SAHMs I need some help. What do I do?

[bisous]

Anyone can, of course, opine with me but I'm having an issue that I think is more prone in SAHMs than WOHMs.

DH and I got in a big fight today. I'm somewhat fragile emotionally which doesn't help our situation. DH and I agree on almost everything "big" and everything "important" but we have terrible, terrible communication skills. I cannot tell you how many long, drawn out fights we've been in only to find out that we were really on the same page after all.

Here's the gist of the issue. DH will just "decide" that he wants something done a certain way at home. Even though I totally disagree. I feel like, because my "job" is essentially taking care of the home (100% of housework done by me), cooking (100% of cooking done by me) and caring for children (more like 75% of childcare done by me) that I'm the boss and that I get to be in charge. I'm not a brutal dictator but if there is a silly concern (about leaving the vertical blinds in the kitchen open at night versus closing them) I have to live in the house all the time, I get to pick. He does not agree but thinks it should be "equal".

I just feel like this is not fair. I cook, clean and otherwise care for him all the time. But I'm not the maid. I don't get the benefit of a job outside the home to be "my" space or "my" domain. I'm home. Period. I want to be in charge of the kitchen. DH thinks he needs more "respect" for his opinions. I feel like he needs to back off.

What do I do to make him see things my way? I'm REALLY upset about this. I want to do something drastic BUT I don't want the kids upset at all. Everything I do, from cooking dinner to laundry to cleaning the house directly benefits THEM as well.

It makes me want to "go back to work" both so I can have some "me" time and also so that DH can see how good he had it. BUT that would essentially be punishing me too. I love to be home with the kids and like my life in pretty much every way. Except I wish DH would butt out.

I just want to be in charge of the house. I want him to acknowledge that I am the empress of the kitchen. I don't want him telling me where to keep my cookbooks or how I shouldn't leave the butter on the counter. BUTT OUT.

Real opinions wanted. I want to make some changes!

TIA!

[wellyes]

Real opinion? How you do what you do is ALL you. If he tells you when or how to clean, he is being an ass. But stuff like: where to put things or how to keep the blinds.... it is his home too. It's not fair to make him act like a houseguest with you in the role of host. You both deserve to be happy and comfortable in your home.

Bur, if he's saying you're doing it wrong, that is not cool.

I also think there are plenty of ways to get me time without going back to work. Are you in a gym? And clubs or book groups? Girls night outs?

[hillview]

well I WOTH full time but what you described would make me BONKERS. The shades DH does prefer down and that is fine (but not my preference) but the kitchen is 100% mine. DH does NOTHING in the kitchen besides eat. If he had an opinion that was enforced I'd suggest he cook for himself for a week and only cook for me and the kids :)

[lhafer]

I, like you, do All the housework, all the cooking and clean up, and 85% of the kid care, etc.

My DH understands this. He will tell our kids, that he makes the money, but I the boss of the house. He likes some things a certains way, and I typically honor those. But the majority of the time....stuff around the house, and stuff that deals with the kids are my decision.

[BunnyBee]

Can you take a marriage class that focuses on communication skills?

If he's telling you HOW to do something, that'd become his job. You want the toilets scrubbed a specific way? Go for it, big guy. They're allllll yours.

Blinds open or closed? Well, why? What's his reasoning? Is he concerned about your family's safety with them being open overnight? Is his reason "legitimate" or is it merely a preference?

Cookbook location? Again, why? Is it an aesthetic issue (which would lean more toward 50/50 IMO) or a utilitarian one (decision made by one affected)?

Have you explained, when you're both calm, why you feel the way you do?

I don't think everything can be "your" decision at home or you risk alienating him and making him feel as if he is a visitor, not a co-owner. I do hear what you are saying about needing to feel in control of some aspects of your life.

If you're expecting though, the guy should know better and pick his battles. Do not taunt happy fun ball! ;)

[bisous]

Real opinion? How you do what you do is ALL you. If he tells you when or how to clean, he is being an ass. But stuff like: where to put things or how to keep the blinds.... it is his home too. It's not fair to make him act like a houseguest with you in the role of host. You both deserve to be happy and comfortable in your home.

Bur, if he's saying you're doing it wrong, that is not cool.

I also think there are plenty of ways to get me time without going back to work. Are you in a gym? And clubs or book groups? Girls night outs?

I do appreciate real opinions. Truth is, I'm so cranky and irrational right now that I do need to be told that I am off base if I truly am.

On something that might concern a "home" issue (like the blinds) who wins if there is disagreement? I'm not very good at compromising truth be told. I want the blinds to be open all the time. Our window faces open space. I like seeing out into the dark of nature. I love waking up in the early morning and seeing the light filter through the window. If I open the blinds in the early am, it wakes the whole household. DH thinks that "thieves" who smoke pot in the wilderness behind our house (???) are casing us out and watching us in the kitchen, that's why he closes it.

He's decided now that it is to stay closed and I hate it. This is an example of a small deal that I don't know how to deal with. Maybe one of us has to just "get over it" but why does that have to mean me?

I feel like I do get out and get my own time and space. I guess book clubs (which I do attend) and exercising (thinking about signing up at the YMCA) would be a nice outlet but not the same thing as "owning" or having responsibility over something important, KWIM?

I DO think that DH has a say in how we raise our kids and he is absolutely as involved as he possibly can be. Around the house, though, he does none of the work and is hardly ever here. It makes me resentful that he feels he needs equal say on what goes on here--especially while he is gone!

[wallawala]

Can you explain to him that the house is like your office? He has a sense of control and autonomy at work, and you'd like the same thing. It's not that you don't respect his opinion or think that the family space isn't equally shared. But some things are YOUR office, and some things are the FAMILY home...

Maybe if you can acknowledge that his concerns for the blinds are for safety, and how loving that is.... he could then be more willing to listen and weigh your desires for a peaceful enviroment with them open?

I WOHFT, so feel free to ignore my 2 cents. I do 90% of home care/cooking, cleaning, shopping. About 75% of childcare. We think of ourselves as equals at home, but he knows I am the CFO (chief financial officer) and VP of Acquisitions of our family.

ETA: NOT CFO or VP at work... just a peon there!

[bisous]

I'd suggest he cook for himself for a week and only cook for me and the kids :)

This is kind of what I want to do...I don't know how well it will work though.

[bisous]

I, like you, do All the housework, all the cooking and clean up, and 85% of the kid care, etc.

My DH understands this. He will tell our kids, that he makes the money, but I the boss of the house. He likes some things a certains way, and I typically honor those. But the majority of the time....stuff around the house, and stuff that deals with the kids are my decision.

I like this! The "boss of the house". That is what I want to be.

[bisous]

Can you take a marriage class that focuses on communication skills?

If he's telling you HOW to do something, that'd become his job. You want the toilets scrubbed a specific way? Go for it, big guy. They're allllll yours.

Blinds open or closed? Well, why? What's his reasoning? Is he concerned about your family's safety with them being open overnight? Is his reason "legitimate" or is it merely a preference?

Cookbook location? Again, why? Is it an aesthetic issue (which would lean more toward 50/50 IMO) or a utilitarian one (decision made by one affected)?

Have you explained, when you're both calm, why you feel the way you do?

I don't think everything can be "your" decision at home or you risk alienating him and making him feel as if he is a visitor, not a co-owner. I do hear what you are saying about needing to feel in control of some aspects of your life.

If you're expecting though, the guy should know better and pick his battles. Do not taunt happy fun ball! ;)

I think we need to see someone about our communication skills. Truly, we've wasted too much time in our marriage over non issues that we just can't figure out how to talk to each other. Maybe that's my next step. I'll try to locate a good counselor.


I don't want him to be alienated from our home. I want him to be welcome. But does that mean that he has to be in charge?

[bisous]

Can you explain to him that the house is like your office? He a sense of control and autonomy at work, and you'd like the same thing. It's not that you don't respect his opinion or think that the family space isn't equally shared. But some things are YOUR office, and some things are the FAMILY home...

I WOHFT, but do 90% of home care/cooking, cleaning, shopping. About 75% of childcare. We think of ourselves as equals at home, but he knows I am the CFO (chief financial officer) and VP of Acquisitions.

I totally need an office.

[BayGirl2]

Real opinion? How you do what you do is ALL you. If he tells you when or how to clean, he is being an ass. But stuff like: where to put things or how to keep the blinds.... it is his home too. It's not fair to make him act like a houseguest with you in the role of host. You both deserve to be happy and comfortable in your home.

Bur, if he's saying you're doing it wrong, that is not cool.

I also think there are plenty of ways to get me time without going back to work. Are you in a gym? And clubs or book groups? Girls night outs?

I agree with the bolded. I think you need to find a way to communicate to each other on these small issues. You won't agree on 100% every detail but you need to find a way to compromise. He's not a tenant or a co-owner, he has a right to come home and feel comfortable and relax like he belongs there too.

I WAHFT and DH WOHFT (but we're pretty equal in housework/cooking/childcare so my opinion may be swayed by that). However if I used "I'm in the house all day so I get to set it up my way" I feel that would be really unfair to him. I'm compromising on an issue right now: DH wants to install screens on the doors, I feel they'll be annoying bc I keep the doors open all day and the dog goes in and out. Know what, he's wanted them for years, I've questioned it several times, time for me to suck it up and let him put them in. His happiness is worth it for me to get up 10x a day when the dog changes her mind.

[MamaMolly]

What about a choice of C if A or B is disagreeable to you both? He wants the blinds closed, you want them open. What about placing sheers in front of them?

DH and I are notorious for arguing the same side of an argument with each other. Or doing something equally silly like agree to go to store XYZ and I think the one on Main Street and he is thinking the one on Maple Ave. It's made for some (only now funny) friction. It can be maddening.

It sounds to me like you are feeling a little hedgehoggy. That's what I call it when I feel moody and like all my prickles are standing at attention. Everything ruffles or irritates the daylights out of me. It is usually stress related. Exercise honestly helps, even though I'm as lazy as a sloth by nature so I hate to admit it.

I think it is ok to tell your DH that you really can't be reasonable about the issue *at this time*, and to say that you'll take his preference under consideration. But I agree, he doesn't get to have final say in all things in the house. Of course then again, neither should you, so at least consider what he says.

Or try humor: be really over the top about how graciously you are letting him make the decision about the blinds, and then the next time something comes up remind him he's got the blinds, so he can't have the next one. ;) Or offer to agree to the next one if you can be the Blinds Master.

