Mother's Day Mess

[crayonblue]

For Mother's Day I asked DH to take the girls to church and let me stay home for a couple of hours of silence. DH has been gone for months now, traveling during the week, home for the weekend and I have been running on empty. Also, this is both a happy and sad day for me and so many people I know. Happy cause I have two wonderful girls but sad because Carmen is no longer here. And sad because our lives are a mess right now.

We moved from MD to CA two years ago to start over after losing DD2. We LOVED our first year out here. Best decision ever. The second year has been a nightmare. I don't want to get into specifics but I can say that part of DH's family moved out here and it has gone horribly. We didn't realize that there was significant mental health issues and that our world would be turned upside down trying to deal with them. It has gotten to the point where we have said we cannot be around them. Half of DH's family is in complete support and the other half absolutely disagrees with us and has spent months trying to convince us that we are wrong and that we need to go back to being one big happy family (even though we never were...the issues were just hidden).

So here I am on Mother's Day, wondering what the heck we are doing and how we got here and wishing so much that we could go back a year.

DH has been seeing a counselor who specializes in the mental illness we think several of DH's family members have, to try to figure out what to do and the counselor said we have two options 1) go back to the status quo or 2) suffer the consequences of loss.

Those are both horrible options. The status quo would be going back to dealing with a person(s) with significant dysfunction who has no interest whatsoever in getting help and who every interaction with was total utter chaos. Suffering the consequences involves losing very important relationships with family members who we love but who cannot see the problems with the dysfunctional person. It also involves leaving our church, schools, neighborhood, friends etc. as the dysfunctional person is now a part of all of that.

For those of you who pray, can you pray for us? That we will know what to do from here on out. DH and I are growing closer as we deal with these issues and also wrestle with our own issues and very strong tendencies towards codependency. But, we are heartbroken over how this has all turned out.

[DietCokeLover]

Praying for you Lana.

[crayonblue]

Praying for you Lana.

Thank you.

[hellokitty]

:hug: I'm so sorry that there are family members with such bad mental issues that it has negatively affected you and your family. I don't pray, but I will think positive thoughts for you and in a way, I have some similar experienced dealing with two particular family members, so I have sympathy for what you are going through and the feeling that it was a mistake to move closer to family. I hope it gets better for you.

[crayonblue]

:hug: I'm so sorry that there are family members with such bad mental issues that it has negatively affected you and your family. I don't pray, but I will think positive thoughts for you and in a way, I have some similar experienced dealing with two particular family members, so I have sympathy for what you are going through and the feeling that it was a mistake to move closer to family. I hope it gets better for you.

Thank you.

[kdeunc]

Lana, I prayed for you often as I followed the story of your sweet Carmen. I will pray that your family finds the peace you so need. :hug:

[boogiemomz]

So sorry for your struggles and the lose-lose decision you face. Praying for you. :hug:

[WatchingThemGrow]

I'll be praying for you!

[KpbS]

Praying for you as your navigate these tricky situations that you may have clear guidance about the future and peace. :hug:

[jgenie]

Lana - I'm sorry to hear your going through a tough time. Your family will continue to be in my prayers. I pray you find the clarity you need. :hug:

[wencit]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Thinking of you and your family and hoping for brighter days ahead.

:hug:

[megs4413]

Lots of love and prayers, Lana! We were in a similar spot a couple years ago and as you know, we chose to move 600 miles away to TX. There's a lot across from me still available! ;)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through!

[fedoragirl]

I'll keep you in my prayers as you certainly need guidance for these decisions. What trying times for you.

[amandabea]

Will keep you in my prayers.

[Ceepa]

Your family remains in my prayers. I'm sorry to hear of your recent struggles. I understand how family dysfunction can color the rest of your world. It's easy to lose yourself while trying to be supportive to those who are not helping themselves.


DH has been seeing a counselor who specializes in the mental illness we think several of DH's family members have, to try to figure out what to do and the counselor said we have two options 1) go back to the status quo or 2) suffer the consequences of loss.


Maybe look at the "loss" as losing the unhealthy ways of relating to family and the creation of new ways. Continue taking it to prayer and trust we can't always see how things are going to play out. :hug:

[bigpassport]

:hug: Praying for you.

[liz]

Prayers for your family :hug:

[ellies mom]

Wow. I'm sorry you are dealing with these issue. :hug:

Mental illness is hard. Sometimes you need to protect you and your family even if others don't get it. My MIL has an undiagnosed mental illness. We live 600 miles away so we don't deal with it on a daily basis and honestly, I'm relieved. I can't imagine trying to deal with it up close and personal.

