S/O How to ask friends to tell you if their DC is sick?

[mackmama]

Following the germaphobe thread...

I have a full-disclosure policy to friends/family re illness and always tell them if any of us are sick before seeing them (cold or otherwise) so that they can then decide if they want to see us. I consider it reasonable vs germaphobic to not want to be exposed to a known illness.

Likewise I'd like my friends to tell me if someone in their household is sick so I can decide if I want to chance us being exposed. I'd much rather have a play date canceled last minute than have DC or myself be exposed to an illness. Some of my friends are responsible and courteous in this way and tell people if their kids are sick beforehand. Some other friends are very lax on germs and will mention in passing that their DC just vomited in the car 10mins before hugging my DC.

I don't want to hold the burden of wondering (and trying to subtly ask) if anyone is sick every time I get together with certain friends and their kids. Is there a non-offensive way to tell friends that you'd like to be told if they or their DCs are sick (or were in past 48hrs) so that you can avoid a known exposure? Anyone have phrasing ideas that are direct but not offensive? Or is such a request unreasonable?

[KpbS]

Following the germaphobe thread...

I have a full-disclosure policy to friends/family re illness and always tell them if any of us are sick before seeing them (cold or otherwise) so that they can then decide if they want to see us. I consider it reasonable vs germaphobic to not want to be exposed to a known illness.

Likewise I'd like my friends to tell me if someone in their household is sick (or was in past 48hrs) so I can decide if I want to chance us being exposed.

Is there a non-offensive way to ask/tell friends that you'd like to be told if they or their DCs are sick (or were in past 48hrs) so that you can avoid a known exposure?

Some of my friends are responsible and courteous in this way and tell people if their kids are sick beforehand. Some other friends are very lax on germs and will mention in passing that their DC just vomited in the car 10mins before hugging my DC.

I'd much rather have a play date canceled last minute than have DC or myself be exposed to an illness.

Anyone have phrasing ideas that are direct but not offensive? Is it ok to email it or better to speak about it in person?

I just try to ask about it when confirming plans for the next day or so either in person or on the phone. I think you can get a better read on the situation when you can hear the friend's voice and ask any follow-up questions as needed. I'll casually ask "how's everyone at your house?" or "you guys staying healthy/avoiding the germs?" Like many I'm not as strict about colds as I used to be but I err on the side of extreme caution when it comes to stomach viruses b/c my kids tend to get hit hard by stomach bugs and have underlying gi issues. I'd rather cancel and have to reschedule a couple of times before exposing my DC to stomach viruses. My closest friends know to disclose any sickness in advance and I can count on them to bring it up but everyone else I ask. We don't have a ton of playdates though so it really isn't that big a deal for us to ask in advance.

[mackmama]

I'd love more input on how/if people handle this. I'm thinking about one friend in particular that would get super annoyed if I always inquired whether she or kids were sick before every playdate (and she's the friend who is lax on germs). I'd prefer to find a way to convey a general 'policy.' Any ideas?

[rin]

I am not very worried about germs and I wouldn't reschedule a playdate for colds/coughs/etc (although I probably would for vomiting type illnesses), so I can speak from experience on the side of someone who's probably always going to be the more lax party regarding germs.

I would feel like "you guys staying healthy/avoiding the germs" was super passive aggressive. Something like that *sounds* like a social nicety, concerned about the other family, but in reality you're getting information about whether you want to avoid contact with the family. Whatever you say, I would recommend making it clear that you're asking because you want to know if you need to reschedule; something along the lines of "I know you probably think I'm neurotic, but I've got to ask if anyone in your house is under the weather before we confirm?"

ETA: If you want to convey a general "policy" ( and I do have one friend who has done this), I would bring it up in person at the next successful playdate you have, say something along the lines of "I know it's probably totally frustrating to have me asking about whether anyone's sick all the time, but you know I'm very cautious about having my kids exposed to illnesses. Could I just ask you to please just let me know beforehand if anyone's sick, so we can make a call then?"

[sarahsthreads]

I really don't think there's any good way to handle this. I think that people who are super lax will take it as a judgement on their parenting. I think that people who aren't super lax will just call and reschedule. (I'd ask who brings a child who just vomited to a playdate, except that I had a friend who repeatedly did that to me. Note the past tense.)

