"I want to make she sad" -- how to respond?

[wellyes]

I caught DS, who is nearly 3, shoving his sister off the couch. When I asked him why he was doing that, he smiled and said "I want to make she sad!" It's not the first time this has happened. He's not angry, he's not malicious, he just wants to provoke her for - apparently - his own amusement.

Is this pretty normal? Is it a boy thing? I only ask because that behavior never would have occurred with my DD.

I respond by trying to explain empathy and also give time-outs or similar consequences. Any other advice on how to handle this?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i say normal. i posted about same kind of thing last year with my DS (then 2.75).
http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=446059&highlight=park+broken+morbid

maybe it is a boy thing, bc i don't see my DD ever saying stuff like this either. DS would say how he wanted to push DD down off a ledge and "I want to [DD] to get broken." Or would shout next to a sleeping baby at a playdate and when i would tell him to stop, he then say "but i want to scare that baby." Whuck? All this said totally matter-of-factly, no malice or anger whatsoever.

Anyway, now at 3.25 he no longer says things like this....he often does feel bad if DD cries and tries to help her. DD is barely 2 and does this already. i guess it was just a phase. I vote it's normal..i don't think at 2 they understand the actual consequences or how their actions or words can hurt other's feelings.

[lalasmama]

I have yet to ever meet a 3 year old who had an actual "reason" for being a stinker... A few months ago, I watched my BFF's boys, who were approaching 3 and 5. It wasn't uncommon to watch the 3 year old just go up and hit his brother, and say something like, "I want brother to cry!" No idea how to get it to stop, or the best way to handle it. At our house, I would just tell him, "That hurt brother, and it's not okay to hurt people. You need to sit in time out for 3 minutes, and then tell brother 'sorry' and give him a hug."

:bag I'll admit sometimes, though, I wouldn't "catch" the 3 year old doing it, and when his brother hit him back, I ignored it.

[TwinFoxes]

I think it's a way to get attention, so normal. I have a feeling he is really thinking more like "I just want to tease her" rather than "make her sad".

[twowhat?]

I think it's a way to get attention, so normal. I have a feeling he is really thinking more like "I just want to tease her" rather than "make her sad".

Yeah, it's definitely an attention getter. And maybe this is a girl thing, but mine will lie about it (ugh). For example "I wasn't kicking her. I was just trying to dry off my sweaty foot."

In our house hitting or hurting or intending to hurt gets an immediate time-out (the no attention kind - alone in a room until she's calmed down) for two reasons: 1) so the offender gets no attention - positive or negative and 2) so I can focus on the one who was hurt. Once she's calm I bring her back out and together we come up with ways to help the one who was pushed/shoved/kicked feel better and we also talk about acceptable ways to deal with frustration.

[RedSuedeShoes]

I think it's pretty normal for some kids. Would not have occurred to either my oldest (DS, age 12) or middle (DD, age 7), but totally regular activity for my youngest (DS, just turned 4). I'd say if he can actually express his intentions that well at nearly 3, you are ahead of the game! You at least have a starting point for discussing the impulse, triggers for behaviors (boredom, annoyance, needing physical outlet, etc.), and other options. (As opposed to just thinking "WTF?!?" and saying "NOOOO! We do not hit/kick/punch/bite/throw heavy things at sister" a hundred times a day like we did for so long. Our youngest is very very physically adept and very NOT verbally adept, so having conversations about it has only limited effectiveness.)

[hellokitty]

This is a younger sibling thing. As the oldest and big sister to two younger brothers, I felt like their mission in life when we were kids, was to irritate me. As for my kids, DS2 and DS3 are professionals at annoying one another and poor DS1. It's like a sport to them.

[Sweetum]

DS is an only (for now) and he has these moments too, and it always worries us esp since he has Autism. I am somewhat relieved that this is also behavior for some typically developing kids which means there can be outgrowing, depending on how we handle it...right?
todya we went to a park and he told me he wanted to crash into a guy there (DS is sensory seeking too), and I promprtly told him that the park visit ends since that is not polite (he has done this before several times but nothing we have done/said so far has had any impact), and we went home. and he repeated several times that we are going home becasue he wanted to crash into someone. I told him that he could crash into a pillow once we are home.

[barkley1]

I wish I knew how to get through to them on this issue. DS (3.75) will not leave my poor baby dd (1.5) alone...nothing to cause major injury, but little shoves,
And hits all.day.long. Or ramming her with the baby stroller. When asked why is he doing this? "Because I like to." I think he even once said he likes to make her cry :( :(. Is that normal? Do we need counseling for liking to hurt others? Seriously, that seems creepy :(

[hillview]

NORMAL. DS1 used to be like this at that age. I DID go see a therapist about it and she said it was normal and to validate and rescript the situation, "having a little brother can be hard" etc

[123LuckyMom]

NORMAL. DS1 used to be like this at that age. I DID go see a therapist about it and she said it was normal and to validate and rescript the situation, "having a little brother can be hard" etc

Yup! Believe it or not, the best response is empathy. I don't manage that empathy very often, I must admit! A really good book (and an easy read) on the subject is _Siblings Without Rivalry_ I read it once before DD was born, and I really need to read it again, but I remember thinking that many of the responses were pretty counterintuitive, at least for me. The counterintuitive responses I've followed from other parenting books have worked amazingly well for us, though, and I'm a great believer in doing what works!

[misshollygolightly]

At least he's honest! :rotflmao:

I think it's normal. I agree with some of the other posters--try validating his feelings, talking through other (non-violent) ways to express frustration/anger/resentment toward his sister, etc. It might also be worth trying to immediately focus on DD when that happens (Are you ok? etc.) so that DS sees his attention-seeking behavior backfire. I don't know whether that always works, but it's an approach I've heard recommended before and have occasionally found useful.

[mommylamb]

Agree with everyone else. Empathy takes time to develop. They're still little Ids at that age.

[lizzywednesday]

Yeah, it's definitely an attention getter. And maybe this is a girl thing, but mine will lie about it (ugh). For example "I wasn't kicking her. I was just trying to dry off my sweaty foot."

...

I don't think it's a girl thing; my brother Ger is FAMOUS for cr@p like that.

[janine]

At least he's honest! :rotflmao:

I think it's normal. I agree with some of the other posters--try validating his feelings, talking through other (non-violent) ways to express frustration/anger/resentment toward his sister, etc. It might also be worth trying to immediately focus on DD when that happens (Are you ok? etc.) so that DS sees his attention-seeking behavior backfire. I don't know whether that always works, but it's an approach I've heard recommended before and have occasionally found useful.

:yeahthat: I have 2 girls around the same age as your DC's and they waiver between total love and then wanting nothing to do with each other (the stereotype). When DD2 was a small baby, it was the same - DD1 would love her so much but at other times express wanting to make her go away, don't like her, want to make her cry and would shove her when I wasn't looking. I think it is normal for toddler to express their competing emotions this way and it is healthy/encouraging when they express what it is they are feeling! The question is are there moments of sweetness too? I'm sure there are. In this specific case, explain it is not acceptable -- that it is ok to be mad, angry, and to express it - but it is never ok to express it in a way that involves hurting, hitting, etc.