DD told me a classmate is inappropriately touching her

[elektra]

Did I handle this right?

Last night DD mentioned that E (another K girl who sits right behind her on the rug in class) had been pulling her hair when they sat on the rug together. And I suggested that she first tell E to keep her hands to herself, and then if she didn't stop to go straight to the teacher, let the teacher know that E was not stopping, and request to be moved as a possible solution. She has mentioned E playing with her hair before but she was just really adamant about it really bothering her more lately.
Then later that night after her bath, I brought up the fact that she should tell me if anyone touched her private parts, that I would not be mad, etc. It's something I just bring up every so often so it's more of an easy conversation, as opposed to a big intimidating talk. This was hours after the talk about E though, and I was not even thinking about that. But then DD told me that E would tickle her bottom and would also reach around and tickle her privates in front and try to reach her hands up inside her skirt to touch her.
So I told her that I needed to let her teacher know because that was pretty serious, and she wanted me to tell.
I definitely want to support DD and let her know that I believe her. However, I can also see how it could be some innocent tickling from a child who is not good with physical boundaries. I know that E is very "touchy"- she gave me a hug the first time I met her while volunteering.
I kept thinking all morning how I should email the teacher, what I should ask for exactly.
Well her teacher called me before I even could reach out. DD went ahead and told her herself what had been happening. So the teacher left me a vm and told the principal. I went ahead and emailed her, thanked her for the call, and let her know that DD had told me, basically summarizing what I wrote above.
We were able to connect on the phone - I just got off with the teacher and she said DD will have a new spot on the rug, and that she was going to forward my email to the principal.
What else do I need to do? I did tell the teacher that I do think they should tell E's parents (She asked me if I wanted her to) and I said that I would want to know as the parent.
But what else do I need to do? I told DD that I am really glad she told me, and that it definitely was inappropriate touching.
I do think this was tickling that got out of hand but I could be wrong. Do I need to talk to DD more about it? Talk to the principal?

[sophiesmom03]

I'd stay in touch with the school and ask that they involve you in whatever solution they come up with. And I definitely think they should tell E's parents. My DD was bullied for a year in 1st grade by another girl in the class; the school didn't tell the other parents until it came to a scratch that drew blood (mandatory report to home) - the mom was mortified that it had been going on for months and no one had told her.

Good luck and I hope your DD is OK!

[MamaMolly]

Yes, I would also ask the school to share the information with E's parents. There is no telling what is going on, it may be nothing, it may be something. I'd want to know.

[niccig]

I would tell your DD she did right thing in telling you AND telling the teacher. Yay for her for speaking up.

ETA. You may want to role play with DD so she can practice saying "don't touch my hair" "don't tickle me" etc. If she can tell the peson to stop in moment, she's better placed to stand-up for herself. Part of that though, is us listening to our kids and stopping when they tell us to stop.

[megs4413]

good for your DD for telling you! And good for you for giving her the opportunity!

On the other hand, personally, I think a call to DCFS is required. I would ask the teacher to handle that and if she refused, ask the administration. I'm not sure moving your DD will solve this problem for the classroom considering this child may just touch whoever is nearby. I would also wonder if she was touching other children in the class. I'd prefer to overreact in a scenario like this than let a child be victimized.

[YouAreTheFocus]

IMO this goes beyond tickling and being overly grabby/touchy. The fact that the girl is specifically tickling her bottom & privates AND reaching up her skirt (or trying to) sends up red flags for me. It would make me worried for E along with the other students.

[kdeunc]

good for your DD for telling you! And good for you for giving her the opportunity!

On the other hand, personally, I think a call to DCFS is required. I would ask the teacher to handle that and if she refused, ask the administration. I'm not sure moving your DD will solve this problem for the classroom considering this child may just touch whoever is nearby. I would also wonder if she was touching other children in the class. I'd prefer to overreact in a scenario like this than let a child be victimized.
:yeahthat: 40% of sexual abuse incidents are child on child. In young children sexual acting out can often be an indicator of exposure to sexual behavior or victimization. I think it is reportable. If for no other reason so the other child can be looked at as a potential victim. So sorry this happened to your daughter and kudos to you for having that conversation!

[dogmom]

I would do the following:

1) Have a meeting with the principal over the phone and face to face. I would express that I was happy that they took you DD statement seriously and took immediate action. I think it would help put them at ease because I could see some parents going in there accusing the school of all sorts of things.

2) Then I would express that you realize there are confidentiality issues, but you need to know for your own piece of mind that this is being taken seriously and possible abuse situations are being looked into and the appropriate agencies would be informed. This might give them a chance to share with you what they can about the situation.

3) I would not talk to other parents about it, because many will not act as level headed about this incident as you did. I could see parents at the doors with pitchforks.

There is a possibility of abuse. But there are also different children with different boundary issues that are completely innocent. I have a friend whose son has a syndrome and is overly physical with younger kids, but to say it was sexual in a conventional sense is wrong. There are a lot of explanations for this kind of behavior.