Also, I personally wouldn't think to ask if someone else in their house (i.e. someone not coming to the playdate) was sick. I mean, the healthy family members might be carrying whatever the bug is, but so can anyone in public. I also don't really care if the mom coming to visit has a cold...I mean, most adults aren't going to be touching all the toys and are reasonably good at covering their mouths when they cough. ;) I just offer a box of tissues and a cup of tea.

Sarah

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree with pps, I don't think there is a great way to do it. If you have friends that are inconsiderate and really upset you wrt germs, maybe they aren't a good fit for you? But, better than dropping an otherwise good friend, it might be better to just roll with it. Unless it's throwing up or a high fever, I just wouldn't stress. At preschool, they don't exclude kids from coming if they have colds (they joke that they would have no kids or teachers all winter if they did that!). I'd just wash hands well and enjoy their company. Playdates, preschool, the grocery store...you'll be exposed to germs. Think of that exposure as a good way to build an immune system.

I have a friend who cancels for every sniffle and she has 4 kids so someone always has a sniffle. I know now that I just won't see her all winter- and I miss her! I think she takes it to an extreme. I'd much prefer if she just warned me b/c 9 times out of 10 I'd risk catching it.

[MMMommy]

I agree with PPs in that I don't see any "easy" way to bring this up with others. No one wants to be exposed to sickness unnecessarily, but there will always be those that don't even consider a cough and cold as being "truly sick." I think it is just a risk that comes with the territory of playdates and socializing in general. However, I would hope that someone with a vomiting or feverish child would know to cancel.

[twowhat?]

I
I would feel like "you guys staying healthy/avoiding the germs" was super passive aggressive. Something like that *sounds* like a social nicety, concerned about the other family, but in reality you're getting information about whether you want to avoid contact with the family. Whatever you say, I would recommend making it clear that you're asking because you want to know if you need to reschedule; something along the lines of "I know you probably think I'm neurotic, but I've got to ask if anyone in your house is under the weather before we confirm?"


:yeahthat: and I think this is the very best you can do. People have different tolerance thresholds, and even if you convey a "policy", someone might think that (for example) 12 hours fever-free is fine and then just never feel the need to even mention that their kid was sick yesterday.

I've fortunately never been in this situation (that I know of, anyway LOL) - my friends will also do the "my kids are feeling fine but are snotty/coughing today so if you don't mind, come on over!" type of thing and I do the same thing. It's hard especially at the younger ages when runny noses/snot/coughing is almost a given.

[khm]

I'd love more input on how/if people handle this. I'm thinking about one friend in particular that would get super annoyed if I always inquired whether she or kids were sick before every playdate (and she's the friend who is lax on germs). I'd prefer to find a way to convey a general 'policy.' Any ideas?

I think you guys are just worlds apart on the issue. I don't think there's a magic combination of words that will swing her to "your side", nor you to "her side" for that matter. You are just in differing camps.

I have no idea how you could "convey a policy". I kind of imagine that as sending out vibe of a general state of anxiety about the germiness of OPKs. And, that's just not what you are aiming for, I sure!

I would just avoid them when you are x days from a vacation / recital or other important event. Or, save the questioning for those times.

I do believe its different if your kids are medically fragile or otherwise susceptible. "I'm really trying to avoid anyone who has had a bug lately, the last bug put Jimmy in the hospital due to his XYZ condition."

But, I just (as a non-germophobe mom of non-susceptible kids) think that getting some random bug is just a crapshoot. I could expose the kids at a playdate or walking through Target or sending them to school or I could bring it home from the office. FTR, my kids are sincerely rarely sick, so maybe I'm just lucky in my laxness.

[fedoragirl]

I agree with PPs. You just can't ask this sort of thing without offending someone. We don't cancel playdates if the kids have a cold/cough nor do we prevent someone from coming to our house if they were sick. A fever or vomiting would warrant a stay home attitude but I've never had to tell a parent that.
I think most kids are more susceptible to catching something at Target or the grocery store than at a playdate.

[BayGirl2]

These threads have had me thinking too. I'm like "am I that Mom?" because its never really occurred to me to cancel a play date because my kids had been sick. Of course if they are currently ill to the point of being uncomfortable I wouldn't bring them somewhere and torture them. But most stuff is contagious before you even know you have it, so I don't get the point of staying home after they feel better? But I also agree that they are just as likely to pick something up in a public place as someone's house.

