How many times do you pat yourself on the back for being a good parent?

[fedoragirl]

Or, are we really hard on ourselves? Or is it just me?
I have really high expectations of people and things, including myself. So, if things don't go a certain way, and that is everyday, then I beat myself about it. I rarely have moments where I think I did a good job as a parent. Is that even healthy? Does it matter?
How do you "rate" yourself everyday? Or do you even care to do that? A friend has the more roll-with-it kind of personality and I envy that sometimes.

[egoldber]

This is perhaps where having crappy parents and a crappy childhood come in handy. ;) My kids are blessed. They want for nothing, and they have two parents who love them, are kind to them, and try to support them. In general, I think DH and I are good parents.

Yes there are days when I yelled too much, or DH is away for weeks, or things are busy and crazy. But on balance I know my kids have a great life.

I also think that on the whole kids are very resilient and will be who they will be. As parents, I think we often give ourselves too much blame when issues come up and too much credit when things go well.

[queenmama]

I am not hard on myself at all. I am aware of how far from perfect I am and I think it would be unhealthy for me as well as my kids if I thought about it much. ;)

I think in some ways this benefits Henry. We are the farthest thing from high-pressure parents so he knows we think he's awesome no matter what (and we're not afraid to call him out for being a turd either).

I am not a great mom by any standards, but we are all fed and clean-clothed (usually), we're generally happy, we're thriving. I call it good.

Lara

[hillview]

I am super hard on myself I think. I have to try to step back and say hey they kids are ok, we are doing well. They are so lucky etc.

But most days I rate myself harshly

[Ceepa]

It's easy for us to say we're good parents because we compare against our parents' style of raising children. But I remind DH that our kids will never know what our childhoods were like so they lack the comparison. Instead, they'll be typical kids who compare their lives against peers' and therefore will feel privileged about some things and outraged at others. ;) So we think we're good parents because our children have basic needs met and loving unconditional support, but DC may have something to say about it all as adults. lol

I must admit, though, that when Dh and I spend time with friends who seem to struggle a lot we go home and wonder why they are so overwhelmed.

[pastrygirl]

I rate myself every night. I have to, because I give into my own childhood tendencies too easily. I base it on yelling/screaming. Thankfully, there are many days that I make it through without incident. Also thankfully, when my rating is horrible, I ponder it at the end of the day and move on, knowing I start with a blank slate the next day.

[daisymommy]

I am super hard on myself I think. I have to try to step back and say hey they kids are ok, we are doing well. They are so lucky etc.

But most days I rate myself harshly

Yeah that. I'm a type A personality who had Wonder Woman for a mom, and I feel like I could never measure up to that. The funny thing is she says she feels like she did so much wrong as a mom, doesn't see herself the way I do, and that I'm a great mom. That leaves me scratching my head sometimes.


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[luli13]

I also think that on the whole kids are very resilient and will be who they will be. As parents, I think we often give ourselves too much blame when issues come up and too much credit when things go well.

:yeahthat: I couldn't agree more.

[hellokitty]

This is perhaps where having crappy parents and a crappy childhood come in handy. ;) My kids are blessed. They want for nothing, and they have two parents who love them, are kind to them, and try to support them. In general, I think DH and I are good parents.

Yes there are days when I yelled too much, or DH is away for weeks, or things are busy and crazy. But on balance I know my kids have a great life.

I also think that on the whole kids are very resilient and will be who they will be. As parents, I think we often give ourselves too much blame when issues come up and too much credit when things go well.

Yes, to all of this, except my dh doesn't travel much for work. I have plenty of days where I feel like a not-so-great parent, BUUUT all it takes is for me to think back to the way I was parented and it's like an automatic ego boost. It may sound weird and maybe the only ppl who may relate a little bit are the ones who had crappy parents, but I am often jealous of my kids. No, I am not the perfect parent, I can yell and get grouchy with my kids. However, overall I have provided my kids with a much healthier emotional and supportive upbringing compared to emotional abuse, neglect and no support, that I dealt with as a kid. I feel like they have a very, "normal" life, one I really wished I had growing up. So, I'm definitely not a perfect parent, but I do think that compared to my parents I am definitely a more thoughtful parent. As for comparing myself to other parent peers, I think I am generally above average and I think that sometimes I think too much about some of my parenting decisions.