[randomkid]

I would not think of this as tickling that got out of control. It sounds pretty intentional to me and almost exactly what my DD went through in pre-K. It was toward the end of the year and so closer to 5yo. I don't know if it's the age and kids are discovering things and testing limits or what. There was a little girl in DD's preschool who was intentionally running up to her, reaching around front and grabbing DD's privates. Fortunately, she hated it and told me about it immediately. I started with "Tell the teacher" which she did. It didn't stop and I had DD tell the teacher every single time it happened. That way the teacher would know how often it was happening. I actually witnessed it on the playground one day when I was coming to pick her up. I then talked to the teacher, who obviously was aware and had addressed it. She then asked if I would be ok with her talking to the girl's parents. She wanted my permission before doing so, I guess. Of course, I told her yes. It stopped after that. I truly think the teacher was just trying to handle it and it didn't stop until she spoke to the parents.

I'm sorry your DD is going through this. I don't necessarily think it means the little girl is being abused or anything. It's just something some of them seem to do around that age. Just continue to teach your DD to speak up and I would advise that you have her tell the teacher immediately when it happens (if it continues) every time.

[bisous]

I would do the following:

1) Have a meeting with the principal over the phone and face to face. I would express that I was happy that they took you DD statement seriously and took immediate action. I think it would help put them at ease because I could see some parents going in there accusing the school of all sorts of things.

2) Then I would express that you realize there are confidentiality issues, but you need to know for your own piece of mind that this is being taken seriously and possible abuse situations are being looked into and the appropriate agencies would be informed. This might give them a chance to share with you what they can about the situation.

3) I would not talk to other parents about it, because many will not act as level headed about this incident as you did. I could see parents at the doors with pitchforks.

There is a possibility of abuse. But there are also different children with different boundary issues that are completely innocent. I have a friend whose son has a syndrome and is overly physical with younger kids, but to say it was sexual in a conventional sense is wrong. There are a lot of explanations for this kind of behavior.

I agree with this completely! Great advice.

[janine]

I agree, listen to your DD, she seems very clear about it all.

It sounds like things have been handled well so far - it is great that your DD spoke up to you, and the teacher. This is why us having the privates conversation is so valuable, they are paying attention! I like that the teacher addressed it before you had to reach out. I would be worried about this classmate and continue to be vigilant.

[bisous]

I would tell your DD she did right thing in telling you AND telling the teacher. Yay for her for speaking up.

ETA. You may want to role play with DD so she can practice saying "don't touch my hair" "don't tickle me" etc. If she can tell the peson to stop in moment, she's better placed to stand-up for herself. Part of that though, is us listening to our kids and stopping when they tell us to stop.

This is also very true. And I must say that YOU did really good too. You clearly have good lines of communication and your DD has been taught well. I'm so happy that you were able to discover this NOW so that your DD doesn't have to be subjected to this any longer!

[BunnyBee]

I would call her pediatrician and get her into see someone who deals with this professionally. Don't try to elicit more information from her, and request that you or this professional be present should your daughter be questioned by police, etc. Depending on your district's guidelines, in loco parentis laws may let the school give permission for your daughter to be interviewed by police or other agencies without notifying you. Education Law class is one of the reasons we're not in public school.

I hope your DD is okay.

[elektra]

Thank you for all of the feedback. I think you guys are right in that this could very well have been more than just tickling. However, I think that in this case, me calling DFCS or the police or any other kind of medical or legal professional myself is premature.
I do think I will follow up with the teacher and principal myself on Monday next week.
DD seems fine, and happy that I followed up and took her seriously. I am not sure why I would not want to continue to talk to her or "elicit more information from her". I think the fact that I have been very open with her thus far is the very reason she was able to let me know this was going on.
And while I have encouraged DD to always try and stick up for herself first, telling another child to stop doing what they are doing before going to a teacher, I did tell her that anything E does, she should immediately go to the teacher.

[StantonHyde]

So glad your daughter feels supported. Good job mamma!

[LizLemon]

Thank you for all of the feedback. I think you guys are right in that this could very well have been more than just tickling. However, I think that in this case, me calling DFCS or the police or any other kind of medical or legal professional myself is premature.
I do think I will follow up with the teacher and principal myself on Monday next week.
DD seems fine, and happy that I followed up and took her seriously. I am not sure why I would not want to continue to talk to her or "elicit more information from her". I think the fact that I have been very open with her thus far is the very reason she was able to let me know this was going on.
And while I have encouraged DD to always try and stick up for herself first, telling another child to stop doing what they are doing before going to a teacher, I did tell her that anything E does, she should immediately go to the teacher.

Sounds like you are handling it just right. I completely agree with you and do not understand why the police necessarily need to be called, given the information provided. Also, eliciting more information from your daughter is another sticky issue - studies have shown that repeatedly questioning kids can lead to unreliable results. Children generally want to please adults so if they are asked about the same thing, they may try to figure out what the adult "wants" and answer accordingly, rather than truthfully.

Plus, I think it's great that you had such an open, safe environment for communication about these kinds of difficult topics, and that you kept cool after your daughter told you about what happened. A real inspiration! :thumbsup: