Moms of sensitive kids: help!

[twotimesblue]

My DS1 has just turned 3, and is a very sensitive little soul. His art class teacher calls him 'Mr Methodical' as he is very polite and sweet-natured but will always wait until other kids have chosen their snack/had a turn on the slide/moved away from the activity he desperately wants to do before he feels comfortable 'moving in'.
He is very confident and social in familiar settings and with kiddos that he knows well (mainly girls, as they are often less 'physical' - DS is all boy with his love of trucks etc but he gets very upset when a kid invades his space/snatches a toy etc). We have been doing group activities since he was a newborn, so he has been well socialized, it's just his nature to be 'reserved' and 'slow to warm up' in new situations: I guess I assumed he'd get more used to other kids by now.
Today we were at the park and a boy he vaguely knows just came up in his face... DS1 got VERY upset, I mean big tears. The same boy came up to him later, with a bag over his head (I think he was trying to be playful), but it just set DS off again. He was sobbing and pleading with me to leave the park. It breaks my heart to see him suffer like this but I know when he starts preschool in September he will have to deal with those sorts of encounters daily. I am petrified of how he will cope if I'm not there to help sooth him... when he feels affronted by another child, he always asks to leave the party/room/wherever we are, and only I can talk him down. The teachers at this school are great, but they won't see every 'incident', and 95% of the other kids will be louder and more confident than him so I worry he might 'slip through the cracks' and start to hate preschool (and me for sending him!) It's even worse for him as he is very tall for his age - wears a 5-6T - and people assume he is much older. We get 'looks' and comments when he stands back from other kids, and even more when he gets upset after a confrontation of some sort.
I want to honor his disposition as he is a real sweetie-pie but I also think preschool is important. Anyone BTDT?

[RedSuedeShoes]

Oh, heck yes, I have BTDT! Your son sounds so much like my oldest at that age. He is now 12. I struggled with many of these same questions about how to best help him deal with things while still honoring who he was - such a sweet, sweet, loving, thoughtful, considerate boy! I found the book The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron and it helped us so much. It actually helped us understand ourselves better, too, as both DH and I have similar temperaments. After finding the book, I found some groups online (have no idea if the same ones still exist, but I'm sure there are groups in some format) of HSC parents and that was very helpful to me as well.

FWIW, my son has done so well in school despite all my concerns at those early ages. Academically, socially, physically - he is thriving, and it is such a joy to see that after wondering (and worrying) so much. Those early years were so intense, and I wasn't sure if his whole life would be that way or not. He is still very sensitive, and in some ways more intense than my other kids, but overall he's doing great and I don't worry about him in the same way I used to early on.

I do think the schools we chose were good fits for him, and that helped him be successful. His preschool was one mixed-age classroom of 24 kids and a very low-key orderly vibe. Not too overstimulating or chaotic (I mean, as "not chaotic" as a room of 24 kids can be) and a real sense of order as far as daily schedule, expectations for behavior, etc. He did not love it all the time, and he definitely had some difficulty with me leaving at times. We did a LOT of talking/processing outside of school, and we also developed a "leaving" routine which we did every single day (we read the book The Kissing Hand and incorporated a kissing hand into our routine). I'm not sure I would have made him stick with it if I hadn't needed that time to myself so much. In retrospect, I'm glad we stuck with it - he really needed preschool to learn some important things about social interactions, and to start learning how to function as part of a group before kindergarten (all day, bigger group, bigger school). By the time he was a bigger kid at preschool (his second year), it was great to see how confident he was and how much he enjoyed helping the younger kids find their way around, etc.

Oh, and my oldest was always really tall for his age too, so I know exactly what you mean about people expecting more behavior-wise than your sweet boy can manage at times. Ignore those people as much as you can, and focus on what he needs. There's only so much you can worry about, and what everyone else is thinking is their worry, not yours! The fact that he has a mom who's so in tune with him and proactive about wanting to help him be successful is huge! And on a personal note, take care of yourself too, because attentively parenting this temperament is exhausting (especially if you are highly sensitive yourself) and it will wear you right out if you are not careful.

[wendmatt]

Bless him. I think you are doing a fabulous job of letting him be who he is without pusing too much. DD was the same. She is 10 now and still very reserved and cautious. She does much better in social situations and is confident in school. She is still quiet and certainly not the life and soul but she is well liked and happy in herself. I think in time they learn how best to adapt. If he is mostly happy and not scared all the time, he will be fine at pre-K. DD never spoke at pre-K, she would sit in the corner and read and not interact very much, and play by herself most of the time on the play ground, but she liked it and was happy there. So easy to say don't worry, but I am sure your ds will be fine.

[Melaine]

My girls were VERY VERY similar, I have posted here many of my concerns. They were so passive, shy, sensitive. I remember once DD came up to me crying at age 4.5 because an 18 month old had taken a toy from her. She didn't say no or even try to move away, just burst into tears. They would often stay by my side in public, refuse to talk to people and they were afraid to do things like slide down a slide even though I knew they wanted to. They are the rule-followers, also and would often get overlooked by adults in favor of pushier, more aggressive children.

This is probably not what most here would say, but I would say keep him home for another year. I know that preschool is valuable, but I also think you can provide the same kind of valuable experiences at home (and at activities).

This year I watched my shy, sensitive, socially challenged 5 year olds happily walk into a new classroom for the first time and wave goodbye to me. There have been no tears, no fears, no major worries about "school" (two days a week 8-3). They have loved every minute of it! For us, I think taking the slow way was better. It allowed them to grow up at their own pace. I remind myself that our society is unusual the way we expect children to be separated from their mothers so young.

[georgiegirl]

My DD (7) has always been very sensitive. Going to preschool really helped her become more confident and independent. I think in some ways it's better to start the sensitive ones young (at 3), so they can be better adjusted to the "chaos" of school and different personalities before starting kindergarten. My DD is in first grade and does well socially and academically. However, she is very particular about her friends (only the other well behaved kids who aren't too crazy.). She still gets upset when other kids are wild, loud, etc., but she's learning how to cope. As they get older, they don't get less sensitive, they just develop skills to deal with it.