How do you keep your teenage daughter safe?

[gibas23]

Without being overprotective or delibitating on one's teenage daugther teens years.

In light of today's news on Audrie Pott. The perpetrators were her friends!! I am enraged that it took 7 months to arrest the boys. Why? Why?

It doesnt help that the same high school she attended is our home assigned high school.

After reading the news, I told my 5 years old that I would never let her going to a sleepover, slumber or any late night parties.

[niccig]

We need to talk to our kids about the dangers of alcohol, parties, peer pressure etc. I never went to parties like that in high school, so I lean towards no parties or no parties unless it's at our house where I can supervise. DH said he didn't go to those kinds of parties either until he got to college.

I'm a mom of a boy and I consider it my job to teach him how to be respectful of all people, but especially to women. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, so hoping to build that as a model. I was talking to DH saying we also need to have very frank conversations with DS about sex and what is consent as he gets older.

Did you see the youtube video where a guy teaches other guys what to do with a girl that is passed out? You cover her with a blanket and keep her safe. Some boys know that, I need to make sure DS is one of those.

[KpbS]

I don't know! My DD is all of 2 but this story is such a tragedy. My heart breaks for her and her family.

[sntm]

I was a fairly good kid but I snuck out to go to parties. I honestly haven't read the articles on this case, not sure I want to, but agree it is most important to teach boys and girls what to do in these situations since even the valedictorian goody two shoes may be going to parties.

[Indianamom2]

I have a DD and a Ds.

For both: Our expectations are that they will not be involved in drugs/alcohol/premarital sex. They know (will know) this. They are or will be in a Christian school where, while this can happen, has a much lower likelihood of happening. Hopefully their circle of friends will have similar standards, and if not, DH and I will step in and try to encourage other friendships.

For DD: We will wait until she is at least 16 before she can go on a one-on-one date. We will meet (and approve) anyone she dates beforehand (at least through highschool). She will be well-supervised and never allowed to be in a home (ours or his) without another adult (again, at least until college, but we hope she will still follow this safety rule and just to avoid "the appearance of evil" so to speak) We will talk to her about always calling us if she needs ANYTHING ANYTIME and we will teach her to respect herself and her body and that anyone who truly cares about her will respect her as well.

For Ds: Already, at 3, we are teaching him that he needs to be a gentleman (opening doors, being polite, etc.) We are also stressing that boys ALWAYS treat girls with respect and they NEVER EVER hit or hurt a girl. We talk about how daddy treats mommy and how we expect him to treat women like his dad does, because ultimately his dad is a fabulous example of respect.

Most of all, I think if you set up expectations that drugs and drinking are of the table and that they respect themselves and others, it's the best you can do.

[dcmom2b3]

We need to talk to our kids about the dangers of alcohol, parties, peer pressure etc. I never went to parties like that in high school, so I lean towards no parties or no parties unless it's at our house where I can supervise. DH said he didn't go to those kinds of parties either until he got to college.

I'm a mom of a boy and I consider it my job to teach him how to be respectful of all people, but especially to women. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, so hoping to build that as a model. I was talking to DH saying we also need to have very frank conversations with DS about sex and what is consent as he gets older.

Did you see the youtube video where a guy teaches other guys what to do with a girl that is passed out? You cover her with a blanket and keep her safe. Some boys know that, I need to make sure DS is one of those.

As the mother of a girl I just want to thank you. To take you in my arms and thank you. Because what your DS and all of his like-minded friends and their friends and so on and so on . . . . what they do will make the world a safer place for Eleanor. :hug:

[gibas23]

As the mother of a girl I just want to thank you. To take you in my arms and thank you. Because what your DS and all of his like-minded friends and their friends and so on and so on . . . . what they do will make the world a safer place for Eleanor. :hug:

Yes to this. Thank you for being an awesome parent, Niccig.

[gibas23]

Most of all, I think if you set up expectations that drugs and drinking are of the table and that they respect themselves and others, it's the best you can do.

I could definitely do this. Thanks for putting this so well.

[niccig]

As the mother of a girl I just want to thank you. To take you in my arms and thank you. Because what your DS and all of his like-minded friends and their friends and so on and so on . . . . what they do will make the world a safer place for Eleanor. :hug:


Yes to this. Thank you for being an awesome parent, Niccig.

Thanks. I'm trying to raise a respectful, thoughtful man. I freaked out when found out I was having a boy, as I knew nothing about boys. Then I realized that as a mom of a boy, I have a huge influence on the type of man he will be. Even simple things like knowing how to cook, doing the laundry and the idea of pitching in to help the family.

