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dogmom
04-18-2013, 09:12 AM
OK, even if no one responds, I need to get this out there so I can move on with my life.

600 miles one way, by myself with the kids.

Thank you Mom for giving up your bed and setting up a cot for DD in your office so we can all have our own bedroom, I do appreciate that. However, maybe washing the sheets in the guest bedroom might have been nice so when I put my DS to bed the first night I wasn't surprised by a mat of cat hair 1/2 inch thick on the pillow you expected him to sleep on. (I am NOT exaggerating)

Yes, thank you for asking me what the kids eat. But it makes be a little nervous you by so much of your food from the dollar store. And as you put it, "The real $ store where things still cost a dollar, not those chain stores." So I'm slightly suspicious of the no name cheese, frozen breakfast sandwiches, salad dressing, crackers, etc. that all seem to have sell by dates for this month. And thank you for the fruits, but maybe next time it can not be half gone because you had to buy it on sale. And when you ask me twice if my kids would like french fries with there pre-cooked chicken that you microwaved and half rotten fruit and I say yes, they would like french fries. I meant yes, not, let's not make them and see if we notice. And yes, my DD said the ketchup taste funny, even though you insist it is Heinz, you just broke the bottle and put it in another container. So either it's another $ store no name brand or it's way past it's due date. It does taste funny. (No, my mother is not destitute. She's not rich, but she's not that poor.)

And yes, we spend a lot of time at my Dad's when we visit. (He lives in a one bedroom house so we can't stay there.) Because Dad actually interacts with the kids and does not sit there with a frown on his face with arms crossed intermittently trying to correct the kids in a voice that brings some PTSD back for me.

And yes, I will wash the bathtub before my DD takes a bath. No, it's not just the old stuff on the bottom of the tub for noslip that the last owners put on that is the problem. It's filthy. The whole house if filthy. Not call the health department dirty, but just this side. Look, I have a high tolerance. I have dogs. But this place skeeves me out. The layer of dust, grime, etc. has to have been built up over years because it's just you and no one ever visits. I went to get a glass out of the kitchen cabinet and I almost screeched because the nob was bumpy with grime. And yes, when my DD is taking the bath I will lock myself in the BR with your $ store no name cleaning products that suck and are probably toxic to clean it. And I would have appreciated if you could have at least cleaned off your crusted over vomit from the inside of the toilet and the side of the tub from your bulimia. My DS lifts of the lid and would see that if he wasn't a 10 yo boy and oblivious. (On I side not I do appreciate you not drinking while we were there, or at least not so much that we noticed when we got back to the house.)

Yes, I want to open the window because it is 85 degrees in the office my DD is sleeping in with the cat box.

I would also have appreciated if you kept the news off and did not leave the morning papers with graphic pictures of the bombing back home in Boston. Yes, the kids know, but they don't need all that information. I feel like crap that soon as I heard the news I knew what my fellow coworkers would be doing since we are the closest hospital and we are the trauma unit. I want to be there to help, not stuck in western PA.

And no, on the way back I am not driving 40 miles out of my way to avoid the "rush hour traffic" that you think I will run into at 6 am going past Pittsburgh. I'm from Boston, I laugh at your traffic.

Mostly, I just hate the person I become when I'm there. I need to just interact with her on a very limited basis and deal with my kids so I don't loose it with her. Part of me has great sympathy because she is so anxious and fearful about everything and it has gotten worse since she has retired. But the other part of me just wants to shout at her, "Stop being so miserable! No one wants to be with you because you are miserable."

hellokitty
04-18-2013, 09:29 AM
:hug: I can actually relate to a lot of these things that you posted about. I hope that your visit is short. Is there any way that she can come over to your place, instead of you hauling the kids to her (scary) place, next time? I refuse to spend the night at my parents' place, for many of the reasons you just stated about your moms place. So, I totally get it!

elektra
04-18-2013, 09:36 AM
That sounds really stressful. Hope you can all make it through relatively unscathed.

amom526
04-18-2013, 09:36 AM
I so totally feel for you. We should write a book together.

Some of my special nuggets:

Mil I am thankful you borrowed a crib for ds to sleep in, but the thing is clearly ancient and about to collapse at any second. it also reeks of who knows what.

When you tell ds you want to brush his hair, and hold up 30 something year old bils brush, I am going to suggest that is not the best idea. When shortly thereafter you take ds into the bathroom and close the door, I am going to open it and stand there.

I am not going to let ds eat food that has been opened for over a year, or has been expired for over a year.

And yes, I am going to leave the room when you start suggesting hand exercises for my 4 month old, because his hands feel "tight".

And the dirt. Oh the dirt. I will not let my kids bathe there period. And we stay there for 2-3 days a time sometimes.

Sorry for hijacking, but I am so totally with you.

Twoboos
04-18-2013, 09:43 AM
That sounds awful! I don't blame you at all for being skeeved out.

But I have to tell you, this made me LOL because it's so true! :) Go Boston!


