Another how would you handle this? Kids begging for toys...

[gatorsmom]

So in my other thread I shared how Greenbean loves his friend Joe. He says he is his best friend and loves him so much. I really like Joe and his mom. But for the last 3 times Joe comes to our house, he comes up to me and says, "Mrs. Smith, Greenbean has a gold Lego Ninja. He says I can have it. Can I have it?"

I tell Joe no, each time because some of these Legos belong to my older 2 boys who are often not around when Joe visits. But Greenbean will give Joe anything he wants. Greenbean gave Joe a rare Green Ninja that Greenbean had been asking for for WEEKS. When I asked Greenbean why he'd give away his favorite toy he said, "because Joe wanted it and I love him."

So last visit, I told Joe and Greenbean that Greenbean couldn't give away any more Legos. If Joe wants those Legos, he'll have to ask his mom for them. It really puts me in a difficult position because sometimes he asks in front of his mom. And she never says anything. He stands there begging me and I feel bad saying no over and over in front of him. I don't want to reprimand him in front of his mom so I say a firm but nice no and then try to change the subject. When I tried that last week, Greenbean said Joe just took it anyway.

Ugh! I really like this mom. Should I say something to her? If so how? I've already potentially irked her for not inviting her to the play date she heard about (see my other thread).

[goldenpig]

How about you say that Joe can borrow the toy and return it later or the next time he comes? We've done that with toys at the end of playdates that the kid will just not relinquish and is starting to melt down because the parent is trying to pry it out of their hands. You could talk to the mom and ask her to return the Lego after a few days. Of course I understand if it's a valuable toy I wouldn't want to do this, but the sharing/borrowing toys works well for my kids (we've also borrowed toys from their friends).

[sarahsthreads]

Wait, so Joe is begging you for a toy while his mom stands there and says nothing?

Erm.

That seems kind of weird to me. I know you said you like this mom, but between that and her texting you about a playdate you set up privately with other kids, I think I'd be a little wary. :shrug:

In our playgroup when DD1 and her friends were younger (like, 2), we all did sometimes let other kids borrow a toy when it was time to go if it seemed like it might avert a meltdown and it wasn't something that would be missed for a few days, but it was always offered by the hosting mom and the other kid's mom was always absolutely clear with their own child that it was just a temporary thing.

Sarah :)

[Momit]

Hmmm...between this and your other thread I'm starting to wonder if this family is a little strange. I can't imagine standing there not saying anything while my kid tries to take a toy. Even if the other child offers it most parents of kids that age would know enough to politely refuse.

At this point I would worry that the kid will start pocketing stuff during playdates!

[gatorsmom]

How about you say that Joe can borrow the toy and return it later or the next time he comes? We've done that with toys at the end of playdates that the kid will just not relinquish and is starting to melt down because the parent is trying to pry it out of their hands. You could talk to the mom and ask her to return the Lego after a few days. Of course I understand if it's a valuable toy I wouldn't want to do this, but the sharing/borrowing toys works well for my kids (we've also borrowed toys from their friends).

The thing is, he wants Legos sometime that belong to my older boys who are not home. They save their money to buy them. I can't give away their toys. And honestly I don't know whose Legos belong to who at this point, we have so many. But all my kids do.

And frankly, it is starting to get to be a habit with Joe. I think he knows he can get a new Lego and so he is starting to ask every time he his here. I don't think it's appropriate for me to discipline him. If it were my child, I would step into the situation and tell them that the mother said no and if he doesn't stop begging, he won't get to come back. But his mother doesn't say anything.

Is it appropriate for me to say, "Jean (Joe's mom), can you explain to him that he can't have this toy?"

[gatorsmom]

Wait, so Joe is begging you for a toy while his mom stands there and says nothing?

Erm.

That seems kind of weird to me. I know you said you like this mom, but between that and her texting you about a playdate you set up privately with other kids, I think I'd be a little wary. :shrug:

In our playgroup when DD1 and her friends were younger (like, 2), we all did sometimes let other kids borrow a toy when it was time to go if it seemed like it might avert a meltdown and it wasn't something that would be missed for a few days, but it was always offered by the hosting mom and the other kid's mom was always absolutely clear with their own child that it was just a temporary thing.

Sarah :)

But I don't know anyone who is perfect, you know? Everyone is a little weird in some way. So far these are my only 2 strange interactions. I don't think they are that bad. :)

[crl]

Well, I'm a little mean I guess. I think I would say, "I am sorry you may not take that toy. Maybe your mom will buy you one. You need to ask her ." And, yes, I mean I would say that in front of her.

Catherine

[egoldber]

I think I would say, "I am sorry you may not take that toy. Maybe your mom will buy you one. You need to ask her ." And, yes, I mean I would say that in front of her.

:yeahthat:

And honestly, I wouldn't allow them to play with the older boys' toys.

I have a strict "no playing with your sister's toys" when she isn't home, even for my younger DD by herself.

I have also had bad experiences with the "loaning" a toy to a friend. They tend not to make their way back home IME and my kids have been pretty upset.

[sarahsthreads]

But I don't know anyone who is perfect, you know? Everyone is a little weird in some way. So far these are my only 2 strange interactions. I don't think they are that bad. :)

No, I don't know anyone who's perfect, most especially not even me. :)

It's just that you posted these two strange interactions one right after the other, so to me your friend sounds extra strange! Obviously I don't have the whole picture.

I think I would probably just explicitly tell him he can't have that toy and he needs to ask his mom if she'll buy one for him right in front of his mom, as a PP said.

Sarah :)

[AngB]

Well, I'm a little mean I guess. I think I would say, "I am sorry you may not take that toy. Maybe your mom will buy you one. You need to ask her ." And, yes, I mean I would say that in front of her.

Catherine

Not just :yeahthat: but heck yes.

Or if after the first time you say no he continues begging, I would say, "Sorry, we both really like you, but if you continue to ask for our toys every time you come over, I'm afraid we won't be able to have you over anymore."

[gatorsmom]

:yeahthat:

And honestly, I wouldn't allow them to play with the older boys' toys.



Well that is generally the rule but when my boys play with those Lego sets together they mix their pieces. So Greenbean's Jack Sparrow and Cha cha's Will Turner end up on Gator's Black Pearl ship. They mix pieces all the time. They know what belongs to who but I don't and they don't mind their pieces being mixed. The older two get really upset though when Greenbean tells them he gave some Legos away. Greenbean doesn't understand why they'd be upset since he thinks everyone should love Joe. :).

None of my kids mind other kids playing with their Legos. But they get upset when they get taken home, never to be seen again.

[bisous]

I would definitely not give Legos away. *I* love them too much, lol! I would be insistent with Joe and eventually he'll drop it. It is sweet that Greenbean likes his friend so much but he needs to understand that he cannot give away his toys. Especially his Legos, sacrilege!

[Momit]

Well, I'm a little mean I guess. I think I would say, "I am sorry you may not take that toy. Maybe your mom will buy you one. You need to ask her ." And, yes, I mean I would say that in front of her.

Catherine

This exactly.

[klwa]

I have had to have this talk with DS more than once, because his "best friend" will ask him to bring all sorts of toys to daycare & then want to take them home. And if DS was a good friend he'd do it. ARGH. I just keep explaining that that's not happening & will ban DS from bringing toys to daycare for a while if he tries to give them away behind my back.

[1mom2dylan]

It is very sweet that your son is willing to share.

Can you say "No, that is his brothers toy. Maybe for your birthday/Christmas we will buy you one"

[♥ms.pacman♥]

count me in as another person who thinks its quite odd to just stand there and say NOTHING while your kid begs for another kids toy. if either of my dc ever did that 'd be so embarrassed and would be telling them immediately that it's not polite to even ask that. if she doesn't say anything, i'd be very direct like Crl bc it sounds like she's a little oblivious!

[brittone2]

count me in as another person who thinks its quite odd to just stand there and say NOTHING while your kid begs for another kids toy. i
:yeahthat:

I mean, kids are kids, and at certain ages I'm sure it is within the realm of expected behavior to ask. But for the mom to stand there and not use it as a teaching moment (we can save up your money, maybe you can put that on your wishlist, insert any acceptable way to convey to the kid that they aren't going to leave with the host's toys!) makes it odd.

[queenmama]

Next time Joe comes over you should have your other kids there to "supervise." I'll bet they can nip this thing in the bud! ;)

Seriously, you are way nicer than I'd be in that situation. Jean is putting you in an awkward position, so how much worse could it be if you said something to her?

Lara

[gatorsmom]

count me in as another person who thinks its quite odd to just stand there and say NOTHING while your kid begs for another kids toy. if either of my dc ever did that 'd be so embarrassed and would be telling them immediately that it's not polite to even ask that. if she doesn't say anything, i'd be very direct like Crl bc it sounds like she's a little oblivious!


:yeahthat:

I mean, kids are kids, and at certain ages I'm sure it is within the realm of expected behavior to ask. But for the mom to stand there and not use it as a teaching moment (we can save up your money, maybe you can put that on your wishlist, insert any acceptable way to convey to the kid that they aren't going to leave with the host's toys!) makes it odd.


Yeah, she's a little quirky but she is sweet and kind-hearted. And like I said above, nobody is perfect. She is not terribly assertive with her children in frint of me but they are generally very well-behaved.

The world is made up of all kinds of interesting people. I'm not going to NOT be her friend just because she isn't assertive. It would be a shame if I could only be friends with people who were perfectly behaved, don't you think?

[gatorsmom]

It is very sweet that your son is willing to share.

"

Thank you. :love5: I've never seen a more perfect example of selflessness than when Greenbean looked at me with big eyes and said, "I want to give Joe my toys mom, because I love him." He took my breath away.


Now if only he was this sweet and selfless with his brothers and sister. ;)

[brittone2]

Yeah, she's a little quirky but she is sweet and kind-hearted. And like I said above, nobody is perfect. She is not terribly assertive with her children in frint of me but they are generally very well-behaved.

The world is made up of all kinds of interesting people. I'm not going to NOT be her friend just because she isn't assertive. It would be a shame if I could only be friends with people who were perfectly behaved, don't you think?
I wouldn't de-friend her over it, I just wouldn't let it make me feel guilty.

[crl]

I wouldn't de-friend her over it, I just wouldn't let it make me feel guilty.

I agree. And I would try to make the problem hers because it is her kid, after all.

Catherine

[BunnyBee]

Although it is sweet that Greenbean wants to share, I wouldn't let him give Joe anything at play dates, even if the toy belongs to him and not his brothers. It seems to have set a precedence. I have a giver who seems to be a magnet for "takers" and we had to nip it because it seemed as if she thought she needed to give people whatever they asked. If my child asked to give the toy to the friend, I said "Oh, that's very nice you want to share. Sally can play with it next time she comes over. If you know Sally really likes it, we will keep it in mind when we pick out a gift for Sally's birthday. Ok, let's clean up so Sally will be ready when her mom gets here!"

If the friend asks, I said, "No. Time to clean up. Let me help you with that. [remove toy] Would you pick up the pieces to that game? Your mom will be here soon!" No explanation. No apologizing. I say it with a smile, but in my "teacher" voice. ;)

I had to figure out a solution when my sharer gave away a favorite toy and then her mom commented she already had one yet still didn't instruct the child to give it back. I politely decline gifts from others to my children too. "You are sweet to want to share. Thank you. Let's leave this here and MyChild will look forward to playing with it next time." I've had moms look SO RELIEVED at that, and rarely I've gotten, "Oh, actually we have a duplicate so we would love to share since Jane loves it." :)

[gatorsmom]

I wouldn't de-friend her over it, I just wouldn't let it make me feel guilty.


I agree. And I would try to make the problem hers because it is her kid, after all.

Catherine

I don't feel guilty- I just don't want to overstep my boundaries. Joe is not my kid to correct or discipline but he's just not getting the message. I need for him to stop his behavior without upsetting this mom. And I don't want her to be embarrassed by her son's behavior at our house. If could avoid that I would. But I've tried and I'm not getting through to him.

Despite her imperfect parenting, I really like this mom. She is very kind and wonderful to me and my kids. I'd hate to insult her or embarrass her.

[Seitvonzu]

i too have a child that has a fierce love for her best friend. i've let her give some things away to our friend, and we've done "loaning" when best friend was living somewhere temporarily and her toys were in storage. this isn't a habitual thing, and i feel comfortable with it when it happens.

we have another little friend that will ask to take stuff home with her every time she's at our house. her mother can be right there while she's asking and basically puts it on me to deal with.... it's very awkward. we don't have those people over often anymore, in general there are some discipline things that bother me. we still like the child and the mom, but it just gets stressful, you know?

my child is the type who would just give her things away.... so i feel your pain. part of this is her sweet nature, part of it is that she has so much and just doesn't feel a loss about it ;) there are certainly things she doesn't want taken (i tested this on the magnatiles cause i was starting to worry). no real advice, just commiseration ;)

[chozen]

Hmmm...between this and your other thread I'm starting to wonder if this family is a little strange. I can't imagine standing there not saying anything while my kid tries to take a toy. Even if the other child offers it most parents of kids that age would know enough to politely refuse.

