I'm so over my mom right now

[arivecchi]

I am so tired of my mom finding excuses not to travel and see us. First, it was work. Then, she could not leave my adult sister alone at home. Now she's retired but she has to help her mom deal with her dad. When we visit, she takes off to see her loser boyfriend or needs to run all sorts of stupid errands that apparently cannot wait until we leave. It sucks that we are always at the bottom of the priority list and I really resent it - especially now that I'm a mom myself and cannot dream acting the way she acts.

We ask for help this one time (first time since DS - who is 6 - has been around) because my DH is travelling again for another week and she had mentioned that she wanted to come see the kids, but she can't do it. It's not a convenient week.

Over it.

Dear mom -

Don't complain when the kids show a clear preference for their other grandparents who bend over backwards to have a great relationship with them.

You've earned it absentee grandparent. Hope you don't regret it when it's too late (which it probably is already).

P.S. Don't expect anything for MD either.

--------------------------

Sorry for the vent. I'm steaming mad right now.

[georgiegirl]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. It is her loss. It saddens me when grandparents have little interest in seeing their kids and grand kids.

[mommylamb]

:( I'm sorry.

[hellokitty]

Ugh, I can totally relate. We have similar issues with my dad and my mil. Both are also the jealous types and always think that my kids like the other grandparents better and blame it on dh and I for not bringing the kids to them often enough, when it is not us that are the problem, but they are the ones who always act unavailable (and yes, both sets are retired, so they can't even use work as an excuse anymore). It is no wonder that my kids prefer my mom and my fil, who are the more, "normal" grandparents and the kids think that my dad and mil are both weird. I don't say anything, since the kids aren't dumb, they have obviously figured it out. The sad part is that my expectations are so low, that nothing even surprises me anymore and when they constantly cancel on us or refuse to come to things we invite them to, I just pretty much assume before they answer, that they will not bother coming. I do feel sad for my kids though that they don't have more involved grandparents, but yeah, like other pp's have said, I remind myself that it's the grandparents' loss.

[elektra]

Lame. That really sucks. I am so sorry.

[arivecchi]

It just amazes me that she opts to stay with people that she sees 365 days a year instead of visiting us. I should just formally cut things off to make things official. Pretending to be a grandparent through facebook is pure and utter BS. As if viewing and commenting on their pictures were enough. She just always falls short so maybe I should just lower my expectations to zero and move on.

[mommylamb]

I'm glad your kids have the other grandparents in their lives to fill that spot as much as possible.

It also just sucks that she's not supporting you when she could be. It's not just about the relationship with them, but also being there to support you when you need her. When DH went to England in March, it was a godsend having my mom come up. I have so much respect for single moms. I just can't do it alone at all.

[Mermanaid]

I'm sorry. Her behavior is hurtful for you and the kids and it sucks.

[marymoo86]

I'm so sorry! I agree with another poster than said it is so hard to understand how a mom can act that way toward her daughter and grandkids!

[KpbS]

That really, truly stinks. I am so sorry. I would lower my expectations to zero until she shows a genuine interest. :(. How awesome that your DH's parents are so involved and supportive. :grouphug:

[niccig]

Sing it sister.

My mum does the exact same thing. They haven't called us since my birthday in November. I have to do all the calling and the visiting. Phones and planes are not just one-way!

We're visiting over the summer and DH is annoyed as they said they'll come in early Sept. I told him they won't come, they talk about coming but they never do. We used air miles for DS and I. DH is staying home, so we can go as family to his parents later in summer.

We'll get there and we won't see them as they will spend their entire time doing other things, then the night before, my mum will say "You didn't stay for long enough." I know she does this because she can't cope with us living so far away, so she keeps us at arms length to protect herself. I've told her that it's backfiring, DS doesn't know her at all, and she has to find a way to cope with the emotions. I'm resigned to her not being able to do it, as emotionally she's not very mature. There is no way she'll see a therapist to help her work it out either.

