Would you give a birthday gift to your STBX?

[kozachka]

My soon to be ex-husband is turning 50 years old next month. I am wondering if I should get him a birthday present from DS and/or I. If it makes a difference, I was the one who initiated the relatively amicable divorce because of his long standing issues with alcohol and inability / unwillingness to get a job / establish business in the States. We have not been invited to the birthday party and he will be out of the country and possibly traveling, so we won't see him till June.

My mom gilted / pressured me into getting him something for the holidays since he is a father of my child etc. I bought him a nice Vince sweater, which turned out to be too big for him since he lost weight, but ultimately it was not important, since he refused to accept the gift, and did not get me anything. I am not expecting a gift from him for my birthday this summer, maybe just an email, but mine is not an important milestone like his. I feel like I should get him something from DS, and a card from me. Thoughts and suggestions as to what (if anything) I should get my STBX from DS and I are most welcome.

[ArizonaGirl]

I don't think you are obligated to give him anything, even a card. As for your DS I think that at his age, I might ask him if he wants to give his dad a birthday present and then let him choose, if he desires.

Just my .02.

[essnce629]

I don't think you are obligated to give him anything, even a card. As for your DS I think that at his age, I might ask him if he wants to give his dad a birthday present and then let him choose, if he desires.

Yes to this. I wouldn't get him anything from you, but I'd let DS pick out a gift or make him a card.

[JBaxter]

If it were mine the answer would have been HELL NO. I always made sure the kids got him a card but that was it. You are not obligated to do a gift/ card or cake. I made sure the boys got their dad something for christmas the first year we split HE was not that thoughtful. After that I took the boys shopping and gave them a some money they were allowed to buy me something.

[klwa]

I don't think you are obligated to give him anything, even a card. As for your DS I think that at his age, I might ask him if he wants to give his dad a birthday present and then let him choose, if he desires.

Just my .02.

I think that's the best advice.

[wellyes]

If he refused your last gift, that is a pretty clear signal. I would send nothing from me, and have your son send him a gift/card of his choice.

[Cam&Clay]

XH and I have always shopped with DS1 to get a present for the other parent for birthdays, Christmas, and Mothers/Fathers Day. We both felt it was important to show DS1 the significance of thinking of your parents on special occasions. We also would give cash to DS1 to take the other one of us to dinner for Mothers/Fathers Day.

XH even did the same sort of thing when I graduated from grad school. He and DS1 took me out to dinner and gave me a nice piece of jewelry. XH also makes sure that DS1 has a present for DS2's birthday and for my DH's birthday, which isn't necessary, but he does it anyway.

And, yes, I know that my divorce is not typical, but even when things were more difficult in the early years, we made a big effort to always show respect to each other, especially in front of DS1.

[icunurse]

If he has refused a gift directly from you, then I don't think that you need to get him one. But I would encourage DS to pick something out for him. If they will be having visitation, maybe it can be something that they can enjoy together - games, movie tickets, etc.

My brother and his wife are (mostly) amicably divorced. She has always made an effort to have their children get him a gift and he hasn't made big efforts. Not only do the kids now read between those lines, but she has taught them that even if someone isn't always generous to you, you should strive to be considerate to them. Life lesson.

[chozen]

I don't think you are obligated to give him anything, even a card. As for your DS I think that at his age, I might ask him if he wants to give his dad a birthday present and then let him choose, if he desires.

Just my .02.

:yeahthat: yes this sounds very reasonable.

[123LuckyMom]

Normally I would say go ahead and get a gift, but if he directly refused a gift from you, the best gift you could get him is to back away. I agree that your son should get his dad a gift.

[kep]

Yes to this. I wouldn't get him anything from you, but I'd let DS pick out a gift or make him a card.

This exactly.

[div_0305]

Let your son pick out a gift and card, and make it from him. Perhaps he refused your xmas gift to keep the relationship more clear? It might be giving him mixed signals about being together since you initiated the divorce. I dunno--just thinking out loud.

[waitingforgrace]

A gift from you? No

A gift from your DS? Yes, you should encourage your DS to pick out a card and gift for him. Even if he doesn't reciprocate for you, it is important to try to foster the relationship between DS and your soon to be XH.

[AnnieW625]

I would have your DS give him a gift and a card. I like Cam&Clay's thoughts on the issue. I think maintaining the relationship between your DS and your ex is important (even if the divorce between the two of you is less than amicable).

[Binkandabee]

I agree with the others. Nothing from you as he has already made it clear that is not something he's comfortable with or appreciates. Definitely let your DS pick a present and card of his own choice, though.

[sntm]

Card from DS. My XH got me a birthday gift in the middle of our very contentious divorce (a heart shaped Le creuset baking dish - wtf?) and it made me very uncomfortable.

[citymama]

kozachka, I had no idea you were going through a divorce. I know that you had previously talked about your (now ex) DH's alcohol and other issues, so I feel happy for you that you have been able to embark on this road. I agree with the others that your DS should make a card but if he's rejected your previous gift then don't waste a second of your time on a gift for him now.

[kozachka]

kozachka, I had no idea you were going through a divorce. I know that you had previously talked about your (now ex) DH's alcohol and other issues, so I feel happy for you that you have been able to embark on this road.

Thank you for your support, Citymama. It means a lot! I've posted about the divorce before, albeit not too much, given that this a public forum. I have my moments but overall I am doing and looking really well :). It's like a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders and I am enjoying life again. Wish I did it earlier, but looking back at my circumstances, I could not have done it any earlier and fared as well as I am faring now, so no regrets.

[citymama]

Thank you for your support, Citymama. It means a lot! I've posted about the divorce before, albeit not too much, given that this a public forum. I have my moments but overall I am doing and looking really well :). It's like a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders and I am enjoying life again. Wish I did it earlier, but looking back at my circumstances, I could not have done it any earlier and fared as well as I am faring now, so no regrets.

Big hugs and we are here when you need us! Hope your DS is handling the transition alright.

[kozachka]

I guess the consensus is that I don't need to get STBX a gift (yeah!) or even a card (will send email as he did for International Women Day for me), and that I should help DS pick both for his Dad.

[niccig]

I guess the consensus is that I don't need to get STBX a gift (yeah!) or even a card (will send email as he did for International Women Day for me), and that I should help DS pick both for his Dad.

This is what my friend did. Her DS picked out presents. Unfortunately, her XH never thought to help her son buy her a present. I used to babysit her son while she had an evening class, so I took him shopping for a present. See if you can set that up with some friends or family, as kids love to buy presents for their parents.

[Globetrotter]

I have my moments but overall I am doing and looking really well . It's like a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders and I am enjoying life again.

I'm glad to hear this, though it is never an easy transition!

Definitely don't buy him a gift but let ds decide!

[mommy111]

Thank you for your support, Citymama. It means a lot! I've posted about the divorce before, albeit not too much, given that this a public forum. I have my moments but overall I am doing and looking really well :). It's like a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders and I am enjoying life again. Wish I did it earlier, but looking back at my circumstances, I could not have done it any earlier and fared as well as I am faring now, so no regrets.
Kozachka, I had no idea you had been going through a divorce! I'm not online as much as I used to be so I guess I missed your posts but I always wondered why a smart, beautiful, successful, independant woman like yourself would stay with a person like him.

[kozachka]

Kozachka, I had no idea you had been going through a divorce! I'm not online as much as I used to be so I guess I missed your posts but I always wondered why a smart, beautiful, successful, independant woman like yourself would stay with a person like him.

That's OK. I did not post much on the subject of divorce since it's a public forum, and my STBXH knows I used to spend a lot of time on it. Plus, I am one of those people who takes a lot of time to decide, but once I made up my mind, it's a done deal. As far as I am concerned, I've done everything possible to save my marriage, and than some x10, but once I realized that it was not a good thing for DS, that was it. Of course, it took many months for my STBXH to accept the fact that this time I was serious (I've threatened to divorce him many, many times before) and that I am done with him.

Part of the problem as to why it took me so long is that I am strong and hate to fail, so I tried to make the marriage work, and than tried to stay in it for the sake of DS. The other part of the reason why it took me so long to pull the plug is that I wanted to make sure that DS and I would be fine financially and otherwise without his Dad, and it takes time to get a good job, become a citizen and establish a support network, when you move to an expensive area like the SF Bay Area from another country, and you have never worked in the States or in the industry in which you want to get a job, but I did it and I am glad because that makes for a very strong negotiation position during mediation. And don't even get me started on him asking for spousal support (he is owns a business overseas so can manipulate pretty easily what his income is).

Anyway, it's been a long road and I am still not quite done, but it was so worth it. I already feel 100x happier and it shows.

[kozachka]

Thought you'd guys want to hear an update. At the advice of one of my IRL girfriends I emailed STBXH and asked what he'd like as a gift from DS and where to mail it to. I also said that I presume that he won't welcome a gift from me, considering he did not accept the one for the New Years.

He promptly replied confirming that there is nothing he wants as a gift from me because I can't afford what he really wants (e.g., insert name of a very expensive sports car that starts with L here) and everything else he can buy himself. And asked me what I want for my birthday this summer since he [finally] learned how to purchase things on eBay, and would like to "shower me with gifts". Interesting and confusing.... I did not respond, but it was good to clear this with him.