My Dad disrespected my mom and I had not so great experiences myself pre-DH, so I've seen the other side of what can happen. DH is a great role model, but he can't give the female point of view IYKWIM.

I actually hope that DS will not only be respectful, but be strong enough to step in to protect someone else. I know it can be difficult to stand up to peer pressure, but I'm hoping he'll have the strength of character to do it.

And then there's the fact that DS will have to deal with an angry Mama if he does something wrong...and it will not be pretty. I have high standards for his behavior with all his friends, girls and boys.

[niccig]

Most of all, I think if you set up expectations that drugs and drinking are of the table and that they respect themselves and others, it's the best you can do.

I'd also add in about the friends our kids have. I know we won't always be able to control that. But I can't help wonder where were the girlfriends of these girls?

Granted, I was older, but when we went out in college, we all had each other's back. If someone was drinking too much, we had a rule that 1 of us would stick by her side. One time I was drinking and my friend ran a guy off that was being too interested by telling him to give up as there was no way she was letting me out of her sight. He gave up.

I think teaching girls to watch out for their friends will also help.

[Globetrotter]

I'm trying to raise a respectful, thoughtful man. I freaked out when found out I was having a boy, as I knew nothing about boys. Then I realized that as a mom of a boy, I have a huge influence on the type of man he will be. Even simple things like knowing how to cook, doing the laundry and the idea of pitching in to help the family.

:yeahthat: As parents to a boy, I feel we have a chance to make a difference in the next generation, and I can see ds is totally different from my own brother, already! DH is a good role model IRT to hands-on parenting and housework/cooking, etc.., especially in the past few years since he is home a lot more. There are also some negative things dh does (like speaking arrogantly) that I have caught ds doing, and I have pointed out why it can be hurtful, and he seems to be mindful of it.
For both dd and ds, I guess we can try to instill our values, monitor their friends and outings as far as possible and set firm expectations. She is going to HS with a group of friends, and I suspect they will stay together since they are very close now - these girls always watch out for each other, and I'm hoping this will continue.

I'm sure there will be a whole lot of angst and sleepless, worry-filled nights along the way - not looking forward to that part!

[queenmama]

I'd also add in about the friends our kids have. I know we won't always be able to control that. But I can't help wonder where were the girlfriends of these girls?

Granted, I was older, but when we went out in college, we all had each other's back. If someone was drinking too much, we had a rule that 1 of us would stick by her side. One time I was drinking and my friend ran a guy off that was being too interested by telling him to give up as there was no way she was letting me out of her sight. He gave up.

I think teaching girls to watch out for their friends will also help.

Good point.

I attended wild parties in high school and we always stuck together, to the point of helping each other go to the bathroom (pulling pants up and down while in fits of laughter, etc). We never ever drank so much that we passed out, but I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have abandoned each other.


Lara

[Melaine]

I have a DD and a Ds.

For both: Our expectations are that they will not be involved in drugs/alcohol/premarital sex. They know (will know) this. They are or will be in a Christian school where, while this can happen, has a much lower likelihood of happening. Hopefully their circle of friends will have similar standards, and if not, DH and I will step in and try to encourage other friendships.

For DD: We will wait until she is at least 16 before she can go on a one-on-one date. We will meet (and approve) anyone she dates beforehand (at least through highschool). She will be well-supervised and never allowed to be in a home (ours or his) without another adult (again, at least until college, but we hope she will still follow this safety rule and just to avoid "the appearance of evil" so to speak) We will talk to her about always calling us if she needs ANYTHING ANYTIME and we will teach her to respect herself and her body and that anyone who truly cares about her will respect her as well.

For Ds: Already, at 3, we are teaching him that he needs to be a gentleman (opening doors, being polite, etc.) We are also stressing that boys ALWAYS treat girls with respect and they NEVER EVER hit or hurt a girl. We talk about how daddy treats mommy and how we expect him to treat women like his dad does, because ultimately his dad is a fabulous example of respect.

Most of all, I think if you set up expectations that drugs and drinking are of the table and that they respect themselves and others, it's the best you can do.

This is very similar to our philosophy. DH and I were both raised this way. We didn't party and these situations just didn't come up. It is appalling that someone would be victimized that way, and the rapists need to be punished to the full extent of the law. However, I will do my very best to prevent my children from ever being in a situation where ANYONE is drunk enough for this to happen.

It's important to me that my kids know that this isn't an age thing for us. A lot of kids are told they are too young to drink or party. DH and I will teach our kids that being drunk is not OK, period. We are never drunk (in fact never have been) so I hope this will be a good example. I'm not sure I'm expressing myself well: It bothers me that society seems to teach and show that "partying" and casual sex are ok for adults. Of course teenagers are going to do their best to grow up too soon by doing it too!

[ladysoapmaker]

DH and I are trying to teach our children proper behavior and confidence just to say no or you can't do that. It can be tough. With such a wide range of ages, we can talk generally when everyone is around and we try to go into specifics when we are one-on-one. We're on the same page for most things. One thing I detest is telling the little girl that the boy who keeps chasing her and pushing her down in the playground just likes her and she should deal with it. great way to set a girl up for future abusive relationships. Luckily we haven't had that situation so far. I know DH has had a talk with both DSs right after Stuebenville happened as we don't want them to passive bystanders if they are someplace where that happens.

I hope things get better as we teach our kids good values and we call shenanigins on jokes and stuff that makes light of anyone getting abused.

Jen

[pinkmomagain]

I have a 16 yo dd and a 13 yo dd.

It is getting harder and harder to exhibit control over my 16 yo and honestly she needs to learn how to make good decisions for herself because in a year and a half she is off to college.

First, I try to keep my kids very busy and active in interests. Luckily, my 16 yo is into alot of afterschool activities. She is a good kid. But she is a kid. I keep lines of communication open. I try to keep tabs on where she is. She has a senior boyfriend right now and that's a challenge. She has curfews. I have his cell phone #. They are not allowed in my home or his home by themselves. She rarely attends parties.

But honestly, if kids want to do something, they will find a way to do it. You have to explain the downside to bad decisions. A few months ago dd made a BAD decision. We were pissed and luckily nothing really awful happened. But many really awful things could have happened. She was grounded for a month and she lost our trust big time. But in a way it was a great thing to happen before going away to college. She learned what it feels like to make a bad decision, what can happen, what can potentially happen, and that it doesn't feel too good to lose your parents' trust.

You can't keep your kid in a bubble. We are very involved parents and at the same time I recognize the fact that we need to loosen the leash little by little as college gets closer and closer. It is not a fun ride though, I can tell you that.

[KLD313]

I love this thread. I think about this often even though my kids are babies. I did some stupid things despite my parents discouraging it. My friend and I picked up a male hitchhiker once, I mean how stupid was I?

I was afraid of my father but not in a scary way. He instilled fear in me that if I did something wrong there would be a consequence. I think it was more a fear of disappointing him, I respected him and I think that's important. I knew what was acceptable and what wasn't and I tried to follow that most of the time. I didn't feel that way about my mom, though. She was kind of wishy washy and never followed thorug with anything.

[cilantromapuche]

I am scared because I know how I was. I didn't do anything stupid but I did things like backpack through central america for a summer by myself. I would never let my daughter do that at a young age.
I didn't have a good relationship with my mother--maybe she was happy to see me go? It is such a fine line because I want DD to be independent (and she is!) but not THAT independent! or go with a buddy.

[westwoodmom04]

I was a fairly good kid but I snuck out to go to parties. I honestly haven't read the articles on this case, not sure I want to, but agree it is most important to teach boys and girls what to do in these situations since even the valedictorian goody two shoes may be going to parties.

Yes, I agree. And if you can keep them tucked away in high school, you can't in college and after and boys/men are capable of bad behavior well past the age of 18.

[Giantbear]

This scares the sh*t out of me. Finding the balance of letting her experience life while keeping her safe will be one of my greatest challenges.

Right now, i am just trying to teach and show her how to respect oneself and others, and i hope i will raise a strong independent woman who will have the inner strength and respect to not get herself into situations such as drinking until one passes out. A 'do as i say, not as i did' thing.

I am also hope i will be known as the crazy over protective father who is not afraid to use a shovel and bag of lime to hide the body.

[Indianamom2]

This is very similar to our philosophy. DH and I were both raised this way. We didn't party and these situations just didn't come up. It is appalling that someone would be victimized that way, and the rapists need to be punished to the full extent of the law. However, I will do my very best to prevent my children from ever being in a situation where ANYONE is drunk enough for this to happen.

