Social WWYD: New neighbor and an ex

[BDKmom]

I have found myself in a social situation that I am not sure how to navigate, so I thought I might get some opinions from y'all as to how you would handle this situation.

I live on a street that is a dead end with two cul de sacs. There are 15 houses. We know everyone on our street and we are all very social. We hang out with several families frequently, especially when the weather is nice and everyone is out and about. The kids play, moms chat, etc. We have neighborhood block parties, invite everyone to each other's kids' bday parties, have GNO...pretty fun group and several of us are similar ages, kids the same age, so it works out well.

Around the first of the year, a new neighbor moved in. She is a single mom with a 3 yr old DD. Since it was winter, I didn't meet her for a while, not until a GNO in March. We sat next to each other at dinner and chatted a bit, but that's really the only interaction we have had so far other than just in passing.

Mother's Day weekend, I saw her ex-husband drop her daughter off and realized that I know him. In fact, I dated him for a bit about 12 years ago. I have not had any contact with him since that time, and our relationship was brief (about 4 months), but I knew him for a while before that, and know many of his friends, and met his parents several times. We have not remained in the same social circle, so I didn't know his wife (now my neighbor), although I had heard he was married.

Here are my questions: Do I tell her that I know him? If so, do I just mention it casually, standing around with the other moms, or wait until a more private opportunity? I don't know her well yet, but I have the feeling that we will be seeing a lot of each other as everyone's kids play together and we have more social events over the course of the summer. I don't know if we will become close friends or stay neighborly acquaintances. Would it be awkward if she finds out down the line and wonders why I didn't mention it? Is this important information that you would want to know if you were her, or really no big deal? For some reason, now that I know this info, I get really nervous and awkward around her, like I have a secret or I'm hiding something from her, but I don't want her to think that I'm totally random if I just blurt this out. From what I have heard, it was an ugly divorce and they do not get along very well now.

Sorry for the rambling. Just wondering what others would do in this situation. If I haven't given enough background info, please feel free to ask anything that would help clarify.

[minnie-zb]

I wouldn't say anything. I'd let it go -- I think you have the potential to make it a bigger deal by saying something, but that's just my opinion.

[crl]

I'd tell her. I wouldn't make an effort to do it privately. I'd just say something like, what a small world, I saw your ex the other day and I know him. We dated for a bit several years ago. It just seems natural to me, just like I would say something if I saw she uses the same babysitter I do or whatever other connection there might be. Not mentioning it seems like hiding something.

Catherine

[PunkyBoo]

I think I would ask her out for coffee or something and just tell her the truth. In the vein of just wanting her to know from you in case it ever came out later. I think telling her will alleviate your tension about it and it's fair for her to know the truth from you. It really isn't that big of a deal- it was so long ago, the relationship was brief, and it's not like she could feel threatened since she's divorced from him now. But it would be very awkward and disconcerting to her if it comes out later.

[hillview]

I wouldn't say anything now and wait to see what happens. If you get to know her better and see him again I'd mention it to her privately but not make a big deal about it. For now I'd sit tight til you get to know her better and it seems less ackward to raise up.

[weech]

I would tell her casually. I'd be afraid that I'd become friends with the woman and never find the "right time" to tell her and then it would all come out and look kind of shady. JMHO!

[AnnieW625]

If he comes over a lot he might recognize you. Hopefully their divorce was amicable and if you do end up seeing him I think it would be nice to be friendly unless he was a big jerk when you dated him. I don't think you really need to bring it up unless you be one close with this neighbor.

[hellokitty]

Yeah, I would wait and them mention it casually during a good time. I think I would be weird if you went out of the way to tell her, before you get to know her better.

[AngB]

Does she even know you saw him drop their daughter off? If not, I wouldn't mention it until it's more obvious that you saw him.

[elektra]

Does she even know you saw him drop their daughter off? If not, I wouldn't mention it until it's more obvious that you saw him.

12 years is a while ago- I would just wait and then mention that you used to know each other, but only if the situation presents itself.

[westwoodmom04]

12 years is a while ago- I would just wait and then mention that you used to know each other, but only if the situation presents itself.

Agree with this, don't really see any reason to indicate that you dated him unless she asks more about how you know him.

