What am i in for??

[Giantbear]

Ok ladies (men, you can weigh in too), what am i in for? How would you react? My dd is in pre-school and making friends (yeah!!) and we are being contacted by mom's for play dates. My wife has punted the ball (not the subject here) and i am going to be coordinating the playdates and may be accompanying dd to them. I will definitely be home when we host. (my wife's parenting instinct is not the best). How would you, as a mom of a 3 year old girl react to the dad in the role of the play date coordinator?

[pb&j]

It would not be a big deal to me at all. DH and I are pretty interchangeable when it comes to playdates and birthday parties. It seems that way among a lot of our kids' classmates and friends.

[LMPC]

It would not be a big deal for me either. The mom's group I am a part of is actually a moms/dads group....it works out beautifully!

[blueperidot]

I don't think I'd bat an eye. My 4 ye old DS is friends with twins who have two dads, so by default I'm coordinating with a dad- I've never even thought twice about it.

[Green_Tea]

Wouldn't faze me in the least.

And - because I know it's coming - it wouldn't faze my husband either.

[lmintzer]

I think it's great! When I lived in the Chicago area, one of my favorite play date contacts for my then 1-4 year-old was an incredible stay-at-home-dad. We became friends, and I was also friends with his wife, who worked a high-power job but was super mom on weekends.

I wouldn't be fazed at all! Go for it! You and your daughter will both enjoy the company. : )

[AnnieW625]

My DH has done many play dates in the past and it has been a-okay. Good luck and I am sure you will do just fine.

[sunshine873]

I'm ashamed to say I'd be surprised at first. But, I would be polite and accommodating and quickly realize, wow, this is great! This little girl's dad is on the ball and 100% involved.

I know this from experience. I used to belong to a play group and a new family moved into the neighborhood. When the kids came to the play group, they were accompanied by their SAHD. Like I said, I was secretly surprised at first, but he was friendly and respectful and got along great with our group in no time at all. Just be yourself, I'm sure it'll be fine.

[Staraglimmer]

I think you are an awesome dad! I'd be impressed by your commitment to your daughter. It is not that uncommon here for Dads to do play dates. Have fun!!

[sste]

I will be honest. I am *completely* fine with dad as playdate coordinator. I would be hesitant, if I didn't know the dad in question, to let my kids go on a playdate without me or without your wife there. It wouldn't be an issue for me once I met you. I know that is terribly unfair but I think you want honest responses.

At three I imagine the parents are going to expect to come though you never know -- you may want to clarify that the parent is welcome. As your DD gets older you may want to continue to mention to the parent that they are welcome or mention your wife casually in some way.

[gatorsmom]

Well, actually, last week SiSi had a fantastic play date for 3 hours with her school friend while i made lunch and chatted with the father and his younger daughter. He and I talked about pretty much everything I would have talked about with his wife (we've had play dates with her too). We all had a great time and he totally impressed me with his bread-baking skills (he brought over a house- warming gift with some fresh-baked cinnamon bread). He said he's working hard to be the next 50's housewife. :). But seriously, he's a fantastic SAHD.

I know 2 other SAHDs. They are all totally cool. I know one dad who does all the clothes shopping at Gymboree for his two little girls. He and his wife are both surgeons and she says she has never liked shopping while he loves it. My DH is usually the one to take the kids to birthday parties and lots of other events while I'm at home with the twins. Don't worry about splitting duties with your wife. If anyone comments that you are a really involved Dad, just say thanks. No need to explain further.

Eta: I rarely let my kids stay alone at someone else's house when they are 5yo and under. And never with at a stranger's house. It takes a while to really get to know the parents well before I do do drop off dates at that age. So don't be surprised if the other parents insists on staying during the play date.

[ellies mom]

I wouldn't care. And neither would my husband. In fact, if you had stuff in common with my husband, he might be thrilled because he is off 2-3 weekdays a week.

[waitingforgrace]

Wouldn't even think about it, not common around here but not reall unusual either if that makes sense.

[Giantbear]

cool, thanks for the feed back. I have a friends who was a stay at home dad and he told me about all types of issues he had being a man amongst women

[hellokitty]

I think it depends on the area you are at. I don't have a problem with it and often when I have playdates at my place, dh may be home, and then leave for work or may come home in the middle of them (his hours are all over the place). It hasn't been a big deal. However, definitely in our area, it is not as common and I have only known one sahd in our area, but he kept to himself and had family in the area, so got a lot of support from them. I don't think you will have any problems though, since it appears that you are the primary parent to you dd, so the other parents are probably used to seeing you around a preschool anyway.

[SnuggleBuggles]

No problems here. There are a few dads that I see a lot more than the moms. I admit that at first I was a little uncomfortable (I didn't grow up hanging out with boys except boy friends). But, I got over it fast and clicked with a few of them.

[JustMe]

There are lots of involved dads aka playdate coordinators in this neck of the woods, so mostly it would be pretty normal here. I do worry that the wife would be suspicious of me when I end up having to do a lot of e-mailing/coordination with the dad. My son is friends with a boy whose father tends to do most of the coordination, although I have met both parents. I always cc both parents, even though the dad is the one who replies 99% of the time.

I am a pretty cautious parent, so I tend to make sure I get to know the parents pretty well or at least spend some time at the house before leaving my kid there...so I would do the same if it was a dad or mom.

[sariana]

I think it's great. One of DD's classmates is cared for by her SAHD, so he of course is the play date coordinator.

[codex57]

The moms at my kids' school have gotten used to me being the primary contact/parent at events. Doesn't seem to be a big deal. Nowadays, the previously traditional gender roles are pretty blurred. Particularly now that having dual incomes is vital in many areas. It's known that my job is more flexible which explains why it's usually me showing up for things instead of DW.

[twowhat?]

I'd be totally fine with it. I agree that it may depend on where you live and the type of parents that associate with the preschool...where I live the dads are pretty involved and will even show up with the moms to class bday parties.

eta: I agree with those who mentioned setting up playdates at the park or other public places at first. Now that I think about it, it would probably be awkward to show up to a dad's house for a playdate with no one else around other than the kids. It would be awkard with a woman too (the whole "I don't know you that well" kind of awkwardness) but I could see it being even more so with a guy.