[BunnyBee]

I think we need to see someone about our communication skills. Truly, we've wasted too much time in our marriage over non issues that we just can't figure out how to talk to each other. Maybe that's my next step. I'll try to locate a good counselor.


I don't want him to be alienated from our home. I want him to be welcome. But does that mean that he has to be in charge?

Not at all! I just mean you can't tell him he has NO say in anything household-related. It sounds like you are both digging in your heels and creating power struggles over little issues and the little things aren't really the problem. For the things that come up over and over, sit down (maybe in a neutral spot--out to dinner? Coffee shop?) and ask who it affects more. Pothead woodland thieves isn't exactly rational, but if my DH had a genuine safety concern, I'd try to validate it and figure out a compromise. Is your kitchen open to the rest of the house? Has anyone been arrested in the woods? If it's an irrational fear/concern, then he needs to get over it IMO and let your blinds be. Why does opening them wake everyone up? Can you replace them with something quieter (?)? List the issues and rank them in order of importance. If your #1 is his #20, then he needs to let it go (and vice versa). Does he like cold butter? Keep a stick on the counter and one in the fridge for him. If there's a legitimate reason for his concern, then you should work on a compromise. If he's just trying to control things, then he should back off. Maybe he wishes he were home more and these are his ways of feeling connected to the house? Or maybe he's being a control freak. That's why the WHY matters, kwim?

[BunnyBee]

I agree with the bolded. I think you need to find a way to communicate to each other on these small issues. You won't agree on 100% every detail but you need to find a way to compromise. He's not a tenant or a co-owner, he has a right to come home and feel comfortable and relax like he belongs there too.

I WAHFT and DH WOHFT (but we're pretty equal in housework/cooking/childcare so my opinion may be swayed by that). However if I used "I'm in the house all day so I get to set it up my way" I feel that would be really unfair to him. I'm compromising on an issue right now: DH wants to install screens on the doors, I feel they'll be annoying bc I keep the doors open all day and the dog goes in and out. Know what, he's wanted them for years, I've questioned it several times, time for me to suck it up and let him put them in. His happiness is worth it for me to get up 10x a day when the dog changes her mind.

Can you do a separate screen/storm door that you can prop open too? Or a screen with a doggie flap? :)

[abh5e8]

well...I WOHFT and so does dh, and we still have this issue sometime. I do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and planning in our home. (he does lawn care, watches the dc in the day - he works nights, and some of the grocery shopping). he likes to tell me how to do the dishes or how to organize the cabinets or etc etc etc and I mostly ignore him. he will not even rinse off his plate or bowel. he will not put away clean dishes (claims does not know where anything goes). so I just ignore him. when he wants to participate in something in the kitchen other then eating, we can discuss it. but i admit, it still drives me nuts at times.

op, sounds like your dh will close the blinds if you dont? dh started in on that one too...because when we moved i just wanted to ditch all the blinds (old metal mini blinds). we live in the country. the deer in the woods are the only ones watching us. but he made a big deal about it, no way no how no can do. so I just leave them open. he complains some, but he doesnt' close them.

op, are the blinds in your shared bedroom? or downstairs? maybe you could each have certain days to have the blinds the way you want?

[gatorsmom]

This is how we think of it and it works for us. I manage the house and the kids. I'm responsible for it. He manages our company and our finances. Oh, and the yard because he likes that. I might delegate a task to him to help me with just like he might ask for my help with something at work. But I work in the house all the time. It's my office. So when there is a decision to make about something to do with the house and kids we talk about it and come to an agreement but ultimately I take care of it unless he offers to. For example, he is responsible for picking up his clothes and if he wants them washed he has to put them in the laundry. But i make sure the laundry is done. I choose the food we eat, docs we go to, how the house looks. We do talk about it and usually come to an agreement but ultimately if it is house or kid related I take care of it.

This works well for us. It helps that we have a lot of similar tastes.

[niccig]

They're blinds. It's not a battle worth dying over. If he wants them closed at night or open or whatever, if he goes and does it, I'm not about to undo it. But he'll have to do it every night as I'll probably leave them my way.

I don't think any person gets more say than the either. DH could aways say "well I work 100%, so I get to say how the money is spent." I wouldn't be OK with that. I think negotiation and coming up with C that both happy with is key to marriage disputes.

I did say "I get what I want" when discussing a kitchen renovation. I'm the cook not him, so I feel I get final say in certain things that are important to me in the kitchen as I'm the one cooking in there all the time and I've put up with a crappy kitchen for 10 yrs. So, that I'll fight over. But not blinds.

[BayGirl2]

Can you do a separate screen/storm door that you can prop open too? Or a screen with a doggie flap? :)

Ha ha, thanks for the idea. We have french doors, in 4 places in our house. He wants to put retractable screens on 3 of them so flies can't get in when we leave them open. So a doggy door is not an option. We have like 3 flies a month, to me flies are a minor issue. To him they are a big deal. And these screens are like ridiculously expensive IMO, I'd prefer to spend the $$ on a new TV and entertainment built in (which he wouldn't watch). But in reality he's been saving the $$ for it and I've challenged enough that I know he really wants it. Theoretically I could just not close them when he's not home, but then if a fly is in the house he'll know my trick. :ROTFLMAO: So screen guy comes next week and the dog and I will suck it up. :rolleye0014:

Sorry, total tangent OP. But it is an example of compromise. It is an issue where I just had to accept that its more important to him than it is to me. There are plenty that go my way too. And a couple that we debate until we agree to disagree.

