Ugh...I think my friend is mad

[Melaine]

Did I do the wrong thing?

This is a very close friend. She and I have very very different parenting styles and are pretty much opposites but we get along really well. We've known each other for 3 years now.

We were invited to her baby's first birthday and I RSVP'd yes. The party is today and it is at her house. One of the things about this friend that we differ dramatically on, is she is very relaxed about germs. An example would be we were on a playdate and she tells me that her toddler was throwing up the night before. Another example we are getting together at another friend's house and she says they have a little cold, but we get there and the kids are hacking so much that one vomits.

In her defense, I don't think she would hesitate to come help if we were sick and I asked her (like babysit). I just don't think she cares about it or worries. Also her kids don't have any history like asthma or anything, whereas mine have allergies and asthma and a crummy immune system. Plus her kids are in public school so probably have been exposed to more.

So anyway, back to now. I saw on facebook that her baby was vomiting last week. Then another kid was vomiting for a couple days over the weekend through Tuesday. If the party was outside or at a public venue, we probably still would have gone....but since it was at their house and the incubation period for stomach bugs is SO long, I decided we needed to miss it. Then I heard from another friend that the oldest child was throwing up Thursday night. So yesterday I sent her a message on Facebook that we weren't going to make it because we have been so sick and I just didn't want to risk it. I wanted to be honest because I just wanted her to know where I stand on exposure to sickness. She never responded which is very unusual for her. Now I feel really bad and I'm wondering if I should have just made another excuse. The kicker is DD2 had a fever last night so we would have missed anyway.

Should I have been less honest?

[Pennylane]

The only thing different I would have done is pick up the phone and call her instead of using FB. I think you could have given her a better explanation over the phone and explained how you we worried about your dc catching something.

Also if she is a really good friend, I might have tried to go alone and just left my dc at home. That way at least someone was there to celebrate her dc's first birthday.

Ann

[elizabethkott]

No, I think you were fine in your honesty.
FWIW, I'm with you. I don't like to expose my kids to sickness if I can avoid it. A friend has a very different style - she has no problem with her kids being around others with colds or the stomach bug, and says that "they'll all get it eventually". Perhaps that's why her kids are always sick? :)
She'll likely think you're nuts, the same way you and I think our illness-tolerant friends are nuts, but I wouldn't let it worry you. You do what you feel is right and works for your kids, and she does the same - you just differ in what you feel is right! ;)

[maybeebaby08]

The only thing different I would have done is pick up the phone and call her instead of using FB. I think you could have given her a better explanation over the phone and explained how you we worried about your dc catching something.

Also if she is a really good friend, I might have tried to go alone and just left my dc at home. That way at least someone was there to celebrate her dc's first birthday.

Ann

This exactly. I also think she should know your parenting style and not be offended. Maybe she's just busy getting ready for the party, and hasn't had time to respond.

[Momit]

Maybe she's just busy getting ready for the party? By risk it, you could have also meant you didn't want to risk getting her kids or others sick - it certainly doesn't sound rude or mean.

You can follow up with a phone call in a day or two, I agree with PP that sometimes an electronic message may be interpreted differently than how it was intended.

Hope your kiddos are all feeling better soon. Everyone I know is so ready to be done with cold and flu season!

[Melaine]

I probably should have called. But I am sometimes better at writing than speaking. I kind of feared that if I called she would talk me into coming and I was determined not to leave any room for debate.

[DietCokeLover]

I agree with others, I think a phone call rather than a message/ text/ email would have been received better. But, as others said, it could be that she is just busy with sick kids and a party coming up.

[mommylamb]

I don't think there's anything wrong with canceling, though I agree that it would be better to call than email. I think you could have explained it by reminding her how sick your kids have been all winter long and that you are just so drained by it that the thought of them getting sick again was just too much for you.

[Melaine]

I don't think there's anything wrong with canceling, though I agree that it would be better to call than email. I think you could have explained it by reminding her how sick your kids have been all winter long and that you are just so drained by it that the thought of them getting sick again was just too much for you.

