Another serving of a crappy mother's day, coming right up!

[hellokitty]

I know that this is a selfish vent, and there are those of you who are really missing your moms and wish you could spend time with them. We are the only adult children on both sides of the family that still live in state. Thus we are literally ditched with the obligation to physically see both sets of parents on, "big" holidays (xmas, thanksgiving, easter, july 4, etc.), which of course also include mother's day and father's day. Some back history, I am ok with my mom (not close, but ok), not ok with my dad, if it weren't for my mom, I would have cut off ties with him already, I've never met such a big jerk before, and I've met more than my fair share of jerks. I'm obviously not ok with my mil (psycho), and ok with fil. So, there is at least one person on both sets of parents that is majorily dysfunctional with the combo of the enabling, "walk all over me" spouse, that I loathe spending any time with. Like, a wk leading up to having to see them, I am in a bad mood and dreading it. As you can imagine, I am currently in that funk.

I have been resentful in the past 9 yrs of being a mom that I never getting mother's day. It is all about doing something for my mom or my mil, not me. Guess who is in charge of coming up with stuff to do for them, ME, grrrr! The last two yrs, DH decided to go GOLFING on MD, and ditched me with the kids both times, thinking that making me a breakfast was, "mother's day." This yr, I thought I had figured out it. On Sat, we'd take my parents out for lunch as mother's day, on Sunday, I was going to send dh and the boys to hang out with mil and take her out for a meal (both sets live one hr away in opposite directions). She won't miss me, although I am sure she will make some snide comment about my absence. All she really cares about is seeing her son and my kids. So, I thought that this would be a happy medium. I'd actually get some time to myself on mother's day and NOT have to spend time with psycho mil (who is at her all time worst right now, fil is visiting korea for 2 mo, so mil has been calling us at least a dozen times a wk over stupid crap, even my dh has gotten annoyed with her and he tolerates her a lot). Of course, as usual, DH is guilting me for being, a, "horrible" dil, for not wanting to spend mother's day with his mom. Then he said that if I didn't have to go to spend MD with his mom, then he shouldn't have to go spend MD with my parents either on Saturday. WTF? I told him if his mother wasn't such a horrible mil, maybe I wouldn't mind spending time with her. Also, he only wants to do dinner with his mom, not spend more time with her, b/c she said she wants to go to church and have lunch there afterward (I love how her church always come ahead of her family). So, now it will be a big rush for dh to take the kids to take mil out to dinner, and then rush home to get the kids to bed, since it is a school night, instead of doing lunch with her and hanging out and not being all grouchy and in a rush in the evening.

My brothers and bil get a PASS on all of this crap. They all live OOS and a simple phone call and card/gift is all they are obligated to do. However, if we don't physically see both sets of parents for all of these holidays, then we get guilted over it. Not to mention, my dh is on call quite often, it's a major PITA and we always get guilted, if heaven forbid, they have to drive an hr to visit us when he is on call (so if any of you are thinking that we benefit from living closer to our parents for free babysitting and stuff, you are wrong, my mil doesn't help out at all, my mom helps out a couple times a yr for a few hrs if my dad lets her). My sils all get MD to themselves, while I feel completely robbed of MD. I know it's a stupid hallmark holiday, I know. However, it's just knowing that somehow I don't count as much, that pisses me off and also DH routinely falling back into his mama's boy ways every yr around this time and me being thrown under the bus for his mom. It's not about stuff either, I don't want him to buy me anything and he knows that. I'm just ticked that I can't even get half a day to myself. I know he will just tell me to, "go somewhere" if I want time away from the kids. I hate that, why can't I stay at my own house and HE take the kids somewhere???? Is that too much to ask? I have to do that stuff all the time on my own!!!

[mom2khj]

I could've written your post. I'm not a fan of the day at all.

[BunnyBee]

I think I would tell them all to go fly a kite. Drop cards in the mail and book a hotel and spa day for yourself on Sunday. You can't make anyone else change, but you can change how you react to them and act yourself. Take charge! Carpe diem!

[Still-in-Shock]

I think I would tell them all to go fly a kite. Drop cards in the mail and book a hotel and spa day for yourself on Sunday. You can't make anyone else change, but you can change how you react to them and act yourself. Take charge! Carpe diem!

I like this idea.

But if you are not ready for this, why not do a version of what your husband suggests? Go to your mom with your kids on Sat, and send him to his mom on Sunday. If he only wants to spend dinner with his mom, that's her problem, not yours.

