WWYD - When DC doesn't want to go to school because she is 'sick'

[magnoliaparadise]

What do you do when this happens?

Sometimes my oldest daughter (5 yo) doesn't want to to go birthday parties - I just shrug and say 'ok, get dressed and we'll drop off the present and then we can turn around and go home'. This seems to work. We have never once gotten to a birthday party only to turn around - my daughter is happy once arriving.

So now SCHOOL:
Do you make your kids go to school if they say that they are sick, but you don't think they are?

My daughter normally loves school and can't wait to go. She got strep on Friday and has been taking antibiotics (is no longer contagious after 24 hours). I kept her out Monday when she still seemed weak and tired. But now it is Tuesday and today she begged not to go to school - got dramatic and started to cry, saying it was HER body and SHE felt sick, notwithstanding the fact that she has no temperature.

Honestly, I think she is FINE. I can tell because every time I ask about a symptom, she can't come up with any, but if I then say 'do you have a headache? sore throat? stomach ache?' etc she says 'yes, yes!'
I suspect that she wants to stay home today because I allow her practically unlimited TV when she is sick and also because the whole class and teachers call her the second day she is home (today) and maybe because she just wants snuggle time home with me.

I let her stay home today because I want her to trust how she feels and if she says that she is sick, I want to trust that. But I am kicking myself because I need the time to do some work and I am going on day 4 with the two kids (youngest is 1.5 yo) and not able to get anything done (which would be fine if I felt she really was sick).

I'd love your views - should I be more tough and just make her go to school next time this happens? or accept (and relish) that this is what it is like to have young kids and just make peace with letting the day go? What have you done? Thanks.

[twowhat?]

I have. DD2 is like this and will try anything to get out of going to school. She's only 4!!! Which shocked me at first that it starts THIS EARLY!

Anyway, it's a mental game but I just try to stay one step ahead of her (assuming I'm pretty confident she's fibbing) and I think the key is to not let her see that you have any doubts about sending her to school.

Examples:

"I'm sick" - Well, you don't have a fever. Get your clothes on. You're going to school.

"My tummy hurts" - No wonder! you haven't eaten breakfast yet! Get your clothes on. Get ready for school.

"My throat hurts" - Let me look. It's not red at all. You'll feel better after breakfast. You can have orange juice this morning. Get your clothes on and get ready for school.

"I don't feel good" - You feel good enough to whine and throw a fit. Get your clothes on. It's time to get ready for school.

And so on. Sigh. It's hard!

eta: and for the times that I have actually taken her to the doctor for a recent illness and the doctor says she can return to school in XX amount of time, then I will just say "Dr X says you are healthy now. Get ready for school."

[infocrazy]

If you are sick, you are in bed with no tv. You can read, but I will be downstairs so that you can nap. No toys.

Of course, DS1 has established that I am the meanest mom EVER, but if you are sick, you stay in bed. Personally, I think if they are willing to abide by that rule, then they are sick. My kids end up sleeping during the day and they are NOT nappers--so they obviously needed it.

The only time I give on that is when they are just waiting out the 24 hrs on a fever/etc...and are obviously fine.

[egoldber]

Do you make your kids go to school if they say that they are sick, but you don't think they are?

I tell my kids they have to go, but if they don't feel well at school then go to the nurse/clinic. Usually they get to school and then they feel fine.

[PunkyBoo]

I usually say if you're too sick for school, you need to go to the Dr. No visible signs of being sick, no fever = going to school. I also tell them if they don't feel well once at school they can ask to go to the nurse who will call me to take them to the doctor. I sometimes throw in "maybe the doctor will need to give you a shot to feel better..." and that usually gets them out the door.

[mytwosons]

I tell them no tv if they stay home sick. I've also told them to go and if they still feel sick I'll pick them up.

When they are truly sick at home, I do let them veg out/sleep in front of the tv.

[crl]

When I think ds is faking, I pull the no tv, all day in bed card. Also the you have to go to the doctor card as ds hates that.

Catherine

[hillview]

I make them go.

[missym]

I'm also part of the Mean Mommy Club. Unless they're throwing up or running a fever, they go to school. If I think it's borderline, I tell them in bed, no TV or video games. That usually causes a miraculous recovery!

[Jen841]

I am told I am the meanest Mom EVER b/c I too don't allow anything 'fun' if they are home sick. In 5 years of school my son has missed 2 days for illness - and they were legit. He has missed a number of other days for surgical recovery - that is another issue.

My kids don't want to miss school. They are social and their teachers make things so much fun they go. If needed, they will go to the nurse.

If they come with an aliment I ask -
"Should I call and ambulance?"
"Do I need to make a Dr appt?"
"Do you need to rest?"
"Do you need headache medicine?"
And them we take appropriate action

One got on a 'fever' kick and was always fearful he had a fever (something must have been said at school) so we were taking his temp. a lot - too much. I told him it was going to continue and he did not trust the thermometer I was getting a rectal one. I explained what it was and was never asked again to take his temp!

[candybomiller]

Mean Mommy Club president here!

I generally just trust my instincts. But if it's borderline, I tell him to go to school and if he needs to, he can go see the nurse.

[Piglet]

I am a proponent of kids (and adults) staying home when even mildly sick so as not to spread their germs. I also want my kids to know that they can be the ones to dictate when they are unwell and when they are well, since a fever isn't the only symptom that matters. I do find that even after a day of feeling well but staying home and watching TV that eventually they start to miss their friends and teachers and they will go to school. I do make then go have a nap at some point in the afternoon as a bit of a reminder that the reason they are home is that they are unwell and that our bodies need to rest to get better.

If it were chronic, I would start looking at other causes (social, etc.), but for a one time thing, no harm no foul.

[lil_acorn]

If you think she is faking, then I'd say no electronics and lots of fluid and rest. She'll be so bored, she'll be begging to go back tomorrow!

[twowhat?]

IOne got on a 'fever' kick and was always fearful he had a fever (something must have been said at school) so we were taking his temp. a lot - too much. I told him it was going to continue and he did not trust the thermometer I was getting a rectal one. I explained what it was and was never asked again to take his temp!

:hysterical: Tucking this away for future use!!!

[Indianamom2]

I'm also part of the Mean Mommy Club. Unless they're throwing up or running a fever, they go to school. If I think it's borderline, I tell them in bed, no TV or video games. That usually causes a miraculous recovery!

:yeahthat: Of course, pretty much every single day, DD (second grade) doesn't want to go to school because something hurts or doesn't feel good. It makes it very hard to know when she really is sick. But I have learned not to give in, even when there are LOTS of tears. Heck, I've made her go after she's dry-heaved in the car....she used to make herself sick in Kindergarten. It was NOT fun, but giving in isn't the right answer.

[queenmama]

I tell them no tv if they stay home sick. I've also told them to go and if they still feel sick I'll pick them up.

When they are truly sick at home, I do let them veg out/sleep in front of the tv.

This is exactly how we do it!

Lara

[bisous]

If I truly feel like one of my DCs is sick or doesn't feel well, I'll keep them home and do whatever I can to help them feel better.

If I suspect that they are fine, I'll make them go but let them know they can call me (they never do). If they insist that they are sick, I keep them down and make them stay down (no playing, no TV, etc.) That usually teases out the truly sick from the "faking it" really fast!

[Kindra178]

I love this post. DH's mom let him stay home if had the sniffles. My mom worked (but we lived with my very capable and active grandparents) and I always had to goto school. I have several grown up friends with SAH moms who also made them go to school. I think it's a good way to teach resilience.

I am definitely going to try these tips. I often cave with DS1 versus the twins.

[vonfirmath]

I'd love your views - should I be more tough and just make her go to school next time this happens? or accept (and relish) that this is what it is like to have young kids and just make peace with letting the day go? What have you done? Thanks.

In our school the third day out in a row necessitates a doctor's note to return to school. So Friday-Monday-Tuesday -- on Tuesday if still sick you would need to go to the doctor to get her checked out.

*wry* I've got the opposite problem. My son will do anything to NOT let me know he's feeling bad so he can go to school. So the only times he's been out is when we can prove he's sick (and then he's tried to argue his way into it "I know I threw up all night, but I feel FINE now! It must have been supper!)"

[hellokitty]

I make them go.

:yeahthat: I've only had one time where I did have to go and pick DS1 up, due to not feeling great, after complaining in the morning that he didn't feel well, but not having any symptoms. Otherwise, I am lucky that my kids don't pull this trick. Maybe they know that I have low tolerance for BS.

[lizzywednesday]

...

If it were chronic, I would start looking at other causes (social, etc.), but for a one time thing, no harm no foul.

:yeahthat:

I was a chronic "I'm sick" kid in grammar school because of social issues and, sometimes, missing homework assignments. My parents didn't know how to address it with the school, not that they'd have done anything about it, and I think that made some of it worse, though they did know enough to take me to talk therapy when it got really bad.

[gatorsmom]

I make them go.

:yeahthat: No fever = going to school.

[StantonHyde]

As my dad used to say, "Do you have leukemia? No? Then go to school." I make my kids go. Obviously, if they are really sick, they stay home. I knew DS was REALLY sick this year when he stayed home and fell asleep twice while watching TV. I kept him home an extra day!

Now--if there was something chronic, then I would look into it. I have a friend whose daughter has anxiety issues so she worked out a plan to handle that. In my case, I was in second grade and we had this HORRID long term substitute. I was sick at the thought of having to be in a classroom with this woman. And I wasn't the only kid! I wish my parents had talked to me about it instead of berating me. Would have been much more productive.