[KpbS]

What a bizarre response! I am sorry you are going through this but glad to hear things are going well! :hug:

I would help DS pick out a card, write it, and put it in the mail. Done.

[vejemom]

He promptly replied confirming that there is nothing he wants as a gift from me because I can't afford what he really wants (e.g., insert name of a very expensive sports car that starts with L here) and everything else he can buy himself. And asked me what I want for my birthday this summer since he [finally] learned how to purchase things on eBay, and would like to "shower me with gifts". Interesting and confusing.... I did not respond, but it was good to clear this with him.

This sounds very similar to what my STBX tends to say. I've noticed over the years that he trends towards Cluster B personality traits. That kind of language is fairly typical - he has even used the exact phrase "shower you with gifts" .

[pinkmomagain]

The other part of the reason why it took me so long to pull the plug is that I wanted to make sure that DS and I would be fine financially and otherwise without his Dad, and it takes time to get a good job, become a citizen and establish a support network, when you move to an expensive area like the SF Bay Area from another country, and you have never worked in the States or in the industry in which you want to get a job, but I did it and I am glad because that makes for a very strong negotiation position during mediation.

Just had to say that I really admire your strength and determination. I am truly impressed. Best of luck to you as you make a new life for you and your son.

[Binkandabee]

Wow, that's a wildly bizarre reply. My advice remains take your DS to pick out the gift and card that your DS wants to give to his father, and call it a day.

[mommy111]

My aunt used to say, 'when the flowers start coming, the relationship is dead' and that's certainly been my experience with manipulative men and gifts/flowers.....its their way of manipulating your feelings so that you're not as angry with them and give them another chance.
I'll marry again when I meet a man who can be nice to me on a daily basis and not do the fight/flowers/fight/gifts routine :)

[BunnyBee]

Thought you'd guys want to hear an update. At the advice of one of my IRL girfriends I emailed STBXH and asked what he'd like as a gift from DS and where to mail it to. I also said that I presume that he won't welcome a gift from me, considering he did not accept the one for the New Years.

He promptly replied confirming that there is nothing he wants as a gift from me because I can't afford what he really wants (e.g., insert name of a very expensive sports car that starts with L here) and everything else he can buy himself. And asked me what I want for my birthday this summer since he [finally] learned how to purchase things on eBay, and would like to "shower me with gifts". Interesting and confusing.... I did not respond, but it was good to clear this with him.

Weird. They sell fancy cars on eBay. Maybe link up a Rolls Royce? ;)

[mommy111]

And on my mean days, I'd steer DS towards buying him a matchbox lexus :icon_twisted:

[kozachka]

Weird. They sell fancy cars on eBay. Maybe link up a Rolls Royce? ;)

I mistyped. STBXH learned to buy things on Amazon, not eBay, which would be the next step up in his education of how to do things on his own, I guess ;). Clearly, I've been doing all the shopping in our family, except for groceries since STBXH used to cook, have to give him credit for this.

Oh, yeah, and in the email asking me when I'd be able to give up the old Lexus that his mom gifted him, which makes it his personal property, he offered me the use of his other car (purchased before we got married) till October. And get this, the STBXH suggested I buy a used Porsche 911 :shrug:. It's a car of his dreams, and he knows that I like it, too, but can't afford, hence the poke, I guess :irked:. Told STBXH that I won't be buying the car he suggested since it's not in my budget, even used, but maybe I should sent him a link to one in response to the email re: birthday gift suggestion :icon_twisted:. Or better yet remind him that the guy I am dating already has one :loveeyes:. JK about the reminder, although that could be another reason for the 'kind' suggestion.

I have a nice, sporty car in mind, the one that loses a lot of value in the first few years, so STBXH will be 'happy' for me when he finds out. Not going to be too practical for once. Want to reward self for becoming free and call the years when I lived below what I could afford to.

[kozachka]

And on my mean days, I'd steer DS towards buying him a matchbox lexus :icon_twisted:

Good idea, except it would have to be a matchbox Lamborghini because that's the only thing that he wants but can't afford to buy himself :barf:.

Saving this email for the next time he says he can't afford to pay half the cost of DS after school care or wants me to pay him spousal support :banghead: since he makes so much less than me. Right...

[kozachka]

This sounds very similar to what my STBX tends to say. I've noticed over the years that he trends towards Cluster B personality traits. That kind of language is fairly typical - he has even used the exact phrase "shower you with gifts" .

Off to read up on Cluster B personality traits. STBXH definitely needs admiration and seeks attention, which confirms your theory.