I would also tell him that this is YOUR Mother's Day, and that after the lovely breakfast he is planning, you would like some time to yourself, so clear out by 1 PM!

You might need to think about what you will do for Father's Day now. Can you get away with just sending your father a card? IF not, have your DH take the kids to see him that day, and you can spend the Saturday with his dad! And make sure you do as much or as little for Father's Day for your husband as he does for you.

Fortunately, this is just a temporary situation.

[Ceepa]

HK, see your parents on Saturday with your kids. If Dh bows out, whatever. The next day let him deal with his parents and if that means telling his mom he'll come for dinner and dealing with the kids afterwards that's all on him.

The bottom line is someone is going to be unhappy. Someone always is. You have spent too many years being that one for the sake of everyone else. It can be DH's turn. I'm not saying he's not going to be passive-aggressive about he whole thing through the weekend and beyond, but you gotta put your foot down sometime, right?

You came up with a reasonable approach to the weekend. Sorry it's not working out that way.

[queenmama]

I truly mean no offense, HK, and I know this is the BP so take this advice or leave it, but why do you let them guilt you? I'm sorry, but screw them. You're a mother too, dammit! You should get to enjoy the day, and if being with them means NOT enjoying the day, skip it and stay home or go do your own thing.

Sorry, I'm a little sensitive on this topic, too. My own mother is super selfish (she hasn't acknowledged DS' birthday or Christmas for several years and didn't bother sending so much as a text on DD's first birthday last month), so I have no problem ignoring her on MD. When DH works on MD I don't make a point to see MIL, even though I do love her. He gives her a card (which I also sign) and a gift from our family.

Last year DH was off work. Guess what he did? He took DS to see The Avengers. On Mother's Day. And left me alone and exhausted with a 2-week-old baby. What a winner I picked!

Hooray for MD!

Lara

[hellokitty]

I truly mean no offense, HK, and I know this is the BP so take this advice or leave it, but why do you let them guilt you? I'm sorry, but screw them. You're a mother too, dammit! You should get to enjoy the day, and if being with them means NOT enjoying the day, skip it and stay home or go do your own thing.

Sorry, I'm a little sensitive on this topic, too. My own mother is super selfish (she hasn't acknowledged DS' birthday or Christmas for several years and didn't bother sending so much as a text on DD's first birthday last month), so I have no problem ignoring her on MD. When DH works on MD I don't make a point to see MIL, even though I do love her. He gives her a card (which I also sign) and a gift from our family.

Last year DH was off work. Guess what he did? He took DS to see The Avengers. On Mother's Day. And left me alone and exhausted with a 2-week-old baby. What a winner I picked!

Hooray for MD!

Lara

Both sets are Asian. Guilting is how the culture operates. I'm more annoyed with how manipulative they're being than the guilting itself. I'm used to it and usually just let it brush off my back. However, I am very annoyed that the burden falls totally on our shoulders on both sides. Not just for MD and FD, but for everything. We cannot even seem to move away from them. Dh has been job hunting for a yr with a few interviews, but no offers. This is why all of our siblings moved away (bil even moved out of the country for a few yrs and one reason was due to mil) and I just am sick of having been ditched with this. I always tell my brothers I hope that my parents will move closer to one of them so we can share some of the misery instead of dh and I bring stuck with 90% of it from frickin both sides. My mil bought a condo a few miles from her house last yr and I just about cried. After all the bitching about the weather, we thought for sure she'd attempt to retire somewhere down south, bil even invited her and took her condo shopping, but she insisted on looking at condos out of her price range (i think she wanted bil yo buy her a condo) and then insisted that it wouldn't work out. Dh says this is her way of telling us he expects us to take care of her, which just sucks balls. We already have been doing this for 10 yrs and it will just get worse as both sets get older, ugh. Sorry to dump on you, this is obviously more than just a Mother's Day issue. It's dysfunctional family on both sides issue that I hate dealing with and constantly having that hanging over my head.

[Still-in-Shock]

HUGS.
I come from a guilt-ridden culture as well. Sending you positive thoughts, and hoping this weekend goes very fast for you - except when you are just with your kids!

[KpbS]

Oh man, that's bad. If only you could schedule them both to come to see you on Saturday--take them both out to brunch together(!) for one heck of a good time, lol and be D.O.N.E. with it all by Sat. afternoon...

