Is your child *paralyzed* by fears

[lmh2402]

Will likely do a more extensive post in SN if/when I have more time later today, but wanted to post to the gen pop here to get a sense of the spectrum of responses and where most/many kids seem to fall

DS is 4. his fears and phobias have definitely been impacting his quality of life for quite some time. most recently, he will no longer go to swim class. b/c he believes that someone spit water at him - this happened...if it happened at all, i'm really not sure - at least 8 weeks ago.

he has yet to go back to the pool

he also told me last week, in a fit of tears, that summer was coming and he wasn't going to be able to go outside anymore b/c of the bugs.

for anyone who might recall, i've posted about this for at least the last two summers - it's true. he will not go out - it's like pulling teeth and often not worth the screams. we pay for a community pool membership and literally, we went ONCE last summer and had to leave after 20 min b/c he was totally freaking out

so these are just two small examples off the top of my head. don't get me started on going into new places with new people, new classes, etc...

wondering where other children fit in on the continuum of fears impacting their ability/willingness to do things. we are getting closer and closer to the decision to move forward with exploring anti anxiety medications for him, but i am still holding onto this theory that all kids this age have lots of fears... right?

thx

[AngB]

most recently, he will no longer go to swim class. b/c he believes that someone spit water at him

he has yet to go back to the pool

he will not go out - it's like pulling teeth and often not worth the screams. we pay for a community pool membership and literally, we went ONCE last summer and had to leave after 20 min b/c he was totally freaking out



Don't have a 4 year old but have worked with them. This really does not sound typical to me. I think seeing a spider in the backyard, being afraid, and avoiding that part of the yard or even the backyard would be on the typical side, but to avoid all outdoors altogether because of bugs is extreme IMO for a 4 year old.

I would definitely try to get professional help of some kind, which I know you may already be doing.

[niccig]

No, it's not typical in my experience. I can see the freak out over a bug, but being fine later on to be outside. The pool incident, DS freaked out one time (he could swim but swallowed too much water, he was in the deep end and panicked), but we got him back in and talked about all the things to do if it happened again. I could see a traumatic experience affecting DS, but with support from us, he would try it again. Our pool episode, I took him back to same spot in pool. DS knows I'm a really strong swimmer and knew I wouldn't let anything happen to him.

I think some kids hold on to things longer than others though.

If it's impacting his daily life to such an extent, I would be seeing a professional for help.

[wellyes]

It's not typical, but it's not incredibly rare either, from what I've seen (including in my own daughter). Counselors can help. I took my daughter in this winter for similar freak-outs and she got some very good CBT-style counseling from a psychologist. We only went 5 times but it gave her some good -- as he put it --- "tools for her toolbox" to use when she gets irrational and anxious. Plus, we started a relationship with a counselor I liked, so I have a place to turn if things go downhill during a transition or hard time.

[edurnemk]

Agree with both pp, not typical fears and reactions for a 4 yo. DS does have fears, sure, but they don't impact his life like that and 95% of the time he's fine.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Agree with both pp, not typical fears and reactions for a 4 yo. DS does have fears, sure, but they don't impact his life like that and 95% of the time he's fine.

:yeahthat:

my ds is 3yo and does have many fears, in addition to OCD-like behavior. When we first started swim classes last summer, he was terrified in the beginning and cried a ton. It got a lot better, but then he'd get water up his nose or something and then that would result in him crying through his lessons for the next week or so. Though we kept with it and he was able to complete ISR-type program and now he's doing great (even though he is often still a bit scared of swim lessons). He does have a ton of fears (bugs, loud sounds, pooping on the potty) but his fears don't totally paralyze him, at least for now. I remember in the beginning i kept asking our swim instructor about his crying (and DD's as well) and she said it was fairly normal..most kids cried during their first few weeks of lessons. Anyway, I do keep an eye on it since anxiety runs pretty strong in my family.

[amatahrain]

Awww sorry to hear your little guy is struggling. No real btdt but it doesn't sound normal.

The only thing my dd flips about is the tub drain. She usually takes a bath with my niece and she flips her lid when the water starts draining. She's concerned first for herself then once she's out she cries hysterically and yells for my niece to get out now! My niece could care less about the drain and prefers to stay in until all the water is gone.

[chozen]

Don't have a 4 year old but have worked with them. This really does not sound typical to me. I think seeing a spider in the backyard, being afraid, and avoiding that part of the yard or even the backyard would be on the typical side, but to avoid all outdoors altogether because of bugs is extreme IMO for a 4 year old.

I would definitely try to get professional help of some kind, which I know you may already be doing.

:yeahthat: I agree, our 5 yr. old dd may be afraid of something but its usually momentary. It seems the same with 4 yr. old grandson. However he is still afraid of thunderstorms which is the only ongoing thing he has been afraid of.

[StantonHyde]

I think some kids have one or 2 fears--eg. DD was really afraid of wind and rain storms. Fortunately, we live in a desert. ;)

But to avoid going outside AT ALL is pushing it to the extreme. I really think you might see some big improvement if you got the right meds for your son. It is worth a shot. (and therapy too)

[hillview]

not typical and I'd get to a therapist. DS1 has had some issues with BIG feelings and he's been to a therapist. It helped him and he went about 7 times and then seemed able to sort things better. He also ASKED to go back once (which he did) to sort something else out (which IMO was good).

HUGS that sounds very hard.

[jse107]

I agree with the PPs--time for a therapist. DS has been seeing a therapist since last August, and it has helped tremendously.

[sste]

LMH, has he been evaluated for OCD? My sister has this (mild version) and some of the things you describe ring some bells.

It is really positive that you are catching it so early. I have noticed with my DS the cognitive behavioral techniques I have done at home with him REALLY caught on. It is like he can't remember a time when he didn't employ those techniques and he even reminds me sometimes to use them when I am being negative! I do think when you start when kids are younger the cognitive stuff very easily becomes a way of life. Meds may be needed though to put your DS in a place where he can use these techniques.

[gatorsmom]

If it is affecting his enjoyment of life, i'd definitely look into the meds.

My Greenbean has always sounded similar to your son but in this case no. Greenbean will get upset when he sees a bug on the wall but he won't avoid going outdoors because of it. He was afraid of being splashed but I could bribe him to get back in the water (though with a private instructor).

I have often said if Greenbean got even slightly worse I'd talk to his therapist about meds. There is absolutely no shame in it.

[mytwosons]

As someone who has been treated for anxiety and OCD, I want to remind you that starting meds doesn't mean a long term commitment. Often, people need the drugs to get them to a place where the therapy is more effective and then you can taper off.

[lmh2402]

he was already "diagnosed" with anxiety and OCD. H and I see a psychologist each week to try and talk through daily/weekly issues and parenting strategies

the psychologist has been talking about us considering meds for some time...but he's only four. he JUST turned four. i am so scared to medicate him at such a young age. there are simply no studies. and he's so young that it makes impact of meds - positive and/or negative - difficult to directly attribute b/c he is too little to articulate feelings, and or to rule in or out whether something is attributable to meds, or just to age, kwim?

ugh. thanks.

[Philly Mom]

OP, I thought you once mentioned that he was different at school than at home with you. Does he have these fears at school? Does he go outside at school?

[hillview]

HUGS that is tough. I am so sorry. I might consider meds for a short period of time (2 months -- random timeline but seems short but long enough to chart behacior changes) to see how they work and if they can get him over the hump. Especially if he won't go outside in the warm weather due to bug concerns. As a lead up to meds I might keep a diary or record of his issues (we do this with DS2) now and then record if he goes on meds to "measure" any difference. HUGS so sorry.

[daisymommy]

No, unfortunately that's beyond the scope of typical. But hopefully the therapist that he sees can make some head way with this. I would be scared of medicating at age 4 too, but would talk to the therapist and get their opinion. If his daily life on a regular basis is shutting down, and he is becoming increasingly miserable, I would see medication if therapy alone is not enough. My DS started as soon as he turned 5. Which is young. But honestly, it was the best thing I could have ever done for him.


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[westwoodmom04]

I definitely can understand your concerns about medication. However, it sounds like his fears are really limiting what he is willing to do. Not wanting to do swimming lessons is not uncommon; not wanting to go to the pool or go outdoors is concerning; those are things that should make him happy. Given that it affects your whole family's daily routine, I would consider the medication, particularly since your doctor recommends it. Maybe get a second doctor's opinion if you are really nervous about it.

[lmh2402]

thanks for the feedback - i think I knew i was going to hear that it wasn't totally typical. but was hoping maybe it sort of was.

yes, he is different at school. the teachers do report anxious behaviors, but not to the same extent.

i've repeatedly discussed with the psychologist why there is a different manifestation at school and he has said repeatedly that this is not uncommon - kids work REALLY hard to keep it together at school, and then just sort of let it all out at home

also, school has not really run that much in super warm weather/dealing with mosquitoes. the mosquitoes are his primary concern - he literally has near panic attacks at times when he's been outside and gotten a bite.

i'm so sad for him. life should not be this stressful at four. if it's this hard now, god only knows how he will cope with school stresses and social stresses, and grown up stresses. i really, really am afraid.

anyway, thanks.

ETA: can i just say, living in the northeast and this supposedly being the year of the cicada, that as soon as they reported that on the news my heart totally fell. and our au pair the next day said, "OMG, did you hear the cicadas are coming this summer? that means (DS) is really, really never going to go out, right?" :(

[flashy09]

Could you do some sort of desensitizing therapy with him? Something like this?
http://www.anxietycare.org.uk/docs/insect.asp

Good luck. He sounds so scared and sweet and you are right, life shouldn't be that hard at 4!

[crl]

I agree that what you describe is outside the range of typical. My ds is an anxious kid and had some random fears that interfered with some activities, but never as bad as what you are describing.

Have you tried CBT for him? If not, I might give that a try first. But I would be very seriously considering meds, even as young as he is. I would be worried that the longer his anxiety goes unchecked, the more entrenched it will become.

:hug:

Catherine

[niccig]

I would be worried that the longer his anxiety goes unchecked, the more entrenched it will become.


:yeahthat: and I also worry that with increasing stresses of school, things will spiral even more. Maybe look at the meds and therapy approaches as being proactive so that he has strategies in place to deal with the increased stress he'll be under when he's in K. :hug: to you and your DS.

[Momit]

I have a 4-year-old and while he has actually had some fears around both of the things you mentioned, OP, the extent is much less drastic than what you describe. For example - I took DS to a swimming lesson over the winter, knowing he was under the weather but not realizing that he was pretty sick. Anyway he had a fever and got very chilled in the pool. We missed the next couple of lessons because he was sick and it was hard to get him to go back after that. He was worried he would get cold and the water was freezing. But he did it and was fine. Same with bugs. My DH hates bugs in the house and kind of overreacted one time that a wasp got in. DS would holler every time the back door open "close it! Bugs will get in!" But again we were able to work with him to see that it's not a big deal, lots of bugs are good bugs, we can get the bug back outside or, um, take care of it another way, etc. So long story short the fears he has are pretty easily addressed and he's able to move on.

Sounds like PPs with kids who are similar to your DS have had some good suggestions so I will just add one more :hug: