Am I out of line? Update in post #23

[psimpson3-5]

So Mother's Day happened to fall on DH's birthday this year. DH has a bad history of not surprising me and/or not really giving a "surprise." DH typically gives me something I need that I pick out for myself, like a GC for clothing or shoes for example. Sometimes we'll go out to dinner for a special event, no real "gift" given. He also hardly ever gives me a card for anything.

Last year - my first mother's day - DH didn't do anything. I was hoping, even though I knew he'd probably do nothing, that he would come through and do something nice for me. Well, I got nothing. In fact, I didn't even hear him say "happy mother's day." I finally after dinner confronted him about it. He claims he said it immediately after I wished him a happy birthday first thing in the morning. I heard him thank me and nothing more. He claims he'll do something for me in the future since yesterday was his birthday. I'm really disappointed and frustrated. :cry: Many of my friends and family sent me texts and called, but I felt as though I got no love at home. Am I out of line? It was his birthday after all.

Please note that we did something special for his birthday last Saturday. We went on a tour of Philadelphia's Italian market. He was given a birthday cake at the end of the tour from a very famous bakery. It was decorated for him in front of everyone. I also bought him 2 pairs of Land's End dress pants he needed for work.

[Blue Hydrangea]

Is he aware of what you're expecting? I ask because perhaps gift giving is just not his love language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ If it's not, you'll need to adjust what you expect from him. And yes, it would probably be irritating to say to DH a few days before "Mother's Day is this weekend, and it would really mean a lot to me if you would suprise me with something special." But if he's not a natural gift giver, he'll need the "training wheels" to meet your expectations. Which would probably less annoying than being irritated and resentful that he didn't do anything at all.

[wellyes]

I personally think of Mother's Day as something between mother and child not husband and wife. When the kids are older he will have to be a big part of helping them, but in my mind, the important Mother's Day greeting for him to give this year was to his own mom, not you, if that makes sense.

[twowhat?]

Is he aware of what you're expecting? I ask because perhaps gift giving is just not his love language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ If it's not, you'll need to adjust what you expect from him. And yes, it would probably be irritating to say to DH a few days before "Mother's Day is this weekend, and it would really mean a lot to me if you would suprise me with something special." But if he's not a natural gift giver, he'll need the "training wheels" to meet your expectations. Which would probably less annoying than being irritated and resentful that he didn't do anything at all.

:yeahthat: and also agree that while it would royally suck to have to say "What I would really love for Mother's Day is for you to acknowledge me, get me a card, etc", that's the only way he'll know what it is that you want. Sorry your Mother's Day was disappointing:(

[hillview]

can you chose to celebrate mother's day on another day so you each get "your" day?

[Clarity]

I heard him thank me and nothing more. He claims he'll do something for me in the future since yesterday was his birthday. I'm really disappointed and frustrated. :cry: Many of my friends and family sent me texts and called, but I felt as though I got no love at home. Am I out of line? It was his birthday after all.

Please note that we did something special for his birthday last Saturday. We went on a tour of Philadelphia's Italian market. He was given a birthday cake at the end of the tour from a very famous bakery. It was decorated for him in front of everyone. I also bought him 2 pairs of Land's End dress pants he needed for work.


You are not out of line. If you've given birth to his child, he can appreciate all you do to for your child. That said, Mother's Day is just a day, you can choose any day to celebrate it, just like you did his bday. Tell him that you'd like to go to dinner on X day to celebrate Mother's Day and that cards are on clearance today at the store. ;)

[AnnieW625]

Is he aware of what you're expecting? I ask because perhaps gift giving is just not his love language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ If it's not, you'll need to adjust what you expect from him. And yes, it would probably be irritating to say to DH a few days before "Mother's Day is this weekend, and it would really mean a lot to me if you would suprise me with something special." But if he's not a natural gift giver, he'll need the "training wheels" to meet your expectations. Which would probably less annoying than being irritated and resentful that he didn't do anything at all.

:yeahthat: My DH is a horrible gift giver. Mother's Day IMHO gets better when the kids get older, and make you sentimental stuff. I got a $25 Amex gift card this year, and DD1 decided I needed to go to a local theme park (not Disneyland) and low and behold I had a good time. I have simply learned not to set my expectations too high. I know my DH loves me and we are thankful for our kids and each other and that is all that matters.

[Fairy]

The whole exchange doesn't seem warm at all to me. Just saying happy mother's day? He says, that he said it? That's the extent of it? For me, I had a low key mother's day. I was pretty happy with that, I didn't want alot of foo foo this year. But to just say it (if he did what he claims) and not acknwoledge it at all the rest of the day? Cold, IMO. That's not how I think that holiday should be celebrated. No discussion before hand, even? Like, ya know, I notice Mothers' Day is on my Bday this year. How about we go out Saturday instead? Nothing like that? I think there should be more acknowledgment than that, personally. I can't relate to that at all. I'm sorry you didn't get more by way of that. It's not the stuff, it's the approach and acknowlegment of the day.

[lalasmama]

I have to second (third?) the recommendation for The 5 Love Languages (they have a website, you can get it on Kindle, or buy the book at most any book store--and there's a whole series of books). Helped me realize that while I thought SO needed to feel loved--gifts, physical affection of the adult variety--wasn't what my SO needed, but what my had XH needed. No wonder SO was fishing for compliments and always asking for back rubs--his love languages were physical touch (not of the adult variety, just a back rub or a foot rub) and compliments of how well he takes care of DD and I, and how well he shows his love for us. So, I thought I was showing my love by always being "available", and by giving gifts whenever I thought about him, and he wasn't feeling the love that he needed, because that wasn't what he needed to feel it. If it was all about me, I would totally give gifts to everyone to show my love for them. But, just because I feel loving while giving them doesn't mean "love" is what people are feeling by getting them.

All that said... with my SO, I need to tell him what I need/expect, and when I do that, we are both happier. He doesn't have to wonder or forget, and I don't end up feeling unloved or forgotten. I keep a rolling list of gift ideas on Amazon, and he has the password to look at that, and when there's something else I want, I point it out to him clearly when we are out--to the point of dragging him over to it, picking it up, putting it in front of his face, and saying, "I want this one."

For what it's worth, I was sorely disappointed my first 2 Mother's Days after my mom died (she'd celebrated me the years before). No one really recognised the day much, and no one helped DD do anything to celebrate me. From then on, I said, "Screw it," and started asking friends to take DD shopping for Mother's Day and my bday. Best.decision.ever! Friends gladly stepped up, DD was thrilled to go shopping for presents for me, and DD was excited to have something to give to me on my birthday and Mother's Day (I was a Mother's Day Birthday this year too). When SO and I became a couple, I let him know that I believed it was up to him to help DD shop for me for gift-appropriate holidays, and that I would appreciate him helping her pick something for Mother's Day. IMO, until a child is old enough to be making things at school for MD, and/or making cards, etc, a husband/baby-daddy should be helping the child celebrate thier mama on MD... just have to make sure SO/DH/baby-daddy is aware of that expectation!

[g-mama]

No, you're not out of line. It seems cold to me.

While Mothers Day is for celebrating our mothers, it is also a day that we celebrate all mothers. I was wished a Happy Mothers Day by many who were not my children - my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my friends, the restaurant server...

My husband treats me nicely on MD because I am the mother of his children and he views it as a day to honor and express his admiration for all that I do in that role. And to model and teach our children to show their appreciation for their mother. Just as I do for him on Fathers Day. Not that it's the *only* day he does those things, it's just the "formal" day.

[inmypjs]

I don't think you are out of line either. I would also be hurt and upset. I do agree that you need to talk with him about expectations though. I am also married to a man who, wonderful though he is, doesn't always know what to do on these special days. So we talked about it and that did help.

I would suggest in addition to telling him what you want, tell him why. Let him know that doing these things makes you feel loved, appreciated, and validated - and that when he doesn't do them you feel unloved and unappreciated. In my own marriage that kind of conversation goes much better, because honestly my DH never means to make me feel that way - we just have different languages. When he realizes the impact of doing or not doing something, he responds much better.

[wellyes]

Well, if his birthday was a week away from the actual day, is there any reason you can't have mother's day a week away (after) too?

I just caution you to be very clear with your DH about your expectations. You may think you shouldn't have to, but, communicating your wishes is better than the chronic disappoint it sound like you've been experiencing.

[Still-in-Shock]

He's still learning. And you're the one that has to teach him. He obviously doesn't know what you expected, so for future events, you will have to guide him. Like, "I was thinking that I would like to try that new restaurant for my birthday!" Or "I just saw the perfect necklace to go with the dress you like me in. But I don't have enough to buy it yet." Now these are openings for conversation, and if he doesn't respond with "Great idea, I'll make a reservation!", or "Show me a picture. I've been trying to figure out what to get you for our anniversary.", then you'll have to say more to make it more obvious.

[TwinFoxes]

While Mothers Day is for celebrating our mothers, it is also a day that we celebrate all mothers. I was wished a Happy Mothers Day by many who were not my children - my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my friends, the restaurant server...

My husband treats me nicely on MD because I am the mother of his children and he views it as a day to honor and express his admiration for all that I do in that role. And to model and teach our children to show their appreciation for their mother. Just as I do for him on Fathers Day. Not that it's the *only* day he does those things, it's just the "formal" day.

:yeahthat: I totally agree. We didn't do anything exciting yesterday, but the whole theme was "whatever you want" and "you deserve it". Just saying "happy Mother's Day" is kind of lame. Random people on the street said that to me yesterday!

[niccig]

I think you have to be upfront. If Mother's Day wasn't big in his house growing up, he won't care much about it.

It doesn't have to be a big deal. DH and DS made me breakfast and I got to eat it in bed. DS drew a card. My present is something I told DH to get and is still in the mail, that's OK. DH took DS out for good part of day so I can study for finals this week.

Key is though that DH and I had this conversation about Mother's day last week, so he knew what I was expecting and I knee what to expect. We do the same for Father's Day, birthdays.

[123LuckyMom]

I agree with all those who have urged you to be clear with your husband about your hopes and expectations. Be aware, too, that he may not be good at gift giving or celebration planning. My husband is terrible at it! I have learned that if I want to be celebrated for any reason that I have to do all the planning myself. At first I resented that a little, but the man is who he is, and I am who I am. The things I love about him come with the stuff I don't care for quite as much, and my need to be celebrated is my need, after all, so it's my responsibility to make sure my needs are met. Now that I do the planning, I get what makes me happy every single time! ;)

[Still-in-Shock]

I agree with all those who have urged you to be clear with your husband about your hopes and expectations. Be aware, too, that he may not be good at gift giving or celebration planning. My husband is terrible at it! I have learned that if I want to be celebrated for any reason that I have to do all the planning myself. At first I resented that a little, but the man is who he is, and I am who I am. The things I love about him come with the stuff I don't care for quite as much, and my need to be celebrated is my need, after all, so it's my responsibility to make sure my needs are met. Now that I do the planning, I get what makes me happy every single time! ;)

:yeahthat: I could have written that.

[Fairy]

I think you have to be upfront. If Mother's Day wasn't big in his house growing up, he won't care much about it.

It doesn't have to be a big deal. DH and DS made me breakfast and I got to eat it in bed. DS drew a card. My present is something I told DH to get and is still in the mail, that's OK. DH took DS out for good part of day so I can study for finals this week.

Key is though that DH and I had this conversation about Mother's day last week, so he knew what I was expecting and I knee what to expect. We do the same for Father's Day, birthdays.

We had the same mother's day. Did you get oatmeal? :-)

[daisymommy]

No, you're not out of line. It seems cold to me....

My husband treats me nicely on MD because I am the mother of his children and he views it as a day to honor and express his admiration for all that I do in that role. And to model and teach our children to show their appreciation for their mother. Just as I do for him on Fathers Day. Not that it's the *only* day he does those things, it's just the "formal" day.

Sing it sister!




Sent from my iPad

[maestramommy]

No, you're not out of line. It seems cold to me.

While Mothers Day is for celebrating our mothers, it is also a day that we celebrate all mothers. I was wished a Happy Mothers Day by many who were not my children - my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law, my friends, the restaurant server...

My husband treats me nicely on MD because I am the mother of his children and he views it as a day to honor and express his admiration for all that I do in that role. And to model and teach our children to show their appreciation for their mother. Just as I do for him on Fathers Day. Not that it's the *only* day he does those things, it's just the "formal" day.

This is kind of how my experience is too. In the early years Dh gave me what I wanted for MD, which was a day off. That meant I had to leave the house for a day. This is the first year I haven't asked for a day off. It's also the first year the kids have really gotten into it, so with his help they executed what they wanted to do, which was give me breakfast in bed (thank you Kim and Carrots!). Every year he gives me a card, this year he made one. It was made up of pictures of me and the kids.

[Mopey]

I agree with all the PP about talking and just being forthright.

I am mad for my hubby who is not always great about these things and I've always said to him, I'm not going to read your mind so I would never expect you to read mine!!

We are sometimes both lame about things (like our anniversary) but I am realizing it means more to make special days special.

So after a super lame anniversary a couple of weeks ago (I made a cute little present, he dropped the ball hysterically :ROTFLMAO:) Mother's Day was loooooooovely. And all because I was open, honest and obvious :D

ETA: I do not think you are wrong at all btw - I know two dads whose birthdays were yesterday and they managed to do it all up for both themselves and their wives (who also did for them, as you did).

[niccig]

We had the same mother's day. Did you get oatmeal? :-)

No an omelet. DH does a great breakfast but can't cook anything else..mmm I may have to call him on that as best omelet I've had.

Oatmeal would have been fine too. The day was bust for me because of finals, so we're going to do something this weekend as a family.

[psimpson3-5]

Thanks for all of your responses. I can't lie and say that our marriage has been great lately. Some of you might recall my thread from a few months back where I discovered that he was essentially emotionally cheating on me for a long time. We did go to couples therapy for awhile but we both decided we were okay and didn't need to go anymore. DH is upset with me bc he claims I made his birthday stressful. To be blunt - we have a lot of issues.

I checked out the website many of you suggested. While I'm not too keen on the religious undertones, I do feel that Gary Chapman is on to something with the 5 Love Languages. After spending some time on the site, it is quite clear that DH and I were always express our love differently. I buy him gifts in order to express my love for him and he expects more quality time. This has been an issue for quite some time. He's always asking me to simply laugh with him and spend time with him. Meanwhile I'm trying to plan our next move and what errands we need to do.

I especially liked this suggestion, "Say to your spouse, 'I’ve been thinking about us, and I don’t want us to drift into a dead marriage. I don’t want to just be an ordinary wife. I want to be an exceptional wife. Would you be open to giving me one suggestion each week for the next month on how I could be a better wife? I would give you one suggestion on how you could be a better husband, and both of us could grow. Would you be open to this?' If he is, then you are on the road to positive change. One of those weeks, you can share with him what you would like him to do when he arrives home. He will not take it as nagging, because you have made it a part of your month of improvement."

I don't think I'm upset that I didn't get a gift. I think I was more upset that there was no real acknowledgement of mother's day. He's said that he will celebrate it in the future. I'm not really sure when or how. I'm not really even convinced it will happen, but for the sake of our marriage, I'm just going to accept him at his word and move on.

Thanks for your support, kind words, and helpful advice.

[janine]

Agree he's dropped the ball and not giving you what you need (some appreciation/effort) but on the other hand this is so common. Some DH's are just awful at presents or events involving expectations. They need clear direction, training, AND also lowering of our expectations. I've struggled with this too - my first Mother's Day was lame - same with DD2. While other moms/expecting moms talked about push presents I was just hoping for the basics. Birthdays were dinner and my DH was surprised people expected gifts (uh for birthdays). I always tried to lead by example, but with Father's Day coming after Mother's Day and DH's birthday one month after mine...he'd never remember! I think alot has to do with upbringing too.

For me it got better over time and now at my 4th Mother's Day DH actually asked me what I wanted to do 2 weeks before and when I told him ,he said he'd thought of most of what I said, but just wanted to be sure.

So there is hope, but in the meantime you are not out of line telling him how this made you feel!!

[Melaine]

I am just seeing this, but ITA that the 5 Love Languages is a game-changer of a book. I fortunately read it before we got married. It's still something I think about often in regard to our relationship. It's not just about thinking about my love language and his love language-it's also about making a conscious effort to acknowledge and receive the love that he is giving me rather than focus on the things I want from him. We've been together for 12 years and this is a concept I am still learning.

We also have our issues in regard to holidays and birthdays and gift-giving. For me, I've decided to absolutely take Mother's Day off of DH. It's about the kids and me. It's just too much pressure to expect him to do anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas and Mother's Day. I'm happy that the girls have already started stepping up for Mother's Day.

[janine]

I am just seeing this, but ITA that the 5 Love Languages is a game-changer of a book. I fortunately read it before we got married. It's still something I think about often in regard to our relationship. It's not just about thinking about my love language and his love language-it's also about making a conscious effort to acknowledge and receive the love that he is giving me rather than focus on the things I want from him. We've been together for 12 years and this is a concept I am still learning.

We also have our issues in regard to holidays and birthdays and gift-giving. For me, I've decided to absolutely take Mother's Day off of DH. It's about the kids and me. It's just too much pressure to expect him to do anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas and Mother's Day. I'm happy that the girls have already started stepping up for Mother's Day.

This is a good point - as my DD got older (now 4) she is a great little reminder and DH doesn't tune her out :).

I need to read 5 languages book in the meantime....game changer is quite the endorsement! Thanks

[Still-in-Shock]

Does anyone else have a DH who never remembers when holidays are? Mine only knows when Christmas and the 4th of July happen. If I say "the party is during Memorial Day weekend", he says, "When's Memorial Day?" He doesn't know when Labor Day is either, even though his mother always pointed out that he was born near it - emphasis on LABOR, poor woman. I fully expect him to need reminding about Mother's Day.

[lalasmama]

Does anyone else have a DH who never remembers when holidays are? Mine only knows when Christmas and the 4th of July happen. If I say "the party is during Memorial Day weekend", he says, "When's Memorial Day?" He doesn't know when Labor Day is either, even though his mother always pointed out that he was born near it - emphasis on LABOR, poor woman. I fully expect him to need reminding about Mother's Day.

My SO has the general idea of when the holidays are, in general--can't remember which one is Memorial Day and Labor Day, and needs several reminders when something is coming up. About 3 weeks before any holiday that we would have plans for, I start reminding him.... "In three weekends will be Memorial Day. We have the grandbabies that weekend, and Sue and Matt will be joining us for dinner that Sunday." And on the reminders go as time gets closer and closer. If it's an expected gift-giving day (Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, etc.), then I remind him the week before that he may want to go shopping before whatever holiday arrives on whatever day. It's cut down some on last minute gifts--he had my Christmas presents bought a week ahead of time (!!), and my birthday present arrived a week early too! Granted, he didn't buy his mother's MD present until 2 days before, but it was the typical hanging flower basket, so he didn't want to buy it too early!

[fauve01]

I personally think of Mother's Day as something between mother and child not husband and wife. When the kids are older he will have to be a big part of helping them, but in my mind, the important Mother's Day greeting for him to give this year was to his own mom, not you, if that makes sense.

:yeahthat: I told DH early on that I don't expect him to get me a gift, but I do want him to help DD with getting me a gift. when she was little, he did it for her. now that she's older, she has lots of ideas and plans and errands for him to run for her.

Also, while what I really want is time alone to do what I want, I think mother's day (and all the holidays really) are for DD. while she's young and cares, I am going to do whatever *she* wants to do on MY day. holidays through the eyes of my child. soon enough she'll be gone off to college and I can sleep in as late as i want and dine at whatever place I want. DH is on board with this and helps DD with her plans.

OP, I agree with PPs that you should definitely tell your DH want your expectations are.

[Still-in-Shock]

I don't think I'm upset that I didn't get a gift. I think I was more upset that there was no real acknowledgement of mother's day. He's said that he will celebrate it in the future. I'm not really sure when or how. I'm not really even convinced it will happen, but for the sake of our marriage, I'm just going to accept him at his word and move on.

Thanks for your support, kind words, and helpful advice.

Just saw your update. I think you are on the right track. Acceptance and trust are important in a marriage. If you don't ask him what he intends to do, he's less likely to look at it as a chore.

Something I have found that works for us is if I ask DH a question about something he is or isn't doing, I say afterword "There is no wrong answer. This is not a test. I just like information, so that's why I asked .......". But I really do like information!

[wellyes]

I'm so glad you could use a disappointing day to look into way to make things better. That is such a smart approach, but not easy to do.

[niccig]

Does anyone else have a DH who never remembers when holidays are? Mine only knows when Christmas and the 4th of July happen. If I say "the party is during Memorial Day weekend", he says, "When's Memorial Day?" He doesn't know when Labor Day is either, even though his mother always pointed out that he was born near it - emphasis on LABOR, poor woman. I fully expect him to need reminding about Mother's Day.

DH remembers and is great at giving presents, making people feel special. I suck at it. We've been together 12 yrs and this is the first year I've remembered the anniversary of day we met as I put it in the reminders on my phone and set it to go off every day for 5 days before the date. DH remembers every year and gives me flowers, and I stand there looking confused asking why he got me flowers, then I remember, oh crap I forgot AGAIN.

DH's language of love is gifts, mine is acts of service. The best Mother's Day gift was DH taking DS to batting cage and movie for a few hours so I could study. Best gift I could give DH for Father's Day would be new gadget for his camera.

OP, you can figure out what the other wants, but you do need to be upfront. 2 weeks or so before any occasion, have a conversation about it. "Mother's Day is coming up and I would love to have breakfast in bed then time to get a pedicure." Or, "Mother's Day and your birthday are on same day. Which should we celebrate on the Sat, and which on the Sunday? I would love to go out for brunch for Mother's Day and have DC give me a card."

I've also found including DS in this talks helps. He's 8.5 and very into celebrating the occasions with us, so we can't forget as DS will ask what we're doing for the occasion etc.

[Sweetsunshine]

OP I used to have the same situation as far as not being appreciated or barely acknowledged on MD except by my sisters and my own mother. That was eight years ago. After that first disappointing year where I got a card and a bagel, we went to my sister's house who went all out making brunch for me, including my favorite flowers, chocolate, a sentimental card, etc.... My husband's excuse was that he did get a card after all and my (childless) sister did the rest.

That night I had a complete meltdown and DH could not understand for the life of him why I was so upset. I hated having to say out loud that all I wanted was a little pampering and appreciation. Why should I literally have to say it? Shouldn't it be obvious? But it wasn't and after we were both on the same page it got a little better every year. Now I want a day to myself and his "gift" is taking the kids to see his mom. Kills two birds with one stone--he takes the kids for the day, and I can skip a visit to the inlaws.

I still have to give a reminder every year and I hate doing that. But in the end I'm much happier for it. I am not disappointed and I know what to expect. I hope next year is everything you want it to be. You deserve it!

[sidmand]

I am just seeing this, but ITA that the 5 Love Languages is a game-changer of a book. I fortunately read it before we got married. It's still something I think about often in regard to our relationship. It's not just about thinking about my love language and his love language-it's also about making a conscious effort to acknowledge and receive the love that he is giving me rather than focus on the things I want from him.

There are some religious undertones to the book but it's okay to totally read it without those. They did bother me at first but the book really is amazing (we also had to ignore the part about "filling up your tank"...DH told me if I ever asked if his tank was full...).

DH had an emotional affair as well. We saw a therapist for awhile. But what really made the difference was realizing we still (and had always) loved each other but were showing it differently. The love languages book was amazing. There were more holidays than I can remember where I ended up disappointed. This Mother's Day wasn't all that different but what I realized was, was me. I said it to DH Sunday night. When things weren't as good between us, I was really looking for that grand gesture (or any gesture!) but when things were good, I didn't because I knew all along he was showing me--IYKWIM?

[psimpson3-5]

There are some religious undertones to the book but it's okay to totally read it without those. They did bother me at first but the book really is amazing (we also had to ignore the part about "filling up your tank"...DH told me if I ever asked if his tank was full...).

DH had an emotional affair as well. We saw a therapist for awhile. But what really made the difference was realizing we still (and had always) loved each other but were showing it differently. The love languages book was amazing. There were more holidays than I can remember where I ended up disappointed. This Mother's Day wasn't all that different but what I realized was, was me. I said it to DH Sunday night. When things weren't as good between us, I was really looking for that grand gesture (or any gesture!) but when things were good, I didn't because I knew all along he was showing me--IYKWIM?

Very helpful. Thank you.

[BDKmom]

When things weren't as good between us, I was really looking for that grand gesture (or any gesture!) but when things were good, I didn't because I knew all along he was showing me--IYKWIM?

This is really a great statement, and a helpful thing to realize. My DH is not a grand gesture kind of guy, and sometimes I read stories or hear from friends this fabulous thing their DH did, and I pine for it a little bit. But I have to remind myself that it's the little things that my DH does every day that make me feel cherished, and I wouldn't trade that for all the grand gestures in the world.

OP, I hope that you and your DH can work together to improve things between you. When we get in a rough spot, it helps me a lot to focus on what I can do to make our marriage better instead of what I want DH to do for me. I think that's part of the message of the Love Languages book.

[lizzywednesday]

Does anyone else have a DH who never remembers when holidays are? Mine only knows when Christmas and the 4th of July happen. If I say "the party is during Memorial Day weekend", he says, "When's Memorial Day?" He doesn't know when Labor Day is either, even though his mother always pointed out that he was born near it - emphasis on LABOR, poor woman. I fully expect him to need reminding about Mother's Day.

I don't think that's fair; 4th of July and Christmas are always 7/4 and 12/25

Memorial Day and Labor Day are not fixed dates but rather "floating" depending on when Mondays fall in relation to the other ones in any given month. Heck, I have trouble with them and I tend to have things going on then. (I was also the family keeper-of-the-birthdays for my dad after my parents split. He could reliably remember his own birthdate and mine, but had a LOT of trouble with my siblings' birthdates. As recently as 3 years ago, I was still e-mailing or texting him a week ahead of my brothers' and sister's birthdays to remind him to give/send a card!!)

My mother always said that she & my father were married on Labor Day weekend in 1976, but would never give me a solid date. I think that she honestly thought that it was always the same date every year. (And then she would pout because Dad forgot the date. If she'd given me a straight answer to begin with, maybe Dad would have had a shot at remembering.)

[Still-in-Shock]

I don't think that's fair; 4th of July and Christmas are always 7/4 and 12/25

Memorial Day and Labor Day are not fixed dates but rather "floating" depending on when Mondays fall in relation to the other ones in any given month.

Lizzy, DH doesn't know which MONTHS those holidays fall in, let alone which Monday of those months. Same for Presidents Day and Columbus Day. He knows Thanksgiving is in November, but I think that's because it was close to all the big rivalry football games. I doubt he knows that it's the 4th Thursday.

So he may know that Mothers Day is in May - but I'm not sure. He almost definitely won't know it's the 2nd Sunday, but in a few years, hopefully our DC-to-be will help him out.