[TwinFoxes]

They're blinds. It's not a battle worth dying over. If he wants them closed at night or open or whatever, if he goes and does it, I'm not about to undo it. But he'll have to do it every night as I'll probably leave them my way.

I don't think any person gets more say than the either. DH could aways say "well I work 100%, so I get to say how the money is spent." I wouldn't be OK with that. I think negotiation and coming up with C that both happy with is key to marriage disputes.


:yeahthat: Also agree with Wellyes hat he shouldn't have to feel like a guest. He probably sees the blinds issue as keeping the family safe. If I thought there were people out there, I'd want the blinds closed, and be annoyed my feelings were being poo-pooed. I SAH, fwiw.

[bisous]

Thanks, all.

I am being silly about the blinds. I don't see a safety issue here at all. But he truly does. It is dismissive of me to ignore his concern even though I think it is silly. Pooh. I hate the blinds being closed and I think he is being unreasonable but I do think he is legitimately anxious about it.

I really, really want what lhafer and gatorsmom have in their houses. I want to have control of the house. That isn't to say that he needs to feel like a guest but I don't think it is fair for him to be in charge. I really feel like I NEED to at least feel like I'm in charge. Otherwise what am I doing all this work for?

It is funny because we never, ever fight over money. We're always in agreement and it really truly feels like "our" money. But also, I never tell him how to do his job.

DH is not picky about telling me how to do housework. He doesn't really care and he is not a jerk. I just hate that he thinks he can have equal say in the house. I don't have an "office" I have nothing and I hate it.

[maestramommy]

It makes me resentful that he feels he needs equal say on what goes on here--especially while he is gone!

Okay, this is where you lost me. He wants you to do things a certain way, or have things in the house a certain way, while he's not there? Why does he care? The blinds thing, does he mean at night? Or during daytime hours while he's at work?


It sounds like you are both digging in your heels and creating power struggles over little issues and the little things aren't really the problem.

This is what I think. You gave us the blinds issue as an example, but is the larger issue the power struggle over your house? You said you don't want him to be the boss, but you want to be the boss? Is there some middle ground here? I make most of the household decisions, and the kitchen is where I spend 90% of my time, but I wouldn't want to say, "I rule" in the kitchen. Or any room. For some reason it just doesn't set the right tone.

[twowhat?]

I'm stumped as to why the heck he cares about where the cookbook is in the kitchen if he does zero cooking? That example would definitely bug me.

I like the idea of saying that you need a space that is completely yours and using the analogy that the kitchen is your office and you'd like to manage how the kitchen runs all on your own, just like his office at work is his to do whatever he wants with. Your "work" is at home and I think it's fair that you have a space that is "yours" to manage, PARTICULARLY if you do 100% of the family's meals - he's not there to cook and put dirty dishes away, etc - he doesn't get a say in how you organize the kitchen.

And then for the rest of the house you will have to compromise. Like the blinds - I'd let him have that one for sure.

But it almost sounds to me like there is some deeper underlying issue with him wanting "control" of all these things (like really - I don't get the cookbook thing AT ALL!!). It sounds like you guys are basically picking fights over minor things, which DH and I totally do when we're stressed out. We always take it out on each other, which I think is completely normal. But definitely warrants a "sit down and talk" when everyone is calm. And I've kind of been on the other side of the whole "control" thing where I just get really irritated when DH wants to discipline a different way. I feel like I've done the reading and the research - he should follow MY way. Which, on the outside looking in, is totally irrational. And it took a lot - A LOT - for me to get where I am now, where I just let him discipline how he wants. Our agreement is that whoever started the disciplining gets to finish it his/her own way. Most of the time I adhere to the rule:) But it is also easier now that DD2 is coming out of her totally terrible threes.

I do admit to re-arranging the dishwasher and re-folding laundry when he's not looking :bag. But hey, at least he helped and loaded the dishwasher and folded laundry, and I appreciate it - I truly do:)

[hillview]

But it almost sounds to me like there is some deeper underlying issue with him wanting "control" of all these things (like really - I don't get the cookbook thing AT ALL!!).
:yeahthat:

As an outsider. The blinds thing makes sense. It is a safety issue (even though I prefer them open, they are closed in our house at night). It does sound like you have some challenges in terms of control (not wanting to compromise). I might go talk to someone (therapist) to sort out what is a legitmate issue and what is a control issue that needs sorting. HUGS it is hard.

ETA also for ME when I end up trying to control stuff it is because I feel like the rest of my life is not under control so I try to control the little I feel I can control. I have NO idea if this is applicable but since I've done this (on multiple occasions, gone to therapy etc) thought I'd mention it :)

[connor_mommy]

I, like you, do All the housework, all the cooking and clean up, and 85% of the kid care, etc.

My DH understands this. He will tell our kids, that he makes the money, but I the boss of the house. He likes some things a certains way, and I typically honor those. But the majority of the time....stuff around the house, and stuff that deals with the kids are my decision.

Same here. He doesn't get to complain about the kitchen, otherwise we can eat out everyday or he can cook.