[sste]

cool, thanks for the feed back. I have a friends who was a stay at home dad and he told me about all types of issues he had being a man amongst women

I think I have had these same issues being a woman amongst women. IMHO large groups of women or woman-dominated cultures can be tricky waters for anyone!

I imagine there is a variant for large groups men but I have never been in a male-dominated environment so can't speak to it.

[KpbS]

I rarely let my kids stay alone at someone else's house when they are 5yo and under. And never with at a stranger's house. It takes a while to really get to know the parents well before I do do drop off dates at that age. So don't be surprised if the other parents insists on staying during the play date.

Same here!

Also, I have met only 1 SAHD since I have had DS1--ever--and while I get it that you are not a SAHD, there are very, very few dads involved in that way in our area. Honestly, I would be much more comfortable meeting up at a park for a playdate or a children's museum type place than in my home or yours. And while I "know" you are a great dad GB, I still wouldn't hang out at either of our houses without the other spouse at home. I believe it creates an opportunity for jealousy, suspicion, rumors, etc. and want to strenuously avoid those things.

[BunnyBee]

Unless I've gotten to know the parent, I usually try to do first play dates at a park or museum or wherever. So if that happens, it may not be because you're a guy. :)

[ahisma]

There are plenty of SAHD's here, we've had playdates with dads too. I've never given it a second thought, a parent is a parent. My DH is a teacher and often takes the lead in the summer, it's never bothered anyone that I know of.

We're in a community where it's pretty common for both parents to be pretty actively involved, I don't think anyone thinks much of it.

[Giantbear]

Just to clarify, I am not a SAHD. Not really relevant, but an important distinction to me.

[ahisma]

Just to clarify, I am not a SAHD. Not really relevant, but an important distinction to me.

Definitely. I don't think it will impact your experience, I just think that it's more typical for a SAHD to be the playdate parent than a WOHD. That said, DH is a WOHD and does the lion share of the afternoon / evening kid stuff so I can do consulting work in the evenings. It still works out just fine.

[crl]

Unless I've gotten to know the parent, I usually try to do first play dates at a park or museum or wherever. So if that happens, it may not be because you're a guy. :)

Me too. When ds was younger we always did the first few play dates at a park. Neutral territory and all that. Also my kid loved the park.

I have never had the dad be the person to arrange play dates, but I wouldn't care and it wouldn't change how I did things.

I know my SIL had a SAHD neighbor for awhile and she had them over for play dates quite a bit.

Good luck navigating the play date waters.

Catherine

[StantonHyde]

You know, my DD was good buddies with a girl whose mom is an MD and DH is an MD so when the 2 MDs were working that weekend, the dad and I hung out. And always at someone's house because it was winter and where else were we going to go on a Sunday in Utah??? Turns out he did triathlons and took me out for my first bike ride in 20 years before my first tri and then we were going to go swim in a reservoir (but it was lightning so no go). I was changing into his old wet suit in the family room bathroom and nobody else was around. (I did feel odd about that later and thought that if we did not all know each other so well, that could be really weird/misconstrued).

I have seen other moms and dads sledding together in the park. And I have taken the kids skiing with another dad while the mom went x-country skiing. I wish I could have chatted with the mom who is a dear friend of mine, but I like the dad and its a different vibe with him around and that's good for all of us!

I can imagine being the only man in a bunch of women can be challenging at times. Some of the best times I had though was with dads who either baked or at least made good coffee! I would bring something like coffee cake over or snacks etc and the dad made coffee and I got to talk about things like politics or the environment instead of diapers and exercising and aging and losing weight. Fine with me!!

[ShanaMama]

Ok, I'll admit I'm a little surprised that everyone is so cool with it. Or maybe I'm just not PC. Honesty, I'd be wary. Maybe because its unusual around here. My 4 to DD is already going on play dates without me & I don't usually know the parents well. I have no problem making arrangements with the dad, but if he's going to be the only one home it will give me pause. Not sure where I'd go with that next because I haven't really encountered it. Maybe arranging a play date with parents attending and /or public place like pp said would allow them to get to know you first.
Just to be clear, I "know" you & know you're a great guy. But if it was a parent I didn't know very well my radar would be on a little higher alert. It's not fair, it's not PC, but I think you want my homest opinion. Don't flame me. :)

[MontrealMum]

No problems here either. Even where I live it's not the "norm", but it's not crazy unusual either. My DS' closest friend from the ages of 2-5 was a little girl with a SAHD. DH met him in the parking lot XC skiing.

He was such an amazing dad taking her to gym classes, music classes, "mommy"&me stuff where he was the only guy there. But noone batted an eye and I think many of the moms were envious! As for us, we all hung out at times, sometimes it was both the DHs and kids - especially for sporty stuff - and sometimes it was me and DS, and him and his DD. It all worked. Even though we did hang out as complete families, when we did I often found myself in conversation with him, rather than the mom, only because we were both the primary caregivers. And it felt completely natural. He did have more in common with DH as they're both super sporty/outdoorsy, but sometimes common kidrearing issues trumps that. They moved last year and we miss them tons :(

Sorry, I realize you're not a SAHD, but you are the primary caregiver and I think that's the distinction everyone is making. Heck, I send my own DH on playdates these days now that things have equalized here a bit (I now WOH). Noone has balked and they're always invited back.

[Giantbear]

Ok, I'll admit I'm a little surprised that everyone is so cool with it. Or maybe I'm just not PC. Honesty, I'd be wary. Maybe because its unusual around here. My 4 to DD is already going on play dates without me & I don't usually know the parents well. I have no problem making arrangements with the dad, but if he's going to be the only one home it will give me pause. Not sure where I'd go with that next because I haven't really encountered it. Maybe arranging a play date with parents attending and /or public place like pp said would allow them to get to know you first.
Just to be clear, I "know" you & know you're a great guy. But if it was a parent I didn't know very well my radar would be on a little higher alert. It's not fair, it's not PC, but I think you want my homest opinion. Don't flame me. :)no flame, i appreciate the honest feedback.

