Do you have rules for when your spouse is at work/traveling?

[elektra]

DH and I have never discussed rules about never being alone with a colleague of the opposite sex, or any other rules.
I definitely agree that not putting yourself in a position of temptation is very good idea, because all slopes can become slippery......

However, I would not consider just being alone with someone that place where I would draw that temptation line.
When I am traveling for work, especially to this annual conference, there is a male colleague of mine who I always partner up with. We coordinate taking the train together, we share a rental car, we eat breakfast together. We chat about our kids, spouses, our furniture preferences, and a lot about work stuff. It's a lot of "alone" time together. DH does know about our travel time.
DH also has a lot of alone time with female colleagues, has to work late, etc.

I do sort of have a rule for myself though- it's that I try to conduct myself in a way where anything I am doing or saying I would still do or say if my DH was right there. It is a good gauge for me. The only time I cross this line is when I am confiding in a female friend about any issues DH and I might be having. And even then, I try to keep it so that I would still be able to admit to DH that I said these things.
Oh and I guess I make sure not to drink too much!
But these are things I have just thought about on my own. And then I trust DH to figure out his own strategy. I may have to share my thoughts though! I feel like it should go unsaid though.

ETA: I am also in the camp of thinking that anyone can have an affair at any time. I am always a bit surprised when people say their DH would never ever have an affair. I think people are human and even if you have rules, there is always the potential that that trust can be broken. I think my DH is a very good man and I don't think he has cheated on me, but you never really know.

[bisous]

DH and I try to not be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. DH did have to go to a conference with a woman coworker. They shared a car, rode the plane together, and stayed at the same hotel. But they didn't share meals together (alone) even though they are good friends. I actually think they share the same standards about spending time alone with eachother. DH keeps me posted about everything.

I know it seems like it would be impossible to know that someone wouldn't cheat (and truly, anything is possible) but I trust DH more than anyone I've ever known. He is just such a straight arrow. When I was 8 months preggo in the hot, hot, summer he and I caught one of the Charlie's Angels movies. During a scene that had a strip tease (and it wasn't even bad) he turned his head away in the theatre! I was so impressed with that. He just doesn't want to even "see" or be tempted by anyone else.

I'm sure these standards are not for everyone but they work out fine in our situation.

Oh, and I have about as much of a chance of spending time alone with another guy as I have of winning the lottery, lol. I pretty much spend time with little kids and possibly their mothers!

[AnnieW625]

We don't have rules, but it has essentially been a non issue for us. I have carpooled on occaision with my male boss, my DH has gone to lunch with his boss, who is a female. Neither have bothered either one of us.

I do not travel for my work at all so I have never once had a work conference temptation, although at some times in my office there has been a fair amount of male eye candy in my office, but again IMHO looking and not touching or flirting is very different than looking, flirting, and trying to carry on behind someone else's back.

I assume the same about DH's opposite sex co workers. It doesn't bother me. DH travels for work although not to usually exciting locales and it is usually engineering related so really no temptations there. This past week he went and visited his brother+family, and then my parents the second night he was there.

I have often been thought of as "one of the guys" here at work for a long time. DH has met them all and all of them are married and have kids (or one of them his wife is pregnant with their first).


........ETA: I am also in the camp of thinking that anyone can have an affair at any time. I am always a bit surprised when people say their DH would never ever have an affair. I think people are human and even if you have rules, there is always the potential that that trust can be broken. I think my DH is a very good man and I don't think he has cheated on me, but you never really know.

I agree with this as well. I cheated on my DH when we were dating. It really could have happened at anytime, but I guess I was just happy that I got it out of my system when I did. I was 22, in San Diego, and DH was 25 and in Sacramento. I do not believe DH has ever cheated on me while we were dating but if he did he's kept it a secret this long and well that would be ancient history now. Kind of like him admitting to me 10 yrs. later that he had a great lap dance at a strip club in college or for someone's bachelor party. I would not be hurt, but I know I am not the norm here about that kind of thing. I posted a similar post (http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=436697&highlight=rules+vegas) about 6 months ago when my DH was contemplating going to Vegas for a guys weekend (he ended up not being able to go) and I was surprised at how many people said their DH's didn't need rules when they went to Vegas, but now it seems to be completely the opposite here when work is involved.

[hillview]

DH and I have had explicit discussions about this. We both travel a lot and he lacks boundraries and also doesn't read people well. For him it is not to go out drinking with a particular woman he works with who I believe has an interest in him and who he travels with at times. For me I use my judgement and don't go drinking with a particular guy at work who I knows likes me; I also hang out in groups (sometimes just all men -- such is my work) but avoid drinking/hanging out with just one guy. Sometimes I do end up having breakfast with a guy who I work with (we end up in the dinning room at the same time).