[Philly Mom]

Personally, I would mention it privately. He is the dad and will be doing drop off/pick up often. I would rather my first interaction with the dad be when all the cards are on the table rather than when it is unexpected. You are bound to see him and he to see you at some point. Plus, if you don't say anything and then have to, I think it will come across as more awkward and that there is more to tell than there really is. It would also really stress me out if I had to feel like I had to avoid being outside for fear that the dad will be stopping by. Finally, if you do become friends and she complains about her ex and then finds out you knew him all along, that could be bad.

[edurnemk]

If she doesn't know that you saw him, I don't think you need to tell her now. But if you do, do it casually, don't go out of your way to do it and make it a big deal (because it isn't). Just mention you know him from a long time ago.

[mmommy]

I'd tell her. I wouldn't make an effort to do it privately. I'd just say something like, what a small world, I saw your ex the other day and I know him. We dated for a bit several years ago. It just seems natural to me, just like I would say something if I saw she uses the same babysitter I do or whatever other connection there might be. Not mentioning it seems like hiding something.

Catherine

:yeahthat: I guess I don't see the big deal. 12 years ago, dating for only a short while...but if you don't mention it I think it could be seen as you trying to hide something if it comes up in several months or years.

[TwinFoxes]

I'd tell her. I wouldn't make an effort to do it privately. I'd just say something like, what a small world, I saw your ex the other day and I know him. We dated for a bit several years ago. It just seems natural to me, just like I would say something if I saw she uses the same babysitter I do or whatever other connection there might be. Not mentioning it seems like hiding something.

Catherine

:yeahthat: Unless I couldn't stand him or something, I can't imagine doing anything else. Well, actually I might have said "hey Ex! What a small world, is this your daughter?" but I'm that way. Who cares what happened 12 years ago for four months. If you know you're "the one that got away" and he pined after you while married, then I think extra care is in order.

[BabyBearsMom]

I would probably wait until I bumped into him (i.e. not just saw him from a distance) and say "Oh Hi! I didn't know you were *little girl's name* father. What a small world!" I can't imagine how you could casually bring this up with the mom without it seeming weird.

[Momit]

If she doesn't know that you saw him, I don't think you need to tell her now. But if you do, do it casually, don't go out of your way to do it and make it a big deal (because it isn't). Just mention you know him from a long time ago.

:yeahthat: This would be my approach as well.

[MMMommy]

Honestly, isn't it better that he is her "ex" and not her current husband in this situation?

I would casually mention it to her after it became obvious that you saw him or encountered him with her there. If you haven't had a true opportunity to meet him, it might be uncomfortable to bring it up out of the blue.

[BDKmom]

Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. It clarifies for me why I am having this dilemma, because I vacillate between both sides of this. I can tell her now and it seem random, or I can wait and it seems like I was hiding it. I am the type who tends to overthink things, and would not really be able to make something seem casual when I had actually given it a lot of thought.

She doesn't know that I saw him, so that buys me a little time to know her better and try to figure out which way to proceed. I guess I'm most concerned with her reaction either way (if she even has one) and how it might affect our future interactions. She could be the type that will think "why are you tell me this, I don't care" or "you knew this and didn't say, what are you hiding." I agree that it is a much better situation that they are no longer married.

I will probably at least wait until the subject of her ex comes up, not bring it up out of the blue. But also, try not to make a big deal out of it, which I agree it isn't.

FWIW, her ex is a complete arrogant jerk, and I think she knows that now. So at least we don't have differing opinions of him. It just totally feels like a random small world. We live in a metro area with millions of people, and he is really the only person I dated other than my DH. So how weird that my only ex's ex-wife and child live across the street.

[minnie-zb]

FWIW, her ex is a complete arrogant jerk, and I think she knows that now. So at least we don't have differing opinions of him.

But what you don't want to happen is this become the thing that unites you. Then every time you see her, it will be "he's such a so-and-so" and her expecting you to chime and be the chorus.

[elektra]

I still think it makes sense to wait, but as soon as you see the guy, either approach him, and say, "wow do you live here, are these your kids? Small world! Well, I'm sure I'll see you around, take care." (Exit)
I would then just mention it to the neighbor as soon as I saw her. "Oh hey, I saw your ex dropping the kids off the other day- I used to know him years ago, but we never really kept in touch. Small world."