At this point I would worry that the kid will start pocketing stuff during playdates!

:yeahthat:

[Still-in-Shock]

I know I am late to the party, but I want to say I am charmed that your youngest wants to give things to his friend because he loves him. Your daughter-in-law should thank you profusely.

I think it's fair to say when Joe wants something that it is not Greenbean's to give. Example: "Joe, you have excellent taste in toys, but my son Luigi would be very sad if this left the house without us consulting him. He will be home in 2 hours. Why don't you call him and ask him if you can borrow it sometime?"

I also think that it's time for you to have a private chat with Joe's mom (maybe while the boys are playing) and explain that you will not be letting Greenbean give Joe any more toys, "so she can prepare him". After all, if the kid has a meltdown on the way home, she has a right to know why. You can't tell her it's time for her to instruct her son in the real meaning of sharing, but I think it's time to do something before things really get out of hand. After all, these kids are not 3 year olds. They are old enough to know the difference between sharing and taking.

And it sounds like you need to inspect this kid before he leaves your house to make sure that he only leaves with what belongs to him. You can make a joke of it. We had to do that with our nephew, when he was about the same age as Greenbean. "What does (nephew) have in his pockets? Tanks? Soldiers? Wow! THat's quite a haul! Is there something in your other pocket? Ha ha! OK, time to give it all back so it will be here next time!" Then we all kiss and hug, so no one feels bad.

[crl]

I don't feel guilty- I just don't want to overstep my boundaries. Joe is not my kid to correct or discipline but he's just not getting the message. I need for him to stop his behavior without upsetting this mom. And I don't want her to be embarrassed by her son's behavior at our house. If could avoid that I would. But I've tried and I'm not getting through to him.

Despite her imperfect parenting, I really like this mom. She is very kind and wonderful to me and my kids. I'd hate to insult her or embarrass her.

Well, if you don't want to put the onus on her and you want to keep having play dates with Joe at your house, I guess you would just develop a short, unapologetic stock phrase that leaves no wiggle room and use it every time Joe asks. "No, Joe, you may not take that." If Greenbean tries to give Joe a toy, "No Greenbean, we are not giving our toys to Joe." Then I guess you have to hope the consistent "no" gets them to stop asking. And that they don't just start doing it while you aren't watching. . . .

Catherine

[gatorsmom]

I know I am late to the party, but I want to say I am charmed that your youngest wants to give things to his friend because he loves him. Your daughter-in-law should thank you profusely.

I think it's fair to say when Joe wants something that it is not Greenbean's to give. Example: "Joe, you have excellent taste in toys, but my son Luigi would be very sad if this left the house without us consulting him. He will be home in 2 hours. Why don't you call him and ask him if you can borrow it sometime?"

I also think that it's time for you to have a private chat with Joe's mom (maybe while the boys are playing) and explain that you will not be letting Greenbean give Joe any more toys, "so she can prepare him". After all, if the kid has a meltdown on the way home, she has a right to know why. You can't tell her it's time for her to instruct her son in the real meaning of sharing, but I think it's time to do something before things really get out of hand. After all, these kids are not 3 year olds. They are old enough to know the difference between sharing and taking.

And it sounds like you need to inspect this kid before he leaves your house to make sure that he only leaves with what belongs to him. You can make a joke of it. We had to do that with our nephew, when he was about the same age as Greenbean. "What does (nephew) have in his pockets? Tanks? Soldiers? Wow! THat's quite a haul! Is there something in your other pocket? Ha ha! OK, time to give it all back so it will be here next time!" Then we all kiss and hug, so no one feels bad.

This is excellent. Thank you! I will definitely present it to her as a way to prepare her son for a potential meltdown. She and I usually have coffee while the boys play so it will be a good time to talk to her.

Thanks for the great ideas. It's not always obvious how to present things gently so as not to step on toes.

[edurnemk]

I can't believe she stands there and says nothing, I'd be mortified and prying the toy from my kid's hands myself.