[crl]

Not that kind of rule. I don't work anymore, but when I did I rarely went out with co-workers. On the occasions, I did it was in groups or with women. But that was just how it played out, not a rule. Dh is a senior lawyer at a big law firm so does a fair amount of wining and dining clients and prospective employees and such. I have no idea if he has had drinks or dinner with a female client or co-worker "alone". If he has, it wouldn't bother me. I don't think that situation would present any particular temptation to him. I know he has meetings one on one in the office with women because he has mentioned them to me. For some reason he is the person people whine to about one of the partners and he will tell me so and so was back in my office again. I imagine his door is closed for those meetings, given the subject matter.

I also find the idea that it is only members of the opposite sex that present a temptation very strange. People are bi and gay after all. And some of them come out after being married. Whatever works for people in their marriages is fine by me, but if I were worried about one on one dinners and such, I can't help but think gender wouldn't matter and we would have to agree to no one on one time with anyone else who isn't a relative.

But we do have one sort of related rule, Dh is supposed to email me if he is going to be home after midnight. That way I don't wake up, realize he still isn't home, and start worrying.

Catherine

[Pennylane]

My DH travels weekly but he deals with men 99 % of the time so we don't have any set rules. I expect him to know what would be considered inappropriate behavior and to be respectful of me as I would of him. In his last company, the guys would all go out to strip clubs and he knows how I feel about those , so he didn't go. FYI, not opposed to them so much as it would just make me crazy that he would spend our money there !

Ann

[Pennylane]

But we do have one sort of related rule, Dh is supposed to email me if he is going to be home after midnight. That way I don't wake up, realize he still isn't home, and start worrying.

Catherine

This is also something we do. He does know to call me at a decent hour so I don't worry about him.

Ann

[gatorsmom]

My hard fast rule is NO STRIP clubs and NO GAMBLING. But my DH has an addictive personality and admits he has problems with gambling. He's in AA too.

[MelissaTC]

I just ask him that he calls me or texts me so I know that he is in his hotel room at night. I want to know that he has arrived and departed safely.

[AnnieW625]

I just ask him that he calls me or texts me so I know that he is in his hotel room at night. I want to know that he has arrived and departed safely.

Oh yeah, I guess if that is a rule then that is about the only one we have. DH usually calls to face time chat with the girls before bed unless he is on a plane.

[brittone2]

We've never set up any formal rules. We both have about the same comfort level as to what is appropriate. He tends to skype chat or call with us most nights, both domestically and abroad. DH also tends to do a lot to try to stay in touch with the kids when he travels-he'll do things like text them a video of his breakfast, a cool fountain he walked by, something neat on the street, etc. It makes them feel more connected to him, and he to them. Obviously that doesn't mean he couldn't do whatever he wanted at another time when we aren't texting or chatting, but the communication is open, and I find that helpful.

There are definitely certain things that would be outside my comfort zone, but we've never discussed them because I think he has a pretty good sense of what would be crossing the line. If we had a reason to spell it out, I guess we might, but right now we both seem to have about the same idea of what is appropriate or not.

[BunnyBee]

Mine does not travel much, but there's an annual conference that turns into a big old drunk/stupid fest. He doesn't go every year, but it is important to go and network. There was a woman I'd met and got a really bad vibe from her. She wanted to carpool with him and I asked him to say no and not ever be alone with her. She has a reputation in the community, and not that I think anything would happen, but that people would see them together and think something was.

I keep thinking of that dentist in Arkansas who fired the hygienist for being too hot. She had no interest in him whatsoever... Anyway, we have joking "rules" that are fairly colorful, but I think we have laid out boundaries pretty well.

[elektra]

A couple minutes after posting this, a male colleague invited me to lunch- we have met for lunch once before. It would be just the two of us.
Maybe I do meet male colleagues one-on-one more than I realized!

I plan to try and meet up, schedules permitting. He offered to meet as a celebration for an announcement about me at work (I am changing jobs within the company).

I was actually able to push through a big project last year because of my friendly (and completely on the up-and-up) relationship with this guy.
It would be a good meeting to take. I will likely mention it to DH, but mostly because I do not meet with colleagues for lunch often, as I work from home almost daily. I guess I probably also want to make sure he wouldn't think I was trying to keep it from him as well, since it is a man I would be meeting with.

ETA: I think DH meets female (and male) sales reps for lunch more often than he mentions. It's just part of his job and I wouldn't expect him to tell me each time. Dinner would be different though, but mostly because it would mean he would be even later in coming home that usual.

[Zukini]

DH travels to South America for a week or more at a time. We're pretty newly married but in our mid-thirties and both of us have been nurturing professional careers for awhile so we understand the pressures of traveling for work and also the expectation to be social. I trust him implicitly. We have some pretty "colorful" rules as a pp said, but they are very clear on boundaries and also on being respectful of and honest with each other.

