another social question: wwyd

[blisstwins]

The threads asking for this kind of advice have seemed helpful and this is weighing on me, so WWYD in this situation.

My kids have gone to a Catholic school since preK and we loved it until this year. Class size has increased, academics seem weak, discipline is an issue, etc. For several years--all except last year--we had our children take a test for the G&T program in the public schools and one qualified, one didn't. Seats after kindergarten are hard to get. Last year we were happy and feeling settled so we let it go. There were trouble signs this year and we figured tests are free and taking them is good practice, so we signed the kids up.

I have never told anyone at our current school this because: 1) it would only hurt our status as a "committed family," 2) people ask questions and I hate revealing that one or both of my children did not qualify, 3) it's private--our business.

So when the kids took the test this year we thought the chances of anything coming of it were very remote, at best.

Both my children did exceptionally well this year and since things at the school are lousy we went ahead and put applications to other schools in.

Odds are still slim that they will get placed, but if they do we will probably leave.

Here is the WWYD: We are friends with one family. Their child is having the same issues (boredom, frustration with group punishments, etc) as us. I like this family and my children love the child. I never told the mom what we are doing. She and I are active at the school and if we leave I know she will feel blindsided and betrayed (why didn't we tell her we were applying out). She and I have commiserated about our school a lot, though she has indicated she would never do public school.

Should I have told her?
Should I tell her now and if so what do I tell her?
Odds are still that we are not leaving.
I feel like I am a creep in this, though honestly we have just been trying to do right by our children.

[elliput]

I'm always one to hold my cards really close (many close friends didn't know we were having DD evaluated for autism until I had the diagnosis in hand), so IMO, I don't think you need to tell her anything until you know exactly where your DC are going to be attending school next year. She might be exploring other (non-public school) options also.

When it comes right down to it- is her opinion of what you are doing going to change the outcome? Probably not, right?

[AnnieW625]

Gosh this is soo hard. I think the sooner you tell you I think the easier it will be to smooth things out in the long run. If she is a truly great person she will understand.

Your kids know they could be leaving, right? If not I would make sure that your kids understand that they may be leaving the school. If they know I would want the other parent you are close with to know so that parent can explain it to their child if they go to school and their two friends are all excited about leaving and going to a new school.

I think that if the other parent knows that their child is bored then it is on them to get their child tested for the G&T program.

On a side note I would talk to the administration about your issues because in a couple of years when the enrollment declines and they are trying to get more students to come to their school even in pre k or in kindergarten they are going to have a hard time recruiting if people are gossiping about the school, second guessing the education received at the school, and wanting to know why families are leaving the school for other educational opportunities in your area.

We have a lot of Catholic schools in our area (somewhere between 7 and 10 serve about 650,000 people) and two of them have gone through that in the last 10 yrs., and somehow the schools are staying afloat with just about 150-200 students, but in general the parents who are in the know are chosing 3 or 4 of the schools with the better repuations. DD1's school had some administration problems the last couple of year and things are finally changing and there are waiting lists for like 4 or the 8 classes at the school, plus a pre k program that the next school year will be the first year of; so in short people are very optimistic, and it didn't get like that because people were leaving and not complaining about what was wrong.

Good luck!

[NJ_Mom2011]

If it were me, I would drop hints to my friend, without saying that I am busy applying my kids to other schools. Like you, I would worry about being too straightforward would cause my family unnecessary grief since both of your kids hadn't been accepted to your targeted schools.

But I would hate to blindside my friend. So I would be saying stuff like, "You know, this large class size thing is getting to be a deal breaker for me."

In terms of your kids' current school, have you spoken to the principal about your concerns? They seem very reasonable.

[pb&j]

Even if you are close with this family, you have many compelling reasons to keep this information private. We've been in a similar situation, and I told the other family sooner rather than later and regretted it. It opened up a whole can of worms that I really didn't want to deal with, and didn't change the outcomes for either my child or the other family's child.

If your DC do get placed and you decide to leave, though, I think you should tell the other mom in person, as soon as is possible, before she hears through the grapevine.