Anyway, is it just Legos or other kinds of toys? If it's just Legos I'd make them off-limits for playdates. Put them where they can't reach them even.

Other ideas: playdates in public places (playground, outside, etc). So you can just avoid the potential situation.

I would totally go for the "no you can't have it but why don't you ask your mom to buy you one?" if it comes to that. But the mature thing would probably be to talk to your friend and tell her a lot of the boys' Legos have been given away and that's been a source of conflict in your family and so could she please talk to Joe and explain that he can't take any more toys home.

Just out of curiosity, do you ever have playdates at her house? How does that go?

[Momit]

How about playing outside or at a park for the next couple of play dates? You know - places where the toys are large and attached to the ground. Maybe that would break the cycle of asking and show sweet Greenbean that he can have a fun play date without giving away his toys.

[gatorsmom]

I can't believe she stands there and says nothing, I'd be mortified and prying the toy from my kid's hands myself.

Anyway, is it just Legos or other kinds of toys? If it's just Legos I'd make them off-limits for playdates. Put them where they can't reach them even.

Other ideas: playdates in public places (playground, etc). So you can just avoid the potential situation.

I would totally go for the "no you can't have it but why don't you ask your mom to buy you one?" if it comes to that. But the mature thing would probably be to talk to your friend and tell her a lot of the boys' Legos have been given away and that's been a source of conflict in your family and so could she please talk to Joe and explain that he can't take any more toys home.

Just out of curiosity, do you ever have playdates at her house? How does that go?

Play dates at noisy venues don't go well for Greenbean. Also, I can't have a conversation when I have both twins running around in a public place. So our house works best.

At this stage. Legos is all the kids want to play with. Oh and do dress up. And play iPods. I think if I recall correctly, once when his mom wasn't around he asked I'd he could take an iPod home with them. I'm sure I said out of surprise, "absolutely not". LoL. Maybe that should be my standard response.

Play dates at their house go fine. Never a problem.

[Cuckoomamma]

I agree that the mom isn't doing a great job of guiding her son at both your son's expense and yours. You and your son are wonderful people who are concerned about their welfare. However, it doesn't seem that the mom and son are showing the same level of concern.

This isn't a one time thing, and it isn't "just" a lego anymore (he asked for the ipod!). I also think it's helpful for your little guy to learn that his buddy will be his buddy even if he doesn't give him things. And, if his buddy won't be his friend if he doesn't give him things...well, that's something better learned sooner than later.

I get the sense that the boy is taking advantage of your son and your good manners. From my experience, now having an almost 12 and 8 yo, the mom's lack of assertiveness in this relatively innocent situation will apply to less innocent situations. If she isn't going to guide her son about how his actions aren't appropriate now, how will she manage to be assertive if he does something much less kind to your son than manipulate him into giving him his toys?

I do think that your son is lovely to offer to share his treasured toys with the other boy, but as the mom of two girls, the idea of giving something you love away because you "love" somebody hits me wrong. Again, nothing negative intended towards your son. It's just not the message I'd want him to be getting from this situation. As a parent, I'd be aimiing for, "if he "loves" you like you "love" him, he wouldn't keep badgering you for your toy.

I don't think this mom is as nice as you think she is. It seems super passive aggressive to me.

[niccig]

DS is not allowed to give toys to anyway without asking me first.
DS isn't allowed to get a toy from someone without asking me first. I will check with the other child and with their parent to check if they are OK with it.

There's one boy in DS's class that I saw older kids pestering at the jogathon for tickets to play the games. He was willingly giving away all his tickets. I told the older girls (grade 5!) to knock it off, and told DS's friend that he doesn't have to give away his tickets and he should check with his parents first.

I agree with others "No, you can not have that toy" and I've also done the whole "let's check that all the lego pieces are here" when a kid kept asking to borrow a toy and sure enough, it was in his pocket.

Oh, and it could be worse. A boy in DS's class asked DH if we would buy a certain wii game so he could play it at our house for playdates! DH said no, and that he should ask his own parents for wii games.

[TwinFoxes]

Well, I'm a little mean I guess. I think I would say, "I am sorry you may not take that toy. Maybe your mom will buy you one. You need to ask her ." And, yes, I mean I would say that in front of her.

Catherine

:yeahthat: I'd say it with a friendly smile, but those Legos wouldn't be leaving!