Here is what I said:

I really feel sad to say this, but DH and I talked and we are going to have to miss Baby C's party. I'm SO sad not just because it's a big first birthday but because we have literally not had any social interaction for the last couple months. We have just been so sick and so sleepless and I'm just uncomfortable going over there since you guys had the stomach bug (and the incubation period for tummy things is SO long). Honestly, if we got a stomach thing right now, with my fragile mental state...I would just snap. I'm only exaggerating a little bit. Anyway, I'm so sorry. I feel so isolated and things have just really sucked over here. And I miss everyone and now I'm so sad about R moving. Anyway, I hope you understand and I hope the party is wonderful! Love you and give C a big birthday kiss from us!
-Melaine

[sarahsthreads]

You know what? I completely lost a close friend over this exact same issue. I don't think what you wrote was rude.

To be frank, I wish I had been honest with my ex-friend in the beginning, because my kids got so attached to her kids over the four or so years we were all hanging out that I feel really badly that I messed everything up. I just got so tired of making up excuses about why we suddenly couldn't get together (after reading her Facebook status about one of her kids being up all night throwing up) and one day I finally came out and told her the truth - not in a rude way, and phrased all about me being a complete germaphobe (which I'm not, except about stomach bugs) - and she hasn't spoken to me since. I'm sad, especially on my kids behalf, to have lost the friendship, though in a way it is a bit of a relief because I don't have to deal with the drama anymore.

I hope things turn out differently for you. But I don't think you did *anything* wrong. In my opinion, she's the one who's in the wrong for exposing a houseful of people to a potential stomach bug.

Sarah

[123LuckyMom]

I think it's always best to be honest so long as you're also kind. I don't think you did anything wrong. I hope your friend will get over it. She's probably just disappointed that you're not coming. How many posts have we had about folks worrying their parties won't be fun because so many people aren't coming!? She's probably stressed out, but you need not feel guilty.

[anonomom]

The only thing I might have done differently in your message is focus a little more on how the situation stinks for her as opposed to you. As written, I get less of an "I'm afraid of germs" message than a "I can't handle this party right now because I am stressed" message. Depending on how close you two are and how well she knows you, she might be a little bit nonplussed by that message.

That said, I do not think you did anything wrong (and please know I am NOT trying to slam you or add to your stress), and I think it's very likely that she's really busy and hasn't had time to respond to you.

Either way, I hope your kids get better soon and that you and your friend are cool.

[JBaxter]

I would have been annoyed you didnt take time to call. I find text/emails very impersonal not that you cancelled but that you did it through email/text.

[wellyes]

I'll go against the grain. I'd be put on the defensive if I got this message:
I'm just uncomfortable going over there since you guys had the stomach bug (and the incubation period for tummy things is SO long)Kind of a judgmental message to receive right when you're in the thick of things trying to put together a bday party - that you think her kids are putting other kids at risk. I could totally see another BBB mom posting here offended by that, since, apparently their kids have been 'well enough for school' for a couple days.

I do really understand not going but in the spirit of "live and let live" I'd probably have just gone with saying your kids aren't well enough. Which is true anyway.

[westwoodmom04]

I'll go against the grain. I'd be put on the defensive if I got this message: Kind of a judgmental message to receive right when you're in the thick of things trying to put together a bday party - that you think her kids are putting other kids at risk. I could totally see another BBB mom posting here offended by that, since, apparently their kids have been 'well enough for school' for a couple days.

I do really understand not going but in the spirit of "live and let live" I'd probably have just gone with saying your kids aren't well enough. Which is true anyway.

I agree with this, especially since it is a first birthday party.

[bigpassport]

I don't think your message or your decision is unreasonable at all. My first thought is that if the party is today, she's probably just too busy/stressed/preoccupied to respond. If she's disappointed you're not coming, that makes it even harder to compose a response. If she's a true friend, you won't lose the friendship over the issue. If the friendship falls apart, that would be disappointing but you wouldn't have made a different decision, right?

[Melaine]

I would have been annoyed you didnt take time to call. I find text/emails very impersonal not that you cancelled but that you did it through email/text.

yeah, I can see that. I hope she doesn't feel that way since we do 99% of our communication via facebook and text.

[Melaine]

I'll go against the grain. I'd be put on the defensive if I got this message: Kind of a judgmental message to receive right when you're in the thick of things trying to put together a bday party - that you think her kids are putting other kids at risk. I could totally see another BBB mom posting here offended by that, since, apparently their kids have been 'well enough for school' for a couple days.

I do really understand not going but in the spirit of "live and let live" I'd probably have just gone with saying your kids aren't well enough. Which is true anyway.

DD didn't get a fever until after I messaged so that wouldn't have worked. Also her child was vomiting on Thursday night so should not have been at school on Friday and it is less than 48 hours for the party. I agree it might be offensive....I'm really hoping not though. I really don't want to hurt our friendship. :-(

[Liziz]

Ok, so I'll start by admitting I am on the more relaxed side about germs. (DD's been in daycare since 3 months, and I realized in that situation I just have no option -- she's going to get exposed).

That being said -- I think it is 100% okay for you to bow out of a party because you don't want your kiddos exposed. There's nothing rude about it -- you know what's best for your kids and family.

But, if I were the other Mom, I would have been upset/offended by this sentence: "I'm just uncomfortable going over there since you guys had the stomach bug (and the incubation period for tummy things is SO long)". It does feel judgmental -- like she either doesn't know enough to understand tummy bugs, or that she's intentionally putting kids at risk of getting sick.

I don't think it's a friendship breaker. It shouldn't be, anyways. But if I were in her shoes...between that line and just being disappointed that a good friend wasn't going to be able to be at my LO's first birthday party....I would probably not have responded either, because I wouldn't know what to say.

I do understand where PP is coming from about being honest early in a friendship, but I think you could have phrased it in a more generic way and still let her know you're really careful about germs "we've been so sick lately, my kids aren't back to 100% and are still so susceptible. With so much going around right now, I just don't think we can risk it right now. I'd love to plan to get together in another week or two when my kids are back to full strength" or something like that.

[elizamom]

I think your note was totally honest and nice. You did what was best for you and your family, which isn't always easy, but its a good thing!

I would have done the same thing. Stomach bugs are no joke especially when the whole family gets them. Who needs that?!

I am sure your friend is extremely busy and stressed right now. There is a very good chance she simply hasn't responded because she is really busy.

[Melaine]

You're right...I guess I am a little judgemental that she wouldn't cancel the party, because some guests haven't been reading her facebook feed to know they have been dealing with this bug. I can imagine that I would be hurt to get that kind of message, and I am sure she is bummed to be losing guests.

Thanks guys....again I really hope this isn't a friendship breaker. The reason, to pp who mentioned it, that I phrased it the way I did was sort of an effort (perhaps misguided) to say, "it's not you, it's me" because DF knows I have GAD and really struggle with anxiety and that this is a specific trigger for me (my kids' health). So I was trying to make it more about my hangups and less about her....but I can see that might have been insensitive also.

[AnnieW625]

Please don't take this as an offense, but IMHO your post read like a BBB post and if I were the other mom I would read that as a WTH?!. I really think that email, Facebook, texting and non phone communication has made life a pain. Maybe it is because I am 35 (almost 36) that I really would have preferred a phone call if I were your friend. If your friend knows you have GAD about your kids' health she probably would have gotten that message if you had called her or said simply: "We can't attend C's party because I am worried about our kids getting sick now since your kids have been sick recently. Let's get together soon and celebrate Baby C's birthday when everyone is healthy. Give me a call when you have a chance."

I hope you haven't lost a friendship and honestly I think it would truly suck if you did lose a friendship over not going to a party, but it that is really the case then I really think you have to just move on and not blame yourself.

[Pennylane]

Here is what I said:

I really feel sad to say this, but DH and I talked and we are going to have to miss Baby C's party. I'm SO sad not just because it's a big first birthday but because we have literally not had any social interaction for the last couple months. We have just been so sick and so sleepless and I'm just uncomfortable going over there since you guys had the stomach bug (and the incubation period for tummy things is SO long). Honestly, if we got a stomach thing right now, with my fragile mental state...I would just snap. I'm only exaggerating a little bit. Anyway, I'm so sorry. I feel so isolated and things have just really sucked over here. And I miss everyone and now I'm so sad about R moving. Anyway, I hope you understand and I hope the party is wonderful! Love you and give C a big birthday kiss from us!
-Melaine

I don't think anything is wrong with what you said. Why don't you just pick up the phone and call her though. Maybe you could also drop off a gift.

Ann

[elektra]

I think her feelings may be hurt and she may be annoyed but I don think you will lose your friend over it.
I was in a similar situation for DD's family birthday party last weekend. The kids had had colds but each one had thrown up once. They were totally fine the day of the party (and ended up bouncing all day long in the bounce house). However even though they seemed fine, and their colds seemed minor to me, since it had only been a day since the vomiting, I emailed all the guests, letting them know about the illness. I said the party was still on, we would love to have them, but I understand if they could not come. The only person who didnt was DH's 99 year old grandmother, which is totally understandable. But even thoug I would have totally understood, it still would have hurt my feelings if one of the families had not come. And this is even with my annoyance of people bringing kids to parties who are really sick. It still would have hurt my feelings as a host! I am really sensitive though. :shrug:
So I am wondering if your friend may feel the same way, just hurt feelings, especially if she knows all that you guys have been through with illnesses recently.

[Kymberley]

It wouldn't bother me, and I think your wording was fine. Maybe call her and touch base.

[erosenst]

A casual friend and I just had a small 'tiff' over FB that was instantly resolved because she responded she was put off. I'm so glad she did. The issue was that she misinterpreted what I had written, and re-reading mine, I could see how she did. Had she not said anything, our friendship would have likely ended.

That's the problem with FB/text - there's no tone, and it's harder to say 'wait - do you mean xxxx'.

Since this is a close friend, I'd pick up the phone today and make sure everything is ok, ask about the party, try to find a time for a mini-celebration, etc.

[stefani]

I don't think you did anything wrong. If I were she, I would probably be very busy the day before and the day of the party, so I would not be writing / calling then.

Why don't you call her tomorrow or Monday and ask her about the party, drop off a small present, or plan to get together later when everyone is well?

[elektra]

A casual friend and I just had a small 'tiff' over FB that was instantly resolved because she responded she was put off. I'm so glad she did. The issue was that she misinterpreted what I had written, and re-reading mine, I could see how she did. Had she not said anything, our friendship would have likely ended.

That's the problem with FB/text - there's no tone, and it's harder to say 'wait - do you mean xxxx'.

Since this is a close friend, I'd pick up the phone today and make sure everything is ok, ask about the party, try to find a time for a mini-celebration, etc.

I totally agree that FB can cause misunderstandings! There have been times I see a picture with a location or read someone's post and I usually like to clarify what the deal was before taking a FB post as the complete picture of something. I tease on FB sometimes- people should not assume what is up with me just based on FB.

[Globetrotter]

She is probably busy but also feeling a little judged because of the comment about long incubation periods.

I had a fight with someone a week ago and neither one of us has communicated after that, which is very unusual. I think it's partly because I don't know what to say and it's too emotionally exhausting to figure it out right now as I have other stuff going on, so I will deal with it later.

Op, one day the kids will get older and these things won't matter so much.

[mommylamb]

Here is what I said:

I really feel sad to say this, but DH and I talked and we are going to have to miss Baby C's party. I'm SO sad not just because it's a big first birthday but because we have literally not had any social interaction for the last couple months. We have just been so sick and so sleepless and I'm just uncomfortable going over there since you guys had the stomach bug (and the incubation period for tummy things is SO long). Honestly, if we got a stomach thing right now, with my fragile mental state...I would just snap. I'm only exaggerating a little bit. Anyway, I'm so sorry. I feel so isolated and things have just really sucked over here. And I miss everyone and now I'm so sad about R moving. Anyway, I hope you understand and I hope the party is wonderful! Love you and give C a big birthday kiss from us!
-Melaine

I think that's perfectly acceptable. I hope she's not really mad.

[JustMe]

First off, yes, lets hope that maybe she is just a little busy and has not responded.

However, if this is not the case I think the route of the problem is that you have different parenting styles/feelings about germs/sicknesses. It may be difficult for her to understand that and she may take it personally.

I think I would wait a few days and then contact her, apologize for missing the party (I would not go into the whys again, just simply state you are sorry/sad about it) and propose some way to have a very small celebration. Not sure what would work for your 2 families but either you bring a small treat over, you go to a kid friendly place if one exists near you, etc. I think if she still does not respond/is cold to you than it really is her problem and she is not flexible enough in her friendships. Hopefully, that is not the case.

[Globetrotter]

I agree.. Plan a celebration for next week.

[ZeeBaby]

First off, yes, lets hope that maybe she is just a little busy and has not responded.

However, if this is not the case I think the route of the problem is that you have different parenting styles/feelings about germs/sicknesses. It may be difficult for her to understand that and she may take it personally.

I think I would wait a few days and then contact her, apologize for missing the party (I would not go into the whys again, just simply state you are sorry/sad about it) and propose some way to have a very small celebration. Not sure what would work for your 2 families but either you bring a small treat over, you go to a kid friendly place if one exists near you, etc. I think if she still does not respond/is cold to you than it really is her problem and she is not flexible enough in her friendships. Hopefully, that is not the case.

I think suggesting a get together is a good idea.

[BunnyBee]

If she knows you well, then she knows that you are a germaphobe and a little anxious. I would not be offended if a friend sent me the message you did. I might roll my eyes a little. ;) I'd assume she's busy with sick kids and planning a birthday party.

Call her Monday and plan an (outdoor!) get together to see the birthday kid. :)

[mjs64]

What can you do but be honest? You're clearly coming from a good place. If it had been me, I would have done it differently--but just because I'm a different person. If this is a friendship breaker, you don't want that friendship anyhow.

I think it will be okay--try not to worry.

[TwinFoxes]

If she knows you well, then she knows that you are a germaphobe and a little anxious. I would not be offended if a friend sent me the message you did. I might roll my eyes a little. ;) I'd assume she's busy with sick kids and planning a birthday party.

Call her Monday and plan an (outdoor!) get together to see the birthday kid. :)

:yeahthat:

[Tondi G]

I think your message was fine. I am the same way. I despise throwing up so I avoid people like the plague if I know they have been passing a tummy bug around in their house! If she is ready to dump your friendship over your desire to keep your family well then she isn't your friend. I would post something on facebook about your kiddo having a fever today ... bummer for the weekend!

Maybe e-mail or call after the party and see how it went. tell her you are so sorry you weren't able to be there and it was a good thing cause you wouldn't want to have your little one sharing their fever germs with the rest of the party goers!

Hope she has just been busy and wasn't able to respond.

[daisyd]

I don't think you did anything wrong. If I were she, I would probably be very busy the day before and the day of the party, so I would not be writing / calling then.

Why don't you call her tomorrow or Monday and ask her about the party, drop off a small present, or plan to get together later when everyone is well?

:yeahthat:

[Melaine]

Thank you for all of your thoughts on this. My friend sent me a very sweet and understanding message and it turns out they are re-scheduling the party because they were all still sick, plus the weather here was truly awful. I don't think she is mad at all, thankfully. I do feel like she knows me well enough to not hold it against me that I am paranoid and I do love her and her kids and am happy we will (Lord willing!) be able to go the party now that it is re-scheduled. I do think I was a little self-absorbed in my first message so I did tell her how sorry I was that THEY had been sick since I neglected to express that. Thanks guys!

[TwinFoxes]

Oh yay!! So glad everything is a-ok. Hopefully you'll be able to go to the party.

[Momit]

Glad all is well!

[maybeebaby08]

Glad she's not upset and I hope you can make it to the party when it's rescheduled!