help me script talking about private parts to 4yo DS

[lmh2402]

need some quick help - don't have a ton of time right this moment to find and read a book - about how and why we don't touch other people's penis', and no one touches his, except care takers

came up last night when he suddenly decided he wanted to take a shower. he asked and H agreed immediately b/c we had tried to get him to shower for ease of process while on vacation, and DS freaked out screaming it was scary

so last night he asked to take a shower, if H would take one with him

H said yes - they got in took quick shower. when DS got out, i was toweling him off and he turned around and kissed H right on his penis and said, "that was so awesome and i love you and i love your penis."

H go very freaked out.

I told DS that he shouldn't be touching daddy's penis b/c it's private. which of course made him run around trying to grab it all the more, and H was hopping around the bathroom trying to get his underwear on getting more and more frantic that DS stop

sooo...now DS seems to think that this is a game.

DS asked me today why daddy's penis is private and it told him that every one has private parts on their body that no one should be touching except the people they know and trust to take care of them.

DS said, of course, "well, Daddy knows and trusts me, so I can touch his penis."

I'm now stumped. help me fix this mess we somehow have created.

how do i explain keeping his hands to himself - at home and at school. and explain that no one should be touching him.

thanks.

[Sweetum]

I would say not touching by anyone or anyone's. period. then qualify saying that you/DH/caretaker might touch him only to towel him off or wipe him off, and once he learns how to do it himself, they won't/should not be doing it. Maybe not let DS shower with anyone for a while till the message is reinforced? I'm sure others will chime in with better suggestions.

[niccig]

We told DS no touching, unless someone is helping him wiping after potty, or the Dr, or if he's hurt there. I've also said no touching means no touching with hands or lips. Now that DS is older, I've changed it to "no one needs to touch your penis, not even mummy or daddy, unless it's Dr. checking you or you are hurt" DS doesn't need help anymore with potty or washing his body.

I'm sure your DS was just giving his Dad a kiss and happens to be at that height. I wouldn't freak out over it too much.

[lmh2402]

I'm sure your DS was just giving his Dad a kiss and happens to be at that height. I wouldn't freak out over it too much.

yes, i'm pretty sure that's what happened too

except our reactions apparently bungled things and DS has a strong tendency to fixate on things

so i've been asked multiple times today about why daddy's penis is private

ugh!!

DS still requires a lot of assistance with many, many things - he's absolutely not at a place where he can take a shower, or even a bath, without someone else washing him.

he still cannot dress himself

but these are worries for a different thread perhaps

for now, i feel like we messed up and need to find the right words to address the issue we sort of created


ETA: i will add the language about only after potty, or during bath or at the doctor - thanks! but he is also asking "WHY is the penis private." thoughts? thank you

[StantonHyde]

Oh I can think of many stories where showering with daddy resulted in some humorous results! One kid I know wanted to "cheers winkies"--e.g. clink penises like you clink glasses. My god daughter was walking around the tub while her dad had soap in his hair and she gave it a good yank out of curiosity. So this isn't uncommon.

Yes, your responses made it seem like a game. But that doesn't mean you messed up. This isn't permanent.

You just say that penises are private--all penises. Daddy only lets the doctor touch his. When your son is ok with going to the potty, drying off, gettting dressed, etc you won't touch his either. Why are they private--they just are. Just like nobody likes getting poked in the eye, nobody wants to get poked on the penis. Everybody has a "bubble" around them. Some people have bigger bubbles than others. Our job is to respect the bubble. So no sticking fingers in people's ears or licking the inside of their noses, etc. Same thing :)

[wellyes]

Don't make it in a game of logic about why it's private. The why why whys can go on indefinitely. Say, if someone tells you to not touch them, you must respect that. We all own our own bodies. And private parts mean no one else is allowed to touch. It is very important that you understand you do not get to touch other people's private parts, and other people don't get to touch yours either.

Keep it simple because this phase of being at about crotch-level lasts a long time!

[TwinFoxes]

Don't make it in a game of logic about why it's private. The why why whys can go on indefinitely. Say, if someone tells you to not touch them, you must respect that. We all own our own bodies.

:yeahthat: It's not just a private part thing. Kids should know that if someone doesn't want to be touched/hugged/kissed etc they shouldn't do it. DDs are often on the receiving end of unwanted hugs from a little boy at school, it's not fun for them.

[mikala]

Don't make it in a game of logic about why it's private. The why why whys can go on indefinitely. Say, if someone tells you to not touch them, you must respect that. We all own our own bodies. And private parts mean no one else is allowed to touch. It is very important that you understand you do not get to touch other people's private parts, and other people don't get to touch yours either.