That way you can have Sunday with just your immediate family...or DH could take all 3 of your DS mini golfing and give you a break!

Super big hugs. :hug:

[georgiegirl]

I'm so sorry. That just sucks. I like the idea of you taking the kids to see your mom on Sunday (and let DH stay home so you have an excuse not to see your MIL the next day.). Then on Sunday, after making you a nice breakfast, he takes the kids to see his MIL and you get a massage and pedicure at the spa.

I really hope your DH finds a job far away so you can move away from the your families.

Mother's Day sucked last year for me, and now the ILs moved here, so it will suck for the rest of my life. Blah.

[OKKiddo]

STOP! Stop putting others "needs" before your own. It's ok to be selfish here and there when you need to be and right now you NEED to be. I really don't consider Mother's Day to be as big and important about spending time with family as say Christmas or Thanksgiving. So I really think it's ok to just have your children do a craft, get a gift, give a card and take it over before Mother's Day. Explain that your DH and children have planned out a special something for YOU for Mother's Day and you don't want to hurt their feelings by derailing their plans. I think doing that would be more than enough. Take back time for yourself and stop feeling obligated to give up all of the time that you're entitled to with your own family. If it still really bugs you then you can do alternate holiday years where you spend time with your mother's and years where you get to do something for you.

I'd also lend out/hide DH's keys and golf clubs so that he's honoring you on Mother's Day. :)

[OKKiddo]

I like this idea.

But if you are not ready for this, why not do a version of what your husband suggests? Go to your mom with your kids on Sat, and send him to his mom on Sunday. If he only wants to spend dinner with his mom, that's her problem, not yours.

I would also tell him that this is YOUR Mother's Day, and that after the lovely breakfast he is planning, you would like some time to yourself, so clear out by 1 PM!

You might need to think about what you will do for Father's Day now. Can you get away with just sending your father a card? IF not, have your DH take the kids to see him that day, and you can spend the Saturday with his dad! And make sure you do as much or as little for Father's Day for your husband as he does for you.

Fortunately, this is just a temporary situation.

Exactly! Don't let them make you feel bad for needing time for your own family, you DESERVE that time for yourself!

[hellokitty]

Oh man, that's bad. If only you could schedule them both to come to see you on Saturday--take them both out to brunch together(!) for one heck of a good time, lol and be D.O.N.E. with it all by Sat. afternoon...

That way you can have Sunday with just your immediate family...or DH could take all 3 of your DS mini golfing and give you a break!

Super big hugs. :hug:

I wish. I have tried to plan this sort of thing before to get it all over with at the same time, but of course they have to be difficult. Mil acts like an invalid and since fil is out of the country, will refuse to drive to our place on her own (she is not frail, she just THINKS she is frail). It is ridiculous, you hop on the freeway and then our house is pretty close to one of the exits, not difficult at all. My 7 and 9 yr old could probably tell en route how to get from our place to hers. My dad is anti-social and if I try to invite them (nevermind that this is for mother's day, these type of ppl make every get together about them, not other ppl), he refuses to come over, since he doesn't want to behave himself in front of my in laws. I actually LIKE when my in laws and parents are together, b/c that is the only time they behave themselves, keeping one another in check and staying out of my hair. They suck, my one brother has said, "They make it so difficult to be nice to them." This is exactly how I feel. Everything has to be difficult, whatever we do, it's never good enough or not the way they want it done, I know it will just keep getting worse as they continue to age and yeah, my tolerance has gotten worse and worse, I'm just tired of it.

Since DH does happen to be off this entire wknd (rare, usually he might have only one day not on call), we will see my parents and he can see his mom. Next yr, I am making sure he is on call and I'm not going out of my way. I can't believe it is easier to just have him be on call to avoid this crap.

Oh and I don't think DH will ever leave this job unless forced to. The hospital is supposed to make a, "big announcement" in a few wks (which I think is a lie, they were supposed to make a big announcement at the end of March and never did), so we will hopefully find out if his job is stable or not. However, he is too comfortable here (problem with his job search is that his pay req is now too high, and a lot of these openings are looking for new grads to hire for cheap), we will be stuck with both sets of parents forever and none of our sibs have any desire to move back, my one brother flat out told my parents (when they asked) that he doesn't want them to move to his city. My parents are pissed that none of us moved to CA, since that is where they wanted to retire at and we keep telling them to just GO, instead of blaming us for ruining it (so instead, they will just rot here instead of doing something about it). My mil is one of those ppl who WANTS to be miserable. I'd like to send her off to live on her own planet, with my dad, so they can make each other miserable, the same planet I would send Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh to.