So here's my advice part - my older sister calls ever 2-3 weeks for a chat. She doesn't expect anything else from my parents saying you can't expect them to give what they can not give. Since I've been doing that, it is getting easier to deal with.

[crl]

:hug: That's pretty much my in-laws. Ds is nine and when they said they were coming to see us for a weekend he totally didn't believe it and wasn't surprised at all when they went to wine country the last day instead of spending the day with us. No wonder ds always asks about my parents, and not the ILs.

Plus, my ILs will agree to help and then back out at the last minute. And dh doesn't understand why I won't ever ask them to help. Sigh.

Oh wait, this was someone else's bp.

Catherine

[Beth24]

I'm so sorry. That really sucks.

[larig]

:grouphug: that's a case of messed up priorities, for sure!

[TwinFoxes]

I'm so sorry.:hug: I just can't fathom that sort of attitude. :hug:

[mctlaw]

I'm sorry, that really stinks. My parents don't do quite that, but are annoying in related ways so I think I get it. :hug:

[oneplustwo]

:grouphug:

There is nothing that will take away the hurt she is causing you, but as much as you can, try to focus on the people who do dote on your kids and on you.

[queenmama]

Dear mom -

Don't complain when the kids show a clear preference for their other grandparents who bend over backwards to have a great relationship with them.

You've earned it absentee grandparent. Hope you don't regret it when it's too late (which it probably is already).

P.S. Don't expect anything for MD either.


My sister and I could have written this. I'm sorry your mom also sucks. :(

Lara

[MontrealMum]

:hug: I'm so sorry.

I've lowered my expectations to 0 for my dad. If he steps up, then it's a bonus, but if he doesn't, then I'm not angry or ticked off. Unfortunately, he does enough (mostly buys junky stuff) that DS still thinks he's great and I worry that he'll be disappointed :(

[theriviera]

I'm sorry, that really sucks. :hug:

I'm in the same boat with the ILs and they live close enough for a day trip. It's really sad.

[Mopey]

:hug: That's pretty much my in-laws.

Oh wait, this was someone else's bp.

Catherine

:hysterical: I was just thinking.....sing it sister, but she doesn't nned to hear more crap about my ILs :)

:hug: to you OP. It sucks and is hard. But it's also true that once you master that no-expectation thing, it gets better.

[mom3boys]

So sorry. My Dad has never been to any of my homes since I moved out of the house at 22. That is almost 16 years ago. We live a few hours drive. You'd think in 16 years he could have found 1 time to come, like, say, when any one of his 3 grandchildren were born, or when my brother and Mom came for Christmas (my parents are married to each other) but he couldn't (also did not want to leave my adult sister, who lives at home).

I agree with PP, now that I have no expectations, I don't have much disappointment. Luckily my Mom is wonderful and has come multiple times to help with kids or just to see them. My ILs are also good about coming (and I like them to come) even though it requires a plane trip for them.

Oops sorry, stole some of your b*&tch! But, just know that you are not alone. I don't know what some parents are thinking. My mom frequently tells me she wishes she could see her grandkids all the time, I guess I just expect other grandparents to be like that, but they're not.

[arivecchi]

My mom frequently tells me she wishes she could see her grandkids all the time, I guess I just expect other grandparents to be like that, but they're not. This is exactly it. I see how other grandmothers behave and I don't get it. Many of my friends' moms will come over for long periods of time to see their grandkids here in the US, they come for their births, they visit often. Some even move here to be closer to their grandkids. My mom does not fit that mold at all. She comes at times, but when it is convenient for her and for a week max. She's always adamant that she must go back quickly. It sucks. She always makes me feel like we are truly her last priority and I know she will regret it when the kids want nothing to do with her. And I won't blame them.

[Kira's Mommy]

So sorry, I too can relate.

I have to beg my mom to visit from Europe. She would not visit for years. She refuses because she feels home sick in Canada during her 2 weeks long trips. Really? Whatever.

Hugs, I know it hurts, especially when you're a mom yourself, and especially when you see "normal" grandparents.