We are both on SKYPE all day whether he's working upstairs at home or in a meeting in another country, and we text back on forth on going to lunch, yoga, running errands, dinner with the team, down to the bar for a drink before bed, etc. He has texted me the address of a restaurant or the name/contact info of another professional he has met in the Hotel Exec Lounge if they decide to venture out into a new city for dinner. We do this moreso for safety than anything else.

ps. He jokingly installed "Find Your Friend" on my iphone when I first got it a year ago, and I said very clearly that if I had to resort to an app to locate him, then we had a much bigger problem at hand.

[smilequeen]

We don't have rules for each other. We're not perfect, but in this respect I trust him as much as it's possible to. I'm not stupid. I don't think anyone on earth is completely safe from temptation, but I think DH is evolved enough that the mere presence of a woman is not going to be a problem. He works with a lot of women. I know them well. I'm fine if he goes out to dinner with them or drinks. Typically it's in groups anyway because they don't work a lot in pairs. When I worked, I ate meals with male colleagues all the time. I was a hospital resident and I ate with one of the other (male) residents pretty much every day.

I also believe that men and women can be friends. I prefer men honestly, easier to talk to, less judgmental. I also think that DH and I can enjoy a good looking person without being tempted. Bring on the movie sex scenes :)

[brittone2]

We don't have rules for each other. We're not perfect, but in this respect I trust him as much as it's possible to. I'm not stupid. I don't think anyone on earth is completely safe from temptation, but I think DH is evolved enough that the mere presence of a woman is not going to be a problem.

<snip>

I also believe that men and women can be friends.

Agree with this.

[crayonblue]

No, I don't have rules for DH. But, like I mentioned in the other thread, he has rules for himself.

[BayGirl2]

Well, I was one of the people who was floored by the "never be alone with someone of the opposite sex" comment in the other thread. I just can't fathom that kind of rule a. being realistically implementable/enforced within a typical career and b. being necessary in a healthy relationship. Maybe I'm just so used to working in a business environment that others here aren't?

Most of my team, bosses, Sr leadership, clients, business contacts are male. There are some females but certainly not the majority. I'm in the consulting industry so there's lots of travel (although not in the practice I'm currently in I only travel 4-5x/year now), remote work, meetings at clients, and just general flexibility in work location. It would never dawn on me to not share a ride with someone to the airport, go out to dinner together at the end of the work day, grab coffee together, be alone in a meeting room together. Not only would it be totally impractical and unproductive, I would seem super anti-social, which is just not me! Kind of would be cutting off my own opportunities to network, build relationships, and converse with people. I've never once in the last 15 years of my career felt any of these situations were in the least bit "tempting" or leading me or a colleague down any kind of path. In fact, if I learned a male colleague wasn't "allowed" to hang out with me I'd be kinda pissed and offended. DH is also in business and his situation is similar, its never even occurred to us to discuss this. We've never had a situation where we didn't share what we were up to when asked, although its usually more focused on something career-relevant and just comes up.

Has there ever been sexual interest in a work situation - yes - when I was single and those kind of interests showed up anywhere because I was "looking". Sure, I think anyone can cheat but generally I think for otherwise business-focused situations to slip into a cheating mode you have to be somewhat in that "looking" state of mind, for whatever reason. Otherwise its just not even on the radar.

The other thought I had after reading that thread was that its really easy to fall into the "nagging wife" stereotype with these kind of rules and expectations. So if one has that rule for their DH and he admits he was out with someone for coffee and broke the rule are you mad? Do you start questioning who he's with every day? Is he likely to be more open going forward? If I were constantly questioned and challenged about every personal interaction I had, or had to follow stringent rules I'd honestly be really annoyed. Its a marriage of adults and I'd be pretty offended if my DH thought I couldn't handle myself enough to not cross the line.
Also agree with CRL that same sex is of equal risk. So never be alone in pairs ever?

[JBaxter]

Rules.. Not really I trust him he trusts me. He does call me every day even international I get texts & pictures. He called me and showed me Facetime video of the fireworks from that really tall building in Dubai. I would never ask of him not to be alone with a female i think that's just crazy.

[sariana]

No, we've never discussed such a thing.

[lovin2shop]

No, and we both travel frequently.

[BayGirl2]

Sorry, the more I think about this the more it hits me at deeper levels. I guess I see this from the opposite angle as many who have these rules. If the men I worked with had these kind of agreements I would be affected, and in a sense, discriminated against for being female. I just thought of 10-15 situations in the last 6 months that would have not happened - each of which I found enjoyable (in a totally non-sexual way) and beneficial to building my personal relationships with my colleagues and my career. In my particular situation I work at home most of the time and ONLY see my team when we are traveling. Its mainly in pairs. It just makes me sad to think I, or any woman, would be excluded and treated differently for this reason, essentially presumed guilty.

