How to decide what PS play situations warrant talk w/ teacher?

[YouAreTheFocus]

There have been a few times recently that I have been talking w/ DS (3.5) about his day and he has told me things re: other kids that I didn't like the sound of. I know I have to take what he says with a grain of salt, but it does make me feel bad for him!

For example, yesterday we were talking about a character in one of his books. He mentioned that the character should go to jail (a word I'm certain he has never heard at home). I asked him what jail meant and he said "a place where bad people go." I asked where he heard about that and he said "XYZ (4.5) is always telling me I have to go to jail because I'm bad, and I say I don't like that." :( I told him when XYZ says that, just continue to say you don't like it and tell him to stop, and if you need more help go to the teacher.

So my question is, how do you determine what you talk to the teacher about? Is an interaction like this within the norm of PS play? Would you assume it is handled at school, and not interfere? At what point/level would you bring it up (I'm thinking maybe if he mentions the same scenario multiple times?).

[minnie-zb]

I guess I'm not sure what is so bad. Jail is not a bad word and it sounds like your son is doing a good job of standing up for himself by telling the other child he does not like what he is saying. I think the advice you gave him was good -- keep saying you don't like it and if he won't stop go to the teacher.

[sophiesmom03]

I would only say something to the teacher if he's repeatedly upset by it and can't get the other child to stop. At that point it might warrant a word to the teacher, maybe asking her to keep an eye on him for signs that he might need help with a tricky social situation, or perhaps she could pull him aside and reassure him that she is there to help if he needs it.

[JBaxter]

Jail is where bad people go. My Jack is 4.5 and they play police & bad guy in the neighborhood ~ not all the time but enough. But it is definitely discussed/ role played here. I can see him telling another child if they keep being bad the would have to go to jail.

Do you think this child is harassing yours? One thing I have learned after 4 kids is you only hear one side of the story. I agree with the PP he told the other boy he didn't like it which is what he is supposed to do.

[KrisM]

Jail is where bad people go. My Jack is 4.5 and they play police & bad guy in the neighborhood ~ not all the time but enough. But it is definitely discussed/ role played here. I can see him telling another child if they keep being bad the would have to go to jail.

Do you think this child is harassing yours? One thing I have learned after 4 kids is you only hear one side of the story. I agree with the PP he told the other boy he didn't like it which is what he is supposed to do.

We've had the police/bad guy game here, too. DS1 did not like playing it at all at school and it did become a problem. I eventually did say something to the teacher because he was not getting his point across to the kids that he didn't want to play. DS2 is fine with it.

[hillview]

I think it depends on the child but in general when I've thought I should say something I usually should. I would check in with the teachers and see how it is going and make them aware of your child's concerns.

[jk3]

My guess is this is your first child? If he's sharing these stories and he's not upset, I would let it go. Many boys at 3-5 play games that involve good guys, bad guys and jail.

[BayGirl2]

My DS is almost 4 and he's been doing a lot of the good guy/bad guy playing too. Lately he's been acting out fake shooting with whatever is around (legos, Cinderella wand, stick) and the only time I think he's ever even seen a gun on TV is in Toy Story. The superhero, fighting, defending against crime, swords, and guns thing seems pretty common among boys that age. Our daycare doesn't allow swords and prefers we don't donate costumes that encourage this.

Do you take him to Fairyland to the Wild West play area? Just curious because there is a "jail" there that the kids go in and out of. When I was last there there were a ton of boys putting the "bad guys" in there. Kids were running up to my DS saying "are you a good guy or a bad guy". Some were older, some were 3-4. It wasn't rough, in fact the oldest later gently helped out my 18mo off a bench, but it was boisterous.

I personally don't love this kind of play, but I also think its inevitable to some extent. I don't really blame the teachers. There's only so much they can shape free play and I don't think this crosses the line as long as it doesn't become bullying.

[YouAreTheFocus]

To clarify, he was upset/feeling bad about the jail thing, but AFAIK it is not an on-going thing (at least this is the first I've heard). Other similar situations have been one-off, too. From the responses here I realize I should let these one-time comments go and only become involved when something seems more ongoing.

As for this particular scenario, I don't think police/bad guys is a typical game for him--we hear about many of the scenarios he makes up with his friends (all 3 yos) and this just hasn't come up yet. But it could be common w/ the 4 yos (although I feel his PS would strongly discourage any weapon play). At home we've always framed it as "police are there to help people" vs. "police are there to get the bad guys."

As an aside, I don't think he knows anything of guns or other weapons yet. He knows about Buzz Lightyear and his laser, but when we asked what the laser does he said "it shines a bright light on you, like a flashlight." Yes, he is our first and only, so maybe he skews young in his worldliness...and maybe I worry too much about keeping him that way ;)

[BayGirl2]

IIRC your DS is just younger than mine. Mine started the gun play just in the last couple weeks. I feel like its a late 3/4 yo thing. We never exposed him to guns either, but he somehow picked up shooting.

I agree if its something he's upset about repeately that's when I'd bring it up. It does sound like he stood up for himself. Something to be proud of.

[ett]

Agreeing with PPs that what you told your son to do is fine, and I would only talk to the teacher if the situation continues. Some of the other kids in the class probably have older siblings, so they will pick up on these things sooner than first child/onlies.