Oh and I do have to admit that I catch myself telling my kids, "You're lucky to have us as your parents, your grandma and grandpa would NEVER have let me do this when I was a kid!" However, I grew up hearing from my parents, "You are so lucky, *I* wanted to do XYZ, but we didn't have the $/chance to do it, but YOU do." I think that it's probably a common theme, in which each generation usually thinks that their children are more, "lucky" than they were. The big difference with my parents in particular was that they didn't really care about our interests, they only cared about their own interests, so if they wanted to play soccer or piano, then that is what we had to do. On the flip side, due to being pushed into a bunch of lessons/activities that I wasn't interested in, I am probably really laid back in the extracurricular dept compared to most other parent peers. I find that my kids don't have quite as crazy of a schedule as some of their peers when it comes to after school activities and sports. However, that has a lot to do with the way I was parented and my backlash toward that, although I try very hard not to do a complete 180, b/c I've seen that result in bad outcomes too.

At the end of the day, parenting is REALLY hard. While I don't agree with the way my parents parented me, overall I had clothes, food and shelter, so they get a little bit of credit. I never would have imagined how difficult it is and how much patience it takes. It takes a lot of effort for me not to lose my temper the way my parents often did. I just have to keep reminding myself of what it was like when I was a kid to keep myself in check as a parent as to what is reasonable and what is not reasonable and to keep from reverting to the ways my parents parented me.

[ShanaMama]

I am super type A & have a very critical mother. No matter how hard I worked to please her she only noticed the one little thing that wasn't done. I have a tape playing in my head of all the things I'm not doing at any giving time. Seriously. I've been to therapy over this & it's something I work on all the time.
I sometimes actually say to myself: I a good, loving mother. My hildren had a calm happy morning and were served a nourishing breakfast & sent off to school calmly.... Etc etc.
I am very goal oriented & have a hard time just living in the moment when there are thing to do, but I try to push myself to let go. This week I sat outside with the kids enjoying the gorgeous weather & totally didn't stress about the laundry waiting patiently to be folded. Even when people came to the house. That is a major accomplishment for me.

[maestramommy]

Um, dunno. Maybe once a year? :rotflmao:Usually when a professional tells me that I am a great parent, really I am:p

OTOH, I'm not down on myself much either. I get to feeling guilty every once in a while, but I don't live in sackcloth and ashes. I think I'm good enough. Most of the time, lol.

[TxCat]

I don't think that I ever have pat on the back moments. I usually think that I could be doing better. But, I'm not usually harsh on myself with regard to parenting either. I think my mentality is usually that I always have room for improvement but that I'm okay for the most part.

[fedoragirl]

I wish I could be more like this, maestramommy.
I am harsh on myself because I want to cultivate a better relationship with my kids than my parents have with me. I think everyone wants this. However, I usually end up parenting just like them.
I also don't want to go to the other extreme and be permissive about everything so it's always a balance that I strive for but I usually end up being too strict.

[queenmama]

My parents are awful, maybe that's why I'm not hard on myself.

In many ways we had an all-American life. Vacations in the camper, going to the lake, baseball games, etc. Behind closed doors, my dad (stepdad, my bio father passed when I was very young) had a drug addiction, was physically abusive to my mom and sister, parents fought constantly (like, police involved kind of fights), mom made excuses for him... Even now, decades after getting clean, they fight like maniacs then make up and pretend they didn't want to kill each other. I don't think they know how to BE any other way.

So I never expected to have a "perfect" life, just a normal, sane one! And I did marry the perfect guy for it... DH is so even-keeled and non-confrontational, he reigns me in when my crazy wants to come out. ;)


Lara

[maestramommy]

I wish I could be more like this, maestramommy.
I am harsh on myself because I want to cultivate a better relationship with my kids than my parents have with me. I think everyone wants this. However, I usually end up parenting just like them.
I also don't want to go to the other extreme and be permissive about everything so it's always a balance that I strive for but I usually end up being too strict.

Totally get it because I think my relationship with my parents sounds similar. It was really fraught when I was growing up because they were really harsh. We are very close now, though I do have some internal boundaries in place. I am doing better in this dept with my own kids, but it is a constant work in progress. Dh's upbringing was similar so we keep talking about it. I do think our relationship with our kids, is for the most part, closer than when I was a kid. There is more trust I think, more intimacy. But it can always be better.