I just think if you are going to have some boundary like this it needs to be non-gender-specific. Its fine for you and your DH to have rules, but its not fine for personal rules to affect the work environment in a way that makes the playing field less even for one gender.

[elliput]

Other than we must check in after arriving at our destination and touch base once a day to say good night to the kids, nope, no rules. Neither of us see the need for anything more than that.

[lovin2shop]

This issue reminds me of a conversation with one of my close friends. She is a SAHM, and her husband is in the corporate world in the same field as me. Our entire families are very close, like emergency contacts, any one of us could call in a lurch for help, you don't care what your house looks like kind of friends. She commented once that her DH is not "allowed" to have lunch with a female coworker. I pointed out that the female could very easily be me or someone just like me, and she still wasn't ok with it. Well, I'm glad that my other co-workers spouses do not feel the same because otherwise I would be left out EVERY day! My colleagues are all men. The ironic thing is that my friend deals with my DH one on one all the time for a joint kids activity. I would think nothing of it if they met for lunch one day to discuss. I definitely felt insulted when she mentioned this rule, but she is a good friend so I just tried (obviously unsuccessfully since I'm posting about it) to ignore.

[Green_Tea]

No rules here. I trust my husband. But if I didn't, I don't think rules would make a whit of difference. A spouse who is going to cheat is going to cheat.

ETA: DH and I both have many friends of the opposite sex that we hang out with, together and separately. Some of my guy friends are ones I've known since middle school! I can't imagine being told that I couldn't have lunch with one of them, or telling my husband that he couldn't have coffee with my best friend from college (who he is close with, too). It just seems kind of controlling and unfair.

[mmsmom]

Wow, this is opening up so many emotions for me. I was married for 7 years to XH, no DC, I trusted him completely. I was shocked and in complete denial when I found out he was cheating. Truly thought he never would. Then I realized it had been going on our whole relationship (10 years at the time)

Would rules have made a difference... I don't think so. I would have never even thought to have rules.

However I traveled and worked in a male dominated field and I did have unspoken rules for myself. Mainly because I was dealing with a lot of discrimination b/c I was female. So I always made sure to be as professional as I could... met at bar for a couple drinks after meeting/work/conference then excused myself & went to my room alone.

I kind of feel that if you feel you need to impose rules on your SO then there are underlying problems that need to be addressed. If you have rules for yourself, or SO has rules for themselves then fine. If you feel uneasy about dealings with the opposite sex then definitely have a conversation It is one of those things where you can't expect the other to know how you feel.

[LizLemon]

We don't have rules. The way this thread title is phrased is interesting - what about when you are at work? Women work as well. Both my husband and I work. I am in a field that is traditionally male-dominated but becoming less so all the time. Some of my closest friends in residency were male residents and fellows. Sometimes we would go to lunch just for fun, as part of a group or individually. However it was strictly a friendship, I was also friends with the residents' wives, and would hang out with the husband and wife socially. My husband would know was well that I went out to lunch with so-and-so. My husband also works in a field that is mostly males, but occasionally works with women.

My husband and I have never discussed rules. We are certainly not perfect, but I do trust him. It's hard to imagine our marriage being successful if we were at a place in which strict rules about behavior, contact with other genders, etc. were considered. Once that trust is lost I don't think rules are a replacement.

[westwoodmom04]

My dh travels rarely, and when he does, it is frequently international. I may speak with him briefly every other day. Frankly, I'm sure that there are more temptations at work as there are plenty of attractive young women working at the hospital. I would never ask him or expect him to adopt any rules about socializing with female co-workers, other then to not cross lines into a romantic relationship.

I worked outside the home in a male-dominated part of the law for about 12 or 13 years. Like Baygirl, I frequently would have meals or drinks with male co-workers, clients, experts, etc . . . outside working hours, especially when I traveled. I still will have lunch one on one with male work friends, and wouldn't think it worthy of mentioning to dh as out of the ordinary. I never once had a male colleague stay in when traveling, so I think these "rules" must be very regional, or just not followed rigidly.

[s7714]

No rules on interactions with co-workers of the opposite sex.

[pinkmomagain]

No rules here. DH would a) be insulted and b) wouldn't want to have to answer to rules.

DH works late hours and travels. He goes out for coffee, lunches, dinners and drinks with clients/colleagues a moderate amount. Some of whom are female. He never checks in during the day and I usually don't know when he is coming home (usually between 8-10pm). I really do trust him. I don't believe that it is impossible that something could happen, but I fundamentally trust him. In reverse, he is not the jealous type and I can't imagine he'd ever care to impose rules on me. So far this arrangement has worked for about 19 years and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

ETA: The mutual assumption is always that he will have the dinner I prepare at home each night (although rarely eats with us due to late hours). If he has a business dinner, he will let me know before leaving in the am or text/call at some point during the day.

