Mean girls in the making....

[Clarity]

We talk a lot about mean girls and how they treat our dc. But...what if the mean girl is YOUR child?

I'm a bit worried that I have a mean girl in the making. I talked to her teacher today and we both have some concerns about her social engagement and her tendancy toward "clique" behavior. Please know that my dd2 is NOT mean or unkind in nature but she has a tendency to want to play with her own set of friends and does not expand those boundaries to include other children in her class. I don't know why. She shares so voluntarily and is so kind to her big sister but she's a bit different at school. I feel like if I don't start teaching her some kindness/compassion she could easily become a future mean girl. I've talked to her about playing with others ( the teacher pointed out that telling dd2 to play with someone else is a lot like someone telling me to have lunch with a coworker with whom I am not close.)

I've been looking for some books that I can read to my 4.5yo but I can't really pinpoint something that would help me work on this. (I do have "Have you filled your bucket yet?) Any tips/suggestions/books would be wonderful.

[maestramommy]

Can you elaborate more? Does your DD simply not want to play with more than a set group of kids, or does she tell "outsiders" to go away, you can't play with us, etc? That makes a big difference, imo. 4.5 is pretty young to have an open social circle. At least for my kids it is. Heck, at 4.5 DD1 and 2 were barely starting to play with other kids period. Scratch that, DD1 took even longer. Because of her late bday she was in the 4s class until she was 5.5. It her a good chunk of that year to learn to play with other kids, to approach them in an appropriate manner. She's now 7.5 and has 2 best friends that she spend the majority of her time with. She doesn't dislike the other girls, they are all pretty friendly, but she just doesn't play with them. Much.

DD3 is much more social, but she talked about only one single girl the whole first semester. Now she mentions other kids, but I have no idea who she really plays with. She's 3.5.

[brittone2]

Have you tried writing a social story with her? You could try writing it so it somewhat align with the behaviors indicated by the teacher.

[pinkmomagain]

I remember dd's preschool director saying that at this age it is hard for kids to figure out how to incorporate new/approaching playmates into their games. For instance if three girls are playing family (one the mom, one the dad, one the baby) and another kid comes over, it takes an adult to intervene and say "Suzie wants to join, may be she can pretend to be the big sister." HTH

[bisous]

First of all, I think you can definitely influence whether or not she'll end up to be a mean girl. With a concerned parent already, she may have inclinations to exclude or be kind to others but she can be taught to empathize and be inclusive. I think she's going to be just fine!

I'm not an expert here, and I'm not sure I'm totally understanding the situation. I find the PS teacher's coworker example to be a little strange, honestly. I don't think playground situations are much like going out to eat with coworkers. If you were in a cafeteria situation and a coworker you didn't know well asked to join you, you'd say yes, wouldn't you? Similarly, on the playground I think it is reasonable to be inclusive of other children who wish to join in. Also using the office analogy, it is fine if you want to go to a restaurant with a favorite coworker friend. Preschool friends and playdates are fine to be exclusive.