[TwinFoxes]

Did I miss the cookbook thing? Because that's is tipping into controlling behavior to me. I only saw the blinds example.

[KrisM]

DH does not tell me how to do things for the house. But, he definitely has ideas about it and he has input. Some of his ideas are actually good, too :). He had an idea for lunch box stuff and it's really working very well. But, I move things around in the kitchen and he doesn't get a say, because it's my area. But, the family room, bedroom, etc are used by everyone, not just me. So, we buy couches together, we'll pick out flooring together, etc. I can't imagine saying that because I'm a SAHM, I get to pick out all the furniture because I'm in control of the house! I'm sure it'd be money fight then, with him saying it's his money buying the stuff.

So, I don't know. I can't imagine wanting full control of everything in the house. I think DH's opinion is important. But, he also won't force me to do it his way, either.

[kara97210]

What were the dynamics between his parents growing up? Was his father the primary breadwinner and decision maker?

We have neighbors where both the husband and wife work (she part time) and he makes all the decisions for how the house runs. We had dinner there shortly after we moved in and he basically dictated everything, when dinner would be served, that the kids wouldn't take a bath that night, etc. It made me uncomfortable, but that evening (and the times I've seen them since) they seemed perfectly happy. I definitely got the sense that both he and she had grown up (she is from another country) believing the man was the head of the house and primary decision maker.

I on the other hand live with a DH who could care less about household decisions. I don't know that he could find the cookbooks if his life depended on it. This can be pretty annoying too.

[Multimama]

Did I miss the cookbook thing? Because that's is tipping into controlling behavior to me. I only saw the blinds example.

:yeahthat: I was wondering if you can find a pattern in what areas of the home life he feels the need to have a say in because it can't be everything, right? For him, the blinds are a safety issue. So maybe he feels that its his responsibility as the man to keep the family safe and protected and that's why it's so important even though it feels trivial or in your domain? The butter could in his mind be a safety thing too. DH leaves the butter out and it used to drive me crazy because I felt like something horrible happens to food that is left out of the refrigerator that is supposed to be refrigerated and that it could make us sick. (I got over this and realized I was wrong. We leave out the butter all the time now and nothing bad happens.) I'm curious what is going on with the cookbooks though because I can't imagine how that could be a safety thing. But maybe if you can think through the things that he has felt the need to have a say in and find some underlying logic then it will help you to communicate better with him and come to a compromise because you'll be able to address his underlying concern rather than just a series of trivial "concerns" that don't seem to make sense.

I also think that goes both ways. You've said you don't have an office and you hate it. Do you have a space in the house that is just yours? Somewhere other than the kitchen (which even if you cook I think is a central family space)? Do you think it would help you if you did? Is it possible to create one, somewhere that was a clear zone where he didn't get any say. I just don't think the kitchen works as a zone where he doesn't get any say because we all have to spend time there and even though he doesn't cook he does eat and that's a big part of life too. I'm not a SAHM though so you can totally ignore this if you want. :)

It sounds like you're really wanting a domain of responsibility that is just yours. Is there somewhere you could volunteer outside of the home that might fulfill that need and reduce the friction in the home situation?

[BunnyBee]

What if, as boss of the house, you delegate the "security" issues to him and request that he finds a solution to let you enjoy the sunrise (starting the day happy is important to mama!) that also keeps him feeling his family is secure (from the pothead, thieving deer ;) )? Maybe open the blinds as he turns the lights off at night (room dark, no one can see in) and you close them as the sun begins to set? Let him find the solution because it's important to him. Good bosses delegate and make their subordinates feel important you know. :)

[gatorsmom]

What if, as boss of the house, you delegate the "security" issues to him and request that he finds a solution to let you enjoy the sunrise (starting the day happy is important to mama!) that also keeps him feeling his family is secure (from the pothead, thieving deer ;) )? Maybe open the blinds as he turns the lights off at night (room dark, no one can see in) and you close them as the sun begins to set? Let him find the solution because it's important to him. Good bosses delegate and make their subordinates feel important you know. :)

I like this! :applause: I've delegated dishwashing to DH because he cares about doing it (or rather, he hates when I leave dishes in the sink and I just don't care. ;) right and right away. He doesn't always do a great job but it's basically done.

[indigo99]

It freaks me out a little to have blinds open at night. Whether someone is outside or not, I still hate the feeling that someone can see in when I can't see out. I can totally see his side on that one so if he's willing to close them at night and open them every morning then I'd let him do it. I wouldn't want to take on the extra responsibility of opening or closing though if I didn't agree with it.

I agree with pp about finding out his reasoning on things. If you're the only one who cooks then you should get to decide where the cookbooks go unless it's more of an issue of him caring that it looks messy than an issue of him wanting to be in control (if you wanted them on the counter and he wants them in a drawer).

[ellies mom]

I do think things like blinds that effect both people are something that should be compromised on but things that really don't effect him, should be left to you to decide what works best for you. For example, cookbooks, if you are getting them out and putting them away, then yeah it should be your call if they are on the bottom shelf or top shelf. My husband and I both agreed that we didn't like the mess that comes from using the large laundry detergent bottles with the spigot on the side. We were out shopping and he wanted to save money and buy a really large pour bottle and I explained that it was too awkward for me to lift on and off the shelf because it is so high (for me). He bought the smaller bottle because it was an issue that effected me more. We have since started buying the really large one with a spigot and just refilling the smaller bottle. So we still don't have the mess, we are saving money and I'm saving my shoulder. Win, win for everyone. Know when to hold your ground and know when to be willing to compromise. My thought is that if it is something that effects both of you, compromise. If it is something that only effects you and not him, hold your ground.