[kara97210]

Other than we must check in after arriving at our destination and touch base once a day to say good night to the kids, nope, no rules. Neither of us see the need for anything more than that.

:yeahthat: This is us too. My DH travels a lot for work. I used to but rarely do now.

I also think it would be hard in my field to hold fast to a rule about not being 1:1 with the opposite gender. For example when I was pregnant with DD I went on a 3-day trip with a male co-worker to visit customers in southern California. Early each morning we met for breakfast in the hotel to work through our strategy for the day, talk through how we were going to handle meetings (who would cover what), etc. It was really helpful. We had dinner each night with a larger group (customers, locally based co-workers, etc.), but breakfast alone each morning.

[lyt202]

We have never felt the need to establish any rules. We don't travel much now but when we were younger both DH and I would travel for work regularly. Sometimes it was with a small group but I would also travel with just the law firm partner I was working with. We would often have working meetings, including meetings over meals, alone. It would have hurt my career to say I couldn't take a case because that would mean working alongside a male partner or if the partners had a rule about not working with female associates.

[daisysmom]

Sorry, the more I think about this the more it hits me at deeper levels. I guess I see this from the opposite angle as many who have these rules. If the men I worked with had these kind of agreements I would be affected, and in a sense, discriminated against for being female. I just thought of 10-15 situations in the last 6 months that would have not happened - each of which I found enjoyable (in a totally non-sexual way) and beneficial to building my personal relationships with my colleagues and my career.

I agree with this. As a partner in a large law firm, i work 95 percent with male partners, lawyers and frankly, clients. My husband is also a lawyer but he is in house, so does work a lot with female executive leadership. Both of us traveled a lot in our 20 years of practice (18 of which we have known each other). We freely have meals, drinks, coffee, and one on one conversations with members of the opposite gender one on one. Honestly we couldn't do our jobs if we had rules like that to obey. both when we are working in town and out.

We do always call each other or text each other at night when traveling. But honestly, work is. Priority for us... We can't be the professionals that we are and not integrate with the opposite gender.

I am confident that neither of us have cheated. But we have both seen o,entry of cheating in our profession - we have had lots of great friends split up because of work related affairs. I am thinking he no I have both had numerous opportunities to cheat - I know I have. But honestly, being married is a choice. I don't think we need rules- we just keep making the choice.

[MamaSnoo]

We do not have any specific rules. I do try to conduct myself professionally while at work or for work travel, and I think DH does the same. Behaving professionally, IMO, includes occasionally meeting alone with colleagues, and have it be obvious from the interaction that nothing is going on or desired. It also includes behaving well in group in such a way that it shows that I respect my marriage and family (not to mention myself.)

There was 1 occasion recently where I thought a work acquaintance was a little too friendly toward my husband. I asked him about it, and he agreed that he was not sure of her motivations. We agreed that he would limit social contact with this person because he is unsure of her intentions. I would do the same if I thought someone at work might be interested in me. But, not a blanket rule for all members of the opposite sex...or same sex for that matter.

[TwinFoxes]

We text a lot, and I like to have a text/phone call at transition points, for example arrival at airport, off to dinner, back to hotel. I'm not afraid of hookups, I'm afraid of muggers. :o DH travels solo, occasionally with his male boss. When I worked, I traveled often one on one with male colleagues. I'm a major texter, so DH always knew what I was up to. We've never discussed rules, but DH has never ever made me doubt him. I have every faith in him. I feel very lucky.

[pb&j]

Of course not.

Even before I met DH, I worked with and traveled for work with nearly 100% men. Yes, we ate dinner and even maybe had a beer together. But I was a professional, as were the men I worked with. It had nothing to do with my relationship (or lack thereof), and everything to do with my performance of my job.

There was NO WAY I was ever going to to allow my job performance to be doubted because of even a HINT of impropriety. The end.

For the record, all the men I worked with, married or single, also felt the same way. While I know for a fact there were those who didn't follow this code of ethics, I never ran across them. Or, I gave off the vibe that it would not be tolerated. I never once felt like I was in a compromising situation. Not one single time.

[TxCat]

No rules. Neither of us travels much for work, but DH is occasionally away from home 1 night/week (his workplace is a 90-minute commute, so sometimes he just stays in a hotel there one night a week). DH works pretty evenly with men and women, but I do worry occasionally about his female students, especially after he started getting "chili peppers" to signify "hotness" on ratemyprofessor.com. :rolleyes: I know that he never meets with female students privately - it's always in an open area, or with his office door wide open, etc. (more because of workplace rules/advice, not any requests of mine). I work mostly with men, and often have lunch or just get together to talk, with some of those male colleagues throughout the day. I have had what DH and I jokingly referred to as a "work husband" in the past, but it was nothing romantic or flirtatious - more of a brother/sister relationship at work. I think ultimately DH and I just both trust in our relationship and our commitment to our marriage. If he really wanted to cheat, I can't imagine that any rule I might come up with would prevent that.