[Still-in-Shock]

While it's more common for moms to do play date co-ordinating, I certainly would not have a problem. I think it's more important that the children get along and have a good time! Of course, when I start doing play dates, I may be twice the age of the other parents/supervising relatives, so I am kind of in your shoes of wondering how I will be accepted.

If you run into any people who let you know that they would prefer to deal with your wife, all you have to do is say she is busy, but the two of you don't want that to interfere with your DD's playtime.

[Giantbear]

While it's more common for moms to do play date co-ordinating, I certainly would not have a problem. I think it's more important that the children get along and have a good time! Of course, when I start doing play dates, I may be twice the age of the other parents/supervising relatives, so I am kind of in your shoes of wondering how I will be accepted.

If you run into any people who let you know that they would prefer to deal with your wife, all you have to do is say she is busy, but the two of you don't want that to interfere with your DD's playtime.
sigh..... i'll be 44 next week..... didn't even think of the age thing.... Ok, can someone tell me who this bieber guy is and why i should care........

[StantonHyde]

Oh don't worry about age. Most of the people my kids knew from daycare were at least within 10 years of me. So we were all older parents. If you have to, pick up People magazine--you can read the whole thing in less than an hour. Ask me how I know since once I am out of work I have the attention span of a gnat :tongue5:

[blisstwins]

We know several families where the dad takes care of this. It was only an issue once and that is because the dad always took his shirt off. Seriously. So don't do that if you are hosting a playdate.

[new_mommy25]

Not a big deal at all. One of DD's best friends had a dad who coordinated the play dates because he had a flexible job and his wife did not. We had play dates every Friday. One of DS's best friend's dad was a sales rep and mom was a teacher so he was the primary caregiver. I sent DS to the house for play dates all the time and never thought twice about.

[ShanaMama]

We know several families where the dad takes care of this. It was only an issue once and that is because the dad always took his shirt off. Seriously. So don't do that if you are hosting a playdate.

Um... Ok. That's a funny one. Giantbear, keep your shirt on.
:rotflmao:

[cilantromapuche]

We are both equally busy and DH took a year off to stay home with the kids, so he has hosted plenty playdates. He is actually the better host because he always make cookies with/for the kids. They get veggies and fruit when its me hosting :)

[egoldber]

DH does not really coordinate, but he certainly does drop off/sometimes stay for playdates and also he will host. I set up playdates for when one parent is home regardless of who the parent is.

Also, since we both work, most of our playdates are on weekends. It's been my experience that in this scenario dad is as likely to be the playdate host as mom.

[TwinFoxes]

Ok, I'll admit I'm a little surprised that everyone is so cool with it.

:yeahthat: I've read some pretty strong statements on this board about not trusting dads/not leaving kids at a house where the dad is around. I wouldn't have a problem with it, but GB, I think you should be prepared for negative reactions. Hopefully there won't be many. :)

[1mom2dylan]

I would think the other husband might be uncomfortable/jealous to have an unknown male at home with his wife and child. I think my husband would be uncomfortable if he came home and saw that an unknown male was chilling with me. A group or public setting would be best to avoid any uncomfortable feelings from the other spouse the first few times.

[MamaMolly]

There is a fairly large group of SAHD in our little Expat community here. It is my first time doing playgroups and having a guy show up. No big deal, we all hang out in a weekly playdate at someone's house.

Honestly I'd be fine with it in a group setting, I'd be fine if you came to my house for a one on one playdate, I'd be fine going to your house, too. I would not be comfortable AT FIRST, until we got to know you better, with drop off playdates.

That said we really don't do drop off playdates, even for our 6 yo. Mostly because she has a peanut allergy and it is a PITA to educate the parents on EpiPen use. There are a few close friends we leave her with that know what to do.

[sarahsthreads]

I'd be a little surprised, simply because I don't know many families where the dad is available during weekdays, but it wouldn't deter me from agreeing to a playdate. My former job was in a male-dominated field, so it's not like I can't make conversation with men. (And we all know playdates are only partly so the kids can go off and play - it's mainly so the parents can talk to another adult!) ;)

I, like others, tend to set up a first playdate in neutral territory unless it's a group situation - I do this even if it's going to be another mom. So, playground, children's museum, whatever, but not at someone's house. I actually think this can be really beneficial for really little kids, too, having the first one-on-one play time not involve sharing someone's toys.

Oh, and I work weekends, which means that DH is the playdate coordinator with families who only do playdates on the weekends and also the main chauffeur-to-birthday-parties parent. As far as we know it's not been a problem, and we're definitely well past the parents staying for playdates age with DD1, and mostly there with DD2.

Sarah :)

[Ceepa]

I would have zero problems with the dad setting up the playdates. We have always been around really involved dads and it's great. But I wouldn't leave a very young child at a home playdate with just the dad if I weren't going to be there.

I would have to be there and would personally prefer a neutral location, but I would prefer that with a mom I don't know, too.

[hillview]

We had a dad over for a playdate (our first with the child), I was caught off guard but it was fine (I sadly expected the mom, my bad!). There are dads who I know pretty well who I would drop my son off for a solo play date but regardless of gender of the caregiver, I wouldn't drop my younger child off solo with an unknown caregiver.

I think it will be super and wonderful :)

[lizzywednesday]

No big deal for me, either.

Maybe I am spoiled, but my brothers are my go-to babysitters for DD, and I've met most of her classmates' dads by now, so if one of them reached out to me to set up a playdate, it wouldn't phase me in the least.

Good luck, GB! Hope your DD has lots of fun!!!

[janine]

I would have no problem with it. I have a few friends' with DH's as SAHD's and one of the girls in DD's Pre-K class (there are 6 girls and no boys) dad is the stay at home parent and we always see him at class parties/emails to all the moms and he always brings the best and most creative snacks. Love him. He hasn't coordinated any playdates though, wish he would..
You might have to be ready for alot of flirting...haha JUST kidding.

[crl]

Just following up on a few other thoughts.