About the blinds, this is what I would suggest. First, go outside some evening and see what you can see from outside. It could be that you really can't see anything "to case". Then I'd try hanging sheers across the bottom half (or whatever height you can see over) and repeat. If you can't see anything anymore, then maybe your compromise could be open blinds with sheers across the bottom for privacy. In our last two houses, that was all that was necessary. So you get the openness and he gets a better feeling of security.

[randomkid]

I really think counseling might be a great decision. What kept standing out to me was not the little things you are fighting over, but the overall tone of needing control. I am seeing a theme here - "being the boss", "who's right", "in charge", etc. A marriage really shouldn't be about who's right or who is in charge, it should be a partnership. I WOH, but honestly, I am still responsible for 95% (or more) of the household. I cook, clean, run errands, pay the bills and make sure other necessary things happen, like rotating the tires on our cars, etc. I am responsible for probably 90% of DD's care. DH pretty much helps clean the kitchen sometimes, picks up around the house if I ask him to and mows the yard. I am in the opposite camp, really. I keep trying to get DH to care enough to want to make some decisions and take charge of some things around here. I often wonder what would go on in this household if something were to happen to me. It is a true concern. I don't think DH would give DD her daily meds, pay the bills, etc. because he doesn't know what to do. Even when I tell him to give her meds if I'm not home, I have to text him to make sure he did.

I don't think working/not working is the problem in feeling a sense of "ownership". I work part time and don't really feel that way about work. I work because, financially, I have to. It's a job. I like what I do, but I go to work, do my job, think about what needs to be done at home while I'm at work, then come home. To me, it really seems like a matter of control in your situation.

Counseling would help you and DH learn better communication strategies and would likely help you learn some things about yourselves - like why these little things are so important. I would strongly recommend this before your DCs become teenagers! My 2 stepdaughters live with us and they are always doing things in ways that I don't agree with. See, teenagers and young adults THINK they know what they are doing when they really don't. Even when I've told them a hundred times how it should be done, they continue to do it the way the want to. My best example is laundry - I tell them they need to do full loads, not partial loads, to save wear and tear on the machines. I constantly find the washer set to Medium size load when their hampers are crammed full and overflowing. They have plenty of clothes to wash, but are just too lazy to do a full load? I'm not sure, so I have to choose my battles here. I will keep trying, but if I felt the need to "win" or "be the boss" of them, we would have some serious conflict here.

I think the argument that you are there all day and need to have the final say isn't valid. Your DH does make the money and you wouldn't be able to SAH if he didn't. He is making it possible for you to be there all the time, so he should have some say in how things are run in the household. Not to the point of controlling you, but he should also feel a sense of ownership. You say he has that at work, but maybe he wants that at home as well. I'll use my stepdaughters as an example again. They will wash their dishes only and leave whatever else might be in the sink - usually, DD's cups and other things we only wash by hand. Will they take the extra few seconds to wash what's there? No. I get the sense that they feel like they didn't dirty it, so they don't have to clean it. If I felt that way about everything, then why should I buy food for them or cook for them? I'm not eating it, they are. If that's the attitude, then I should only cook for myself, DH (who contributes by earning money to buy the food) and DD who is not able to cook for herself. I would suggest that maybe you try to look at it from that viewpoint. Maybe your DH is thinking that he makes it possible for you to stay home, so he should have some say. Counseling would help you figure this out.

I'm not saying that either of you are right or wrong in the examples you listed, but those issues seem truly minor to me. If they lead to big fights, it seems that there is more going on. Honestly, if all you have to fight about is where the cookbooks go, then you've got it pretty good, so why fight about the things that are really not all that important? Maybe it would help if you asked yourself "How important is this issue in the big picture of life?" Is it really worth all the stress and aggravation it causes? Think about some of the real issues other couples deal with (infidelity, abuse, chronic/terminal illness) to get some perspective. DH used to get so aggravated with me about giving him input into yard work until I asked him those same questions. He continued to resist for a little bit, then it was like a light bulb went on and he realized how stupid it was to fight over mulch. It's just not worth it.

[poppy]

It's not just you and your DH. You'd think our DH's have more pressing concerns at work than about the kitchen...

DH does all the dishes b/c he is a freak about cleanliness. I'm not organzied but I am clean. He likes it a certain way that I don't think most ppl can replicate. I do not touch the dishes--it's all him. I just leave everything in the sink.

He complains about my cooking--we eat out. He complained about how messy the place was. He complained about my ironing, I told him go to the dry cleaners. He just got through watching the DC for 5 hours, he is knocked out on the couch and the place is a disaster zone.

I feel that if it's unwarranted complaining--then I will just leave it for him to do. I do try to honor reasonable requests but not complaining or demands or micro-managing. I doubt he'd like it if his boss kept looking over his shoulder for each little thing. He'd probably quit or get a new job.

DH now loves my cooking or says he does, he still does the dishes--which is fine by me, gets dry cleaning or irons it himself, and we share in childcare.