[twowhat?]

We don't have rules but are completely transparent when it comes to this. I have had meals alone with a male friend/colleague while on work travel. DH has had meals alone with a female friend/colleague while on work travel. We both always know of these events and usually know/are also friends with the person that the spouse is having dinner with. Having a meal ALONE with someone of the opposite sex doesn't happen often (usually it's with a group of work colleagues). But it has happened. For example, at the last conference I went to, a friend from my old job and I found that we both had a couple hours free and neither of us had eaten lunch yet so we got together for lunch to catch up. There is no way I would ever think of him *that* way - gross!! He is just a friend.

DH typically IMs me when he's headed out to dinner. Something like "XYZ and the guys and I are heading out for dinner". I do the same. DH also IMs me when his plane is about to leave and he has to power down, and when he lands. Sometimes even when he gets to his hotel and checks in, and always when he's back in his room for the night. I do the same thing. If he is back in his room for the night at an early enough hour, we do a video chat so the girls can talk to Daddy before they go to bed. It kind of sounds like overkill, but neither of us ever discussed that this is what we'd do...it just evolved into it from a general "I'm interested in knowing how things are going with your day" kind of thing.

Tonight he sent me a pic of his super awesome hotel suite with 3 TVs (!!). I have sent him pics of the cheetah bathrobes with matching slippers in my hotel room.

That's just how we roll. But every couple is different.

[MontrealMum]

No rules here. I trust my husband. But if I didn't, I don't think rules would make a whit of difference. A spouse who is going to cheat is going to cheat.



:yeahthat: We do check in when travelling to say we've safely arrived and exchange hotel info or whatever, but that's about it.

DH and I actually discussed the other thread over dinner. His reaction, like mine, was "wasn't that covered by the vows?"

Like many others here I've been in a field that was predominantly male. I can't imagine trying to build a career in academia while never being alone with a member of the opposite sex.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

We text a lot, and I like to have a text/phone call at transition points, for example arrival at airport, off to dinner, back to hotel. I'm not afraid of hookups, I'm afraid of muggers. :o DH travels solo, occasionally with his male boss. When I worked, I traveled often one on one with male colleagues. I'm a major texter, so DH always knew what I was up to. We've never discussed rules, but DH has never ever made me doubt him. I have every faith in him. I feel very lucky.

:yeahthat:

this is us too. My DH travels a lot, probably 30% of the time. He always texts at major points - getting on plane, just landed, getting to hotel. he goes out to dinner a lot but it's mostly with folks he works with (almost all guys, mostly military). when he travels back to northeast my worry is either about muggers or him slipping on the ice or getting stuck there in a snowstorm. and yeah, we've never discussed rules but i've just never had any reason to worry about him about that. he's just not the type to seek that kind of attention or validation from women, and he's not going-out-for-drinks type (he can barely handle one beer with dinner!). we're just a couple of boring nerds. i consider myself very lucky :)

[KLD313]

Am I the only one wondering do rules really work? You can make rules until you're blue in the face but how do you know they're being followed? You can argue that you know they're being followed because you trust the person. OK, well if you trust them then why do you need rules in the first place? I'm not trying to be snarky, just triply curious. If someone wants to chest they're going to lie about it most likely.

I was cheated on by my XH. I thought I always knew where he was. He would call me and check in, etc. We didn't have rules but I highly doubt they would have stopped him if we did. Marriage implies no cheating to me.

I'm not directing this to the OP more of a collective "you" than singling anyone out. To answer the OP's question, my BF and I have no rules but he is extremely jealous and questions everything and I'm home with two kids all day. It's not a fun way to live.

[lilycat88]

No rules on interactions with co-workers of the opposite sex.

:yeahthat:

Honestly, it never even occurred to me. DH travels every few weeks often with single women and I travel a few times a year with men and it's just never even been a discussion item.

[edurnemk]

We don't have rules per se, but we do go by "Never put ourselves in a position that might make the other spouse uncomfortable. Or ask ourselves "would I be OK with my spouse doing this?"

I worked in a male dominated area, DH has never asked me to limit meetings or interactions with male coworkers or clients, because it was my job. DH travels every week, meets with clients, works late hours (management consulting). We trust each other and always know where the other one is. We skype every night, sometimes text during the day, and he always lets me know when he's leaving the office to come home, when he's arrived at his destinations, etc.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm the one who originally brought up the idea being discussed here in the other thread, but I think my posts were highly misunderstood. I have absolutely no rules for DH, and he has none for me. We do have rules for ourselves, and we have shared those boundaries with each other just as we have shared our philosophies of parenting and made agreements about how we, as individuals, want to parent, and about how we can work together so that our parenting styles complement each other so we can be united as a team. There is no imposition of rules on the other, just attempts to know each other and support each other in strengthening ourselves as people and in strengthening our partnership as a couple and as parents.