Dh would not care at all if I was arranging play dates where the other parent was a dad. Just not an issue for us. So if you run into that, I think it is an exception, not the rule.

And I didn't do drop off play with anyone when ds was a preschooler. He would have dissolved into an inconsolable mess if I had tried to leave. And IME at that age most people did not do drop off play dates. So if you run into that, it may not be because you are the dad.

Catherine

[Philly Mom]

Is your DD in full time school where most of the parents are both working? I think it may change the reaction and comfort levels. At DD's school I see an equal number of moms and dads doing pick up/drop off so I get to meet an equal number of moms and dads. Most parents share in chores and child things so it would not seem weird. I do find in our world, we tend to have more full family play dates even with kids of varying ages because they occur on the weekends, and that is the only time we get to spend with our kids.

[Giantbear]

We know several families where the dad takes care of this. It was only an issue once and that is because the dad always took his shirt off. Seriously. So don't do that if you are hosting a playdate.
What about my pants?? :yay:

[Giantbear]

I would never drop dd off, first, she would not let me go and second, i am not ready for that. It took till last week for me to leave dd at a neighbor she knows well while i was across the street dealing with the landscaper, and even then she kept yelling over to me.

Someone posted she would be uncomfortable leaving her child just with the dad alone. I wonder why with a dad? In my family, and several i know, the father is the primary care and the mother slightly clueless. It is that type of bias that drives me nuts. I also find many product commercials to be insulting, but that is a different thread,

I am guessing i will run into many different reactions. And yes, i will stay fully dressed.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We know several families where the dad takes care of this. It was only an issue once and that is because the dad always took his shirt off. Seriously. So don't do that if you are hosting a playdate.

I'd be ok with that if it was Matthew McConaughey- he just naturally repels shirts. :)

[codex57]

I would never drop dd off, first, she would not let me go and second, i am not ready for that. It took till last week for me to leave dd at a neighbor she knows well while i was across the street dealing with the landscaper, and even then she kept yelling over to me.

Someone posted she would be uncomfortable leaving her child just with the dad alone. I wonder why with a dad? In my family, and several i know, the father is the primary care and the mother slightly clueless. It is that type of bias that drives me nuts. I also find many product commercials to be insulting, but that is a different thread,

I am guessing i will run into many different reactions. And yes, i will stay fully dressed.

Old biases of all kind are still around. Just expect them and take them in stride. In general though, women swoon over guys like you who are that involved. It's generally a "happy" bias to be subjected to. The ones who automatically assume you're some child molester possibly suffered through some child abuse themselves (or witnessed it).

[twowhat?]

Old biases of all kind are still around. Just expect them and take them in stride. In general though, women swoon over guys like you who are that involved. It's generally a "happy" bias to be subjected to. The ones who automatically assume you're some child molester possibly suffered through some child abuse themselves (or witnessed it).

:yeahthat: Remember that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Debra finally convinces a very reluctant Ray to take the kids to the park so she could get some housework done? And while there all the other moms swoon over him and he totally soaks it up, offering to fix stroller wheels, etc? and then Debra shows up to bring a jacket or something for the kids since it's chilly and all the other moms are like "you are so lucky"? And all she can do is stand there and glare at Ray. LOL. So yeah - it's poking fun at a sterotype but the stereotype is there.

People have told me I am "so lucky" when DH is at the grocery store with me and the kids. It bugs me. He is their DAD. He SHOULD be involved, and him being at the grocery store with me shouldn't be treated as something special and worthy of praise. But I digress....

[♥ms.pacman♥]

:yeahthat: Remember that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Debra finally convinces a very reluctant Ray to take the kids to the park so she could get some housework done? And while there all the other moms swoon over him and he totally soaks it up, offering to fix stroller wheels, etc?

lol, i remember that. and then Debra gets pissed (rightfully so). i see her frustration.

dad wears a baby in a carrier - tons of comments. people hold doors open. "oh you are such a good dad!"

mom wears baby in a carrier - nothing.

dad merely shows up to any sort of kid event = "super involved" dad.
mom misses one or two event = guilt trip.

gotta love the double-standard :)

[Melaine]

My first thought would definitely be, "it's great he is so involved". My DH would not be willing to be the supervising parent for a playdate. A couple other thoughts, in no particular order.
I do not drop off my kids for playdates. I'm sure I will when they are older, but they are 6 and we've never done that. We have done a couple of drop off parties just over the last couple months. If/when I do drop-offs it would be folks we are very close to as a whole family (so knowing both parents). In that case I would be fine with dropping off with either mom or dad but I will say that my girls are really shy and might be shy about asking a dad for help (like bathroom type help). They might be afraid to tell a guy they had a tummy ache or something. Just some thoughts that I'm not sure have been mentioned.
As far as non-drop off playdates: playdates are at least 50% about me getting social time as they are about DDs playing with their friends. I would definitely enjoy talking to a dad at a playdate, but I wouldn't be one on one with a dad and his kids. That seems crazy to most, and I get that. It's just one of those things that DH and feel is important to avoid any kind of appearance of inappropriateness. So I would just try to pull a third family into the mix under those circumstances. It's not that big of a deal. And it's not like an unbreakable rule for us either. If we were planning a playdate with two other families and one cancelled leaving just me, my kids, and a dad and his kids, say, at the park....we would still go. But I would cancel if it was going to be at their house.

[mmommy]

I haven't had a chance to read the other responses, but just wanted to chime in that DH often runs playdates for DD1, and that I often get together for playdates with some of the dads of DD1s friends. Playdates are good social time for the parents, and a few of the dads of DD1s friends are really easy to get along with. I have a lot in common with one of them professionally, and the other one I like to talk music with :)

[Tondi G]

No problems from me! When DS1 was a baby we met a family (online actually) and had a number of playdates (often with other babies/moms+dads). I was the stay at home Mom and this little girl had a stay at home Dad. We went to the park, the Zoo, Disneyland... it was never an issue.

[BunnyBee]

As far as non-drop off playdates: playdates are at least 50% about me getting social time as they are about DDs playing with their friends. I would definitely enjoy talking to a dad at a playdate, but I wouldn't be one on one with a dad and his kids. That seems crazy to most, and I get that. It's just one of those things that DH and feel is important to avoid any kind of appearance of inappropriateness. So I would just try to pull a third family into the mix under those circumstances. It's not that big of a deal. And it's not like an unbreakable rule for us either. If we were planning a playdate with two other families and one cancelled leaving just me, my kids, and a dad and his kids, say, at the park....we would still go. But I would cancel if it was going to be at their house.

A couple of people have mentioned this or hinted at it, so I am only quoting you because it was the last reply and convenient. :)

What would you do if GB were gay? What if GB were a lesbian? One of my best mom school friends is gay, and I think nothing of hanging out with her on a regular basis. My DH is friends with her too, and they go to movies sometimes. In our school over the summer, one mom left her husband for another school mom. I don't know of any mom-dad hookups.

What about other males? I spent more time with my contractor than my husband last spring. :rotflmao:

[KLD313]

I would welcome it! I've always had more guy friends than girls and worked in a male dominated field so maybe that plays into. My BF would not be accepting of it because he's the jealous type but that's his issue.

[lovin2shop]

Haven't read all the other replys, but DH is a working dad who happens to have a lot of flexibility in the afternoons. He handles playdates a lot, and I think the SAHMs get a kick out of him! A lot of my close friends will text him first to see if my DS's can play, and I'm a little jealous that he gets to catch up and socialize with my friends more often that I do! Anyway, I think you'll be fine, have fun with it!

[mommy111]

I wouldn't leave my child alone on a first playdate with mom or dad if I didn't know the family well. But I wouldn't be surprised at all at a dad being primary contact for a playdate, we have many two working parents families in our social circle and its a toss-up on any given day whether the mom or the dad will be supervising the playdate. In fact, if my BFF's hubby volunteers to supervise the kids' playdate, we (the moms) head out for a movie and dinner.

[ShanaMama]

I would never drop dd off, first, she would not let me go and second, i am not ready for that. It took till last week for me to leave dd at a neighbor she knows well while i was across the street dealing with the landscaper, and even then she kept yelling over to me.

Someone posted she would be uncomfortable leaving her child just with the dad alone. I wonder why with a dad? In my family, and several i know, the father is the primary care and the mother slightly clueless. It is that type of bias that drives me nuts. I also find many product commercials to be insulting, but that is a different thread,

I am guessing i will run into many different reactions. And yes, i will stay fully dressed.
That was probably me you were referring to. It seems there are 2 issues being discussed here. 1- mom & dad hanging out together, which some are not comfortable with. 2- drop off play dates aka leaving your child with an unknown caregiver.
I don't have a problem with #1. If the dad is comfortable with it I wouldn't care. I have more of an issue with #2. And I honesty think more people do than are posting in this thread. Call it a stereotype if you want. I don't really worry about another mom molesting a young child. It would cross my mind about a dad. I know it's not politically correct, & once I have a comfort level with the person I'd relax a bit, but I'm not risking my kid in order to be PC.
In fact, I once had a child at an in-home daycare run by a mom. She had to take care of some medical stuff with her own child so she had her husband substitute on more than one occasion (without prior notice- I dropped off my kid & dad was there instead of the teacher). I was extremely upset & pulled my child out Shorlty thereafter. I am 99% sure that it was innocent & I felt bad about their child's medical issues but my radar was going nuts.
Call me paranoid. I suspect there are other parents out there like me. So dot get offended or take it personally if you run into this.

[Giantbear]

A couple of people have mentioned this or hinted at it, so I am only quoting you because it was the last reply and convenient. :)

What would you do if GB were gay? What if GB were a lesbian? One of my best mom school friends is gay, and I think nothing of hanging out with her on a regular basis. My DH is friends with her too, and they go to movies sometimes. In our school over the summer, one mom left her husband for another school mom. I don't know of any mom-dad hookups.

What about other males? I spent more time with my contractor than my husband last spring. :rotflmao:I identify more with this.

But i think a better question is, what would you do if i was a single dad and out kids were good daycare friends? My wife flipped when the new late daycare provider was male and was ready to talk to the director, until she got to know him and now likes him better than than the woman.

I get very upset at two things, 1) when told by someone that i better "check with my wife" on a decision i make for dd and 2) all of the commercials that portray fathers as dolts (ok, three things, seriously, you can not drive the ball 350 yards, so stop waiting for the group ahead to reach the green!!!). I have been ignored at parks by groups of mothers and my dd has been asked (she is very vocal for her age) "why are you here with your dad" at parks.

I can understand the reluctance to be alone with a man you do not know, but the automatic assumption that your child would not be as safe or well cared for alone in my presence is insulting. (general rant not directed at anyone) Quiet frankly, i would not leave my wife alone for a play-date with someone she did not know for the kids sake. The only time she did a play date without me, it was a disaster.

[Giantbear]

That was probably me you were referring to. It seems there are 2 issues being discussed here. 1- mom & dad hanging out together, which some are not comfortable with. 2- drop off play dates aka leaving your child with an unknown caregiver.
I don't have a problem with #1. If the dad is comfortable with it I wouldn't care. I have more of an issue with #2. And I honesty think more people do than are posting in this thread. Call it a stereotype if you want. I don't really worry about another mom molesting a young child. It would cross my mind about a dad. I know it's not politically correct, & once I have a comfort level with the person I'd relax a bit, but I'm not risking my kid in order to be PC.
In fact, I once had a child at an in-home daycare run by a mom. She had to take care of some medical stuff with her own child so she had her husband substitute on more than one occasion (without prior notice- I dropped off my kid & dad was there instead of the teacher). I was extremely upset & pulled my child out Shorlty thereafter. I am 99% sure that it was innocent & I felt bad about their child's medical issues but my radar was going nuts.
Call me paranoid. I suspect there are other parents out there like me. So dot get offended or take it personally if you run into this.

I would not drop of dd with a person i do not know and am not sure at what age i will allow her to go to a friends house whose parents i do not really know. To me, it is not a gender issue. I do get offended that, because i am male, i am suspected of being a molester. But i am guessing 99% of the people here would feel the same if in my position. As for your daycare situation, i would be upset too, but not due to gender issues but safety and familiarity issues. That situation is why we chose a center instead of a home based daycare.

[lizzywednesday]

What about my pants?? :yay:

I think you're going to have to skip the pants-off dance-offs at this point, GB.

And "No Pants Tuesday" ? Not a good idea.

But, otherwise, you sound like you're fine.

And I've already shared my then-divorced-and-primary-custodial dad's thoughts on the matter regarding commercials & other stuff - he has refused to buy Kix cereal & Jif peanut butter for over 20 years - so I totally hear where you're coming from.

[trales]

We are about 50/50 here. Some moms have issues with it, some don't.

DH came home one day to a SAHD and I canning peaches while the children and dogs were running around. Nothing surprises him anymore.

[sste]

Giantbear, I would be offended in your shoes too . . . it is galling to work as you for your family and DD and be thought of a potential child molester.

However, I am also one of those people who is hesitant to leave my kids with a man I do not know. It is because I know that statistically the rate of child molestation is many times higher for men than for women. We do not and would not hire a male babysitter that we didn't know extremely well for this reason and I suspect many people, whether they will admit or not, feel the same way. I also know it is most often relatives, friends of the family who commit childhood sexual abuse and frankly I am even more cautious in those situations with my kids.

At ages 3/4 I wouldn't leave my kids alone with parents of either gender. But at ages 5/6 I am already seeing that drop-off is the norm and in that situation I want both parents around or I want to stay or I want to know the dad a little if he is going to be solo.

I can understand you being upset though. :(

[janine]

I agree, it is very rare that anyone in that age group is being left alone at playdates. I am even surprised at 5/6...I don't think I'll be leaving my DD alone for sometime. Has little to do with whether or not it's the dad without the mom or not. If you're the primary parent in a group setting, I can't imagine most would care and probably many ladies are loving it.

The judgements you are describing are wrong, I guess it comes down to people not liking what they aren't used to. Even working moms get this from other moms in some circles. However I am surprised that your daughter hears things like that...seriously there are more dads than moms in the park or pushing strollers on the weekend. At 5pm on my street, I see more dads home first.

[ShanaMama]

I would not drop of dd with a person i do not know and am not sure at what age i will allow her to go to a friends house whose parents i do not really know. To me, it is not a gender issue. I do get offended that, because i am male, i am suspected of being a molester. But i am guessing 99% of the people here would feel the same if in my position. As for your daycare situation, i would be upset too, but not due to gender issues but safety and familiarity issues. That situation is why we chose a center instead of a home based daycare.

I hope you haven't been offended by my posts. I know you to be an involved, loving & devoted spouse & father. The judgement you've encountered is flat out wrong. I am the first one to be happy to see hands on dads. I was specifically addressing your question & thought you'd appreciate an honest answer.
Whether we like it or not, we are all subject to stereotype. I am treated differently all the time because if the way I look. That's life.

[Still-in-Shock]

I get very upset at two things, 1) when told by someone that i better "check with my wife" on a decision i make for dd and 2) all of the commercials that portray fathers as dolts (ok, three things, seriously, you can not drive the ball 350 yards, so stop waiting for the group ahead to reach the green!!!). I have been ignored at parks by groups of mothers and my dd has been asked (she is very vocal for her age) "why are you here with your dad" at parks.

GB, some of this may never go away, sorry to say. I get ignored at Lowe's and I've been using tools since I was 10. Society is very slow to change. It also depends where you live, and how used to non-traditional roles people are in your area.

You may have to work with your little girl on some standard answers for when people ask insensitive questions, if you think she needs it. It seems to me that kids have less problems with this than adults do though.

[TxCat]

Haven't had a chance to read all the responses, but I assume that DH and I will be splitting play dates and pick-ups since we already split park outings and music class due to schedule issues. Setting up a play date with a dad wouldn't phase me in the least, nor would hanging out with the dad solo during the play date. Good luck and hope your daughter has a great time!

[YouAreTheFocus]

Late to the game here, but I'll throw in my .02 and say I would have no issue coordinating or participating in a playdate with a dad. My level of comfort would really depend on the individual, not their gender. There are women I wouldn't want to hang out with or leave my child with, same goes for men.

At my son's preschool and at bday parties we see the moms & dads equally (both do pickups/dropoffs, both attend parties) so I guess I would be surprised if we went for a playdate and one parent wasn't involved at all. But I wouldn't be more taken aback if it was just the dad participating rather than just the mom. We have only done a few playdates, but so far all have inc. both parents. Maybe this is b/c all the families we know have 2 working parents so all playdates are on the wkds.

[bostonsmama]

I would never be alone with a man in a home without a wife at least milling about the house (for a one-on-one playdate). If 2 or more moms/ladies were there, I'd be a-ok, although I'd have to know the dad pretty well and the other moms, too. There's just too much potential for gossip and indecent situation.

[BayGirl2]

Its funny I just came across this post (obviously I'm late) because I almost posted the same situation from the opposite perspective a couple weeks ago after all the "man can't be alone with a woman at work" related threads.

I often have play dates with Dad's only. And my DH has has hosted play dates in our house with a Mom only. Most of the parents in our circle WOH and equally involved Dads are pretty common around here. Now that my DS is getting older this stuff happens more frequently, weekly for soccer actually. Honestly it never even raised a thought on my radar screen until I saw some comments on here about work situations and men and women being alone. I just don't see being in a room together as a sexual risk or anything people should be gossiping about.

So GiantBear I would be 100% fine with you hosting a play date with me, and you would fit in fine around here. I may try to set you up on a man-date with my DH just so you could bond over Dad parenting issues. The stereotypes are still alive, and annoying to him too. Although I give him a hard time because he's flying home cross country alone with the kids and I just KNOW he's going to be treated like a saint on that plane. If it were Mom flying I'd get looks every time a kid made a noise. That's just how it is, other people's misperceptions don't change the way we parent.

