Unbelievable, DH.

[boltfam]

MIL called to see if she could come to visit and take DS (and us) to celebrate DS being done with school for the year. I had plans that I had to leave for by 6:30 but said that would work. DH had a meeting, too,that he was going to have to miss b/c I had my plans first.

DH had the idea that MIL could stay overnight to allow both of us to go to our engagements. I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately and am an introvert by nature and specifically told him I did not want MIL to spend the night b/c I wasn't up to having someone stay with us.

So I get a call from DH around 3 that he called MIL and asked her to spend the night so that he could go to his meeting, too. I reminded him that I had specifically asked him not do, and he did it anyway. I am so ticked off at him for his lack of repect for my feelings and wishes!

I kept my cool, and things worked out okay, but seriously??

I know this is the BP but I would welcome advice.

[BunnyBee]

Oh goodie! Hotel recharge getaway for one! ;)

DH can entertain his mother at home.

[wellyes]

I'm sorry. Really dumb to prioritize his meeting over his WIFE.

[Giantbear]

Since you asked ...

I think this is an over reaction. There was a workable solution to allow both of you to be at your meetings and allow your mil to spend time with your child. Yes, it can be a pia to have a mil in the house over night, but this seems like a win/win to me. Why should one of you have to miss something important when babysitting is available. You are upset at him for ignoring your wishes, but i bet if we asked him, he would be upset at you for insisting he miss his meeting when he doesn't have to.

Personally, i think you and your hubby should meet up for drinks after your meetings and take advantage of live in babysitting for the night

[boltfam]

Since you asked ...

I think this is an over reaction. There was a workable solution to allow both of you to be at your meetings and allow your mil to spend time with your child. Yes, it can be a pia to have a mil in the house over night, but this seems like a win/win to me. Why should one of you have to miss something important when babysitting is available. You are upset at him for ignoring your wishes, but i bet if we asked him, he would be upset at you for insisting he miss his meeting when he doesn't have to.

Personally, i think you and your hubby should meet up for drinks after your meetings and take advantage of live in babysitting for the night

Right, in retrospect, I should have been more open to the idea of MIL staying, BUT I know sh!t would hit the fan I the situation had been reversed and I had done something he specifically told me not to do.

[sariana]

I agree with Giantbear. I would not expect DH to skip a meeting.

But I think the problem here was the breakdown in communication. You felt that your DH made a unilateral decision that you disagreed with. Preventing this from happening again starts with finding a way to compromise from the start so that no one resorts to last-minute change-ups.

[crl]

I agree that the communication was the issue here. I'm not sure exactly how it went down so I don't know if your dh felt like you weren't hearing how important it was for him to make the meeting or if he wasn't hearing how important it was to you to not have your MIL at your house overnight, or maybe both things were going on.

I am sorry you felt like you were not heard. :hug:

Catherine

[wellyes]

It's OK for him to argue that it's very important for him to make the meeting and his mom should stay over.

In no universe is it OK for him to make that argument, have the wife say "no I don't want to", then turn around and call the MIL and ask her to come anyway.

[Giantbear]

It's OK for him to argue that it's very important for him to make the meeting and his mom should stay over.

In no universe is it OK for him to make that argument, have the wife say "no I don't want to", then turn around and call the MIL and ask her to come anyway.so it is ok for the wife to unilaterally say no but not ok for the husband to unilaterally say yes? both seem wrong to me.

[wellyes]

so it is ok for the wife to unilaterally say no but not ok for the husband to unilaterally say yes? both seem wrong to me.

Of course she's allowed to say no without him taking action to do the opposite of her request. Since it will involve work for both of them to see it through. Imagine it was a puppy instead of a MIL visit.

[crl]

Of course she's allowed to say no without him taking action to do the opposite of her request. Since it will involve work for both of them to see it through. Imagine it was a puppy instead of a MIL visit.

I guess it seems to me like if she didn't want MIL then maybe she needed to give up her plans or suggest an alternative form of child care that didn't involve an overnight from MIL. Maybe my view is colored by the word "meeting" though. If my dh had a "meeting" it would be work related and I would not feel that I could veto a solution that allowed him to make his meeting without finding an alternative solution.