[wendmatt]

I'd tell her. I wouldn't make an effort to do it privately. I'd just say something like, what a small world, I saw your ex the other day and I know him. We dated for a bit several years ago. It just seems natural to me, just like I would say something if I saw she uses the same babysitter I do or whatever other connection there might be. Not mentioning it seems like hiding something.

Catherine

I agree with Catherine

[Philly Mom]

I still think I would say something. Partly because I am a bad liar and in this situation if I was trying to talk to the ex or to her in the future, I would not be able to pretend that I am just figuring out the connection. I would turn BRIGHT red and sound awkward. I also agree with others who have said that 12 years ago for a short time is not a big deal so why hide it to make it a bigger deal. I would probably say something when the two of you are alone watching the kids play like, "I saw someone dropping off your daughter the other day who looked like someone I knew briefly about 12 years ago, but I wasn't sure."

[BDKmom]

But what you don't want to happen is this become the thing that unites you. Then every time you see her, it will be "he's such a so-and-so" and her expecting you to chime and be the chorus.

Good point. Hadn't thought of that.

[KLD313]

If it were me and I saw him again and she knew it I would probably say omg I know him, we dated briefly a long time ago. Then let her talk. I wouldn't go into any detail and if she asks say it was so long ago you don't remember a thing.

[Still-in-Shock]

If it were me and I saw him again and she knew it I would probably say omg I know him, we dated briefly a long time ago. Then let her talk. I wouldn't go into any detail and if she asks say it was so long ago you don't remember a thing.


I was thinking something along those lines. It's quite possible he doesn't remember you, but since you feel awkward around her, you won't be comfortable until you let her know. And if you don't want to wait until you see him ago, you could say something along the lines of "I saw your ex drop off your DD, and he looked familiar. Was he ever friends with XXXXX? I hung around that group when I was single." Then from her reaction, you'll be able to tell whether to say if you dated him or not.

[mommylamb]

:yeahthat: Unless I couldn't stand him or something, I can't imagine doing anything else. Well, actually I might have said "hey Ex! What a small world, is this your daughter?" but I'm that way. Who cares what happened 12 years ago for four months. If you know you're "the one that got away" and he pined after you while married, then I think extra care is in order.
:yeahthat: I wouldn't go out of my way to say something to her-- so I wouldn't go ring her doorbell and say, hey guess what?-- but I would casually mention it the next time you happen to be chatting. Dating someone for a short period of time that long ago is a total non issue IMO. I think I'd approach it by saying, BTW I think I might have known your X a couple lifetimes ago. Is he so-and-so? Oh my goodness, I actually dated him really briefly back in the day. What a small world. And then leave it like that.

[crayonblue]

I'd tell her. I wouldn't make an effort to do it privately. I'd just say something like, what a small world, I saw your ex the other day and I know him. We dated for a bit several years ago. It just seems natural to me, just like I would say something if I saw she uses the same babysitter I do or whatever other connection there might be. Not mentioning it seems like hiding something.

Catherine

I agree with Catherine. If it all comes out at some point anyway, it will be way better if you just casually mentioned it first.

As far as your relationship with her becoming a tit-for-tat about your ex, that will only happen if you let it so I wouldn't worry about that.

[bisous]

I still think it makes sense to wait, but as soon as you see the guy, either approach him, and say, "wow do you live here, are these your kids? Small world! Well, I'm sure I'll see you around, take care." (Exit)
I would then just mention it to the neighbor as soon as I saw her. "Oh hey, I saw your ex dropping the kids off the other day- I used to know him years ago, but we never really kept in touch. Small world."

I'm kind of with Elektra here. It would be different to me if a. you knew her quite well before or b. you were THERE when her kids were dropped off. I wouldn't see this as a secretive tactic to not mention, rather, I would assume that as we got to know each other better it would come up both more organically and more casually and just less awkward. The other approach isn't bad--it just isn't what I'd do!

[megs4413]

If it were me and I saw him again and she knew it I would probably say omg I know him, we dated briefly a long time ago. Then let her talk. I wouldn't go into any detail and if she asks say it was so long ago you don't remember a thing.

