Small update in post 15- How do I handle this?

[gatorsmom]

Greenbean has a best friend at school, Joe. They get along so well, and they say they love each other. I'm thrilled because I've never seen Greenbean so calm and at ease. I've posted here before about his Sensory Processing Disorder and I suspect he has some anxiety issues too. But he doesn't get frustrated or tantrum around Joe. And Joe and his family are new in town sonce last fall so Joe has loved coming over and hanging out with Greenbean. I'm enjoying the mom too- she's very nice and we've been getting together at least once a week.

Well, over the last 2 months Greenbean has been asking to have a play date with 2 other boys in his class. He says they all get along really well and he really likes Sam and Tim too. I talk to the moms of Sam and Tim while waiting for class pick up and I'd really like to get to know them too. In an effort to keep the play date from getting too noisy for Greenbean to handle, I planned to have a small play date at our house. So, one morning before anyone else arrived at pick up, I invited Sam and Tim and their moms over for lunch and a play date this Friday. We finished up talking about it before any of the other moms arrived. And I haven't told Greenbean about it t all.

The problem is, I was hoping to keep the play date down to the 2boys I invited. Too many kids and Greenbean can't handle it. But I got a text a few days ago from Joe's mom asking if I was having a play date at our house this Friday. Joe's mom knows about Greenbean's SPD limitations. We've discussed them before. We just had a play date with just Joe last week. I thought this week I'd have just Sam and Tim and their moms.

I was surprised Joe's mom even knew I was planning a play date. i was careful to invite the other two moms when no one else was around. So I sent a text back asking joe's mom if we had talked about a play date this week. She texted back and said Sam's mom told her about it. I haven't responded yet.

So, how do I tell her she and Joe really can't come because the noise would be difficult for Greenbean? Should I just invite her and Joe on Thursday and invite Tim and Sam and their moms Friday like we planned? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

[georgiegirl]

I would just be honest and set up a solo play date with Joe and emphasize how much Greenbean LOVES playing with Joe.

[123LuckyMom]

I would be completely honest and say that the last thing you would ever want to do is hurt Joe's feelings or squash their budding friendship in any way, but you are worried that more than two other children might be hard for Greenbean to handle with his SPD. Ask if you can schedule a play date with Joe alone or with Joe and either Sam or Tim on a not-too-distant date. Hope that the mom is mature enough to understand.

[minnie-zb]

I think you've already received excellent advice, but I just wanted to say, Wow! That's pretty brazen!

[jenmcadams]

I think you've already received excellent advice, but I just wanted to say, Wow! That's pretty brazen!

My thoughts exactly - I'd like to say I could shrug that off, but it would probably color my impression of the mom.

[Momit]

What is it with all these moms being the Playdate Police and calling when their kids are excluded?! I mean, really! Plus it seems tacky to tell someone else about a playdate or party unless you are 100% sure they are invited.

I guess I would call Joe's mom and say you are sorry he feels excluded, it's just that you are trying to build up gradually to a playdate with multiple kids but you'd love to get together another day. Then hopefully next time have all the kids together.

These moms need to zip their lips and stop stirring up drama!

[gatorsmom]

My thoughts exactly - I'd like to say I could shrug that off, but it would probably color my impression of the mom.

Well , it has a little bit. I overheard Joe's mom talking about getting together at Sam's house last weekend. I was thinking how nice it was that all the moms of Preschoolers at our school get along well and are so nice ( but was a little annoyed that they talked about their get-together in front of me and other moms who weren't invited). She never shared that they were getting together and I wouldn't expect her to. So it was really a surprise that Joe's mom texted me about my get together when I had never mentioned it.

[BunnyBee]

"This Friday doesn't work for Greenbean to get together with Joe. How about next Wednesday? At your house?"

And WTH?!?!

[brittone2]

I don't get it. It just seems like incredibly bad manners to me to try to call someone out for not inviting your child. Even if someone is like, oh, I wonder why my kid wasn't invited, I can't imagine deciding to actually pick up the phone or text someone and directly ask if they were having a playdate without my kid. :dizzy:

[bisous]

First, I'd probably just invite the kid to come because I'm a wimp like that. If you truly feel like it would not be in your son's best interest though, I do feel like the right thing to do is decline.

Just me personally, I'd probably pick the route of explaining my reasons, "Greenbean would LOVE to play with your son but he's got a playdate with some other kids that day and I really don't want to overwhelm him. But let's look at next week's schedule and set something up!" I probably err on the side of providing too much information but I feel like, in this case particularly, since your motives are so pure, more information will help the other mom feel better and keep things open and honest.

[AnnieW625]

I don't get it. It just seems like incredibly bad manners to me to try to call someone out to invite your child. Even if someone is like, oh, I wonder why my kid wasn't invited, I can't imagine deciding to pick up the phone or text someone and directly ask if they were having a playdate without my kid. :dizzy:
:yeahthat:

I would call Joe's mom and explain the situation to her. Hopefully she will understand. Kids and parents need to know how to take turns;). Good luck!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree that Joe's mom's manners need some work. (I only skimmed the toy WWYD thread but it sounds like Joe asks for toys too? family trait to ask for stuff!) But, I would give all of them a try. Ds may surprise you. I

[o_mom]

So it was really a surprise that Joe's mom texted me about my get together when I had never mentioned it.

I wonder if Sam's mom misunderstood or somehow gave Joe's mom the impression that it was a kind of open playdate. I know when my kids were PS age, we had an open invitation playdate every month for mom's in our group.

I would just be honest and say that GB needs to keep it small and that you would love to have Joe next week.

[cilantromapuche]

I hate this. DD brings home stuff belonging to other kids a lot. I always make her take it back. I started in pre-school and it went both ways but it bugs me. Sorry, you have to go through it. DD once brought home a pair of Vera Bradley glasses that belonged to a friend. The mom thought it no big deal that her daughter "gave" them to my dd. Now I check her backpack for anything of value. It does make me nervous having friends over because I worry if she will give her AG stuff away.
I agree with PP that the other mother is crazy. I would say something because I told DD she wasn't allowed to have friends over if she is giving stuff away or taking stuff.

[gatorsmom]

:yeahthat:

I would call Joe's mom and explain the situation to her. Hopefully she will understand. Kids and parents need to know how to take turns;). Good luck!


I wonder if Sam's mom misunderstood or somehow gave Joe's mom the impression that it was a kind of open playdate. I know when my kids were PS age, we had an open invitation playdate every month for mom's in our group.

I would just be honest and say that GB needs to keep it small and that you would love to have Joe next week.

I agree Joe's mom's manners could use a little work. But as a bit of an update, I did text and said I was keeping the play date with just the 2 boys so as not to overwhelm Greenbean. She texted back and said she "was wondering about that" and it was totally fine to have a play date a different day.

So I'm not sure what Sam's mom said but I suspect she thought it was an open play date and told Joe's mom that a bunch of kids were invited to my house. I'm sure she was wondering why I would do that with Greenbean's SPD.

Now I need to clarify with Sam's mom that this is not an open play date so she doesn't invite anyone else. :dizzy:

[AnnieW625]

Okay, that makes sense and since I read in your other post you seem to know Joe well it probably was just an oversight on her part. I would make sure Sam's mom knows the same thing. Good luck!