We are both big communicators. We both work counseling others about their relationships, and we discuss the pitfalls we hope to avoid and how we might be able to do that. Our choice to create boundaries for ourselves is a loving, respectful process and as much about how we, as individuals, can be emotionally honest with ourselves about when we might be slipping as it is about the other partner. We have both seen so many extra-marital relationships that start very innocently but slowly become situations of infidelity. We both feel we want to have a clear line that we will know when we have crossed so we will know when we are entering a potential danger zone.

The "rule" DH sets for himself is that, outside of work situations, he does not spend time with other women one-on-one or communicate with them one-on-one about anything not work-related. If he needs to do so, for some reason, he tells me. He is very careful that he have no intimacy socially, emotionally, or physically with another woman. He has friendships with women, and I know about them. His friends are now my friends, too. The same is true of my male friends, and my "rules" are the same.

DH does work one on one with many women (in fact, he is one of only two men in his office! His field is dominated by women), and, of course, many of his clients are women, and he hears the most intimate details of their lives behind closed doors, because he is a psychologist. Just as he has a standard of ethics he maintains behind those closed doors to make sure all is above board, he has a standard outside of them.

I have worked in teaching, counseling, ministry, and law, and I do not see how keeping this rule would be a problem. I don't have to drink alcohol, even in a bar. I don't have to talk about my personal life. I can stay work focused.

DH's choice not to socialize with colleagues outside of work with any degree of intimacy does not cause him to choose to interact with men but not with women, thereby discriminating against women or perpetuating an old boys network! It just means that he keeps his work life separate from his personal life. The reason his particular focus for his boundaries is on women is because he is heterosexual, so if he were to form an attraction, it would be to a woman. If he discovered he was homosexual or bi-sexual in a way that interacting with men on a personal level might lead him down a slippery slope, I assume he would assess his boundaries accordingly.

I don't think having "rules" needs to mean being rigid. I really think it is about self-examination and open communication. DH and I tend to lead examined and directed lives. If one of us should WANT to cheat, no number of rules would prevent it. However, if our goal is to guard our vows and be aware of how our behavior affects others and ourselves, being clear is better than muddling into a situation and suddenly wondering how you got there, IMO. The boundary you set may be different than the one I set, but thinking about where the boundary lies and what your rules are and how you'll know when you're approaching them or have crossed them is, I believe, a very good idea! That's why we do it in our marriage.

[niccig]

If he travels, he needs to call when he arrives. If he won't be home for dinner, he needs to let me know. If he'll be home later than expected, he needs to call to talk to DS and say goodnight.

We don't have rules about interactions with opposite sex.

I walked back across campus with a male classmate after getting a coffee during class break. He was right behind me in line. So we discussed the mid-term next week as we drank our coffee and walked across campus. I have those kinds of interactions all the time with male classmates or fathers of kids in DS's class. DH has similar interaction with female work colleagues and mothers of kids in DS's class.

[TwinFoxes]

Am I the only one wondering do rules really work? You can make rules until you're blue in the face but how do you know they're being followed? You can argue that you know they're being followed because you trust the person. OK, well if you trust them then why do you need rules in the first place? I'm not trying to be snarky, just triply curious. If someone wants to chest they're going to lie about it most likely.

Well, what I gathered in the other thread, some husbands made the rules for themselves, they weren't being dictated by their DWs. So the DHs are answering to their own consciences, not trying to convince their wives they're following the rules. I do see how that works. It's not for us, but I get it.

[joonbug]

No, never.

[Cam&Clay]

I would be insulted if a male colleague told me that he couldn't meet with me alone or have lunch/dinner with me when traveling for work. I would find it incredibly sexist.

It reminds me of my DH's conversations with men in the Middle East. They told him that the women there have to cover their bodies and faces so that they are not tempted, and that they do this out of respect for the women. DH told them that if they truly respected the women, they could walk around naked and not have to worry about being touched.

When DH and I travel, we are in touch more than once a day and we always tell each other what we're doing/who we're with. There have never been any rules mentioned.

[wendibird22]

We've never discussed rules. I travel 3-4 times a year and its always with the same group of colleagues. These people I only see a few times a year but we are all close friends now both the men and women. DH trusts me. But I'm also very forthcoming about who I am with, conversations we have, etc. They text me randomly funny things and I will share that with DH. Nothing is secretive and nothing is flirtatious. DH works in a female dominated field and so most of his time is with women and I'm not bothered either.

[Neatfreak]

I actually can't see how I would even be able to make "rules" that are entirely affected by the requirements of my husband's job/workplace ...