My kids are in daycare and most of our neighbors/play date partners are in the same center so I just assume they've all be exposed to the same germs, so that does sway my thinking. We get together on weekends and if they just saw the kid Friday what's the difference? Also 75% of our play dates are outdoors. I'm lucky my kids aren't sick much so this hasn't come up. I do follow all the rules in terms of keeping my kids home from daycare, but the rule is 24 hrs after a fever over 100, there's actually no rule around vomiting or colds, we use judgement there. Of course if a child is behaving sick they stay home, but I'm hearing things about kids getting over colds in these posts and I'm honestly not sure where the line is. I feel like by some of these standards we'd never have a social life because someone in the family may have had some kind of symptom at some point in the last week.

For which of these scenarios would you expect me to cancel a Sat event?:
- Baby had an unexplained high fever through Thurs, no cold or flu symptoms
- Child is on AbX for suspected ear infection
- Kid has runny nose, cough, light cold with no fever
- Baby throws up in the middle of the night once. No cold or flu symptoms during the day.
- Fever while molars are coming in, no other symptoms beyond fever-related fatigue
- Parent has a cold, sore throat, or strep throat
- Parents currently have hand/foot/mouth, suspected baby had it (recovered), its going around daycare, other neighbor kids have it too.

Maybe this should be a separate poll thread, but the germaphobes seem to be here ;) so thought I'd ask.

[SnuggleBuggles]

For which of these scenarios would you expect me to cancel a Sat event?:
- Baby had an unexplained high fever through Thurs, no cold or flu symptoms
- Child is on AbX for suspected ear infection
- Kid has runny nose, cough, light cold with no fever
- Baby throws up in the middle of the night once. No cold or flu symptoms during the day.
- Fever while molars are coming in, no other symptoms beyond fever-related fatigue
- Parent has a cold, sore throat, or strep throat
- Parents currently have hand/foot/mouth, suspected baby had it (recovered), its going around daycare, other neighbor kids have it too.

Maybe this should be a separate poll thread, but the germaphobes seem to be here ;) so thought I'd ask.

I follow the rules from preschool re. fevers and stomach issues- 24 hours, unless I really know it's a one off. (Ate something bad, carsick...) If they perk up and are healthy, I don't always follow the whole 24 hours.

Of your list, I would keep the high fever kid home unless they were totally fever free and happy/ normal on Friday. And there is no way I would knowingly expose someone to hand/foot mouth- that is a miserable, horrible illness and I would do anything in my power to keep from subjecting someone else to it, even if they were exposed at daycare or preschool. The rest I wouldn't cancel for.

[BayGirl2]

I follow the rules from preschool re. fevers and stomach issues- 24 hours, unless I really know it's a one off. (Ate something bad, carsick...) If they perk up and are healthy, I don't always follow the whole 24 hours.

Of your list, I would keep the high fever kid home unless they were totally fever free and happy/ normal on Friday. And there is no way I would knowingly expose someone to hand/foot mouth- that is a miserable, horrible illness and I would do anything in my power to keep from subjecting someone else to it, even if they were exposed at daycare or preschool. The rest I wouldn't cancel for.

Oh I forgot to list carsick vomiting. That's a common one for us.
High fever on Thurs night but totally fine (at home on Friday)

Note that it was the parent with HFM, not the children. I had it, then DH got it. Although it could be miserable, horrible for some people it really was not for us after the first couple days. My feelings are that adults are pretty good at not spreading germs, so we gauge on how we feel. It's also one of those things that's only infections before symptoms show up and for a day or so after.

ETA: Before I get flamed for being a germ spreader, I don't recall if I've actually had play dates in any of the above scenarios. I'm just trying to think of potential situations when it could come up.

[SnuggleBuggles]

There are just a few bugs, like HFM, that were terrible here and just would feel horribly guilty if I spread it. Even though as an adult I'd be less likely to spread my germs around, I just couldn't/ wouldn't chance it. When you've seen a hungry kid crying bc they so badly want eat but their throat hurts so much that they can't, you get sensitive. I'm sure lots of us have an illness they feel the same way about. :)

[1mom2dylan]

Strep throat is very contagious so I would cancel, even if it is the parent

[westwoodmom04]

I don't think there is a non offensive way to ask this question. If you have a friend that has gotten your kid sick in the past in a way that you thought was careless, then you probably need to risk offending them to avoid that situation again. I'm not a germaphobe, but I would probably mention if my kid had something more serious than a cold within the past 24 hours, and give the other parent the option of cancelling. That seems to be what most parents I know do. Once a kid is school aged or in day care (assuming they aren't homeschooled), they will be exposed to everything that is going around anyway, so there is very little you can do to avoid germs at that point.