How to help DSD, bipolar, new baby, alone

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Please give me your insight, strategy, whatever help you can I would so appreciate.
DSD gave birth to premie at 29 weeks 3 months ago. Since then she and her DH have separated. Both have extreme mental issues. She is bipolar and he is a cutter with suicide attempts. He is also a very heavy drinker with DWIs. DSD went off meds during pregnancy and we have been paying for her to see a doctor to get the meds right again. She quit her serving job while pregnant and for the first time he is the breadwinner. He has committed to her that he will give her his paycheck for one year and stay married so she can be covered by his insurance. Based on his proven level of responsibility this means exactly nothing. DSD is living in a deamworld. She keeps talking about going on vacations this summer, returning to school to finish her teaching degree ( she is 36 and has been talking about this for ten years, even if she did she would never get of keep a teaching job I hate to say it but I know this to be true) At other times in her life we have helped to fund the 5th,6th,7th try at going back to school and are not prepared to do this again. They have huge debt, culinary school loans which he quit half way through, the $4000 set of dishes and cookware they bought so they could get a free honeymoon trip, a new car they both somehow managed to sign on for.
DH and I feel like she thinks we will step in and pay for her and the child if husband suddenly stops giving her his paycheck. DH is almost 60 and we are saving for retirement and 2 college educations at an accelerated rate and not on a huge income. Our standard of living has been secured through his diligent savings and investment since he was very young. But I think she sees a big house and a bag of money.
Grandson is doing well (although he is not at all responsive to loud noises which freaks me out) and she appears to be a good mother. We thinks she should be thinking along the lines of working the 3 days a week that she does not have her son but that is so far off her radar. DH and I are both beyond stressed about this and how to help her. DH's mother is on hospice and he has his own medical conditions that are, at times, severe.
If it came to it they could live here for a week or a month but nothing long term. Being around her is extremely, extremely stressful. It is likely that she will completely shut out any advance planning ideas that we give her but we feel we need to try. I know not giving them money probably sounds really harsh to a lot of you but we are trying to think of ways to actually help the situation long term. ( Yes, if the baby is out of food we will help but not with rent,car payments, we know this situation well enough to know that once that door is opened it will never close). AND she just told me her DH is stealing alcohol from his job so the crap may hit the fan really, really soon.

[niccig]

I think the priority now needs to be medical care to get her on the right meds and then maybe a therapist or someone that she can talk through options when she's ready to deal with them. I don't think that kind of advice will be heard if it comes from you.

I'd also see about medical care for the baby - have his hearing tested if you're concerned.

As for help they'll need long term - it sounds like they could lose where they live, health insurance etc if her H leaves them or loses his job. I don't know what to do about that. Maybe look into services that can help a single mom with no income.

I'm sorry, it looks like a train wreck is happening, but I don't know if you can stop it.

[crl]

I wish I had good ideas to help.

Maybe you could do all the research on the various welfare programs (food stamps, Medicare, wic, subsidized housing, etc) and have the forms ready to go if she needs them?

And maybe encourage her to look for work on the days you mentioned? I'm not sure what lure might work? Maybe saving for the vacations she mentioned--just to get her working.

Catherine

[JBaxter]

Call me Susan We'll talk but point her toward WIC, section 8 and food stamps. Do NOT let her move in with you even for ONE DAY she won't leave. I know she is trying to be a good mother but in reality she can't and it's not your responsiblity to do it for her.

[brittone2]

Is she capable of planning and budgeting? If not, can you offer to help her work through that? I know even with something like that in place, chances are she may be unwilling or unable to follow a budget. I'm wondering if you could lay out various scenarios (DH continues to hold a job and provide $ and insurance vs. not).

I have a bipolar half sibling, and I know where you are coming from. BTDT for years, and it is really, really hard to balance support vs. enabling. It is also really difficult when you see the train wreck coming :( and yet can't do anything to really avert it.