[blisstwins]

I am so on the fence about all of it. I have not forced myself to think it all through because the odds of getting a seat at another school is really small.
I have been up to the school many times this year and have tried to schedule an appointment with the principal. She has kind of blown me off, though she is busy and I understand at the moment. Our current school was failing until recently. We went from fewer than 150 students to close to 300 in about 3 years, which is both good and bad. This is the first year we were unhappy, but the stakes are really high and the things we are unhappy with are really serious. My children at the ones pressing for a new school--they are bored to tears. In addition, there are a few very poorly behaved kids in the class and the teachers do things like take recess away from them all as punishment. My daughter has cried so many times. My kids have As in conduct and very good grades.
If I had applied to another school I would have told this mom. We have talked about the predicament, but she has never indicated any desire or inclination to switch schools. Testing felt different because I did not want to have to disclose results, but I feel as though I was less than honest with someone we like.

[niccig]

We're in a similar situation. DS is leaving. Our reasons are financial and academic. We're stressing the financial reasons rather than academic as don't want to come across as bad mouthing the school.

A friend left the school last year and I will say things were a little awkward for a while as she would say her DS was doing well at his new school and I would say the same. Neither of us would say too much about the schools. When I told her we were leaving, she opened up about their reasons and the difficulties her child had in transitioning. So just be prepared for some awkwardness if they stay and you go. It can be overcome, we would talk about other things.

We're now telling people we're leaving as only 2 weeks of school left and we're definitely going. We didn't tell anyone while we were looking at other schools. We've made our decision now, so we're now telling people.

If you haven't made a decision, you don't have to say anything. If you want, you could mention to her that your kids tested very well and you're going to see if they get placed at a school or not. You can stress that things are up in the air, you're not sure what you'll be doing for the next school year.

[BDKmom]

If it were me, I would drop hints to my friend, without saying that I am busy applying my kids to other schools. Like you, I would worry about being too straightforward would cause my family unnecessary grief since both of your kids hadn't been accepted to your targeted schools.

But I would hate to blindside my friend. So I would be saying stuff like, "You know, this large class size thing is getting to be a deal breaker for me."

In terms of your kids' current school, have you spoken to the principal about your concerns? They seem very reasonable.

I would probably do something along these lines. Like, let her know that you are exploring options without being too specific. I agree that it is not her business how your children performed on the testing, but, if she is a close friend, I wouldn't feel right about keeping her completely in the dark, even though it probably won't affect her decision about what she does with her kids. Especially since you said she would feel hurt if/when she finds out.

I don't know if I would bring it up to her specifically, or just change the tone of what you say when it does come up to let on that you are considering a change. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[Philly Mom]

I would not say something. I switched schools for academic reasons after 6th grade. My parents and I were not positive I would make the switch, but certain people knew I had applied to a new school. If I had stayed, I would have gone to a great high school. The middle school, though, was not cutting it. My best friend's mom learned I had applied to a different school. She told my friend to stop being my friend because I was going to leave. My best friend became horrible to me and had other girls join in. Obviously, this made my choice (and my parents' choice) easy. I left. I am glad I left. I loved my high school I went to and love my friends there, but I wish no one knew I was thinking of leaving. I think I may have stayed actually. The next year the best friend apologized and explained but it was obviously too late. We remained friendly after that but the damage was done.

[hillview]

I think if you are not comfortable telling everyone I wouldn't tell her. Personally we did look around and when asked I was up front that were were looking and provided some high level reasons. At the end we are staying and I don't get any negative vibe or feedback. I am however NOT super day to day involved with the other parents there and my reasons were more to see what is out there vs specific academic concerns.

[NJ_Mom2011]

I think that you need to keep in the back of the mind that even if things don't work out with your friend, it wasn't your fault. In my book, you have extremely valid reasons for wanting to change schools. You did your best to rectify the problem by trying to meet with the principal, but that didn't work out. If she doesn't understand, well, that's her problem. You need to do what's best for your kids.

[BunnyBee]

If she flat out asks you, I wouldn't lie to a friend. But if you have been honest with her all along about your discontent with the school, she shouldn't be surprised by the news that you're leaving. Be prepared for her feelings about the situation to be compounded by her feeling stuck and alone at the school. If you're friend friends instead of school friends, hopefully she will get over that.