As for the totally separate issue of drop offs - I have dropped off DS one time for a playdate. The mom and dad were both there, but I think I coordinated with the Dad. They are a friend of the family so we know them fairly well. DH was out of town and I really needed to get errands done. It was a bit of a test and DS did great without me, as expected. For a less familiar family (mom or dad) I think 3 is a bit young for drop offs.

[sophiesmom03]

When my DD1 was 3 DH SAH and had an awful time getting play dates for her and could never host. The moms just were not comfortable. They did lots of outdoor, meet at the park or zoo kind of play dates.

[KLD313]

I had a lovely conversation with a dad I met at the park today. We were both pushing our similarly aged kids on the swing and I told him about another park that was nice in our area. I run a meetup group for babies and toddlers and I contemplated inviting him to join then thought maybe he would think it was weird so I didn't. Lol

[gatorsmom]

I'd be ok with that if it was Matthew McConaughey- he just naturally repels shirts. :)

And I'd be ok with a shirtless Matthew McConaughey- as long as he used deodorant when I was around. Ewwww!

Giantbear, To answer your question about why mothers would be hesitant to drop off their child when you re home, the reason is grounded in statistics. There are far more male child predators than female. I can't remember the exact statistics. So unless I know you like my brother, I'm less likely to drop my kid off to play at your house without me there. As long as I'm there, no problem.

[indigo99]

If I'm at the playdate then I'd be perfectly happy with it. I would not, however, want to drop off my child with only a male parent supervising. I think it's best if you do lots of playdates with lots of people now while the parents will be there. That way they'll already know you and be comfortable once their child is older and ready for solo visits.

[indigo99]

The ones who automatically assume you're some child molester possibly suffered through some child abuse themselves (or witnessed it).

I just saw this, and I think it may play a big part in it. There are so many girls molested, and many grow up to be more skeptical or fearful in certain situations. I was molested by a relative. He was a very respected deacon of his church, and there were always little girls playing at his house. I'm sure that the parents thought that their kids were completely safe with him, but I have reason to believe that he molested his own daughter, grandaughter (whom he helped raise), and probably some of her friends. As far as I know, only myself and his step-grandaughter ever told someone, but our family decided not to go to the police because it would have hurt his wife too much.

[BabyBearsMom]

My DH is almost always home when we do play dates. He often comes to the ones at the park and has done birthday parties without me. I don't think it is a big deal and we get invited back so I assume the other parents don't have an issue with it. Several of the moms tell me that they are jealous of me for my DH bc he is so involved. I'm sure the other parents will understand

[Giantbear]

I hope you haven't been offended by my posts. I know you to be an involved, loving & devoted spouse & father. The judgement you've encountered is flat out wrong. I am the first one to be happy to see hands on dads. I was specifically addressing your question & thought you'd appreciate an honest answer.
Whether we like it or not, we are all subject to stereotype. I am treated differently all the time because if the way I look. That's life.not offended and appreciate the honest response

[queenmama]

Just out of curiosity, where would GB's DD be in this situation if he's molesting your child? Or if you'd feel uncomfortable hanging out together for a playdate... what? You think he's gonna rip off your clothes in front of the kids?

Okay, my tongue is firmly in cheek here but I hope you get the point. Knowing GB and his family as we do, I would feel more comfortable leaving my kids with him than with his wife.

Having said all of that, DS didn't start having drop-off playdates until he was around 8 or 9, but that's his personality. He's had numerous dad-only playdates. I think, if I don't feel he's safe with this family, we make it a group thing or a location thing. I have never hesitated to leave him with any dads, but again, these are families we know well.

Maybe it'll be different with DD. I can't say.

Lara

[sntm]

Adding my 2 cents - I'd have no problem with dad being Playdate coordinator (one of DS1's friend's dad does all the coordinating and pickup/drop off since his work is flexible), doing playdates one on one, etc. I'd be slightly more wary of a drop off Playdate with a younger child until I knew dad better, just cuz of statistics. Doesn't mean I assume the dad is a child molester, same as I don't assume I will be in a car accident today but I still wore my seatbelt.
And sadly, molestations can happen quickly, in the time it takes for one kid to go to the bathroom, and can happen to two kids at once. Another kid is not necessarily protective.
No idea why autocorrect capitalized Playdate

[gatorsmom]

Just out of curiosity, where would GB's DD be in this situation if he's molesting your child? Or if you'd feel uncomfortable hanging out together for a playdate... what? You think he's gonna rip off your clothes in front of the kids?


You make it sound like we are being ridiculous but it happens all the time. 1 out of 4 girls will be molested by someone they know. That comes straight off the RAINN website. My own mother had a bad feeling about the grandfather of our nextdoor neighbors. Their girls were my age and we played together daily in the summer. Nicest people ever. But occasioannly the grandfather would come to their house and take the girls for a ride for ice cream. He always asked if I could go too. And my mother staunchly refused because she just didn't trust him. My dad said he thought he seemed nice enough and I always threw a fit because I never got to go with. 25yr later we found out he was fondling his own granddaughters in the car on the way to the ice cream place.

It can happen anywhere.

OP like I said before, it's nothing personal. I am protective of my children with all strangers until they aren't strangers anymore. It sounds like you are too. :)

[Momit]

...Okay, my tongue is firmly in cheek here but I hope you get the point. Knowing GB and his family as we do, I would feel more comfortable leaving my kids with him than with his wife....

Lara

Knowing Giant Bear's specific situation I would absolutely trust him with kids more than I would trust his wife. But for an average couple that I know casually from school, I might be a little surprised at first if it's the man and not the woman who is the one coordinating the play date. And the average mom at GB's DD's school might be a little taken aback as well. Overall I think BBB parents are more open-minded and progressive than the average population so it isn't unreasonable to think there might be at least a chance that someone would hesitate to leave their DC with him, whereas they would be comfortable with a woman (assuming they don't know GB's specific situation).

Many safety books like Protecting the Gift recommend that a lost or endangered child find a woman, preferably a mom, to ask for help. This is based on statistics that women are less likely to harm children.