[Jacksmommy2b]

Ds is only 6 so we haven't been there too often, but I do the 'do you think your tummy hurts because you haven't eaten/used the bathroom'? Followed by 'If you feel ill at school, go see the nurse and she will call me.' He has never gone to the nurse.

Of course I keep him home if I believe he is really ill, or if he were to insist I would probably let him stay.

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[magnoliaparadise]

Hi Everyone,

OP here - thank you so much for all your great views. This was really helpful. At the point I wrote the post starting the thread, I had already decided on keeping my daughter back from school, but see that I would handle things differently next time around. Funny enough, this one caught me totally off guard and I feel like a newbie parent in handling my kid not wanting to go to school! (Btw, my kid is in pre-K. I would probably have been more tougher if this were kindy or beyond).

It turned out to be a reallllly boring day for my kid and we were both crabby (she because of boredom, me because I needed to get a ton of work done and I felt she was needing me and wanting me to play with her, but not sick). I think after reading your responses, one key for me is that the next time I keep her home, I will be clear that she is either truly sick or honest enough to say that she is just exhausted and wants to snuggle and have a mental health day (which I would be ok with if it were rare and she were honest about it). And if I have to do some work, I will be MUCH more honest with her up front and tell her that she will have to entertain herself all day and that I will be a blob in front of the computer and nothing more for 8 hours... that might make a difference as far as each of our expectations.

I do think that this policy that the school calls a child after two days of being sick and all the kids yell into the phone did act as an incentive for my daughter to want to stay home. She was THRILLED when we got the call on that second day home and I heard all of her classmates yelling 'we love you and miss you'. Who wouldn't want that? I see why the teachers do it, but now don't think it is a good policy!

Anyway, I didn't win any mommy awards on that day and was annoyed that I didn't either make her go to school or accept my situation and snuggle with her all day. What I ended up doing basically was to keep her home, but feel annoyed, which is a recipe for disaster for both of us, waaaaa. Live and learn and I'll be on top of it when it happens next time. She went back to school the next day and even THEN we were unable to get to school until 10:30 because she slept in and I didn't want to wake her and when she woke up, I decided to have a rush-free, stress-free, kind morning to ourselves given the crabby day before... but once at school, ohhh, she was so happy.

Thank you all!

[MontrealMum]

I'm also part of the Mean Mommy Club. Unless they're throwing up or running a fever, they go to school. If I think it's borderline, I tell them in bed, no TV or video games. That usually causes a miraculous recovery!

:yeahthat:

We are only just starting to deal with the "I'm too sick to go to school" ploy here, but I feel that it's important to be firm. In DS's case I know that he thinks that if he stays home he'll get a "fun" day with mommy. I WOH part time and I leave after they do so he doesn't quite *get* what goes on here once he leaves. He sort of thinks - well, since this is how ped and vacation days go, I do try to make those special or fun - that he'll get a fun vacation day with mommy if he stays home. Not so.

If DS is visibly sick, and meets the school's criteria for keeping him home, of course I will do that. But if it's just him *wanting* to stay home....sorry, no can do. I do question him about his motive, but there's only so much I can do. I only get 5 sick days a year and DH gets 0. Anything above that and I'm home w/o pay and perhaps jeopardizing my job. Our local backup (DH's parents) are in their 80's. Obviously, we don't use them a ton. Thus, we reserve sick days for honest to goodness sickness. I know it sounds harsh, but that's the way the world works. Luckily, he's a pretty healthy little guys but he might as well get used to it early on.

[Pyrodjm]

If you are sick, you are in bed with no tv. You can read, but I will be downstairs so that you can nap. No toys.

Of course, DS1 has established that I am the meanest mom EVER, but if you are sick, you stay in bed. Personally, I think if they are willing to abide by that rule, then they are sick. My kids end up sleeping during the day and they are NOT nappers--so they obviously needed it.

The only time I give on that is when they are just waiting out the 24 hrs on a fever/etc...and are obviously fine.

:yeahthat:
Usually reminding DD1 of the quiet and restful day she will have while home sick from school makes her forget about the feigned aliment. No way am I starting this foolishness in PreK. When she is truly too sick for school she's so listless that she naps often anyway and doesn't care about no TV.

[emily_gracesmama]

My 5 yo will try to get out of school occasionally just because she doesn't want to go. I am the same no fever, no vomiting or coughing up a lung then she is going. She can be manipulative. She's conned the nurse into sending her home a few times. She then literally skips to my car and expects to be able to go home and play. I stick her in her bed and now that she realizes she's not going to come home and party she's stopped the nurse visits to come home. If they are truly sick I have no issue with them resting on sofa with the tv. 7 yo is home after vomiting several times last night and I know she feels bad so she is resting in the sofa and we are watching my little pony.