I like this. I think you have to say something because if she finds out later it could be really awkward. Good luck!

[okinawama]

Does she even know you saw him drop their daughter off? If not, I wouldn't mention it until it's more obvious that you saw him.
:yeahthat:
Not knowing how often you might see him, I just wait for a bit. If it looks like you'll be seeing him frequently, then I might casually mention it, but having a sit down chat/coffee date seems a bit much.

[123LuckyMom]

Normally I would advocate waiting to say something until you were introduced or saw him while with her or something, but since you've said that knowing and not telling is making your interactions awkward, I would say something ASAP just to get it out of the way. It's really not a big deal. People do have pasts. The next time you meet up, you could say, "Oh, I noticed your ex dropping off the kids the other day, and I know him! It turns out we dated years ago, but we haven't been in touch since." The response will probably be, "Oh." I mean, there's really not much to say in response to that disclosure ;). At least once you say something, though, you won't be thinking about it every time you see her. It really is no big deal, though, and she will most likely only feel awkward about it if she sees that you do.

[Tondi G]

I'd tell her. I wouldn't make an effort to do it privately. I'd just say something like, what a small world, I saw your ex the other day and I know him. We dated for a bit several years ago. It just seems natural to me, just like I would say something if I saw she uses the same babysitter I do or whatever other connection there might be. Not mentioning it seems like hiding something.

Catherine

I agree with this. When you see her again and it seems like an ok time to talk about her ex I would just say "What a small world, I saw your ex dropping your DD off the other day. Funny enough we dated about 12 years ago. Haven't seen him in years!"

[momm]

Definitely tell her - maybe not create a situation where you can talk about this, but at the first opportunity that are you are able to, talk to her. Casually mention that you saw him the other day, and that you had dated this chappie.

[vejemom]

I'm a bit puzzled as to why you're so worked up about it. I'm a single mom, and I couldn't care less if one of my new neighbors had turned out to have dated my ex. You might say something if you happened to be standing in her driveway when the guy drops their daughter off. But otherwise, I don't see any real reason to mention it.

Do you think it's because you're dated so few people so it stands out more in your mind? He might not even remember you. Guys can be unobservant :bighand:

[alexsmommy]

I'd say something very casually like several pp's have suggested. If you become good friends it might look strange that you hadn't mentioned it. It's a small world, I wouldn't think anything of your situation unless the person didn't say anything, in which case I'd want to know why.

[mom2binsd]

As a single parent, I realize that my X had relationships/dated before we met and I don't think I'd think anything other than, wow, small world. I do think it would seem strange for you NOT to mention it to her.

Like someone else said, maybe if you are chatting with her one day out of ear shot of other adults and children you could say something like "I noticed the other day when "Sally's" dad was picking her up that I recognized him, we dated briefly about 12 years ago, small world huh???" or something like that.

Chances are you'll see him again/he sees you driving by and if he mentions it to her first "hey I used to date one of your neighbors" that may not go over well.

Everyone has a past, heck my divorce attorney knew my XH in high school pretty well.

[BDKmom]

I'm a bit puzzled as to why you're so worked up about it. I'm a single mom, and I couldn't care less if one of my new neighbors had turned out to have dated my ex. You might say something if you happened to be standing in her driveway when the guy drops their daughter off. But otherwise, I don't see any real reason to mention it.

Do you think it's because you're dated so few people so it stands out more in your mind? He might not even remember you. Guys can be unobservant :bighand:

I wouldn't say that I'm worked up about it, just unsure whether it is important information or not. Also, as i previously mentioned, I definitely tend to over analize things. Mostly I don't want to get off on the wrong foot with someone who will most likely end up a big part of my social circle. I'm very close to the moms on my street and don't want to do anything to upset the balance.

[ahisma]

If a neighbor mentioned that they knew my ex (my DD's dad), I wouldn't think twice about it. I suppose it makes sense to error on the side of mentioning it, but I can't see it being a big deal.

[Clarity]

Honestly, isn't it better that he is her "ex" and not her current husband in this situation?

I would casually mention it to her after it became obvious that you saw him or encountered him with her there. If you haven't had a true opportunity to meet him, it might be uncomfortable to bring it up out of the blue.

:yeahthat: