please help me help DS - LONG

[lmh2402]

I need help from moms that have already traversed the tricky waters of hurt feelings.

DS has always been a very sensitive kid. very. he's always been the kid who gets pushed out of the way in the playground. toys snatched from him and he just watches it happen. etc, etc.

that's why i was so surprised. and upset last week. when he told me about the "get E game." (see thread here http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=454934) as updated in the thread, it turned out the "get E" game was in his head i guess??..as it was E getting him, not the other way around. this is background to explain that lately DS seems to be on the receiving end of some stuff.

then last Sun at swimming, he started crying in the pool and said he was sick and needed to get out. i was in the pool at the other end with DD for his class. DH was supposed to be hanging out on DS' end of the pool, but he was chatting with another dad. so DS started crying and calling for me.

I handed DD off to a teacher and got DS out and DH then came and got him dressed. DS did actually end up crouping like crazy Sun night and I didn't really think about swimming anymore

Then yest out of the blue he started telling me he wasn't going to swimming anymore. I just let it slide saying things like, "ok, we'll talk about it later." and "it's very important to mommy & daddy that you learn how to swim."

today we went to karate and he started crying once we got inside. it's a small class - DS and two other kids who are brothers. the brothers were acting a little rambunctious and jumping all over one another. DS seemed visibly overwhelmed and started bawling. i was shocked. he LOVES karate.

the teacher came over and coaxed him out and then he had a great time.

as we got in the car to go home he said, "i'm never going swimming b/c mark spits water in my face."

ah-ha.

i had no idea there was an actual issue with swimming. but apparently there was...is.

he spent the rest of the afternoon crying about this. crying about swimming. crying about mark. crying and saying he needs me to help him. he was curled up in a ball on the rug in the bathroom shuddering and sobbing saying he can't go back to swimming b/c of mark.

i was way out of my element.

to clarify, i have no clue who mark is. but again, i don't really monitor his class anymore b/c DD has her class at the same time.

i told him that next time mark spit water at him, that DS should say firmly, "hey, you can't spit water in my face. don't do that again." and then if Mark did it again, DS should tell one of the teachers.

DS bawled like crazy at this suggestion.

i then also told DS that mark was probably just teasing. and that it wasn't nice of him to do, but that i'm sure it wasn't b/c mark was trying to be mean.

this seemed to have no positive impact.

i told him that we didn't have to worry about swimming right now - we're going to miss class this weekend b/c we have a party.

but i know DS. i KNOW he's not going to let this drop. it will just be something that we'll have to deal with leading up to next weekend.

so help me. i'm so heartbroken. my poor DS. he's just so...overly...sensitive. but really, i can so relate. i was the same way. i'm still the same way.

what should i be telling him? how do i help him get through this? and similar social issues - i know they will only get worse as he gets older. he needs to "grow a thicker skin," so to speak. how do i help him get there?

thanks so much.

ETA: just to add that layered into all this talk of mark and swimming was tear-filled, sobbing begs for me to help him be happy. he kept asking if he could be happy and if i could help him. he kept saying he feels so sad. i can't stop thinking about this...it's eating me up. please give me any advice. thanks

[hillview]

well FWIW DS2 last year (he was 4) had a kid who was bullying him at school. He totally melted down, refused to go to school clawing like a captured lion. The other 5 year old was hitting him and telling him he was going to kill him. DS2 thought he really was. All that is to say that
- to a young child threats are taken literaly often
- there may be something more going on (either with mark or at school etc)
- I would work to get to the bottom of it and let him know that you will keep him safe

At that age (4) I really don't think it is so much about a kid developing a tougher skin it is more about feeling safe and learning how to cope (which is likely what you mean by tougher skin). DS2 also need to feel that I will protect him (as will other adults like teachers and instructors). He also needed to be with adults who WILL do that (vs let 4 year old sort it out) if it is something he can't deal with.

HUGS that is very hard.

[lmh2402]

At that age (4) I really don't think it is so much about a kid developing a tougher skin it is more about feeling safe and learning how to cope (which is likely what you mean by tougher skin). DS2 also need to feel that I will protect him (as will other adults like teachers and instructors). He also needed to be with adults who WILL do that (vs let 4 year old sort it out) if it is something he can't deal with.