I don't know if you've connected with NAMI, but I would strongly encourage you to get connected with a support group so you can have some help in navigating the balance of support vs. enabling. I'd also strongly encourage her to attend NAMI meetings for herself, and offer to provide childcare, etc. during those times. (and if she moves in or gets any financial support from you, I'd probably lay this out as a precondition of support? Perhaps some individual counseling sessions for you could help in knowing what kinds of requirements are reasonable for you to put on the table if you are going to provide financial support or temporary housing). You may not be able to get her help, but you can get help for yourselves in navigating how to handle the situation, you know? I think that may be your best bet, as frustrating as that is (and I know spending time and $$ on that is incredibly frustrating, but it may be all you can guarantee in this type of scenario...working on your own skillset to support her without enabling).

It really is a tough situation to be in, especially with the baby involved.

[kara97210]

Maybe you could do all the research on the various welfare programs (food stamps, Medicare, wic, subsidized housing, etc) and have the forms ready to go if she needs them?


This is what I was thinking. It seems like there is a lot to navigate with these programs, potentially long wait lists, etc. I understand why you would put your foot down on paying her living costs, from our experience once you start it never ends. Good luck, it's a really hard situation.

[niccig]

Another thought, is there anyone you can talk to re. legal issues of separation, money, being in debt etc. If still married, her Dh could run up huge bills and I think she'll be liable for them. Need to not have shared credit cards etc. I don't know if there's a way she can legally separate before divorce so doesn't have to deal with that. Maybe advice on declaring bankruptcy if the debts are too high etc.

[Pear]

If you do help her financially, it should be to secure a divorce attorney. She may be better off divorced, with a support order in place, and using the social services that are available for just these situations.

[katydid1971]

Do you think she will be able to take care of this child long term and would you want to take responsibility for DGS if she can't? Will she be able to maintain a stable home for this child? Make sure it gets proper nutrition, gets to school on time when it older, to bed on time, etc? IMO I would be focusing on preparing to take over care of the child because it doesn't sound like something either of his parents are capable of long term. Hugs to you and DH. Good luck.

[alexsmommy]

Do not let her move in. If you do you will be in the position of "kicking out" her and her son when the stress gets to be too much. Chances are that she will have no place to go and she will blame you for making her homeless. You cannot help someone who is not ready to help themselves. It's painful. You cannot bail someone out of a bad situation if they do not recognize how they got themselves there. It sucks. You cannot "fix" mental illness in someone who does not want to recognize that they have a mental illness. It's sad.
You can do what Jeana suggested and point her in the direction of outside help. If/when when she demonstrates an understanding of what her situation is, what realistic goals are, and is ready to take feedback, then you can outline a plan, in writing, with clear parameters and steps to assist (not fix) her in a realistic goal to get herself on track to be able to provide her and her child.
If you do help out, give it to her in the form of the items she needs for her child - not cash. No diapers? Buy diapers. No food? Buy food. No receipts for her return the items. Make it clear this is the deal and that you will only help in emergencies. She cannot mentally check off food and diapers as not her/SO's responsibility unless you all agree to this.
It's so hard and so sad.
She sounds far away from understanding that you and your DH's hard work does not equate to HER easy lifestyle. You are making smart choices for you and your DC. It sounds like your DH attempted to the best of his ability to set DSD up to succeed but poor choices and mental illness have gotten in the way of her following a more positive path. It's NOT you or your DH's "fault", nor is it your/his responsiblity to pour money into a bad situation.
It's so difficult to not feel like a heartless, mean, uncaring person, but you will do no one any good trying to fix this unless she is ready to take responsibility for her mental illness, her limitations, her choices.
Thank goodness she is a good mother. That suggests that she is able to take a step back and make good choices. Hopefully she will build upon this. You have done so much to provide an adequate safety net, now it is on her to take advantage of this and get help.
I'm so sorry things are this bad.

[123LuckyMom]

Call me Susan We'll talk but point her toward WIC, section 8 and food stamps. Do NOT let her move in with you even for ONE DAY she won't leave. I know she is trying to be a good mother but in reality she can't and it's not your responsiblity to do it for her.

Yes! Make sure she's connected to as many services as possible. The prescriber who is working with her on meds will likely be able to help you connect DSD with the right people and agencies. It's likely that CPS (or whatever the children's protective agency is in your neck of the woods) may get involved. In this case, that would be a good thing. They will help connect your DSD to parenting classes and social services. She should probably switch from private care to a community mental health center where all her services can be connected.