[anonomom]

I don't think you've done anything wrong, or even anything to feel bad about. If you do decide to switch schools, you can explain that it was a long shot and that you didn't want to stir things up until you knew for sure what was going on. I'd think any rational person would understand.

I'd stay the course -- if and when you decide to change schools, then have a talk with the other mom. Before that, what's the point?

[speo]

I don't think you've done anything wrong, or even anything to feel bad about. If you do decide to switch schools, you can explain that it was a long shot and that you didn't want to stir things up until you knew for sure what was going on. I'd think any rational person would understand.

I'd stay the course -- if and when you decide to change schools, then have a talk with the other mom. Before that, what's the point?

:yeahthat: I was in a similar situation last year and I did not tell anyone. We were applying to a local magnet school that fills its slots via lottery. My friends knew I had applied for K and didn't get in and was very sad about that. I also applied for 1st and then we finally got in in 2nd. Why rock the boat for something so tenuous? Once you tell someone the information is then out of your control. What if she tells someone else or her own kid(s)? I also didn't even tell my DS because I didn't want him to process something that really was unlikely to happen. We did end up getting in this school year and found out in June. When I told my closest friend, I found out she had applied also (but they didn't end up getting in).

[bisous]

I don't play my cards close and cannot imagine not telling my friend. But I don't really think this is a right or a wrong thing, I think it is a style thing. It is just my style to be open and I'm sure it causes plenty of problems in its way also. I want to stress that while I might have done it differently, I can't see a case for why you did anything wrong

[egoldber]

I don't think you did anything wrong, but if I were your friend I would still feel hurt and blindsided.

I don't think you have to tell her scores, but if it were me, I would tell my friend that you have applied and are hoping for a spot at another school.

[blisstwins]

I don't think you did anything wrong, but if I were your friend I would still feel hurt and blindsided.]

This is exactly what I think too. I am not sure why I did not tell her at the time, except that it was such a longshot and since my kids (one of them) has not done well in the past I did not want to get into that with anyone. It is a big deal where I live. If I had applied to another school (there is another Catholic) I definitely would have told her, but this is such a touchy and tenuous thing.

Our school is very cliquey and we are one of the most involved families. If it was known that we were thinking seriously of leaving and then did not it would affect us, for sure.

I am normally very open, which is why I feel so badly about this. Thanks for all your opinions.

[goldenpig]

I don't think you did anything wrong, but if I were your friend I would still feel hurt and blindsided.

I don't think you have to tell her scores, but if it were me, I would tell my friend that you have applied and are hoping for a spot at another school.

:yeahthat:
If you are good friends with her, I would tell her, but only if you think she is trustworthy enough not to blab to everyone and cause you problems.

This sort of happened to us, we were in one preschool-8 private school and ended up applying and moving to another K-8 private school for K. We weren't unhappy with the first school, but thought the other school had much more to offer. I didn't say anything to anyone until after we had decided to leave. Another family who we are friends with and live down the street have a boy in the same year at that school and she was surprised to find out we were leaving. I got the feeling that she felt hurt, like "Why didn't you tell me before so we could have applied too?" She said she considered the school but thought it was too far away, but that she would have applied if she had known we were because we could carpool there. I actually didn't see her that often, didn't know she would consider leaving, and the topic never came up, so it wasn't like I was trying to hide anything. But then every time I would see her since then, she'd ask about DD's new school. This year they applied for 1st grade but didn't get in because there were only two spots open, and there are too many boys in DD's class already, so they took two girls. So now it's kind of awkward with the other family because I worry that they feel "left behind"...even though it's not my fault, I wish I had known to say something to them earlier. Plus I came to find out several families have left school A for school B...I had no idea there were so many. I don't think people talk about it that openly until after the fact.

[MelissaTC]

Similar situation. I haven't told anyone we are leaving as some will take it as a personal insult. We figure it is our kid, we have to do what is best for him and our family, and that is what we are doing. It is hard though and I know I will lose some mommy friends but he comes first.