HUGS that is very hard.

yes this is exactly what i meant. i did not mean to imply that he needs to just get over it

i'm seriously so sad right now. i need some advice on HOW to help him understand that he's safe. that it's ok. that we would never let anything happen to him. i'm clearly not suing the right words b/c he was truly a mess tonight. even when i put him into bed, he just welled up again and said, "mama, i'm so sad. i just want to be happy."

it's making me want to crawl into his bed and just stay there with him. my poor boy.

[elbenn]

Could your DH take your DD to her next swimming lesson so that you could monitor your DS's swimming lesson? This might make your DS feel better about going to the swimming lesson.

[ArizonaGirl]

My DS (4) is extremely sensitive.

If you tell him that you did x thing (that he likes) without him he will melt down.

He still tells me that "Joe" a kid in his class is not a nice "friend." "Joe" punched him several MONTHS ago.

He is just an extremely sensitive child and we just keep repeating, sort of a mantra, I don't like that, stop xxxx, and then tell the teacher.

It is so hard to see their hearts broken.

:hug:

[edurnemk]

i'm seriously so sad right now. i need some advice on HOW to help him understand that he's safe. that it's ok. that we would never let anything happen to him. i'm clearly not suing the right words b/c he was truly a mess tonight. even when i put him into bed, he just welled up again and said, "mama, i'm so sad. i just want to be happy."

.

As far as the words to use, focus on acknowledging his feelings and help him name them. Forget explaining the other boy's behavior, giving him advice, etc. Just answer him with things like "wow, it must make you angry to have someone spit water in your face", "you must be very angry/upset" and basically just listen to him, letting him see you are paying attention to him. He'll find it easier to talk about how he feels and feel better about it. If he mentions being scared I'd take the chance to mention that you'll always protect him. When he's feeling better ask him if he thinks he'd feel better if you sat by and watched his class to make sure mark doesn't tease him.

[crl]

I am NOT an expert. But my experience with my anxious ds was that after a certain point I just had to cut him off. Allowing him to continue to dwell on whatever was causing him anxiety just made everything worse. I tried to acknowledge his feelings, but in a matter of fact way. And then I did everything I could to cut the obsessing off. I would tell him we could talk about it again tomorrow or the day of class or whatever. He wasn't able to stop himself, he needed me to help impose some boundaries on his anxiety.

There is a book often recommended here. Maybe "Freeing Your Child from Anxiety"? I did read it a few years ago and found it somewhat helpful. I think ds was about four. It seemed like it would be even more helpful with an older child. It's really hard to deal with at the preschool age. :hug:

Your son may just be much better at expressing things than my ds was, but I did not hear nearly as much "sad" as you seem to. I know you have done a ton to help him, but can't remember if you have a psychiatrist for him? Do you think he might be depressed?

Catherine

[gatorsmom]

This is probably not the best solution but if I was tired, overwhelmed and didn't want to work through another difficult social situation (and I've been there, believe me), I'd take the easy route. I'd take him out of that swim class and get him private lessons until he was a little better able to cope with the group swim classes. We did it for Greenbean for a year. He became more confident and comfortable in the water. Without having to worry about getting splashed and spit on, he could focus on learning. It also became one less social situation for him to navigate during the day. And one less activity where I was walking on egg shells wondering if something would happen. After a year or so, he was very happy in the water and he could cope with a little splashing. It was a remarkable achievement for him.

I understand how hard it is to see them suffering. :hug:

[StantonHyde]

We give DS 5 minutes to obsess and then we're moving on. Otherwise, it is a total snowball. YMMV

[hillview]

I agree w Catherine that I'd consider seeing a psych to just get a second opinion if there is something else going on with him. I also agree with Lisa that I'd consider pulling him. Usually I am tough about sticking with an activity but given the meltdown and other issues, it might be the right thing to do here.

WRT how to make him feel safe, what I would say to DS when he was getting anxious was to simply say that it was a grown ups job to keep him safe (in his case it was a bully and he wanted to learn karate to fight him). So I'd come up with a short sentence that you can say when he is anxious that is reassuring but not opening the can of worms. Might be simply Mommy will keep you safe (and your DH could say Daddy will keep you safe). More of a mantra that he can tell himself as well.

[lmh2402]

thanks, guys.

appreciate the suggestions. for next week we're going to switch and i will be with DS and DH will be with DD. and we'll just see how it goes. if it's too much and we have to pull him, than we'll pull him. hoping we can work through it though.

thanks again