[Still-in-Shock]

You already have this Mother's Day sorted out, but in the future, can you do something with just your Mom? You'll still have to figure out what to do about Father's day, but at least you could have one less unpleasant person to deal with on YOUR day.

[OKKiddo]

I'd like to send her off to live on her own planet, with my dad, so they can make each other miserable, the same planet I would send Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh to.

I hear they're taking applications for Mars--maybe fill one out for them? ;) Hugs for you for putting up with their nonsense.

[Clarity]

STOP! Stop putting others "needs" before your own. It's ok to be selfish here and there when you need to be and right now you NEED to be. I really don't consider Mother's Day to be as big and important about spending time with family as say Christmas or Thanksgiving. So I really think it's ok to just have your children do a craft, get a gift, give a card and take it over before Mother's Day. Explain that your DH and children have planned out a special something for YOU for Mother's Day and you don't want to hurt their feelings by derailing their plans. I think doing that would be more than enough. Take back time for yourself and stop feeling obligated to give up all of the time that you're entitled to with your own family. If it still really bugs you then you can do alternate holiday years where you spend time with your mother's and years where you get to do something for you.

I'd also lend out/hide DH's keys and golf clubs so that he's honoring you on Mother's Day. :)

:yeahthat: Mother's Day is for ME unless I choose to share it with our mothers. I am the only one of the three of us actively mothering children so while I make sure they are honored (a card, flowers, spending time with them on an "honorary MD weekend", etc.) I get to really choose what we do for MD. Now, last year I invited our mother's to come to our home and I made them dinner/dessert, etc. but that was my idea.
I would tell your dh that YOUR md request is that he join you on Saturday - since Sunday is about his mom, not you.

[Still-in-Shock]

:yeahthat: I am the only one of the three of us actively mothering children so while I make sure they are honored (a card, flowers, spending time with them on an "honorary MD weekend", etc.) I get to really choose what we do for MD.
:bighand::bighand::bighand:

[arivecchi]

Oh man, that sucks. I used to feel all that resentment too until I got fed up and told DH it was MY turn to celebrate my way. His mom and my mom have had many years to celebrate MD their way. Now it's my turn. Surprisingly enough, it worked pretty quickly! If he wants to go see his mom for a bit, he can, but the weekend is now mine. Bwahahaha.

Don't let him guilt you into this. There is really no excuse here - I have a great MIL and I am still being selfish about MY day. Let him deal with his mom and ENJOY your day!

:hug::hug:

[brittone2]

I rarely get to celebrate my way. It is usually about MIL or my mom; I'm mostly okay with that, but it does sometimes get old.

This year DH got me a GC to spend two nights at a B&B in a charming little town by myself. And I cannot freaking wait :love-retry: (that probably sounds bad but I haven't been away overnight from all of my kids simultaneously EVER). Can you book yourself some self-indulgent time? Wanna fly to the east coast and join me?? :kisscheek: I'm taking a bottle of wine, some good books, and other than that, no plans at all other than directions to some of the shopping I want to do, if I feel like it.

I entertain the extended family for nearly all holidays-prep, cooking, cleanup, shopping, etc. Dh is a great, huge, awesome help, but it will be fantastic to not spend the day worrying about pleasing other people.

Book yourself a weekend getaway or some spa time or something. Perfect excuse to get away and no obligation to anyone else!

[AJP]

Bitch away! This is my least favorite "holiday". I am the one shuttling kids around to make sure both grandmothers get to see them on Mother's Day. My DH will be working and I'll get some flowers and spend the rest of the day driving around. Both my mom & MIL will say things to make me feel guilty about leaving to see the other. I can't stand it. I refuse to do a meal out on the actual day anymore. We were in the restaurant biz and it is the worst day to eat out after valentines day IMHO. I feel like Mother's Day always creeps up and I never have enough time to plan how to keep both mind happy while I get to forget I'm a mom too!

[hellokitty]

Thanks guys, it helps to hear that many of you have had similar issues.

[dogmom]

You know, I hear there is a spring flu going around. Quite nasty, need to spend the whole day in bed, I think you might start to feel the symptoms on Saturday evening. I'm sure you will be over it by Monday morning.