[tropicalmom]

We've never discussed it and honestly I'd never thought of it until the previous thread. DH used to travel a great deal to Asia and within Latin America and emails with details of plans were usually related to security issues. When he was going off to rural areas of Colombia 10 years ago, he sent me detailed information of travel plans, alternate contact numbers and such. He's even sent me license plates of taxis saying he is getting in it at X point and should be at Y point in 10 minutes. Again, security was the focus.

Now I'm the one traveling 2-3 weeks a month but never anywhere slightly dangerous. I am one of the few females at my level in the company and work remotely so on my monthly trips to corporate office often have dinner alone with my boss to catch up on things since days when I'm there are filled with meetings and interruptions. I also have lunch with another SVP with whom I work closely, again to discuss projects. If I didn't take advantage of lunches and dinners for meetings, I would need to plan longer trips and be away from home more so I'm all about maximizing time away. My boss and I need the face time regularly without interruption to discuss certain matters and I think it's valuable to my job and personal growth. Just had a dinner last month with him and although it was planned to be with other colleagues who were in town, it turned out to be just the two of us which was the best thing to happen since I needed to discuss with him my plans to relocate back to the US for family reasons (not where corp office is located) which turned out to be a concern for him. We could never have had the conversation we had at the office or with other people around and it was a very important conversation to understand his concerns and express my situation. Some time ago, he invited me to go with his family to see Christmas lights when I was in town so I know his wife and his two boys. She and I talked a great deal during dinner so I do think that was likely helpful to his wife so she could meet me to know who his husband is talking about when he says he's having dinner with me.

On my last trip a much younger male coworker asked to have dinner with me. He wanted some advice as to how to handle challenges he's having in his new position dealing with other departments on a project. It wasn't really a conversation we could have in the office due to cubicles and such. It was valuable one on one time for me to help mentor him and it would have been unfair for me to have a rule that I could mentor a female in that way and not a male. FTR, I know his fiancee and she knew we were having dinner together. He called her when we were leaving the restaurant to say he was on his way home and I took the opportunity to say hello to her.

As far as travel with other male colleagues, it happens all the time. I work for a company that has luxury vacation homes around the world and I oversee field operations-homes inspections, new home installs, things like that so I travel all over. On my trips I always stay in the homes and on new home installs the home tech guy is always there as well. Obviously these are 4-5 bedrooms homes so not sharing same room or bathroom. I've known him for years, know his mother and his siblings and DH knows him as well so he's almost like a brother to me. We prepare and eat meals together in the homes on these trips and I've never thought this was strange. He does the steaks and I make the salad. We're working long days on a project-he with cables and wiring and me with furniture and staff training and honestly it's nice to have the company and have someone to bounce ideas off at the end of the day. Would it be fair for me to say we should have a female in this position and terminate him and hire a woman? I would call that discrimination. We have a job to do and male/female shouldn't make a difference, best person for the job. Could some people view it strange that I'm staying in a beachfront home in Hawaii drinking wine on the terrace at night with a man who's not my husband? Perhaps but that is not in either of our minds and fortunately not in that of DH either. It wouldn't be seen as strange if this were a woman with me and that's where I think it just smacks as sexist to me.

One of my subordinates who oversees Europe is male and travels with me when I go there for annual inspection of those homes and we share a home on this trips. Again, I know his wife, he knows my husband. It's work and we both have a job to do.

What if the head of the company said he just didn't think it appropriate for men and women to be staying in the homes together on projects so my position should be filled by a man?

DH has transitioned into more of a househusband role-school pickup/drop off, shuttling to activities and now is always with the mom group. He's in classes at the gym with them as well. He has gone with another Mom and all the kids to see a children's theatre act and then had dinner with all of them. Could someone see them out and think something? Perhaps but myself and her DH know there's nothing strange going on. He has texts all over his phone from Moms about who's doing carpool today and such. These are just changing gender roles which work right now for my family and he's Latino and we're living in Latin America where gender roles have been more ingrained. Honestly, DH is great at this role. Will we switch back to him being the primary breadwinner for the family in the future-probably. It's just the ebb and flow along the path of married life and I'm glad DD is able to have one parent completely involved with the intricacies of her life every day and that one of us is earning enough to allow that.

If DH suggested some kind of limits it would greatly inhibit my ability to get my job done and I would take it as if he didn't trust me, to be honest. I will say, if there were past trust issues or past infidelity on my part, I could understand some sort of discussion about accountability.

I think in some industries barring one on one male/female interaction outside the office can limit opportunity for advancement based on one's gender and that just seems so wrong in the bottom of my being. We are human first and we need to mentor and be mentored. We have a job to do. The sexual part of our humanity is such a small part of who we are to automatically limit interactions based on that factor seems to limit so many possibilities for personal and professional growth and the free flow of ideas.