[California]

At this moment, if her DS is being cared for, and her DH is still providing some financial support, how about taking a couple of months to focus on yourselves (you and your DH?) As PP suggested, find out if there is are NAMI support groups you can go to. Right now it sounds like you are both very stressed and already making her burdens your own- maybe not financially, but emotionally- at a huge cost to your own lives. If you can first take care of yourselves, then focus on your relationship with each other as a source of comfort and strength, and then mutually look into resources for DSD and come up with a plan you and your DH are comfortable with, you'll be in a much better place to handle the next crisis when it happens.

It's very easy for people who are bipolar to spread their emotions to those around them. I have a family member who is bipolar and have seen first hand how it helps everyone that the people closest to her (her kids) separated themselves enough to establish their own strong stable lives. Now when she has episodes it doesn't shake them and their relationship isn't irreparibly harmed. You are doing your DSD a favor if you first make sure you and your DH are alright.

[mommy111]

Susan, I very, very rarely would ever tell anyone to not help their family to the fullest extent possible. However, knowing what I do know about you and your family from these boards, and knowing how generous you have been, I would sit with DH, decide on an allowance that's doable for you in case the situation arises where she needs money, and stick by that if that situatin ever does arise. You can't jeapordize your kids' education and your retirement to subsidize summer vacation for your DSD

[dogmom]

She should not have to move in with you, and it really would not be good for her in the long run. She needs a supportive team of people with insight into her medical condition to help her out. Bipolar people can get the lives together, but they will have breaks and it takes lots and lots of support and determination. She needs to find a balance of medication and life that works for her and her child. Moving in with you just puts a roof over her head.

I think the best first approach would be to offer to help her do those things PP suggested (file for WIC, Food stamps etc.) It's a very easy first step and you can phrase it a way that doesn't challenge her, "It's so hard with a newborn, it would be easy for me to do some of these things for you."

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Thank you all for your insight. To clarify a little, the baby is being cared for well and aside from (my) hearing concern is doing fine. DSD is in the process of getting her meds right and
we are paying for that. The concern is that even when medicated correctly DSD does not become a planner or realistic thinker. That is just not her and never will be and this makes us very scared for her future. She kind of moves through life in little snippets of "this is all I can handle right now" and does no think at all beyond that. While that was not my business when there was not kid involved now I can not help myself trying to push her in some positive direction. Everyone in her life tempers what they say to her so much that is is a running joke. She pulls away for months (years) if you say something she does not want to hear. I did text her yesterday and ask her if she minded if I started to research what her options will be when DH flakes on his money commitment. (remember this is the same couple who took the money we gave them for a wedding,had no actual wedding and never mentioned it again). She actually welcomed that opening for which I was very glad. I am going to let DH read this thread so we can try to come up with a next step, thank you all for taking the time to help us.

[sste]

Sorry I am so late to this but wow, just wow, you have had an incredible amount to deal with. In your shoes, perhaps the first thing I would do if you haven't already is find a therapist, support group, or clergy that *you* and perhaps your dh can meet with once a week or twice a month or some such to get some support and to unload! My inlaws recently started seeing a therapist weekly to process some of their stress and grief about their adult daughter who has had some real life difficulties as well.

Are you in a position or do you want to take on some caregiving responsibilities for the baby? I understand you might not be or that might not be welcome by SD. But if it would work the baby having a day or even afternoon at your house would help you to keep tabs and maybe become more involved, if your SD is willing, in the baby's medical care. In my mind, without knowing a lot about the situation, staying on top of the baby's medical care and cognitive and other development is top priority. And fortunately you have a whole host of PTs, OTs, former teachers, moms of preemies, psychologists on this site to ask questions as they come up. It seems to me somewhat unlikely (though I am no neonatologist) that a 29 week male premature baby won't need some extra developmental supports on the way. I know your control is limited in this arena but I wonder if setting up regular time at your house might then pave the way to more involvement in this arena.

It is terribly, terribly hard because at the end of the day you have so little control and it is more painful when there is a child involved. That is why I think it is important to get some support for you -- from friends but also from a distanced third party that you can let loose on. You have been caregiving for a lot of people for a long time . . .