It's important to me that my kids know that this isn't an age thing for us. A lot of kids are told they are too young to drink or party. DH and I will teach our kids that being drunk is not OK, period. We are never drunk (in fact never have been) so I hope this will be a good example. I'm not sure I'm expressing myself well: It bothers me that society seems to teach and show that "partying" and casual sex are ok for adults. Of course teenagers are going to do their best to grow up too soon by doing it too!

:yeahthat: I know it's not a popular stance pretty much anywhere these days, but almost all of this trouble can be avoided by avoiding drugs and alcohol. Yes, bad things can and do happen without them, but it is much less likely when everyone is actually aware of what is happening around them. I don't know for certain, but in the few recent cases of what I consider to be gang rape while a girl has passed out, most if not all of the people involved were minors. Why were they drinking in the first place? Where were their parents?

I'm not naive enough to believe that good kids can't make mistakes. I've certainly seen it happen. But I do believe that if mom and dad control themselves and set a great example, the temptation to do the bad stuff just isn't there. It definitely never was for me and I never once found myself in a situation even remotely close to what has happened in these awful circumstances. But I think it takes a lot of self-control and consistent examples from mom and dad for what we say to really matter to our kids.

[Giantbear]

:yeahthat: I know it's not a popular stance pretty much anywhere these days, but almost all of this trouble can be avoided by avoiding drugs and alcohol. Yes, bad things can and do happen without them, but it is much less likely when everyone is actually aware of what is happening around them. I don't know for certain, but in the few recent cases of what I consider to be gang rape while a girl has passed out, most if not all of the people involved were minors. Why were they drinking in the first place? Where were their parents?

I'm not naive enough to believe that good kids can't make mistakes. I've certainly seen it happen. But I do believe that if mom and dad control themselves and set a great example, the temptation to do the bad stuff just isn't there. It definitely never was for me and I never once found myself in a situation even remotely close to what has happened in these awful circumstances. But I think it takes a lot of self-control and consistent examples from mom and dad for what we say to really matter to our kids.
I think this naive. I grew up with a great family, mom and dad did not drink, party, we had dinner as a family every night, Spent lots of quality time together and so on. My wife jokes with me that i grew up in a 1950's sitcom.

What i am saying is that i had that ideal youth experience that you speak of, and i was drinking by 12, smoking pot by 15 and was not alone in my typical middle class neighborhood. Yes, everything you say is correct in how we need to set a great example for our kids, but you also need to teach them how to handle themselves if they do not walk the line as we would like. You don't teach a kid to defend themselves so they can go out and pick a fight, you teach them so they know what to do if they find themselves in a fight. To expect our kids will not drink or do drugs simply because we don't and we talk of the ills of doing so with them, imho, does them a disservice.

[writermama]

I think it's also important, beginning early in an age appropriate way, and spelling it out clearly as kids mature, to teach the idea of consent. That sex is something that two consenting people do together, respectfully, eagerly, happily, both of them.

It's not right if one person wants and pressures or pushes or badgers the other person into going along with it -- that's not respectful, or caring.

In my day, the theory was that girl who understands that she has the power to say "yes" can be much more empowered to say "no" when it doesn't feel right. But that's wrong. The burden shouldn't be on anyone to say "no" loudly enough or forcefully enough or strongly enough to convince the other person to stop.

Instead, the idea needs to be reframed as that both partners need to start something at the same level of "yes."

And anything resembling taking advantage of someone who can't say "no" isn't about sex; it's a dehumanizing act of violence and a crime.

[Nooknookmom]

I have a 16 yo dd and a 13 yo dd.

It is getting harder and harder to exhibit control over my 16 yo and honestly she needs to learn how to make good decisions for herself because in a year and a half she is off to college.

First, I try to keep my kids very busy and active in interests. Luckily, my 16 yo is into alot of afterschool activities. She is a good kid. But she is a kid. I keep lines of communication open. I try to keep tabs on where she is. She has a senior boyfriend right now and that's a challenge. She has curfews. I have his cell phone #. They are not allowed in my home or his home by themselves. She rarely attends parties.

But honestly, if kids want to do something, they will find a way to do it. You have to explain the downside to bad decisions. A few months ago dd made a BAD decision. We were pissed and luckily nothing really awful happened. But many really awful things could have happened. She was grounded for a month and she lost our trust big time. But in a way it was a great thing to happen before going away to college. She learned what it feels like to make a bad decision, what can happen, what can potentially happen, and that it doesn't feel too good to lose your parents' trust.