[Still-in-Shock]

:hug: You are doing all the right things; the next right thing will become apparent in due time. P&PT on their way.

[Tea4two]

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. It sounds really tough. Prayers for all.

[Roleysmom]

:hug: You are doing all the right things; the next right thing will become apparent in due time. P&PT on their way.

So well said!

I am thinking of you and your family.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm very sorry to read this. I'll be praying for you to receive guidance. It's such a difficult choice.

[crl]

Praying for you and your family.

Catherine

[wendmatt]

What horrible decisions you have to make. I am so sorry. PT for your peace.

[ShanaMama]

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I hope things improve, somehow. May you have the wisdom to make the difficult decisions you face. Is there any way to make things less black & white? Like dealing with these family members only with certai boundaries in place (which is still a loss of sorts) as opposed to completely cutting off contact, if that's what you're contemplating?

[MamaMolly]

Hugs and praying for you. I'm so sorry it is falling apart.

[Kindra178]

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I hope things improve, somehow. May you have the wisdom to make the difficult decisions you face. Is there any way to make things less black & white? Like dealing with these family members only with certai boundaries in place (which is still a loss of sorts) as opposed to completely cutting off contact, if that's what you're contemplating?

I like this advice. Maybe look for a middle road? Hopefully you will get clarity soon. Will be praying for you all.

[trales]

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[mommy111]

You are in our thoughts

[crayonblue]

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I hope things improve, somehow. May you have the wisdom to make the difficult decisions you face. Is there any way to make things less black & white? Like dealing with these family members only with certai boundaries in place (which is still a loss of sorts) as opposed to completely cutting off contact, if that's what you're contemplating?

We are hoping we can figure out a middle ground. So far, we've struggled with getting run over in most interactions despite trying to establish boundaries and it's exhausting. But, yes, we are really going to try to reach some sort of murky middle that will be tolerable.

[crayonblue]

:hug: You are doing all the right things; the next right thing will become apparent in due time. P&PT on their way.

Thank you. You are right.

[crayonblue]

Your family remains in my prayers. I'm sorry to hear of your recent struggles. I understand how family dysfunction can color the rest of your world. It's easy to lose yourself while trying to be supportive to those who are not helping themselves.



Maybe look at the "loss" as losing the unhealthy ways of relating to family and the creation of new ways. Continue taking it to prayer and trust we can't always see how things are going to play out. :hug:

Great advice. Thank you.

[crayonblue]

Thanks for all the encouragement, guys. This sucks. :(

Among family members on both sides we have always been the neutral ones, the ones everyone got along with. We figured out this year that what we have done in the past is just let everything go and not stand up for ourselves. We've been doing that for years. So, we may be swinging too far the other direction. Meaning, we may be going from passive to aggressive rather than assertive. We keep praying that we figure out the best way to handle this mess.

[lovin2shop]

I'm so sorry, mental health issues are so hard, and there is often no "right" way to handle them. You just have to do the best you can and keep plodding through. Praying for you, and I hope that things get better soon.

[elephantmeg]

praying for you, I'm sorry things are so rough!

[wendibird22]

Ugh I am so sorry for you. It's so hard when any option appears to you to be lose-lose. I hope that as you and DH continue to explore your options together the right answer for YOUR family will be illuminated and that whatever your decision you find peace with it.

[gatorsmom]

Praying for you and your family.

[g-mama]

Praying for you, Lana.

[maestramommy]

Oh I am so sorry. :hug: Praying for you.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm so sorry! My prayers are with you.

[brittone2]

I'm sorry.

We've had to set boundaries and limits with ILs (when had a bad spell, but that relationship is now thriving years later. No significant issues, and we now live relatively close to the ILs again) years ago, and for a while with some of my siblings (currently congenial, but I can only get so involved, iykwim).

It is difficult.

I wish you strength and peace as you make these decisions.

[AngelaS]

Praying for you Lana!

[ShanaMama]

We are hoping we can figure out a middle ground. So far, we've struggled with getting run over in most interactions despite trying to establish boundaries and it's exhausting. But, yes, we are really going to try to reach some sort of murky middle that will be tolerable.

Ya know, you sometimes have to go to the other extreme before you can find the middle ground, especially if these people won't respect your boundaries. Like you said down thread, you might actually need to be aggressive until they get the message & then you can find a sweet spot of assertiveness. There's no simple solution, unfortunately.

[bisous]

I'm sorry crayonblue. I hope you are able to find an answer that feels right. Sending prayers during this tough time. Here's to a GOOD year and a good solution for your family!