And no, on the way back I am not driving 40 miles out of my way to avoid the "rush hour traffic" that you think I will run into at 6 am going past Pittsburgh. I'm from Boston, I laugh at your traffic.

candybomiller
04-18-2013, 09:43 AM
I hear you. We have our own special set of woes when we go visiting family. I hope you make it out alive!

crl
04-18-2013, 10:00 AM
:hug:

Catherine

Mermanaid
04-18-2013, 10:00 AM
Do we have the same mother?! I am sorry I can relate to many of the issues you listed. Specifically the cleanliness and quality of food/items. My mother loves the Family Dollar store. Thank goodness our whole family's complaining has forced her to buy two-ply toilet paper.

wellyes
04-18-2013, 10:10 AM
Cheap, dirty and scared of Pittsburgh traffic.... I can relate.

dogmom
04-18-2013, 12:20 PM
Thanks everyone. I just needed to vent. My Mom is not a horrible person, in some ways she's pretty amazing. She decided to go back to school when I was in middle school to become a nurse, something she stopped when she got married. (Very early 1960's, it was the thing to do.) She graduated top in her class even though I never saw her study, she still did all the cooking, laundry, and got up to get my dad breakfast before he went to work. Let's just say my Dad was not as supportive as he could of been, but very 1970's. From a 70's standpoint my parents were great, but things are much different now. She's definitely got some deep psychological damage from her childhood, which I can only guess at, and it's not like at the age of 67 she's going to magically start dealing with it. She remarried after she divorced my Dad, and her husband died of cancer about 10 years ago. I just think she's really gone downhill since, although she's been worse. She was never a great housekeeper, and it certainly hasn't gotten any better. I think her anxiety just keeps her from experiencing the world in a joyful way.

We only go down once a year. Trying to get her up here is painful. She used to fly, but now the stress of her getting to the airport, a possible plane delay, where she is going to park, etc. just makes it a no go now. So she has to drive up, which I can attest is hard on my wrecked from nursing 47 yo body, I'm sure it's harder on her. She does manage to get around to it about every other year, but it clearly stresses her out. The kids actually love to visit, luckily they seem to me to preoccupied by the two cats to see the dirt. (Or maybe it's not that different from home, lol.)

I can deal with my mother pretty well long distance, but face to face for long periods of time without my DH makes me crazy. I'm not sure what we will do on the next trip, because I fear the house has gotten to a state where my DH will not stay there. (And yet he cannot see the dirt in our bathroom to clean it, isn't that convenient!) She bought this townhouse with 3 BR so we can visit, so it would be a big thing for us NOT to stay there. Ughhh. I am so putting off this decision until next year.

The funny part is she's sort of the exact opposite of my MIL. My DH thinks we should bet the two of them into the basement and switch around parts to make one awesome grandma. I've been trying to convince her to move up here and rent some subsidized elderly apartment, but that is change and she is afraid of change. It would be so much better if we could manage smaller doses more frequently and be less stressful on both of us.

hellokitty
04-18-2013, 12:35 PM
Reading your update, it does sound very stressful and I did wonder if maybe she was not able to travel, since it didn't sound ideal for you to stay at her place. IDK if you are up for suggestions, but if you do a once a yr visit, would she be open to taking a trip with you? Maybe you guys pick her up on the way? Or is she just so attached to the house, that she won't leave it to stay elsewhere at all? That way, you don't have to stay at her place, but can still spend time with her, but in a nicer/cleaner environment with stuff to do. I do agree with you about how mental issues can be very apparent from their household environment. We've definitely noticed it with my parents, and my mom WANTS to fix it, but my dad basically refuses to let her do anything. Now he is retired too and watches everything that she does, so she can't even throw things out behind his back or get things fixed while he is at work. It's a frustrating situation and my dh basically says that my parents have one of those toxic houses, which probably just causes them to act even more odd. I hope that you are able to convince your mom to move closer to you.

sophiesmom03
04-18-2013, 03:00 PM
You had me at the cat hair and litter box. Ugh!

If you can think of a polite way to say "Oh, let's just go shopping when I get there/I'll bring along some groceries so you don't have to go out of your way" please let me know because I could use it on my ILs!

Ceepa
04-18-2013, 03:52 PM
If you can think of a polite way to say "Oh, let's just go shopping when I get there/I'll bring along some groceries so you don't have to go out of your way" please let me know because I could use it on my ILs!

"The kids are going through such a picky phase we'll just hit the store on the way in to make it easier on everyone." Worked well for us.

solsister
04-19-2013, 03:22 AM
That sounds miserable, and I would not do it. Life is too short, honestly.

I, conveniently, have developed a pet allergy, in my 40's, and can not stay anywhere that there are cats or dogs. It sucks, in reality, but gives us an awesome excuse to not have to stay at crazy relative's houses.

Are you feeling sneezy? I thought so!

BunnyBee
04-19-2013, 11:30 AM
That sounds miserable, and I would not do it. Life is too short, honestly.

I, conveniently, have developed a pet allergy, in my 40's, and can not stay anywhere that there are cats or dogs. It sucks, in reality, but gives us an awesome excuse to not have to stay at crazy relative's houses.

Are you feeling sneezy? I thought so!

Cat allergy, ASAP! We stay at a hotel or VRBO condo when visiting any relatives. Even if they're not crazy!

That sounds so stressful. Can you stay at a hotel? Meet her out and about? She may be mad about that, but it doesn't sound as if she is being pleasant or kind to you as it is. :(

niccig
04-19-2013, 12:02 PM
I can deal with my mother pretty well long distance, but face to face for long periods of time without my DH makes me crazy.

This will be me in June. I'm going to see my parents for 2 weeks. I only have to hold out for 1 week on my own, then my younger sister and her new DH will be there. Mum has never met him, so she'll be on her best behavior for the 2nd week. So only 7 days on my own to survive.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult time.

maestramommy
04-19-2013, 12:06 PM
Wow. :hug::hug::hug:

doberbrat
04-19-2013, 04:04 PM
you had me at 600 miles one way, by myself with the kids. :hug:

dogmom
04-19-2013, 08:29 PM
you had me at 600 miles one way, by myself with the kids. :hug:

Thank you all!!!!

Really, it's nice to be someplace and not feel like I complete failure as a mom, daughter, etc. I so often give advice that amounts to "give yourself break". It's nice to know I have someplace where people won't judge. I did reach out to my mom today and really urge her to move up here. I hope it works.