Keep it simple because this phase of being at about crotch-level lasts a long time!

Yeah that. I don't think there is really a better explanation, it just is private. I also like the focus on consent for any sort of touching. We have worked on that a lot lately as DS1 tests limits and gets in the baby's face. I'm working on always asking for consent to wipe his bum on the potty or soap him up in the bath.

Eta: one of my friends recommended this book but I haven't read it yet. http://www.amazon.com/Your-Belongs-Cornelia-Maude-Spelman/dp/0807594733/ref=pd_sim_b_7

[BunnyBee]

There are several good books--you could look at them on amazon and see what you think would work for your family.

We have told our kids that you do not touch anyone where a bathing suit covers. They have the right to say no to any touches (like tickles--when someone says stop you stop immediately). Only Mommy or Daddy can touch you and only to wipe poop. (We gave them the washcloth or scrubby to wash their own private areas under supervision from a very young age.) The doctor may need to touch private areas, but only when Mommy or Daddy is in the room. Our ped says this too during that part of the physical. If anyone else touches your private areas, say NO and come tell Mommy or Daddy immediately. (There's also the whole keeping secrets discussion... We say keeping a good secret is ok, like a birthday present or a surprise activity. Otherwise no one should ever ask you to keep a secret from Mommy or Daddy.)

I'd say Daddy's penis is part of Daddy's body AND it his private part. When anyone says NO to touching, you respect that. I would not even get into you touching Daddy's penis. Either ignore or deflect--we are not talking about that. Daddy says NO to you touching and you will respect his privacy. Ask questions to make sure he understands: who can touch your private areas? When is ok for Mommy or Daddy to touch your private areas? When can the doctor touch your private areas? What do you do if anyone else touches your private areas? Do you touch anyone's private areas? I would not keep discussing the issue ad nauseum. DS, we have covered this topic and it is not up for discussion.

My DH would be freaked out too. I think anyone would! Definitely NOT in the parenting manual! I'd probably say it's better to do solo showers though. If he wants to shower, the adult could stand outside, clothed, to pass soap and supervise. :)

[hillview]

sounds like a hot topic. I'd try to let it die out vs try to answer every question every second. I mean it IS private etc but sounds like it is now a game and so a pass the chips might be better (eg distract or walk away vs answer every last why). I'd also play up the he showered fact and get him to try it alone!!

[lmh2402]

thanks guys!

some great ideas and good language to try

DS is really, really not in a place where he can shower alone. physically, mentally, emotionally - just not there

so for now, it's just a special treat - he asked to do it again tonight and it went fine/no "issues"

but he will bathe 99% of the time, and hopefully none of this will come up in discussion at school!

thanks again.

[Green_Tea]

Can Dad or you shower with him in a bathing suit? My DH used to bathe with the girls in his swim trunks. They thought it was hilarious. :)

[wellyes]

thanks guys!

some great ideas and good language to try

DS is really, really not in a place where he can shower alone. physically, mentally, emotionally - just not there

so for now, it's just a special treat - he asked to do it again tonight and it went fine/no "issues"

but he will bathe 99% of the time, and hopefully none of this will come up in discussion at school!

thanks again.

Good that he simmered down with the questions and is able to just enjoy a shower again! I do think "bathes most of the time, sometimes showers with mom/dad" is how just about every family with kids that age does it, so, no worries.

[TwinFoxes]

Good that he simmered down with the questions and is able to just enjoy a shower again! I do think "bathes most of the time, sometimes showers with mom/dad" is how just about every family with kids that age does it, so, no worries.

:yeahthat: My DDs, who love swimming and have no fear of water, and even like rain, HATE the shower, and won't even go in it with me.

Good to know my DH isn't the only one who bathes with the girls in his swim trunks. I thought it was hilarious. Of course when they barge in on him while he's peeing and tell him they like his penis, I also think that's hilarious. Poor DH!

[123LuckyMom]

:yeahthat: It's not just a private part thing. Kids should know that if someone doesn't want to be touched/hugged/kissed etc they shouldn't do it. DDs are often on the receiving end of unwanted hugs from a little boy at school, it's not fun for them.

I agree with this. I'd stop talking about private parts and just focus on having respect for other people's wishes. If DS were continually poking you on your shoulder, for example, and you asked him to stop, he would have to stop. If he didn't, it would be disrespectful and not okay. DH asked him not to touch him on the penis. DS should have respected DH's wishes, full stop. It doesn't matter why DH didn't want him touching it. DS should have respected his wishes. Switch the conversation from one about bodies to one about respect and listening.

Meanwhile, urge your DH not to freak out. The kiss was normal and nothing to worry about. He shouldn't feel uncomfortable about showering with DS.