Who do you talk to, if your marriage stinks?

[PMJ]

I've posted here before, but DH and I seem to have a terrible relationship. We can't talk to one another more than 5 minutes, and then he usually gets up and is frustrated - goes in the bedroom w/ his laptop/earphones.

This morning's argument started b/c I was frustrated that we only have 1 child. I told him I resented that he 'changed' his mind after marriage about 2 kids, and he could not give me any good reason why he only wanted 1. His response, "I just do". Then this morning, he tells me that "we both don't have trust / respect in one another and we can't have a conversation. So if we don't have a good relationship, why would we bring another child into the world?".

I agree w/ him....BUT I don't fell like he has been responsive with trying to make the relationship better. I've suggested several times: 1) sit down and write down to discuss the issues, make a plan to fix our mistakes / pitfalls, 2)GO SEe a therapist... 3) spend 10 minutes a day talking w/out DD.

I'm at a loss. I feel so helpless. I have no friends in the area, no family and frankly I don't want to talk w/them about this anyway.... Who do you turn to IRL w/ these issues? Therapist is no longer an option - b/c of $, and we are not Christian. ( no priest or someone to talk to).

[BunnyBee]

Do you have health insurance? Therapy is often covered, at least partially. Some therapists offer sliding scale fee schedules too, depending on your income.

Check out marriagebuilders.com (I think it is secular?)

Good luck.

[PMJ]

Do you have health insurance? Therapy is often covered, at least partially. Some therapists offer sliding scale fee schedules too, depending on your income.

Check out marriagebuilders.com (I think it is secular?)

Good luck.

We've got pretty good insurance - I still had to pay $25 co pay each time I went. Go 4 times a month - and that is already $100.

I'll try that site - thanks.

[daphne]

Every other week might be enough. At $50/month it would be a good investment in your marriage. BTDT. It's worth it!

[megs4413]

A few things jump out at me here:

1. You have no local friends. That needs to change. We all need some community. It's hard work to build a support system, but it's so worth it. I recommend a moms group or playgroup to get started. Try meet up.com

2. You and your DH can work on your relAtionship at home. Dedicate a time just like you would if you were in counseling. I recommend working through the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman.

3. How old is your DD? Do you or DH work long hours? I'm baffled as to why you aren't mustering 10 minutes of private talk time a day. Does your DD have a consistent and appropriate bedtime? Maybe there are some routine or scheduling issues adding to the lack of communication between you and your DH?

[mikala]

It might put it in perspective to compare the $ investment in marriage counseling vs the cost of a divorce lawyer and eventually separate residences, etc.....

Hugs. It sounds like a rough situation.

[Giantbear]

therapy is really the only avenue left, you need a third party to try and get you back on track. Anything you suggest will not work simply because you are suggesting it and you are a party to the conflict. You need a mediator, even if that person is going to repeat your suggestions.

[candybomiller]

I know you said therapy isn't an option, and I respect that. However I have to tell you that therapy saved my marriage and now we're planning on having another child. I totally get that money is tight, we're in the same situation, but we put our marriage above other things, especially fun things that took money. It wasn't a fun year, but we survived.

I feel for you, I really do. I hope that you are able to work things out.

[crl]

It might put it in perspective to compare the $ investment in marriage counseling vs the cost of a divorce lawyer and eventually separate residences, etc.....

Hugs. It sounds like a rough situation.

I agree with this. :grouphug:

Catherine

[sunnyside]

There are lots of lower cost therapy options out there. I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Being in a place where you have lost respect for each other is a tough place to be, and I'd imagine tough to recover from. I know what it's like to want another child badly, and to have been misled by your partner (or have them change their mind). I'm sorry.

When I was in your shoes, I wanted badly to keep my relationship, even though he was disrespectful and mean to me. Now that it's over, I'm glad it's over, though my life is much more expensive. I'm happier than I've been in many many years, though I won't everything is easy.

I might suggest that you talk to a therapist on your own, if he won't go. It might help you quite a bit. I still go, and it's changed my life.

Best wishes.

[PMJ]

I'm not trying to be difficult w/my responses, but just sharing my honest thoughts.


A few things jump out at me here:

1. You have no local friends. That needs to change.

I tried meetup when we first moved here - joined 3 different groups; had no luck. Hit it off w/ 1 person and that's it. I've reached out a TON to preschool moms, and again no response. I know it's not me b/c we had a ton of friends in our previous residence. Maybe it's the local area - people are just too busy. Either way, I still would not/ don't feel comfortable talking w/ friends about marriage issues - every one around seems to have this "perfect" marriage, and I feel like such an unhappy, failure and it depresses me even more.

2. You and your DH can work on your relAtionship at home. Dedicate a time just like you would if you were in counseling. I recommend working through the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman.

I will definitely try this book.

3. How old is your DD? Do you or DH work long hours? I'm baffled as to why you aren't mustering 10 minutes of private talk time a day. Does your DD have a consistent and appropriate bedtime? Maybe there are some routine or scheduling issues adding to the lack of communication between you and your DH?

DD is 3 1/2 yrs old. DH works long hours, but when he comes home, he eats in front of the tv and goes to watch tv (sports alone) or his laptop. If I start a conversation about his day etc...we again start arguing after 5 min, or he says I'm too tired, can we chat later. DD does go to bed regularly at 8 pm.


I know you said therapy isn't an option, and I respect that.

I know previous posters, when I posted before, said that therapy would help me even when I went alone, and I just did not see any big change. DH IS adamantly against therapy...his response, "why am I paying somebody to tell me what's wrong when I already know what's wrong". I don't know how to overcome this, if he is so against therapy.


I think the Crux of our issues stem from me thinking he is worthless, useless, does not help out -- and he sees and feels this. It's hard for me to change my attitude (I try so hard) - when he truly does not help w/ anything around the house.

[ExcitedMamma]

Have you heard of the love language book? It's wonderful about learning how to communicate with each other. There was even a story about a wife who wanted a better relationship with her husband and he was making no effort. She kept doing her part and he came around. Just a thought and won't cost you much if anything to read. I think I read it free on my kindle.

So sorry you're going through this and feeling alone!! I hope you can be in a better place soon!!

[sariana]

You don't have any friends from work? What are your work hours like?

I don't think people are suggesting that you should make friends so that you can talk to them about your marital issues. I think they are suggesting you should make friends so that you have some friends. It took me a while to get close to anyone here (been here 6 years now), but now that I do finally have a network of friends, I am much happier myself. It makes a big difference.

[TxCat]

therapy is really the only avenue left, you need a third party to try and get you back on track. Anything you suggest will not work simply because you are suggesting it and you are a party to the conflict. You need a mediator, even if that person is going to repeat your suggestions.

I 100% agree with this.

I apologize if this seems too blunt, but from your last description, you and your DH both sound miserable in your current state. I think you have to be completely direct and blunt (no way of knowing if you have been before, but if you haven't, now is the time to start). I would flat out tell DH that you think/know you need a neutral 3rd party to help you two find a way forward, whatever that may be, and that at the very least, you two owe it to your DD to attempt therapy right now.

[gatorsmom]

Therapy saved our marriage. I went for a long time before DH went half a dozen times. The first therapist I saw on my own was worthless. The second wasn't great either. The third one was the charm. She gave us tools that we use to communicate better to this day. She helped me see myself differently and my DH.

Go into your therapy session telling the therapist what you need. Ask them if they can help with that and how they plan to help you. If they suck, find someone you feel good about. Not all therapists are right for you. :hug:

[Mermanaid]

I'm sorry. Sometimes getting over the stigma is hard for some people. I can tell exactly what he thinks about it by your comment that he says he doesn't need to pay anyone to tell him what's wrong.

But, therapy isn't just to tell you what's wrong. It's to help you uncover the root of the issues and give you tools to learn to live with the root or fix it.

As other posters have mentioned, there are other methods to use such a books, etc. But I found therapy the best solution because I was able to get out my feelings and learn to understand why I felt the way I did (and it wasn't always the reason I thought).

I wish you the best of luck in both of you figuring out to move forward, happily.

[Giantbear]

I'm not trying to be difficult w/my responses, but just sharing my honest thoughts.



DD is 3 1/2 yrs old. DH works long hours, but when he comes home, he eats in front of the tv and goes to watch tv (sports alone) or his laptop. If I start a conversation about his day etc...we again start arguing after 5 min, or he says I'm too tired, can we chat later. DD does go to bed regularly at 8 pm.



I know previous posters, when I posted before, said that therapy would help me even when I went alone, and I just did not see any big change. DH IS adamantly against therapy...his response, "why am I paying somebody to tell me what's wrong when I already know what's wrong". I don't know how to overcome this, if he is so against therapy.


I think the Crux of our issues stem from me thinking he is worthless, useless, does not help out -- and he sees and feels this. It's hard for me to change my attitude (I try so hard) - when he truly does not help w/ anything around the house. your answer to him is this "we are not paying someone to tell us what is wrong with our marriage, we are paying them to help us to fix what is wrong with our marriage. We would not travel to an unknown place without a map or guide, the therapist is our map our guide."

[MamaMolly]

I think the Crux of our issues stem from me thinking he is worthless, useless, does not help out -- and he sees and feels this. It's hard for me to change my attitude (I try so hard) - when he truly does not help w/ anything around the house.

What does he think about you?

[megs4413]

You don't have any friends from work? What are your work hours like?

I don't think people are suggesting that you should make friends so that you can talk to them about your marital issues. I think they are suggesting you should make friends so that you have some friends. It took me a while to get close to anyone here (been here 6 years now), but now that I do finally have a network of friends, I am much happier myself. It makes a big difference.

Yes, this is what I meant.

To be brutally honest, if you think your DH is "worthless" and "useless" and he knows you feel that way, I can understand why he doesn't feel motivated to go to counseling with you or to chat with you regularly.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. Maybe it's time to think about whether or not you even want to be married to this man?

[Globetrotter]

I can't imagine life without my network of friends, not necessarily to talk about marital issues but for overall support.

[gatorsmom]

Yes, this is what I meant.

To be brutally honest, if you think your DH is "worthless" and "useless" and he knows you feel that way, I can understand why he doesn't feel motivated to go to counseling with you or to chat with you regularly.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. Maybe it's time to think about whether or not you even want to be married to this man?


Before you "jump to the dump", can you think back to what attracted you to him to begin with? What was it that you loved about him when you were dating?

A good therapist could help you find that spark again,btw. Do you think you could be projecting some of your feelings about yourself onto him? I do this someti mes to my DH. :bag

[BunnyBee]

Therapy is cheaper than a divorce, by a long shot. You sound depressed. You need to create a healthy emotional environment for your child. Even if you do not stay married to your husband, you need to work together to establish a respectful co-parenting relationship. Therapy may help you figure out whether you want to stay married, and if not, help you create a healthy situation for your child. Price out divorce attorneys. Price out collaborative divorce attorneys (the method I would suggest for anyone with children).

If you posted here that your husband thought you were utterly worthless, the board would largely agree that is emotional abuse and suggest you seek treatment and legal advice.

[poppy]

I would recommend marriage counseling. Even if you are not religious, many churches offer free marriage counseling to couples. I do not know where you live but I would pick the biggest church--usually, they have more ministries. A lot of ppl went who were not religious. I was in a support group at church and most ppl were not religious though it was church based.

I attend Saddleback Church (Rick Warren's church) and they train lay ppl for 60 hours to do counseling.
http://www.saddleback.com/lakeforest/carehelp/counseling/

Recommending books are easy but it's harder to read. I enjoyed the "Love Dare" based on the movie "Fireproof". http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Dare-Alex-Kendrick/dp/1433679590/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364064666&sr=8-1&keywords=love+dare

At premarital counseling I received a card at church with 10 steps to resolving conflict which I found helpful: I don't know how to scan so I'll copy it.

1. Set a time to meet
2. Set a neutral place to meet
3. Being in prayer
4. Define the issue to be resolved
5. Each share your position
6. Each point out whet you have done to contribute to the problem
7. Each point out how you can help resolve the issue
8. Agree on a resolution acceptable to both
9. Write down the resolution
10. End in prayer

10 Rules for Discussion:

1. Speak in a quiet voice
2. Do not interrupt
3. Do not attack
4. Use "I" not "You" statements
5. Do not bring up the past
6. Do not blame
7. State your feelings, not yoru spouse's.
8 Do not use profanity
9. Do not threaten your relationship (ie; bringing up divorce)
10. Do not criticize

I found the above helpful. I hope that helps you too.

[gatorsmom]

At premarital counseling I received a card at church with 10 steps to resolving conflict which I found helpful: I don't know how to scan so I'll copy it.

1. Set a time to meet
2. Set a neutral place to meet
3. Being in prayer
4. Define the issue to be resolved
5. Each share your position
6. Each point out whet you have done to contribute to the problem
7. Each point out how you can help resolve the issue
8. Agree on a resolution acceptable to both
9. Write down the resolution
10. End in prayer

10 Rules for Discussion:

1. Speak in a quiet voice
2. Do not interrupt
3. Do not attack
4. Use "I" not "You" statements
5. Do not bring up the past
6. Do not blame
7. State your feelings, not yoru spouse's.
8 Do not use profanity
9. Do not threaten your relationship (ie; bringing up divorce)
10. Do not criticize

I found the above helpful. I hope that helps you too.

Thanks for typing these out! I'm going to print them out and tape them up. I really need to work on some of these. :bag

[LizLemon]

your answer to him is this "we are not paying someone to tell us what is wrong with our marriage, we are paying them to help us to fix what is wrong with our marriage. We would not travel to an unknown place without a map or guide, the therapist is our map our guide."

IMO, a good marital therapist will not promise to fix a marriage. Some marriages cannot be fixed, even with therapy. Sometimes, the best outcome of therapy is just to clarify what both people in the marriage want and to get there in a civil manner - very important when their are kids involved.

[sweetsue98]

Do you work for a company that provides Employee assistance program. You usually get x amount of therapy sessions for free so that should cut down on the cost. Even if your DH doesn't want to go to therapy you have to keep in mind, you are the only person you can control, so it may be the first step to fixing your marriage. By no means am I saying you it's your fault. Sometimes it feels good just to get your frustrations out instead of having it bottle up inside.