You can't keep your kid in a bubble. We are very involved parents and at the same time I recognize the fact that we need to loosen the leash little by little as college gets closer and closer. It is not a fun ride though, I can tell you that.


Well put...

We have a 17 yo DD and I have tried to keep an open line of communication and be on top of what she was doing yet not smother her. I came from a very OVER strict mom (she had her reasons..my dad died when I was 2, so she didn't want to lose me-I get I now, but as a teen it was horrific.). So when I hit 17/18 I was like "I'm done - I need some air".

I also think kids learn by example, if I came home and downed two bottles of wine or a six pack very night, she may say "hey mom and dad do it!". Having one once in a while ok.

I was glad she was in he nerdy-ish honor society group, less partying there! My oldest is also VERY SHY so that helped us forgo the fears of boys and sneaking out and pretending she wasn't partying, etc. She doesn't date yet, and lots of her friends don't either (phew!). She graduates in 2 months, so I'm sure that will change.

I'd know if my child were drinking and partying and I can't imagine a parent not knowing. DD has a 16 yo cousin who posted pics of herself on spring break with a rhinestone beer bong-her dad was with her (my nephew) at the hotel so had to know...THAT will get her in a situation like the one that started this thread. She may not be in control and something bad happen-I sure hope not. How he can't see that's NOT ok is beyond me. 16 & a beer bong...GASP!

[Giantbear]

Well put...

We have a 17 yo DD and I have tried to keep an open line of communication and be on top of what she was doing yet not smother her. I came from a very OVER strict mom (she had her reasons..my dad died when I was 2, so she didn't want to lose me-I get I now, but as a teen it was horrific.). So when I hit 17/18 I was like "I'm done - I need some air".

I also think kids learn by example, if I came home and downed two bottles of wine or a six pack very night, she may say "hey mom and dad do it!". Having one once in a while ok.

I was glad she was in he nerdy-ish honor society group, less partying there! My oldest is also VERY SHY so that helped us forgo the fears of boys and sneaking out and pretending she wasn't partying, etc. She doesn't date yet, and lots of her friends don't either (phew!). She graduates in 2 months, so I'm sure that will change.

I'd know if my child were drinking and partying and I can't imagine a parent not knowing. DD has a 16 yo cousin who posted pics of herself on spring break with a rhinestone beer bong-her dad was with her (my nephew) at the hotel so had to know...THAT will get her in a situation like the one that started this thread. She may not be in control and something bad happen-I sure hope not. How he can't see that's NOT ok is beyond me. 16 & a beer bong...GASP!No, you would not. And this is not a personal attack, i wouldn't either. When i tell you i was the model kid, i was every parents wet dream. Honor society, charitable, involved. When i would whip out a joint at a party, 75% of the circle would be astounded that i smoked. Now, this doesn't mean i was a bad kid or did bad things. I was actually a good kid. I just drank and smoked pot. And, to be truthful, by the time i got my license, i had been drinking for 4 years, so it was no big deal for me to be the designated driver. My point is, to think you would know, or to ask, how can a parent not know, is incredibly naive.

[westwoodmom04]

No, you would not. And this is not a personal attack, i wouldn't either. When i tell you i was the model kid, i was every parents wet dream. Honor society, charitable, involved. When i would whip out a joint at a party, 75% of the circle would be astounded that i smoked. Now, this doesn't mean i was a bad kid or did bad things. I was actually a good kid. I just drank and smoked pot. And, to be truthful, by the time i got my license, i had been drinking for 4 years, so it was no big deal for me to be the designated driver. My point is, to think you would know, or to ask, how can a parent not know, is incredibly naive.

I agree, I went to high school over 20 years, and even then, more than half the kids were going to parties with alcohol every weekend, starting probably in 10th grade. And these were the so-called good kids, the honors students and the athletes. Pot and cocaine were very available, but not as widely used. I don't think most of the parents had any clue what was going on. Almost all of these kids went on to college. I think its more realistic to assume that your kid is going to have access to alcohol and recreational drugs from middle school on, and that they may do some experimenting without your knowledge.

[TxCat]

No, you would not. And this is not a personal attack, i wouldn't either. When i tell you i was the model kid, i was every parents wet dream. Honor society, charitable, involved. When i would whip out a joint at a party, 75% of the circle would be astounded that i smoked. Now, this doesn't mean i was a bad kid or did bad things. I was actually a good kid. I just drank and smoked pot. And, to be truthful, by the time i got my license, i had been drinking for 4 years, so it was no big deal for me to be the designated driver. My point is, to think you would know, or to ask, how can a parent not know, is incredibly naive.