I do think it was unacceptable to just invite MIL without further conversation or consultation. And given my relationship with my MIL I would be super pissed about that part for sure!

Again, I am sorry you got sandbagged like that, OPer.

Catherine

[TwinFoxes]

I agree that the communication was the issue here. I'm not sure exactly how it went down so I don't know if your dh felt like you weren't hearing how important it was for him to make the meeting or if he wasn't hearing how important it was to you to not have your MIL at your house overnight, or maybe both things were going on.

I am sorry you felt like you were not heard. :hug:

Catherine

:yeahthat: If it was communicated as "well I'll be tired, and she is so picky, I'd rather not" as opposed to "oh HELL no" I can see how he'd go ahead and invite her. I know everyone's different, but I would also feel that a meeting, assuming its for work, is something that shouldn't be missed if there's a easy FREE option available. I do think DH should have clarified with you, but again, I guess that goes back to communication.

[boltfam]

It's OK for him to argue that it's very important for him to make the meeting and his mom should stay over.

In no universe is it OK for him to make that argument, have the wife say "no I don't want to", then turn around and call the MIL and ask her to come anyway.

:yeahthat: that is the perspective that I come from. If it was really important to him then he should have communicated that to me. When we talked about MIL coming the night before, he agreed with me, and then all of the sudden, guess what? MIL is staying overnight.

Oh, and the meeting was *not* work-related or mandatory. It was church-related, and there is some background with DH over-committing himself at church, but that is for another BP.;)

[TwinFoxes]

:yeahthat: that is the perspective that I come from. If it was really important to him then he should have communicated that to me. When we talked about MIL coming the night before, he agreed with me, and then all of the sudden, guess what? MIL is staying overnight.

Oh, and the meeting was *not* work-related or mandatory. It was church-related, and there is some background with DH over-committing himself at church, but that is for another BP.;)

Ok, you're swaying me. :) if he agreed and then blindsided you, that's not cool at all.

[crl]

:yeahthat: that is the perspective that I come from. If it was really important to him then he should have communicated that to me. When we talked about MIL coming the night before, he agreed with me, and then all of the sudden, guess what? MIL is staying overnight.

Oh, and the meeting was *not* work-related or mandatory. It was church-related, and there is some background with DH over-committing himself at church, but that is for another BP.;)

Aha! Very different. Not okay at all to agree then announce the change unilaterally. I would be pissed off.

Catherine

[Giantbear]

:yeahthat: that is the perspective that I come from. If it was really important to him then he should have communicated that to me. When we talked about MIL coming the night before, he agreed with me, and then all of the sudden, guess what? MIL is staying overnight.

Oh, and the meeting was *not* work-related or mandatory. It was church-related, and there is some background with DH over-committing himself at church, but that is for another BP.;)see, now that is new information that changes things. If he agreed and then went back on his word, that is wrong. the time for him to discuss his mother coming over was when you spoke of it. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

[oneplustwo]

:yeahthat: that is the perspective that I come from. If it was really important to him then he should have communicated that to me. When we talked about MIL coming the night before, he agreed with me, and then all of the sudden, guess what? MIL is staying overnight.

Oh, and the meeting was *not* work-related or mandatory. It was church-related, and there is some background with DH over-committing himself at church, but that is for another BP.;)


see, now that is new information that changes things. If he agreed and then went back on his word, that is wrong. the time for him to discuss his mother coming over was when you spoke of it. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Boltfam, I think we are married to the same DH! Mine also has some issues with over-committing to some church committees/volunteer work.

GB as usual puts things very well. I like Bunnybee's response and in your shoes would be seriously considering doing that (a hotel recharge getaway for one)!

I'm imagining that your DH talked with his mom after talking with you and found himself unable to say no to her even after agreeing with you and your expressed wishes. . .

[California]

For a marriage to thrive you need to know that your partner's got your back, and that you can trust him/her to follow through on what you both have agreed to.

In this case, your DH did what he wanted for himself- knowing that you wouldn't be happy with it, that you were already tired, and that he'd already agreed not to do it. So yes... he blew it.

[hellokitty]

Ugh, my dh has done something similar in the past and yes, it did piss me off. Of course, he acted like it was my problem, not his, I sometimes really wonder about his listening skills.