[MamaInMarch]

Do you work for a company that provides Employee assistance program. You usually get x amount of therapy sessions for free so that should cut down on the cost. Even if your DH doesn't want to go to therapy you have to keep in mind, you are the only person you can control, so it may be the first step to fixing your marriage. By no means am I saying you it's your fault. Sometimes it feels good just to get your frustrations out instead of having it bottle up inside.

Yes, this. Our insurance contracts with a mental health provider that offers free counseling via telephone or Skype. And also offers 4 free visits per "incident" to a therapist in the member's area (we have about 3 or 4 to choose from).

[fedoragirl]

I understand where you're coming from. We were in a similar boat months ago and chose not to go to therapy because we live too far from a decent English-speaking therapist. (I'm in a different country).
Anyway, the Love Languages is recommended by a lot of people. You can buy it and read it yourself. Offer it to your DH. It costs under $10 and is really worth it.
I realized that I was not affirming my DH's daily actions which he really needed. I say, at least, one nice thing to him besides the general everyday things lile thank you and please. It seems your DH would really benefit from you boosting his self-image and I highly recommend this book. Of course, this alone won't do the trick but it's a start. Meanwhile, I would shelve any emotionally charged conversations like having another child till you can get back on track. These kind of conversations just derailed us. Ours was to move to another location till I had to fix my own perspective and start seeing the positives of where we live.
I know therapy is highly recommended, is worth it, and useful but it was not an option for us and we managed without it.

[brittone2]

When DH and I argue, he tends to get really quiet. At times in my life, this has felt like he didn't care, even though I know he does. His family does. not. do. conflict at all. Ever. He never grew up seeing his parents argue and resolve something, etc. which isn't really healthy. No one talks about feelings, etc. ever in his family.

So when we'd argue, I would get annoyed that he would basically just not have much to say. He was never rude, never mean, he just gets really quiet. Which I would then interpret as not caring, even though I know he does care.

I forget what book I read but it made me realize we were a classic pursuer-distancer dynamic. Any chance that's what your DH is doing when he retreats?

It might have been in either Getting the Love You Want or Hold Me Tight: Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Gottman's books are also highly recommended.

[123LuckyMom]

A good therapist will not harp on how anybody is wrong or have you do that either! Still, if you both are not ready or willing to see a therapist, or if you are not willing to go on your own (you do not need your husband to go in order for therapy to have a fantastic impact on your marriage), then I second using John Gottman's book, _The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert_

http://amzn.com/0609805797

The book is set up both to read and as a workbook. If you both read it and do the exercises, it will be a substitute of sorts for going to the therapist. You can assure your husband that the exercises are NOT about hashing out the ways in which your partner is wrong. They are about healing your relationship and recapturing the love, affection, respect, and friendship you once had with each other.

Even if your husband will not participate, you can do many of the exercises yourself. If you can change your feelings and behavior, the dynamic of your marriage will change.

[hellokitty]

IMO, a good marital therapist will not promise to fix a marriage. Some marriages cannot be fixed, even with therapy. Sometimes, the best outcome of therapy is just to clarify what both people in the marriage want and to get there in a civil manner - very important when their are kids involved.

:yeahthat: I think that this is an important point. I hate to say it, but some marriages just suck and can't be fixed. I have observed my parents' and my in laws' marriages for a while, and if they weren't asian, they would have been divorced by now. Both couples are completely miserable, but they are unable to change and to get themselves out of this situation, and too scared to think about what their lives would be like if they separated. There is one person in particular in each couple that causes 99% of the problems and that person in both couples refuses to change or even to acknowledge that anything is wrong. They just hobbling along, with the one person domineering and being a jerk and the other person continuing to enable to toxic person, in order to attempt to avoid conflict, thinking that is the solution. It's pretty unhealthy, and I will tell you that the ppl suffering the most in these relationships are the ones who are the enablers, b/c even though they try to avoid conflict, the toxic one is constantly picking on the enabler, so no matter what the enabler does, it's a lose-lose situation. The children suffer a LOT too. They aren't dumb, they can see on their own which parent is the one who is being mean, and they grow to resent that particular parent. So, staying together for the sake of the children in these instances is more detrimental than separating and being in a healthier family life. My siblings and I were the type of kids who begged our mom to divorce our dad, that sounds crazy, but that is how bad it is and now as adults, I still ask my mom to divorce my dad, for HER own happiness, but she acts like she is trapped in a horrible marriage and is too scared to start over again.

I think that seeking therapy is good, but I also think that not all marriages are fixable and in those cases separation is actually the better (but scary) decision. :hug: OP, it sounds really rough, esp since you don't have a local support system in place to get you through this. I hope that things will improve for you and hopefully your dh will agree to therapy.