I agree with this 100%. I was actually a prude in high school when it came to drinking and drugs, but several of my close friends experimented and their parents had absolutely no idea - and these were very "good" girls - top of the class, involved parents (that could be borderline strict, but not harsh), some from religious households, and all sets of parents were very "proper" - no drinking, drugs, etc. Not even wine occasionally.

I worry about these kinds of stories, and basically about how to raise a teenage girl, constantly. I wasn't wild in high school, but was kind of wild early in college, and I think about the things that might have helped me. Personally, I agree with other posters about encouraging good friendships - emphasizing that one needs to look out for one's friends, stick together, and help take care of each other if things are getting out of hand. That it's okay to not always know the right answer, and that I'll be there to support them and suspend judgment in an emergency. I also think it's probably important to acknowledge that while a teenager is really excited to "grow up" and will want to do things to accelerate that (dress more provocatively, date, experiment with drugs or alcohol) to also truthfully acknowledge all the downsides that go along with it - the risks and consequences of of really bad decisions if you drink too much, the harm to a reputation if a girl is considered promiscuous, etc. I'm (naively) hoping that if I can regularly have conversations like this with my daughter, even if she's eye-rolling her way through it, some part of it will stick. And I also think that appropriate role models can help, whether in the celebrity realm or closer to home, like really accomplished girls in school a few grades above.

[wellyes]

That was my HS too. The honor roll, national honor society, sports, student council kids were the wild ones. They're also by far the most successful after school.... poor distinct and these are the ones who ended up lawyers, pharmacists, school principal.

I don't know what I'll do when this becomes an issue for me. I will raise feminist children, that's for sure. I keep thinking of that case in Steubenville where a bunch of football players assaulted a girl who was passed out. One of the observers comments something like "hey, they're totally raping her. That's rape". He doesn't actually DO anything, but, he did appear to be the only person in the room whose hackles went up. By the time my kids are that age, they will know enough to know what rape is. And that the perpetrators, not the victims, are the ones who should feel shame.

:candle: Audrie.

[bisous]

Well, first I'll be teaching compassion and kindness. I just can't see these rapes as anything but brutal violence. I can't see my children (who happen to be all boys) thinking that that would be okay in any sense of the word. But I know that I might have to have a discussion with them about how we treat women and people in general and if I need to be so explicit so be it. I think it is crucial to be honest and frank with kids. Their peers don't mince words so I don't want to afraid of the hard conversations with my kids. I know I always appreciated the unadulterated truth.

I do plan on being a strict parent. I think that is a protection to children, for sure. If it limits just a few of the opportunities for trouble than it helps kids to stay on the right path. But it cannot be the protection. My parents were wonderfully strict. Yet, I realize in looking back that if I had wanted to rebel, I could have done so and easily.

So finally I hope to instill an inner sense of right and wrong. I know some teens are level headed enough to see how stupid partying in high school can be and innately choose not to follow that path. Others are more respectful to their parents and stay out of trouble that way. I think both of those things are great character traits. For me, it was my belief that God cared about what I was doing that helped me to choose the right path and stay out of trouble in those years. I hope I can teach these things to my children and I'm trying to.

But ultimately I understand that kids make their own choices. I just hope I give them enough tools and enough love that when the time comes, they make good ones.

[Multimama]

I think there are two tragedies in the story the OP linked to. First, she was sexually assaulted, which can happen to anyone and unfortunately does happen to a lot of young women, even ones who are making all the 'right' choices. Second, she committed suicide. As a parent of teenagers one day I hope to be especially alert to signs of depression and suicidal thoughts. A lot of parents miss the warning signs. I also will teach my kids what to do to help friends who are clinically depressed or suicidal. This girl posted on Facebook about these devastating events and if someone had been able to reach her she could still be alive today. If I ever have daughters I don't just want to teach them about choices they can make that might reduce their chances of being sexually assaulted, I want to teach them that if they are sexually assaulted it is not their fault and there is help out there. Since so many young women are sexually assaulted they need to know that if it happens to them or one of their friends they are not alone and it does not define them, their worth, or their life.

[Green_Tea]

I'd know if my child were drinking and partying and I can't imagine a parent not knowing.

When I was growing up, the biggest partiers were the NHS kids, and the ones who were active in the church youth ministry. I wasn't a partier, but both of my sisters were. They were both at the top of their classes, one was the class president, in NHS, etc. My parents had NO IDEA. The smart kids are better at hiding it.

[minnie-zb]

When I was growing up, the biggest partiers were the NHS kids, and the ones who were active in the church youth ministry. I wasn't a partier, but both of my sisters were. They were both at the top of their classes, one was the class president, in NHS, etc. My parents had NO IDEA. The smart kids are better at hiding it.

:yeahthat:

One of my best friends was the class valedictorian and he drank regularly. We all partied heavily and my friends would have been considered the class nerds.

I was a very good kid, to the point my parents never thought (and still don't know) I would do 75% of the stuff I did do.

[Giantbear]

I think there are two tragedies in the story the OP linked to. First, she was sexually assaulted, which can happen to anyone and unfortunately does happen to a lot of young women, even ones who are making all the 'right' choices. Second, she committed suicide. As a parent of teenagers one day I hope to be especially alert to signs of depression and suicidal thoughts. A lot of parents miss the warning signs. I also will teach my kids what to do to help friends who are clinically depressed or suicidal. This girl posted on Facebook about these devastating events and if someone had been able to reach her she could still be alive today. If I ever have daughters I don't just want to teach them about choices they can make that might reduce their chances of being sexually assaulted, I want to teach them that if they are sexually assaulted it is not their fault and there is help out there. Since so many young women are sexually assaulted they need to know that if it happens to them or one of their friends they are not alone and it does not define them, their worth, or their life.
There was a third tragedy. Too many people knew about it and said nothing.

[hwin708]

Just watching the Steubenville coverage made it glaringly obvious that a huge part of why teens are getting the wrong message is because the adults never got the right message either. Watching the news coverage bemoaning the fate of the young "football stars" whose lives were "taken from them" by the (ridiculously light) verdict, seeing all the debate over how the girl caused this by getting so drunk, over how she liked the one of the boys so that could be taken as consent, etc etc.

I really don't think many people truly wrap their heads around what a violation this is. Teens seem to practically confuse it with drawing on each others faces when they are passed out. So, as another person said, I plan on being frank, even when it is squirm inducing. ESPECIALLY with my boys. I want them to truly grasp what it is to wake up the next morning, with no memory of what happened, but learning the people around you, people you considered friends, took the opportunity to insert things IN your body. To treat your body as a toy, as trash. I want to plant that image in there hard, so even if they do sneak out, if they do get very drunk, if they are egged on by a posse of peers, there will always be a very strong sense that this is a disgusting, criminal, evil violation beyond any question, and it must be stopped.

As for my daughters' safety, I think there is a lot to be said about having an open dynanmic, of constantly talking and listening. You get a real sense of who her friends are, which friends are trustworthy, if her mood has taken a real dive. Of course, this can be difficult if you hit the unlucky years when your teen doesn't want to talk to you at.all. But I keep talking all by myself. And constantly constantly constantly drilling home some basics - always keep your drink in sight, stay together in pairs or groups. Alternate water with drinks. Heck, I'd appeal to teen girl vanity and tell them alcohol without water is bad for their skin. I do think parents can, through constant repetition, ingrain some basic safety skills in their kids. And hopefully when they are out, at least 2 of the dozens them will stick, and help keep them safe.

While the fishbowl feeling in high school can magnify bullying and depression, rape and violence against women definitely doesn't stop at high school, and continues well after your child has left your watchful eye. So even if you do believe that you would see any drinking and partying (which I don't think is possible, but regardless), at some point, she'll be out of your home. And needs to be prepared should she ever end up at a party that crosses the line.

[infomama]

Whatever it takes.

[LizLemon]

I'd know if my child were drinking and partying and I can't imagine a parent not knowing. DD has a 16 yo cousin who posted pics of herself on spring break with a rhinestone beer bong-her dad was with her (my nephew) at the hotel so had to know...THAT will get her in a situation like the one that started this thread. She may not be in control and something bad happen-I sure hope not. How he can't see that's NOT ok is beyond me. 16 & a beer bong...GASP!

Not to pile on, but as someone who, as part of my job, treats substance abuse problems in children, parents often do not know. Kids can have substance abuse/dependence under their parents' radar until they get in severe trouble (law, health, accident, school, etc.). The progression of their use can be enabled by parents' denial: not my child, I would know, she's an honors student, he's on the <whatever> team. Alcohol use is common in high school, and even occurs in middle school - not to mention marijuana, cocaine, K2, prescription drugs, etc.