BTW, once the kids are in school FT, I am going back to work. I don't care what anyone says--everyone, including many DHs value an extra paycheck and I felt more respect from him when I was working and contributing actual money; and my DH says he likes traditional roles and was against me working; I think some DH's think being a housewife/mother is about watching soaps and eating bon-bons. I tell you, it's hard to be a SAHM than any career, any day. I am looking foward to working so I can get a rest. :)

[Globetrotter]

If it affects him directly, I think he should have a say. If not, you get to decide!

I have a need to be appreciated for SAH and handling almost everything, esp. when he used to work 24/7 (for years). I think, for me, it's a question of being respected more than anything.

[StantonHyde]

Just a gentle suggestion. First trimester when you know you are going through a temporary depressive episode--not the time to have any emotional discussions. You just are not going to be in a good place.

If you really can't take it, then see somebody to help get your own perspective on the house issue sorted out. (I think you are smart to see that there are many other currents running through the "cook book location".)

I just know there are days when I am not fit for human consumption, so I back off everything. You might want to remind him of your mental/emotional state right now. Bottom line is, he is so used to you being the uber competent mom you are, that he sees being pg again as "nothing new". You may have to actually say to him that your hormones are not to be messed with at this point!:hug:

[edurnemk]

I'm a SAHM who does 100% of all the housework, finance management, bills, etc. and like 95% of childcare. Heck, I even did our whole move on my own, since DH travels all te time and works insane hours. Even, so DH has a say in house related things. it's his home, too. He usually leaves the final say to me and I've made it clear the kitchen is my territory :ROTFLMAO: he does make suggestions, but I decide if they work for me or not. We also had a blinds discussion because he doesn't want people looking in, I leave them down when he's home, up when he's not.

However in your case OP, it seems the real issue is more of a need for control on both sides. I don't think it's healthy for anyone to be the boss of anything because it's a partnership. i do think it's fair for each to have personal spaces where each has total control, but the rest of the house belongs to both (i have my personal home office and meditation space, for example) Of course you get to decide how and when you do the housework, etc. it's one thing to get equal say in how te house is decorated or organized but it's quite another to want to control the other person's job / actions, that I wouldn't put up with. But I think all DH's have a tendency towards wanting to make "suggestions" on how you do things, most are really not worth the argument, I usually go with "oh, there's an idea! / oh, thanks i'll think bout it" and then just continue doing things the way I prefer, unless it actually is a good idea. I think, at least in my case, DH isn't trying to be controlling but helpful and/or feel like he contributes something to the house other than money. He tends to feel like a guest here but only because he's never here, poor thing. So, OP, I would really choose my battles in your shoes.

Another thing that might help you is finding an activity that you do entirely for you, that helps you get a sense of acomplishment, independence and control. It doesn't have to be a job. I totally know that feeling, it's hard being "just" a SAHM and getting no appreciation. But volunteering, taking a class, having a hobby, etc is something I find really helpful.

[BayGirl2]

I just wanted to share a comment on from the working spouse's perspective. I heard a few comments that DH has "his space" at work and I don't think that's really true in most cases. I can't remember OP's DH's role, but their are few workplaces these days where each employee has a corner office they can decorate to their preferences. Most people are in pretty standard cubes, or just an open desk, or even "hoteling" spaces where they move around. It's their employer's space, not theirs. So I do think even a working spouse needs a comfortable nest/cave to come home to and decorating/visual organizing preferences need to be agreed on by all the adults in the house. Its not a roommate situation its a marriage so there's got to be some equality in those decisions. The reality is that unless you have the space to each have a personal dedicated area in your house, neither can be the lone boss of any area.

The part about "how" to do something should be left up to the person executing the task.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I just wanted to share a comment on from the working spouse's perspective. I heard a few comments that DH has "his space" at work and I don't think that's really true in most cases. I can't remember OP's DH's role, but their are few workplaces these days where each employee has a corner office they can decorate to their preferences. Most people are in pretty standard cubes, or just an open desk, or even "hoteling" spaces where they move around. It's their employer's space, not theirs. So I do think even a working spouse needs a comfortable nest/cave to come home to and decorating/visual organizing preferences need to be agreed on by all the adults in the house. Its not a roommate situation its a marriage so there's got to be some equality in those decisions. The reality is that unless you have the space to each have a personal dedicated area in your house, neither can be the lone boss of any area.

The part about "how" to do something should be left up to the person executing the task.

:yeahthat:

i could not agree more. i was a SAHM for 3 years and now i'm working FT ... now that i work, dh does most of the pickups/dropoffs, gets the kids ready in the morning and gets dinner ready, so he's home more with them now...tables have really turned. yet i still make a lot of decisions re: the kitchen and the house (see other threads on Container store bins..i'm going a little nuts organizing everything). i think it would have been unfair for him to veto it and claim that it was "his" space.

and yes, while i work FT, i work in a cube or in a machine lab, so everyone can hear my phone conversations, etc...it's not exactly private. but i do know what you mean..when i was a SAHM i was always a bit jealous of my DH who got space, period to himself, while i constantly had a baby and toddler hanging off me.

[bisous]

Well, I'm feeling a little silly this morning. Lots of how I was feeling yesterday WAS hormonal. I've got like six more weeks (if this holds to historical precedent) and I'm not sure my family is going to survive, lol.

