is asleep.

My neighbor who does childcare said she hasn't seen a baby quite this difficult before so I know he is exceptional. On a day to day basis, I've come up with routines that make life manageable for us but I need to conquer my inner feelings and I really don't know how. I have never felt this way towards a child before and I feel terrible! DS3 deserves better.


DD2 was just like that. I would have to take her outside at 6mo old and let her touch the trees and say"rough" and touch the sidewalk "soft" evry day to just challenge and entertain her....i did EVERY storytime and event hru our city to keep her busy.

It wasn't till she was about 3 that it settled down some. I got NOTHING done, she cried all day, she was very intense and needed stimulation and learning ALL the time. To her defense she had severe reflux from birth and her peri GI said it could have had an effect on her temperament-but I think she just takes after me and my Dad's side ;)

I had a connection wih her but like you I did have distant moments and DD1 was SOOOO different and we were joined at the hip from the get go. She was very easy going and compliant but still inquisitive-two different animals. 100% different!

As a 5 yo she is still quite intense-but is a very inquisitive and intelligent little kindergartner!

Hang in there it will get better.

I love his girl to the moon and back and would not change her "intense" personality for te world!

[AJP]

Ah, hugs. It has to get better. I don't remember my twins being as difficult at this age my DS is 20 months. Maybe it's because they had eachother, but my DS doesn't let me get anything done! And the whining some days is non stop. Hope the next few months bring a change for you!

[gatorsmom]

I understand completely. I felt the same way with Greenbean when he was 3yo for about a year. But thank goodness he is changing into an easier child and we are bonding more.

Don't worry, op, babies change and grow and hopefully he will be out of this difficult phase soon. Until then :hug:

[candybomiller]

I could have written your post a couple of years ago. DS2 was difficult from about 15 months on. I almost lost my mind. I felt horrible that I couldn't stand to be around him for any length of time. I hate to tell you this, but it lasted until he was 5. We got to the point that we took him to the doctor and basically put it all on her plate. We tried some medications that were HORRIBLE. The side effects were really intense. Finally we took him off the meds and had him evaluated by the local preK school. He qualified for their free preschool because he had problems in a couple of areas.

Now that he's 5.5, I adore him. He's still difficult, but he has preschool in the morning and we see a child-specialized therapist to help him learn boundaries and how to communicate with us. It has been a god send.

I wish I had advice for you. I'm sending BIG HUGS because I know how difficult it is. I had days where I honestly was willing to leave him at the park to find his own way home. Ok, it was never THAT bad, but I've been there.

On another note, is there any chance you're suffering from any sort of depression? I know that my depression was a big cause of why I was feeling so disconnected. Maybe talk to your doctor. HUGS.

[TxCat]

Is it realistic at all for you to get a break a few times a week? An afternoon babysitter a couple of days a week so you could have some time to recharge your batteries? The time away may give you more energy and patience the rest of the time.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm so sorry you're in that place. I was there, too, with DS. I hung in there until he was about 24 months. Then he went to preschool 2 days each week. I was actually really burnt out by them, and he was my only child!!! It does get better. Hugs to you!

[belovedgandp]

No great advice, but I think there are at least six months sometime between 1 and 2 that all kids are superbly ugly. Just remember there will be happiness on the other side.

[hillview]

hugs. DS2 was like this.

[daisyd]

I feel your pain. Hugs. I wanted to echo PPs suggestions of a babysitter. The book "your explosive child" might be helpful. I gather its for older children but some principles might apply even now. Its very readable btw -I'm reading it now.

Hang in there. Better days will come.

[maestramommy]

:hug::hug: I have gone through phases like that with all 3 of my kids. Usually when they were going through an exceptionally trying phase. But if your DS has always been like that, that's really tough. I think it's normal to have those feelings though, esp (though people may disagree) if he is not your first.

[fedoragirl]

Sending :hug: especially since mine shares a birthday with yours so I know how difficult this age is. I had a very calm, easygoing first and she has hit the tantrum phase now at 3. Unfortunately, DS has also decided he wants to do the same at 18 months. So yeah, I get how things never get done.
I am sorry and I hope you can feel better about your relationship with DS3. I completely understand the guilt about ignoring your other kids while you attend to the needs of the youngest. At some point, you have to walk away just so you can regain your sanity and give something of yourself to the other kid(s) in your family.

[lmh2402]

oh my gosh...hugs to you

i really can relate. it's almost impossible to know which is worse - dealing with the uber-difficult child, or the crazy guilt for just not being able to want to deal on many, many, MANY days

i don't have any great advice, just hugs, commiseration and sympathy :hug: :hug:

[jerseygirl07067]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Thank you for being so candid with your thoughts. I think you said something that many people might feel but never would admit -which makes it hard! My DD #1 hit difficult behavior at 18 months, but by the time she was 2 she had been through the worst of it. My hope is that will be the case for you.

I understand your feelings, I have 3 ( ages 9, 7, and 3) and honestly I feel very burnt out on the parenting thing a lot these days and I just don't have the patience for m 3 y/o that I did with my other two. I find that I get annoyed with her more than I get enjoyment with her. It's sad to admit, but true. Whining after whining, tantrum after tantrum, I'm so over it already. I was never like this with my first two. There are many days (as a PP said) that I just "don't want to deal"....

Hugs to you!

[smilequeen]

I understand your feelings, I have 3 ( ages 9, 7, and 3) and honestly I feel very burnt out on the parenting thing a lot these days and I just don't have the patience for m 3 y/o that I did with my other two. I find that I get annoyed with her more than I get enjoyment with her. It's sad to admit, but true. Whining after whining, tantrum after tantrum, I'm so over it already. I was never like this with my first two. There are many days (as a PP said) that I just "don't want to deal"....

Hugs to you!

Genders and ages different, but this is me too.

I have a harder time connecting with my 3rd. I have a harder time dealing with things that I feel like I did perfectly well with for my 1st two. Sometimes I feel like I was really rocking 2 kids. It was so awesome that I wanted that 3rd and here he is and really...he's an amazing kid. Sweet, smart, funny. I adore him. But in so many ways I suck at parenting him. And the 2 year old things, they bug me more than my other 2 boys. I'm more burnt out. I hate it, it makes me feel like crap, so guilty because he deserves the same mom the other 2 had. And OMG! He's such a mama's boy. He absolutely adores me. Just wants me near him all the time and I get so touched out.

Anyway, I think it's normal and I understand how you feel :)

[jerseygirl07067]

Genders and ages different, but this is me too.

I have a harder time connecting with my 3rd. I have a harder time dealing with things that I feel like I did perfectly well with for my 1st two. Sometimes I feel like I was really rocking 2 kids. It was so awesome that I wanted that 3rd and here he is and really...he's an amazing kid. Sweet, smart, funny. I adore him. But in so many ways I suck at parenting him. And the 2 year old things, they bug me more than my other 2 boys. I'm more burnt out. I hate it, it makes me feel like crap, so guilty because he deserves the same mom the other 2 had. And OMG! He's such a mama's boy. He absolutely adores me. Just wants me near him all the time and I get so touched out.

Anyway, I think it's normal and I understand how you feel :)

Yes, the rocking two kids comment is so true!! I really was rocking 2 kids, but 3, not so much. I feel like I look like one of those haggard moms now.....

[jerseygirl07067]

Genders and ages different, but this is me too.

I have a harder time connecting with my 3rd. I have a harder time dealing with things that I feel like I did perfectly well with for my 1st two. Sometimes I feel like I was really rocking 2 kids. It was so awesome that I wanted that 3rd and here he is and really...he's an amazing kid. Sweet, smart, funny. I adore him. But in so many ways I suck at parenting him. And the 2 year old things, they bug me more than my other 2 boys. I'm more burnt out. I hate it, it makes me feel like crap, so guilty because he deserves the same mom the other 2 had. And OMG! He's such a mama's boy. He absolutely adores me. Just wants me near him all the time and I get so touched out.

Anyway, I think it's normal and I understand how you feel :)

Yes, the rocking two kids comment is so true!! I really was rocking 2 kids, but 3, not so much. I feel like I look like one of those haggard moms now.....now I get how they wind up looking like that, lol!!!

[bisous]

Thank you so much for the commiseration and understanding. It helps more than you know. It is touching to read about the kids I've "followed" here on the BBB and to hear updates that they are doing better (I'm thinking of greenbean) makes me feel hopeful. Also, lmh2402 I remember some of your posts and just felt like you needed to be so kind to yourself--that you are doing an awesome job! It helps me to put myself in someone else's shoes to realize that I also need to be kind to myself. Fedoragirl, it always warms my heart to hear about your LO who is a birthday twin with my DS3. It makes this board seem so real. It is great to hear about moms of three who similarly struggle with kids of various ages and stages and the difficulty to meet the needs of all of them.

I wish that the advice that I need a break from DS was the answer I needed, though. I do feel fortunate that several times a week usually I get some kind of break. Last weekend I had a five hour break on Saturday for an appointment and then three hours later in the afternoon. Both were much appreciated but did little to help my feelings towards my DS. While I am temporarily happy to "escape" when i see him again, the feelings all come back.

I think that guilt summarizes part of my issue. He is a profoundly unhappy child. He cries a lot. I mean A LOT despite my attempts at soothing him. At some point each day, I realize for my own sanity that I just have to tune the cries out and it makes me feel inhuman and unresponsive to do this and it kills my link and compassion to him. Does that make sense? To add to my guilt he is super underweight. He is just barely 18 months and not yet 20 pounds. I never feel good about it but constantly feel the stress of feeding him properly and enough. I feel like he might have tummy issues but I hesitate to do an elimination diet because he is already so, so picky and so skinny that I can't afford to lose any calories.

Anyway, already you've helped me in this issue so if the board feels collectively like it has done enough, I agree with you! If anyone is so inclined or has any advice, I'd love some tips on how to feel more connected to him again or even how to help his crying, I'm all ears. I'll take any criticism or tips you've got.

Sincerely, Jen

[chottumommy]

To add to my guilt he is super underweight. He is just barely 18 months and not yet 20 pounds. I never feel good about it but constantly feel the stress of feeding him properly and enough. I feel like he might have tummy issues but I hesitate to do an elimination diet because he is already so, so picky and so skinny that I can't afford to lose any calories.
Sincerely, Jen

This part about the weight combined with the crying would make me rethink. It could be more than general fussiness. He might have food intolerances or something more that makes me not digest his food well. Did you talk to your ped about it?

Anyway hugs to you. My DS1 was an extremely difficult baby - he almost hated being a baby. Things turned around his 3rd birthday. I used get anxiety attacks everytime DH traveled over the weekend and I had to have him all by myself.

[bisous]

Thanks, Chottumommy. He has a ped appointment in a week and I'll discuss it with her again. She is really attentive and knows me really well so hopefully she'll have some advice or some strategy to help feed him. I've already seen nutritionists and they truly haven't been too helpful. But this is a good angle to pursue, truly.

[magnoliaparadise]

Hugs to you. I have a 17 month old and I know how hard it is to get things done!
I agree with the suggestion to talk to your ped about possible medical issues - hopefully none, but it would be good just to feel reassured. I had a friend who had a newborn who cried all the time and the doctors all said that he was just really collicky, but after about 6 or 8 weeks with my friend returning to the doctor and asking for help, it turned out that the baby really did have something that needed medical attention and the whiny-ness was caused by that (not a feeding issue in his case). I'm NOT saying that this is a probability with your child, but it would be so good to get reassurance that it is not. And to do that, I would look beyond feeding and just ask the pediatrician to re-check everything.
Good luck. You have your hands full with 3 and little time to yourself so give yourself a lot of leeway and be good to yourself. It's a lot.

[gatorsmom]

I wanted to add that I agree with chottumommy. I would be suspicious that his general malaise is related to him being underweight. I know you don't need one more thing to occupy your time, but it could be helpful to keep a food diary for him. Note when and what he eats at what time he eats and his behavior for the next few hours afterward. GI docs take very detailed histories to try to figure out what is going on so I would start writing things down to remember all the important details.

Hugs to you. It's been so nice to see you posting again. You had slowed down for quite a while but I always remembered you because of your fun username. :)

[L'sMommy]

To add to my guilt he is super underweight. He is just barely 18 months and not yet 20 pounds. I never feel good about it but constantly feel the stress of feeding him properly and enough. I feel like he might have tummy issues but I hesitate to do an elimination diet because he is already so, so picky and so skinny that I can't afford to lose any calories.


I can totally relate to your post. I went through many, many periods of disliking DS1. I never had the courage to post about it for fear that I'd be flamed. DS1 was also severely underweight which added to my stress. I am still raw from feeding/weight issues. He was checked medically and they could never find anything wrong. He's FINALLY gaining weight and looks healthy. Thank goodness DS2 (4 mos) seems to be growing quickly and gaining weight. I, too, have to make an effort to have a better relationship with DS1 (4 y/o). I start getting annoyed with him in the first five minutes of him waking up. What I've realized is that he needs a ton of physical activity to get all the enery out. He does much better when he's out and about. Unfortunately, I'm more of a homebody so I have to make an effort to be out and about with him. And he talks non-stop from the time he wakes up and I'm very quiet so the incessent talking drives me absolutely crazy! DH has a much better relationship with DS1 because they are 2 peas in a pod. DS2 will be more like me, and from the very start I adored him. I don't remember having the same kind of connectedness with DS1, unfortunately.

Sorry I don't have advice but I had to reply when I saw your post. Hang in there!