[Nooknookmom]

No, you would not. And this is not a personal attack, i wouldn't either. When i tell you i was the model kid, i was every parents wet dream. Honor society, charitable, involved. When i would whip out a joint at a party, 75% of the circle would be astounded that i smoked. Now, this doesn't mean i was a bad kid or did bad things. I was actually a good kid. I just drank and smoked pot. And, to be truthful, by the time i got my license, i had been drinking for 4 years, so it was no big deal for me to be the designated driver. My point is, to think you would know, or to ask, how can a parent not know, is incredibly naive.

Yes I would And yes I do. If theres one thing i am not - its naive! Mainly because I used every trick in the book, in college to go out and party...I've been there and done that, My friends were musicians...so nothing is getting by her dad and I (ESP since we have family in the rock world and if you've ever seen a backstage party??? Yeah-not naivel).

Anyway, I know our child very very well. I actually have a kid who doesn't party. I know hard to believe. She doesn't even drive yet. We have plenty of cousins who went down the party path and it disgusts my DD so badly, her closest cousin she spent lots lots of time with went south in 8th grade...so I have seen a lot thanks.

....and I know exactly where my kid is at all times. Again I just know my child. Not sure how your so Knowedgeable on teens as your child is what 3?

Example is that one day my then 16 yo went to a friends house last yr who's dad is some high end builder...the Girls mom picked her up In a 4 door Porsche and when I picked up my DD she tells me that the girl tried to get her to smoke a joint. Nice. Later that yr my DD was in a group project at schoo (it's a hard to get into HS with a project based curriculum)l wih a loser kid who wasn't pulling his weight and the groups grade was going to dip-she busted that kid smoking a joint ON school grounds and told the teacher she was closest to. Yep she got TONS of crap from the kids who lost their dope contact when he got expelled-too bad. So I suppose of she were partying she wouldn't have narc'd.

In my school the party kids were the "well groomed jocks and preps" who my mother told me I should dress like....little did she know what they did on the weekends.

So giant Bear thanks for the tip but as I stated I already have sown my seeds and I actually know my kid isn't drinking.

Oh and forgot to mention she has auto immune disease(s) and is on tons of meds that IF she wanted to -she couldn't drink while taking. Plus she gets reg bloodwork so I really know she's not boozing.

[moonsky]

Keep them busy with after school activities, i.e dance, sport, and music. So, they will have less/no time to do something else. That is my plan. My eldest is still in elementary and we have full schedule after school. I hope they will pick up at least one of them and be excel. That will occupy majority of their free time I hope.

[wellyes]

Keep them busy with after school activities, i.e dance, sport, and music. So, they will have less/no time to do something else. That is my plan. My eldest is still in elementary and we have full schedule after school. I hope they will pick up at least one of them and be excel. That will occupy majority of their free time I hope.
I get this in theory, but, students in sports and dance are not known for being the ones who abstain. I think the opposite is often true.

[LizLemon]

I get this in theory, but, students in sports and dance are not known for being the ones who abstain. I think the opposite is often true.

True. For instance, have you known any lacrosse players?

I agree that athletes often tend to be more involved in the partying scene, if we are talking in generalities. I think it is very scary, particularly as I work with kids every day and hear about a wide variety of bad things that can happen, and I want to try to equip my daughter to make better decisions and avoid the meanness that seems so prevalent as well.

I think the other factor in this case (and in other cases as well) is the often toxic role of technology/social media in peer relations. Now, when kids are bullied or victimized, it can go viral and it is online for everyone to see and jump on and perpetuate further. It's not just words that are exchanged and fade with time. It's text (and sometimes photos) that sits on the internet and is horrifying for the victim and, worse yet, can be seen by anyone else, too. It is a real problem. I think it is so much tougher now than it ever was.

[bisous]

LizLemon, I'm super curious as to what your strategy will be with your kids! It seems like you're "in the know" more than many of us and I'm wondering what you think is worthwhile with kids in preparing them to make good choices with regards to partying and other related issues. Would you mind sharing?

[moonsky]

I get this in theory, but, students in sports and dance are not known for being the ones who abstain. I think the opposite is often true.

It may be minority. I have known families whose kids are very into violin and another family into dance. Each kid practices so much daily, 3hrs+. Parents end up homeschool their kids. So, the activity doesn't interfere with their study.
They think being in regular schools waste a lot of kids' time as teachers need to go around the class accommodate kids in different levels of learning.