DH was SO apologetic yesterday. I went out with my mom and sisters and when I came home the house was spotless and perfect and he was so supportive and helpful. (Maybe I need to get mad more often? OK probably not, lol) I agree with all of you, the issues I complained about were really small and silly.

The bigger issue remains though. I feel like maybe I want more recognition at home. And I think I want that in the form of recognizing that I'm here most of the time and I do most of the work on the home, I want recognition, authority, whatever you call it that I can be in charge. I want a title! Boss of the house? VP of Acquisitions? That would go a LONG way. I promise I can be magnanimous in granting DH's simple requests (when he has them) in the home. :)

I feel like DH does feel strongly about the blinds from a safety perspective. I need to respect that even though I don't agree and I really dislike the blinds being shut. The cookbook thing was just a misunderstanding. DH was just suggesting a new spot for the cookbook. I don't think he really cared. I pretty much bit his head off!

I'm smiling as I imagine the potsmoking thieving deer image that Bunny and Bee so colorfully created for me. I think as I look at the blinds closed, I'll just remember what's REALLY lurking out there and maybe that will help me smile!

I'm really glad I posted here. Both to be called out, to vent and to figure out what I really want and what is just hormones talking.

Things are good between DH and I again and he pledged to me to be supportive to my moods, lol.

[gatorsmom]

Just a gentle suggestion. First trimester when you know you are going through a temporary depressive episode--not the time to have any emotional discussions. You just are not going to be in a good place.

If you really can't take it, then see somebody to help get your own perspective on the house issue sorted out. (I think you are smart to see that there are many other currents running through the "cook book location".)

I just know there are days when I am not fit for human consumption, so I back off everything. You might want to remind him of your mental/emotional state right now. Bottom line is, he is so used to you being the uber competent mom you are, that he sees being pg again as "nothing new". You may have to actually say to him that your hormones are not to be messed with at this point!:hug:

:yeahthat: Wise words. Molehills feel like mountains when you are pregnant.

[randomkid]

:yeahthat: Wise words. Molehills feel like mountains when you are pregnant.

And sometimes even when you aren't! :rotflmao:

[gatorsmom]

And sometimes even when you aren't! :rotflmao:

:yeahthat: so true. :D

[o_mom]

I feel like DH does feel strongly about the blinds from a safety perspective. I need to respect that even though I don't agree and I really dislike the blinds being shut.



I'm glad things are looking up!

Maybe you can come to some kind of compromise on the blinds? Could you hang some sheer curtains that will block the view and still let light in? There are so many light-filtering options for blinds or curtains, maybe one will work to close at night so that nobody will have a clear view in, but the light in the morning will still be able to filter in.

[bisous]

I'm glad things are looking up!

Maybe you can come to some kind of compromise on the blinds? Could you hang some sheer curtains that will block the view and still let light in? There are so many light-filtering options for blinds or curtains, maybe one will work to close at night so that nobody will have a clear view in, but the light in the morning will still be able to filter in.

I'm sure we could. I think sheers would be an easy fix and less annoying than the (super loud really old) vertical blinds.

[maestramommy]

Hey, I'm glad things are good between you two again! :hug: I was just thinking, generally I don't want status as much as I want appreciation, and Dh does that by randomly bringing home flowers (he doesn't bring flowers on recognized holidays), chocolates or dessert, and just by telling the kids how much Mommy does for them because I love them, and aren't I great. That kind of thing. But that's us. I think if you and your Dh can talk about what makes you feel more appreciated and like your efforts mean a lot to him, that could be helpful for HIM. Esp. for the next 6 weeks:rotflmao:

[Melaine]

I haven't read this thread yet but this topic TOTALLY resonates with me for many reasons. Just this morning I came in to the kitchen about 10:30 to see that all the blinds had been closed. I was immediately frustrated, because I had opened them. Why would he close them when it was obvious I had only just opened them? The sun wasn't glaring in either. He just said, he didn't like people seeing in. Umm? To me he was asking for conflict by doing that.

Yesterday we were both cleaning up in the kitchen and I started cleaning up my homeschool area. I had a big pile of different things in my hand and was sorting through them. DH came over and started taking things from my pile and randomly putting them down. I was ANNOYED. Homeschooling is 100% my domain. He knows nothing about what I am sorting or why I am doing it. On one hand, he was somehow trying to help but I found it insulting. Part of it is that he is a manager and is very good at that. He sometimes fall into manager mode at home which does NOT go well with me.

[anonomom]

WRT the appreciation thing, can I play armchair psychologist for a moment?

From what you've posted so far, it seems like you maybe feel diminished when your DH makes suggestions about how to handle/organize "your" domain. Like he doesn't think that you can/are handling things the right way? I can see where that would be frustrating, since taking care of your home is what you do every day.

If I'm anywhere near on the mark here, maybe you could tell that to your DH and ask that in certain, proscribed areas he refrain from making changes or suggestions? I don't mean that he should completely cede control of the whole house to you, but maybe he could acknowledge that, say, you know where you want things to be in the kitchen because you know how you use them?

Anyway, I am glad today is going better for you. I've read your posts about your 18 month old, but somehow missed that you're also pregnant. In that case, :bowdown: and :hug:. You've got a whole heck of a lot on your plate right now. You're entitled to some degree of mountain/molehill confusion.