Having a dad as the host would not keep me from doing a play date, but I might be more likely to suggest a park or other public place. And I'd make sure DH knew exactly where we were going (or I might bring him along, which I wouldn't do if it were another mom).

So GB, I hope the parents at school get to know you as the awesome dad that you are.

[egoldber]

So what if you don't know who is hosting until you arrive? I may coordinate with mom, just because that's the e-mail I have, but when I show up, it could be dad at home. This has happened to me numerous times.

I think part of this is my kids are older and their friends mainly have 2 parent working families. Not because we seek them out but because by the nature of our lives, they are who we tend to meet and who our schedules tend to naturally mesh with. We simply can't do weekday playdates. And older DD usually arranges her own get togethers now by texting plans with her friends and then confirming that those plans are OK with parents.

Also, I think that many dads are naturally more involved when the kids are older and a little less "needy". The kids are pretty much self sufficient at playdates after a certain age and the dad naturally become more comfortable hosting.

[emily_gracesmama]

When my girls were little we frequently had a Playdate group where a dad was the one who brought his son along. We'd rotate houses and he'd host too. We were fine with it.

[icunurse]

When DH was laid off, he handled several play dates because I was working more. Never had a problem with play dates. Some Moms even stayed (of course, they typically knew me a little from pick-up at school and knew our situation). Honestly, I was more surprised that some moms stayed to talk with DH (who they didn't know very well other than seeing him a lot) vs just dropping off their child. This was in K.

I wouldn't leave my child with someone I didn't know of either gender because just as some have a fear of men being molesters (I do not in general, but if I get a weird vibe, I go with it), I fear women being closet drinkers or totally uninterested in what their children are doing on the play date (because they are on the computer, phone, texting, talking to neighbor). Honestly, IMO, the latter is more likely and just as dangerous, as if you aren't keeping at least a loose eye on the kids, they can get into all sorts of trouble. Once I have met the parents a couple of times, I am okay with short play dates and go from there.

[Ceepa]

Also, I think that many dads are naturally more involved when the kids are older and a little less "needy". The kids are pretty much self sufficient at playdates after a certain age and the dad naturally become more comfortable hosting.

I would be more comfortable with a dad hosting once my kids were older, more aware of personal safety and could tell me or DH if something seemed "off."

[KpbS]

You make it sound like we are being ridiculous but it happens all the time. 1 out of 4 girls will be molested by someone they know. That comes straight off the RAINN website. My own mother had a bad feeling about the grandfather of our nextdoor neighbors. Their girls were my age and we played together daily in the summer. Nicest people ever. But occasioannly the grandfather would come to their house and take the girls for a ride for ice cream. He always asked if I could go too. And my mother staunchly refused because she just didn't trust him. My dad said he thought he seemed nice enough and I always threw a fit because I never got to go with. 25yr later we found out he was fondling his own granddaughters in the car on the way to the ice cream place.

It can happen anywhere.

OP like I said before, it's nothing personal. I am protective of my children with all strangers until they aren't strangers anymore. It sounds like you are too. :)

:yeahthat:
I think this is probably one of those things that if you or a loved one had experienced any abuse before it COMPLETELY changes your perspective forever. Sad but true.

[queenmama]

I truly didn't mean to make light of it and I know that it does happen. It seems like it'd be difficult to pull off during a playdate, seeing as the kids are usually playing together :confused: , that was my point.

Fact is, most of us wouldn't leave our kids with people we don't know, either gender. We would be more comfortable with moms than dads when we don't know the families well. Am I correct in that summation?

Again, we didn't start having playdates til much older than most of you, and by that time we had been well acquainted with the families (school friends) for 3 or 4 years, so we trusted them enough for Henry to go dad-only.

There's never any guarantee of perfect safety. We all know that close family and friends tend to be the predators. We do our best to vet the people with which we entrust our children, but even then it can go badly.

Lara

[Giantbear]

An unexpected benefit to this post are all of the compliments i have received. Thank you for them. It is hard not to take it personally when being judged by a stereotype. I am sure everyone here is part of some sort of group that has negative stereotypes about them and can relate to that aspect. Yes, diligence is necessary to protect our children, but i would hope it would be in place without regard to gender. I have already stated i would never leave dd with a person i am not very familiar with, and probably won;t for many years. My life experience has run the gammit in many different directions, and while i try and learn from my experiences, i also try not to be a slave to them. I should open a Q&A thread on them.

[Gracemom]

I'm late to this thread, but I think it's great that you are planning playdates for your daughter. We are friends with 2 families with stay at home dads who plan everything. I am happy to have my kids play at their houses. I started out having supervised playdates, but once I get to know the family, and once my kids start communicating what is going on, I am fine with dropping off (probably around the age of 4-5).

A reality of life is that we can never truly know what is happening in someone's family. Spouses have been unaware that their partner abused their children. I do worry a bit when my kids aren't with me, but you have to start letting them go some time. They need practice dealing with different people, and drop off play dates can be a good way to do that. I trust my instincts, and I'm trying to teach my kids to trust theirs too. Yes, you can get burned. But anything in life has risks - driving, playing at the park, etc.

[indigo99]

Just out of curiosity, where would GB's DD be in this situation if he's molesting your child?

FWIW, I was molested with two other children in the room.

[jgenie]

FWIW, I was molested with two other children in the room.

:yeahthat: I was not the only child in the house when it happened to me. Hard as it may be to believe my parents were in the house as well a couple of other adults. For what it's worth it wasn't a party and they weren't drinking and unaware. It happened when I went to the bathroom. It really only takes a moment.

ETA: I wouldn't rule out a play date with a dad but I don't plan to do drop off play dates with my kids for some time.

[DrSally]

Fine. We have a SAHD in the neighborhood that I arrange playdates with. Esp, with your nurturing and caring personality, everything should be pretty natural

[DrSally]

Also, having read the full thread noe, I don't do drop off playdates for preschool age. As for when that time arrives, it totally depends on your comfort level and relationship with the other parents. I'm completely fine with sending my kids over to the SAHD's house when he's the only adult home ( as he is with me), but I think it goes on a case by case basis with your comfort level.